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I hate people who commit suicide. I really do. Maybe now more than ever.
It's just ... wrong, to decide it's not worth it anymore. To just stop fighting, and in doing so, stop living. It just seems so wrong, and I know I could never bring myself to do it.
To feel pain must be better than to not feel at all.
At least, that's what I think I think.
Self-inflicted pain is the same. It's really weak for your mental state to deteriorate far enough that you think you need another pain to distract you. It's really sad that you hurt yourself, and use those scars to kind of remind yourself of the pains, rather than toughing it out.
I'm pretty sure I'm not right in that regard either, but I've never dropped that far down that hole... yet.
I'm not sure what I've become.
Probably a shell of what I once was. At least I was full of life then. My view of the world hadn't been tainted then, much, and it hadn't been twisted and warped and thrown up-side down. My speech didn't offend, much, and only when commanded. My mind never wandered, far. My body never punished.
It was so nice then.
I thought I was okay. I was getting better. I was stepping up my work again. I was talking to more people. I was fixing my sleeping patterns.
I was wrong.
It's definitely the change of scenery; the lack of distractions. I've started starving myself again. I've screwed up my sleep cycles, again. I've not maintained my hygiene, agian. I've stopped talking to people, again. I've lost all motivation, again. I've given up. Again.
I'm not sure if this is in the same category as self-inflicted pain, since the pain isn't really... immediate. Like a steadily increasing dosage of drugs, I feel like I'm becoming addicted. Hopefully it'll stop. I know it won't.
She's always there. When I wake up, she's beside me. I don't want to leave the bed. One way or another, I force myself out of my bed, and she's gone. I look at my phone. It's empty. It's been empty for a long time. I look at my room, and wonder what she'd be like in it. I walk by the places we've been, and remember what we did. I walk by where we haven't, and I wonder what it could've been like.
Everyday for the next 4 months, I'll walk by where it ended. Because of me, it ended.
I ended it.
Since the end, I've re-examined everything. I've made so many reasons why I ended it. Most of them make sense.
I had a purpose when I ended it. It made sense. I've had a lot of time to reflect and rationalize and make up new reasons. None of them have made it better.
It just hurts.
I wish it would stop hurting.
She's out there somewhere. I wish I could remember her face, but it's fading. Probably better that way. I don't know how she's doing, but I hope she's doing better than this.
Why can't it stop hurting.
 
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Interesting piece of writing. A bit over the top but I enjoyed the paragraph beginning with "she's always there".
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Life's a bitch and then you die. A really harsh truth. Life is full of pain and sadness so all you can do is try to shake off those kind of worries and go out there and get your own.
You have your own freedom of choice so go and do whatever the fuck you feel like doing. The clock is ticking man. Don't waste your time on sadness.
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transition from teenage to adult i think.
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Stop feeling sorry for yourself, get your act together, get your girl, get healthy..
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I think it's the christmas effect, where people feel really shitty about themselves and their lives around christmas time. It's a melancholic phenomenon that affects most people. Then again, I'm just speculating.
Do you have a job? Go to University, college, school? Distract yourself with something healthy, say, running, swimming or music. It will make you feel better... I hope.
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I have been in a similar situation the last weeks.
All I could think about was "I want you".
I saw this picture, maybe it even was in the funny picture thread where a western guy screams at a buddhist monk: "I want happiness". The monk replies: "Get rid of the I - that is egoism. Now get rid of the "want" - that is desire. Now all that is left is", when the westerner interrupted him and said: "happiness!"
I didn't give it a second thought but yesterday it really hit me.
I felt like buddha under the tree, like Newton under the apple tree discovering gravity. It was probably the strongest emotional moment I ever felt in my life. A moment of pure clarity, of pure happiness.
I realized I can get rid of the "I" and the "want". I already have her and I will never lose her. Her memories will always stay in my heart, her values will always guide my decisions for the rest of my life, the lessons she thought me, the positive influences she had on my life, they will never go away.
The last weeks, they have been the hardest task I ever had to accomplish, the hardest lesson I ever had to learn, but in the end the result is also the strongest I ever experienced.
I am just full of joy and thankfulness for what I have and for the time we shared.
Stay strong. This is a hard struggle. Contemplate on your life, search in your soul, try to see the big picture.
I am sure clarity will come to you in time.
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You're in transition phase from teen to adult, totally agree. Just make it to the next tomorrow and you will be better... smarter, stronger, more sensitive, and most importantly, more appreciative of the people and relationships in your life because you know how much it hurts when relationships dissolve or are taken from you (i.e., death, sickness, etc.). Even though it's strange, this sad and grey time will make your life much more vibrant; you now have a piece of mortal legacy that belongs to every human being and is unique to us, and you will view things in a different way because of the stark contrast sadness brings to an otherwise beautiful life.
How do I know? Been there, bro.
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just keep trying
searching out and listening to people/things like REDBLUEGREEN (see above) will help
many things will help, have a look around, you will find things from time to time
it might take 6 months or 5 years but you will come across some hope if you just keep your eyes open
if its a girl you think you've lost, remember that life is long ass, you can still try again 2 or 5 or 10 years down the line
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A wierd analogy to help you because it helped me...
It's useful to remember that when things are a tangled mess, they are still held together by virtue of the fact that they are a tangled mess. So it's not always a bad thing.
I came across this when I was running with my iPod. The one earphone kept popping out and only when I tangled the fuck out of it with the other earphone did it stay in my ear.
Gl
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Hey buddy, first
stop
writing like this.
User was warned for this post
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On December 29 2012 06:33 eu-gogo wrote:
Hey buddy, first
stop
writing like this.
