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I am 20 years old and have recently been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and have been diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder before. My Asperger's is pretty mild but it does have a significant affect on me.
I've been having problems since I was 16 just after i finished my GCSEs and started becoming quite reclusive and socially anxious, which interfered with my schoolwork. Long story short I had to drop out of school and i got diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder. After a few years of therapy I had recovery to such an extent that i could go outside and to the shops etc on my own and started a one-year access to university course (basically equivalent of 3 A-levels - can go to university after this) however I've been struggling to make friends on my course (it started in september 2011) and I can kinda talk to everyone but I'm pretty much an acquaintance with everyone - they think i'm very funny but I'm very quiet and i'm not much of a people person.
I find it hard to make connections with other people and to open up to them. I talk to like 3 of my old friends from high school but they're kind of 'internet friends' now, like i don't really see them in real life anymore since they're at uni or just live far away.
I've never went out drinking or anything and I'm quite a solitary person. I've felt pretty lost lately, not having a close friendship is very difficult however I dunno how to meet new people. I've been pretty stressed out lately over the prospect of going to university next year and I'm not sure if I'm ready for it or not. I'm thinking of doing a Computer Science degree, or something in IT but I'm not sure about it really... thinking of all the social interactions that go on in the workplace I find it hard to know if I could cope.
I have a lot of avoidant tendencies and find it really hard to break out of routine, like i don't even really have many hobbies asides browsing the internet and sometimes playing games (not so much nowadays since I got tired of wow/starcraft 2). I'm just generally in a rut atm and feel quite down because of all this.
I feel like a child to be honest in terms of personal skills and personal development and I don't really know how I can catch up... getting recently diagnosed with Asperger's has been quite overwhelming since I thought all of the things I struggle with were to do with Social Anxiety Disorder which is a temporary thing whereas AS is obviously permanent. I'm going to see a psychologist soon and a counsellor who should be able to give me some help in this area.
I'm wondering if there's anyone on TL who has Asperger's or has/had struggled with social anxiety in the past? Do you have any advice or opinions? I feel pretty lonely and feel like I'm just kind of drifting really. It feels like having Asperger's really limits me in terms of employment and just generally living life which has left me feeling pretty depressed.
In summary:
What kind of advice on careers can you give me?
Dealing with avoidance/social scenarios
Any experience you have with Asperger's (from friends or personal experience)
  
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The first part of your post says you're fine handling social situations. If that's so, you're fine handling University and jobs. The second part says that you're struggling to find friends and that "not having a close friendship is very difficult." Why is it difficult?
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On February 05 2013 06:48 Sauwelios wrote:
The first part of your post says you're fine handling social situations. If that's so, you're fine handling University and jobs. The second part says that you're struggling to find friends and that "not having a close friendship is very difficult." Why is it difficult?
I feel lonely and isolated. Should clarify that I still find social situations difficult but as a result of having AS instead of Social Anxiety Disorder. Like I can go to school/associate with people but I feel apprehensive thinking about socialising and going to uni (living with other people, working - politics of the workplace etc).
I find it hard not having a close friendship because I have no-one to confide in or relate to and I just generally feel like I'm missing out. I haven't had a close friend since I was 16 and it's pretty difficult for me
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Hi Scorpion77, I am autistic/have Asperger's.
What kind of course is it that you're doing? Sounds similar to the kind of course that I used to run - a Certificate of Higher Education?
I'm 28 and married, I have a full-time job as well - I tell you this so you know that there is hope, that someone with an autistic spectrum disorder can aspire to many of the same things as a neurotypical person should they want to.
Can you describe your feelings towards socializing?
I know this is not the answer you want to hear, but career-wise you will be much happier if you get a job in an area where you are interested, for example in a subject related to something you enjoyed about your course. You much more likely to succeed in degree study if you maintain your interest in the subject area.
You mention that you don't really have hobbys, people with autism usually (but not always) have particular systematized fixations like collecting things - do you do any of that? Maybe that's a possible route into a career.
Socially my experience is increasingly become less about anxiety and more about confusion as I get older. As my wife and I get closer in our relationship, my perception becomes more and more clear as I understand the 'gaps' between how I am equipped to perceive social situations and how I am expected to behave - such as recognizing jokes, perceiving different emotions in others, understanding social boundaries etc; this tends to make me avoid social situations.
