EPTCritique my poems - Page 2
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HowardRoark
1146 Posts
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Fishgle
United States2174 Posts
2, 4, 5, 8, and 10 have lots of promise. You can probably throw the rest out. 6 is trite. 9 is masturbatory. 3 is … I'm not sure actually. I don't really get the connection between orbits and sex, tbh. (i like the idea of merging science and emotion but this one doesn't seem to go anywhere. #2 does it better I think). You need to work on your grammar, by the way. That's what caused micronesia's confusion. The most important thing while writing is to know that even if YOU know what you mean, that doesn't mean the reader will. Make things clear and concise. Also, you really need titles. If not for the reader, for yourself. Titles are the supply depots of poetry. Mundane, seemingly useless, but vital. oooh and SCVs are repetition, images are marines, punctuation is medics, tank lines are to structure as CCs are to stanzas. battles are volta. Macro is rhythm. Micro is rhyme. :D Anyway. you get the point. You need titles. Not everyone is ee cummings or emily dickinson. Something titled "Conversation with Slugs and Sarah" will have a very different readerbase than something titled "Juggling with Gerbils" (both real poems btw) #2 - Starts off well, but then veers off into quasi-scientific blather. Stick closer to the main idea. Repulsion, laws of thermodynamics, friction, fusion.... pick one. Focus on it. This poem is too short to try to do all this. A title would help. Something like "I Never Actually Touched You". Look at how carefully John Donne uses metaphors in the A Valediction Forbidding Mourning, for example, and how carefully each metaphor is explained in a straight forward logical sense. So yea, either expand this poem to do justice to all the things you're trying to fit it, or pin your focus. http://www.luminarium.org/sevenlit/donne/mourning.php #4 - I think line 4 needs to start with "But" or "However' or something similar, to separate the introduction from the volta. I kept reading expecting similar phrases, but line 4 is a 180 from the opening lines. I'd also recommend introducing "the hands" earlier. Here's my own little re-write for this poem: + Show Spoiler + My hands may have felt you then, when Suns set and rose according to your timezone, When moon phases synched with your menstrual cycle . But the clock's hands keep ticking So I cannot say I still feel the same way; My hands have moved as well. #5 - I think you need to tell these stories. You bring up these pieces of fiction, and tease the details, but never show. Bring down those binders from their shelves, show us the pictures of the hospital, the stories from Uni. I think this piece can be expanded into something much longer and detailed. Don't tell us you played the hero or villain, show us. Give us the actual actions and circumstances. Make it a narrative. Don't be afraid of longer verse. #8 - Punctuation. How do you say this in your head? Make sure the reader can tell through the use dashes, periods, commas, colons, etc. Engrave the momentum into the lines. Poems are written to be read, make sure they're read correctly. #10 - "Maybe one will hit it's mark " is a cool line, but why end there? This reminds me of the episode of Seinfeld where George always leaves the room as soon as he gets a laugh, ending on a high note. Keep going. Say something more. If that's all you wanted to say, ok, but it seems like this can keep going. "Pay no attention to the criticism of men who have never themselves written a notable work" - Ezra Pound also, to the guy above me, we'd all probably tell Pound his poems are shit. | ||
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Trainrunnef
United States601 Posts
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sam!zdat
United States5559 Posts
also you need to pay more attention to the sounds of words you are thinking too much about the ideas | ||
micronesia
United States24770 Posts
he was not understood. The grammar was off, its appeal reached a trough. He posted his story, in all of its glory. Criticism rolled in, with tips how to win. He took all the advice, and edited thrice, and was no longer met with a whine. He can't yet rival Poe, nor free verse like a pro, but his work is still better than mine. True story. | ||
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sam!zdat
United States5559 Posts
but his work is still better than mine it sounds better edit: <3 | ||
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micronesia
United States24770 Posts
of sounding quite good. Just edit. | ||
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Trainrunnef
United States601 Posts
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MountainDewJunkie
United States10346 Posts
this will go well so they punch you in the oblique and we're all going to hell the above poem had no flow To try again? I think no | ||
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AiurZ
United States429 Posts