Wow. Dick move.
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On December 28 2012 21:50 B.I.G. wrote:
Life's a bitch and then you die. A really harsh truth. Life is full of pain and sadness so all you can do is try to shake off those kind of worries and go out there and get your own.
You have your own freedom of choice so go and do whatever the fuck you feel like doing. The clock is ticking man. Don't waste your time on sadness.
Life is pretty much as shitty as you allow it to be. Wallowing in pity is a great way to keep hating life. Brooding is a full-time hobby, I know this firsthand. And while you suffer and reflect on your suffering, you effectively accomplish nothing and don't improve the situation. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Or a psychological form of self-harm.
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On December 29 2012 06:33 eu-gogo wrote:
Hey buddy, first
stop
writing like this.
Welcome to TL. Spittin' the truth we need, like it.
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On December 28 2012 22:14 Fattah wrote:
transition from teenage to adult i think.
I'm glad to learn that this is common, though I'm not sure necessarily what message you guys got from that post. Well, I had an idea of what it was saying, but now you guys said that and I'm confused again.
On December 28 2012 22:40 guN-viCe wrote:
Stop feeling sorry for yourself, get your act together, get your girl, get healthy..
Thanks. I know that's what I need to do, but I don't know why I can't do it. Not sure if getting my girl should be on that list there, but not sure of much anyways.
On December 28 2012 23:19 sorrowptoss wrote:
I think it's the christmas effect, where people feel really shitty about themselves and their lives around christmas time. It's a melancholic phenomenon that affects most people. Then again, I'm just speculating.
Do you have a job? Go to University, college, school? Distract yourself with something healthy, say, running, swimming or music. It will make you feel better... I hope.
Yup, everything's probably amplified by it being Christmas. I recently moved back home from residence for a job for the next 4 months. It's annoying because now I lack the freedom to be distracted by all the things you can do at school. There's just too much time to... think, and it really brings me down. I don't have the motivation to keep pushing on all my distractions again and again either when I've done them all and I'm back here again.
On December 28 2012 23:48 REDBLUEGREEN wrote:
I have been in a similar situation the last weeks.
All I could think about was "I want you".
I saw this picture, maybe it even was in the funny picture thread where a western guy screams at a buddhist monk: "I want happiness". The monk replies: "Get rid of the I - that is egoism. Now get rid of the "want" - that is desire. Now all that is left is", when the westerner interrupted him and said: "happiness!"
I didn't give it a second thought but yesterday it really hit me.
I felt like buddha under the tree, like Newton under the apple tree discovering gravity. It was probably the strongest emotional moment I ever felt in my life. A moment of pure clarity, of pure happiness.
I realized I can get rid of the "I" and the "want". I already have her and I will never lose her. Her memories will always stay in my heart, her values will always guide my decisions for the rest of my life, the lessons she thought me, the positive influences she had on my life, they will never go away.
The last weeks, they have been the hardest task I ever had to accomplish, the hardest lesson I ever had to learn, but in the end the result is also the strongest I ever experienced.
I am just full of joy and thankfulness for what I have and for the time we shared.
Stay strong. This is a hard struggle. Contemplate on your life, search in your soul, try to see the big picture.
I am sure clarity will come to you in time.
Thank you for sharing. I've been having all these mind-warping kind of revelations for the last 6 months, and they haven't really sunk in 100%. Slightly overloaded with them, I guess. Like, I understand what state I should actually be in, but I can't seem to reach that state. I really want some kind of instantaneous change in myself that just fixes everything and one that my mind follows 100%, but I know that can't happen so easily.
On December 29 2012 02:28 tehemperorer wrote:
You're in transition phase from teen to adult, totally agree. Just make it to the next tomorrow and you will be better... smarter, stronger, more sensitive, and most importantly, more appreciative of the people and relationships in your life because you know how much it hurts when relationships dissolve or are taken from you (i.e., death, sickness, etc.). Even though it's strange, this sad and grey time will make your life much more vibrant; you now have a piece of mortal legacy that belongs to every human being and is unique to us, and you will view things in a different way because of the stark contrast sadness brings to an otherwise beautiful life.
How do I know? Been there, bro.
Thank you. I know it will be more vibrant, but at the moment, I can't see past this veil of misery, and I can't move forward, but I don't understand why. I simply want all the suffering to end, because I can't see an end to it for some reason.
On December 29 2012 04:58 FFGenerations wrote:
just keep trying
searching out and listening to people/things like REDBLUEGREEN (see above) will help
many things will help, have a look around, you will find things from time to time
it might take 6 months or 5 years but you will come across some hope if you just keep your eyes open
if its a girl you think you've lost, remember that life is long ass, you can still try again 2 or 5 or 10 years down the line
I'm usually quite level headed and logical. But the last 6 months seems like a hell of a long time. I'm not sure I could take another 5 years. And while I know time mends basically everything, I can't seem to rationalize my subconscious to accept that, and move on. Having the goal, "eventually it'll be okay", doesn't really seem like a goal to me, because I don't really think I'll be okay eventually. It's difficult to accept it when I've never experienced anything like this. Hopefully you all are right.
On December 29 2012 05:55 Cortza wrote:
A wierd analogy to help you because it helped me...
It's useful to remember that when things are a tangled mess, they are still held together by virtue of the fact that they are a tangled mess. So it's not always a bad thing.
I came across this when I was running with my iPod. The one earphone kept popping out and only when I tangled the fuck out of it with the other earphone did it stay in my ear.
Gl
Hah, thank you for sharing.
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EPT