I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling down about things, Uni is a life changing experience, and like any other experience when you are young you are likely to make a few mistakes along the way - hence feelings of anxiety. I got through (and stayed at uni) simply by being fixated upon study so I spent most my time in the library learning my subject. Hence again why have a subject you are interested in will be of paramount importance.
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Start going to the gym. Once you have good body image your confidence will shoot right up. Don't just avoid addressing it or you will regret it later. Also don't take the easy route (benzos) because they can do a lot worse than good in the long run. Try and change your mindset - always positive. Its hard at first but when you force yourself to be positive all the time, eventually you will become it.
I gotta go to work, but I'll check this thread later.
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<- Asperger's, moderate to severe, diagnosed at 4 or 5 years of age, now 17. Obviously my situation is vastly different, and I'm not at your stage in life yet, so take what I say with that in mind. Also, this is going to be a stream of thought kind of deal: I'll divulge information as it comes into my head.
For me, Asperger's has probably been the single most significant part of my life. It's dictated almost every facet of my personality and beliefs.
Social anxiety seems to be part of the deal with Asperger's; most people don't like doing stuff they have an utterly horrible track record at. Amusingly enough, the Dunning-Kruger effect is fairly common among people with enough Asperger's and many of them seem to alternate erratically between social and antisocial. Well, until the Dunning-Kruger effect wears off. Then things tend to get... unpleasant.
I have problems forming close relationships as well, but it hasn't become an issue yet, for whatever reason. I'm also pretty funny and have most people being just shy of becoming a friend.
Fuck parties, I hate them. Especially ones with alcohol and/or dancing.
My Asperger's is bad enough that, as a combination of direct and indirect methods, I'm pretty much permanently... "damaged" I guess you could say, although it's not necessarily an innately negative thing. My thought patterns and such are different to the point that I'm always going to need to act to not immediately come off as a weirdo. I'm just not like the vast majority of people.
Learning how to normal for me consisted of education, starting with the basics (like what a sad face looked like) and going into mid-tier stuff. Most of my "education" has consisted of learning from experience though.
Most people don't realize how absurd and complex being "normal" is.
For me, learning how to be normal manually is akin to learning a language whilst being incapable of comprehending the grammar, and then multiplying the difficulty of the situation many times over. I can't be told "i before e" or anything like that, I need to experience many different variations of that situation before I can begin to comprehend the rule and thus follow it.
Something interesting I've found is that(and this may just be only me), for all the empathy I do not have for normal people, with their weird rules and habits, I seem to have much more for others with Asperger's. I can spot most them with relative ease and get inside their head like I knew them their whole life. It's crazy.
Can't do it over the internet, though. So much of communication is non-verbal, and most of the time we don't even get all the verbal components of communication on the internet.
Minor rant: I'm not sure if this is just American, but god I hate the social norm of not overtly hating people and not being direct when it comes to negative things. I don't know I'm making a mistake without others indicating that they view it as such, which NO ONE DOES. I can't know that "go supermarket the you" is not a sentence if fucking no one does anything except roll their eyes slightly when I'm not even looking at them.
Also, I'd rather be told that my shirt is horrible and that I have an ugly mug than walk around for months thinking and acting like my shirt is the shit and that I'm practically Leonardo DiCaprio's younger brother.
One of the more important things I've learned is that Asperger's is a lot like being socially deaf, since we can't listen, a lot of us can't talk either. The latter is where the real trouble in learning to be normal comes from.
Also, I don't believe in personal information too much. Oftentimes, I will feel a desire to share too much information about myself, with much of it perceived as being only appropriate for close friends and family. Probably has something to do with the personal space thing people with Asperger's have. I can recognize what is and isn't appropriate to share most of the time, though.
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Just want to tell you that lots of those feeling are common to people of your age. It might be tricky to know what is normal and what is not when you get diagnosed. You should remember that it's far from being black and white.
Something you can learn, it's just that other people learn it naturally.
I do not have Asperger, as far as I know but a lot of these issues seems familiar.
I know "start going to the gym" type of comment are not going to help. Actually, it's pretty stupid.
It is important that you learn to understand what creates a bond between people, how to express you care about someone and how someone express it to you. You have also to assume people around you care, because we do, that is the default attitude (and it's clearer the older you get). It is just a mathematical equation, expected value, if the society holds together, it's only because the expected result of human interaction is positive.