On December 07 2012 09:20 HowardRoark wrote: I wonder what would happen if for example Ezra Pound posted his free verse poems under pseudonym on TL. Would he be praised? even if ezra pound posted his poems here under his own name he wouldn't be praised. @op #1: dunno if the errors are from transcribing the poems or intentional. i think you should keep track of your sentences while you are writing your poems because it would help you clean up the imagery a lot. people pointed out "over-ripened leaves" which is a strange image because, like people pointed out, leaves don't "ripen" in the first place. it happens again when you say "the roar of bird chirping, innumberable really,/ blends into one sound": there's a lot of ambiguity in the language here and if these are errors in transcribing its hard to tell what you are really saying but even if we do clean it up some ie "the roar of birds chirping, innumberable really,/ blends into one sound" we still have some problems because the noun of this phrase is "roar" and not "birds" which makes "innumerable really" modifying the singular roar (an innumerable roar?) and "blends" doesn't fit because we are already blending the chirps of the birds into a singular roar, and then we are taking the singular roar and blending it again (with itself? with nothing?) into "one sound". strange image but you should really be very conscious of these choices that you are making during your creative process. i think you might add weight to the poem by cutting most of it out. #2: the last line is too long. i think you add a lot of words here that you dont need to add. i think it would do good to break that last sentence up into different lines. i prefer "that microcosm" to "the microcosm". "converting you will into life" is the weakest part of this line, but the rest of it i think is really cool. this is probably just a stylistic thing but i cant reiterate enough how much i think (after having read these two) that you would benefit from trying to cut away some of your language. "despite what your senses will have you believe" feels too verbose, "it was merely" takes me away from the poem, etc and i think you might add some phrases of content that aren't really very necessary ("producing an equal and opposite reaction"). i dont think you are mindful enough of the rhythmic qualities of the repetition of "those were not" and i think because of this you are better off (in this instance with these words) saying something like "those were not my lips on your neck, my hands gliding your waist, but a quantum reaction" etc. #3: i like it. you still need to clean it up some (same sort of criticisms as before) but it's interesting. #4: i think that this echoes an old sentiment (time passes and we change) and uses old images (the sun rising and setting, the clocks hands moving representing time, the cycles of the moon tied to menstrual cycles) and feels too much like old cryptic poetry for me to really get into. #5: do stories whisper? i feel the same kind of way towards this poem as i did above. #6: words are my partner, my friend, my baby (or my mother???) and i own the words but they're gone now so why do i do it. there's not enough here. #7: good. im kind of torn about the length though, i think it could be longer but it's sort of like "i went fishing when i was five" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QjcOK2T0lPo) #8: i dont like the repetition here because "he who laughs last laughs" is kind of a tongue twister and i dont like the feel of it sonically. it's a good jumping off point though because i think it shows that you are concerned about the sonic nature of ur poems and that's always a good sign. #9: nice a sex poem! #10: i've kind of fizzled out listening to another video of tao lin. but the line "double-speak glances like daggers" confuses me and as an image i dont think that its particularly engaging or interesting. #11: as a final thing i think that you often "fall into the trap" of "wrestling with language" like this kind of "poetic" language and you get sometimes "caught up" in "poetic" diction. i think it "leads" you to mistakes like the over-ripened leaves gaff. we get things like "troubled thoughts" and "weary words" "echoing" and thinking about the "secrets" that are hidden in people's eyes but what does that do for us? i feel like in some of your poems you are taking the words of all the dead poets from hundreds of years ago and trying to use them rather than trying to use words and ideas from today that we could find new or interesting. you have a lot of stuff in here that shows a lot of promise. just think really hard about what poetry you like, and be mindful of all the decisions that you make while writing and be mindful of all the things that you say, like your images etc. ts eliot said something like being a poet was less about the arrangement of ideas as it was composing the sounds or something and i think that it's really true. i agree with what someone else posted earlier about free verse being difficult to begin with and if you haven't already you should try playing around with form a bit to get a good feel for rhythm and meters. it's like tennis and form is like the net. u dont need it to play and really good tennis players could play without the net but as a beginner its good to have the net until you at least have a feel for the game. keep it up tho good stuff. also ps i forgot to remind myself to make sure when you are posting stuff that you double and triple check it for errors thru transcribing etc. | ||
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sam!zdat
United States5559 Posts
you guys are unbelievable how can you conscience this critique? your fingers fill these forums full of philistinic reek | ||
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MountainDewJunkie
United States10346 Posts
On December 07 2012 13:13 sam!zdat wrote: Lol you guys are unbelievable how can you conscience this critique? your fingers fill these forums full of philistinic reek This calls for an anti-poem Roses are red Or so I'm told | ||
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sam!zdat
United States5559 Posts
oh u so bold ^.^ | ||
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MountainDewJunkie
United States10346 Posts
So I must embark upon another endeavor | ||
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Fishgle
United States2174 Posts
Parmesan. | ||
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