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Have you ever had a thought or dream so happy, that it made you sad that it wasn't real? A woman (or man, depending) who loves you, a job that you love waking up for, people who actually give a shit about you. Things that other people have, that you see every day, but you yourself lack, the type of things that you'd give your livelihood for if only you could reach them.
I guess that's why I engross myself in stories so much. Diving headlong into worlds or lives that mean something and are worth living, that's what I like to do. I suppose I do it to distract myself from the fact that I can't stand anything about my own life. It's a strange notion, realizing that you hate, well, you. That if you were anyone else and you met yourself on the street, you wouldn't give you the time of day. I suppose it makes sense, though. Someone has to be the lowest, right? Someone has to be the one who's despised, who fails, who comes in last so the others can be better. Just as well that it should be me than anyone, I'd not wish that feeling on another person.
...this is stupid. My therapist says these are good for me, to write what I'm thinking and display it to the world, but all I feel I'm doing is pissing into ocean. It doesn't make me feel any better, and is just annoying. Mostly, writing this stuff down makes me realize how fucking pathetic and moronic I am. I can really see why people hate me, you know?
 
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I like you, OP. I like you a lot.
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I am not sure if you are familiar with a show called Californication, but one line from the main character Hank Moody always stuck with me for some reason:
I’m fine, I’m disgusted with my life and myself. But I’m not unhappy about that.
I am not sure why that stuck with me, but in a way it always makes me smile about where I am. Mainly I think it is that it reflects on poor habits I have like smoking and drinking a bit too much.
Regardless, I have bouts of intermittent depression where I am pretty much unable to see that anything good is going on in my life. Days and weeks where I the only reason I actually get out of bed is to avoid the reprimands that would otherwise follow. I too do a blog, not a very good one but I muse less for TL more for the sake of putting something down and letting it get out. They tend to be written when I am feeling poorly about myself.
If I can suggest, don't compare yourself too readily to others around you because you are more inclined to contemplation or stories. I work in extroverted, corporate America and am given odd glances because instead of joining groups I tend to be off by myself enjoying a book or just being quiet because I can.
In front of me at my desk now I have two books which might interest you. Quiet by Susan Cain and You are Here by Thich Nhat Hanh. The former is about introversion and its inherent value to society, the latter about being present in life through mindfulness. While I am not, nor do I think I will ever be rid of some of my less desirable mental traits, these have helped me tremendously in facing them in a more head on fashion.
Like Fishgle, I too like you OP.
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One thing I see A TON, especially on Teamliquid blogs (and it pisses me off) is when super smart people use their intelligence against themselves. They have all this brain power, but they use it to get introspective and basically shut themselves down to where the only thing they CAN do is fail. They never give themselves a chance to succeed because they think being "realistic" or "rational" is better than getting what they want out of life.
Use your power for your own good. You're better than you think you are.
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On December 13 2012 04:47 Spiffeh wrote:
One thing I see A TON, especially on Teamliquid blogs (and it pisses me off) is when super smart people use their intelligence against themselves. They have all this brain power, but they use it to get introspective and basically shut themselves down to where the only thing they CAN do is fail. They never give themselves a chance to succeed because they think being "realistic" or "rational" is better than getting what they want out of life.
Use your power for your own good. You're better than you think you are.
Introverts generally don't process dopamine in the same fashion as more extroverted individuals (forgive the implication OP but from what I can gather you seem to lean more that way than extroverted). The states you are mentioning tend to propagate themselves a bit more readily than in other personality types, certain types of introverts also tend to be less able to embrace feeling relative to logic. I just find some of this interesting, I certainly appreciate where you are coming from.
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Don't worry req, I don't hate you. In fact, I quite enjoy you on the forums 
Also, I hate dreams when you meet the perfect girl, and it seems real. I literally go through a day or two of sadness, realizing I will never see her again.
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EPT