You need the knowledge, once you figure out the process, all starts to make sense, it still won't be natural but a world that makes sense is a lot easier to live in. And I should repeat, this is something every teenager/young adult has to discover, you will just be guided by a professional !
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I have autism. I had a very rough time in elementary/high school, but since my last year of high school I've improved immensely. I'm in my first year of university now and I'm pretty much a normal guy atm.
I would actually also advice you to go to the gym. I can't guarantee you that it will do anything, but for me it changed my life. I had something to focus on, I made training and food schedules, had something to relieve stress with, had a routine going,... and most importantly I interacted with people. I remember almost everything I ever read about power training, so it was easier to talk to people there because I could always talk about that when I was feeling uncomfortable. That way I slowly got more comfortable talking about other things too. My 3 best friends all go to the gym with me to this day. I highly recommend going to the gym, or finding your equivalent of the gym
I also watched a lot of youtube videos of this guy https://www.youtube.com/user/HowToGetAGirlfriends/videos?sort=da&flow=grid&view=0, because I had no idea how to talk to girls (litteraly zero, I avoided talking to them at all costs)
It's quite ridiculous but I approached talking to girls like a subject in university, making my way through hours of videos and writing down and scratching people's advice until I had a good base to go on. By learning how to talk to girls my people skills improved immensely, I'm by no means a social guy though and in group situations I'm rather quiet, but it's an immense difference between 2 years ago.
If I can come back from a hopeless situation like that, you can get out of yours too, good luck bro
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Hi guys, thanks for your responses
Deleuze, yeah it's a certificate of higher education i'm doing. I can relate to a lot of what you've said there. There's a guy in my class that has quite mild asperger's but he said he thinks mine is quite severe since i struggle a lot more with things than he does. What kind of job do you have btw? are you a teacher?
I've grown up emulating people and for the most part this worked well until I got to about 16, which is the stage when in my opinion people diverge and become much more individualised since this is the point when everyone starts taking their own route in life (job, pick A-levels to go onto university etc).
Something I find extremely difficult is starting new activities, this could be something like starting to play a new videogame or going to a new shop but on a more practical level it's things like making a CV or committing to a route of education etc. I especially find 'phase transitions' extremely stressful, for example moving from primary school to secondary school
I've been experiencing a lot of stress lately since my diagnosis and i haven't had any support yet... it takes a long time to get support from the NHS especially with all the cuts. I've been especially worried thinking of the social aspect of going to university and training and also the fact that there aren't really any jobs that you can do on your own anymore and also the fact that i have to make a decision quite soon on what degree I should do - in fact i've really noticed a personality change since my diagnosis in that I've been constantly obsessing over things and panicking over the fact that I can't do things, for example if I'm in a shop and paying the cashier for my items i'll imagine myself working as the cashier and I will become quite stressed since I don't know how to do that job and I'm constantly worrying about things in case they go 'wrong' - e.g. I scan an item and it doesn't work, or I run out of change etc (note these are all imagined scenarios)
On February 05 2013 07:57 Deleuze wrote:
Can you describe your feelings towards socializing?
Honestly I feel fairly disinterested in it and it makes me quite anxious since it's so chaotic, however at the same time I feel a desire to try it out and, from a purely analytical/objective standpoint, i feel like I really ought to socialise for personal development reasons and to maintain my mental health and also because I am going to have to engage with people when i get into the real world
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I have Asperger's syndrome i am 21 . dealing with it is really on your terms , for the most part I just smile and talk to people . My mom was very helpful when growing up she didn't let me be anti social she put me in group activities only let me play video games that had 2 players >.> so my younger brother could play too ( I didn't like sharing with him) . She also told me how to pick up girls and make new friends lol! Her exact words were
" Make people talk about themselves thats all they want to talk about anyway just ask them questions "
" If they keep on talking about themselves your doing good , you most likely just made a friend "
She then said the same works on girls .
Also I don't know about you but I hyper focus on things to the exclusion of all else , whatever you do do not talk about what your interested in and if asked keep it short and sweet try to get your point across ( I am not sure how severe your aspergers is but mine is pretty bad , sometimes you won't get your point across if you talk too much.
My aspergers inhibits my empathy , detecting emotions and motovation . I also randomly get super depressed but in the end i snap out of it . Force yourself to be social break routine , I know its hard . If you want to skip all the coy bullshit with girls in person , use an online dating site .
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EPT
