Short story was I ended up dating my best 'girl' friend of 5 years a month after her previous relationship ended. They had been dating for 7 years from 16-23 years old.
Things were going very well but then she said she wasn't ready. And eventually, she found a job overseas that would help her career and she thought she could use the time to also get over things in her head.
We still kept in contact until we went days without any talk. Then I just saw her tonight because she was talking to me over facebook and mentioned that she was just going through a lot of emotional things.
When I was face to face with her.. we talked.. and she was choked up. She just said there's too much going on in her head. She was honest and said she wasn't over her ex and that she was thinking about him a lot. On top of that, she wasn't talking to me lately because she knows why she's doing it.
She knows that she's lonely.. and that she doesn't want to use me because it's not fair to me. She was basically telling me to get out of this situation because sometimes she doesn't know better.
She admitted that she likes me and cares about me as more than a friend but she isn't over what happened with the ex.
I'm not asking TL if I should pursue her still. I'm not. I care about her because yea I do like her and she was my best friend for years.. but I have to look out for myself too. It's so.. so difficult guys. I'm really hurt and I miss her but I know that I can not put myself into harm's way.
I feel like she was honest too and didn't mislead me. I guess she just didn't realize how much this affected her until her and I got closer intimately.
I just can't be a bridge or a rebound. I don't want to be someone who softens the breakup just so she can get over it and then get back together with him or get with someone new. I want to be the person that gets her in the end. But in order to do that, I have to let go of her now
Feels weird.. in my head.. that I like her.. and she likes me.. but yea.. it can't be..
She's already frank with you, what else do you expect?
She just got out of a seven year relationship, there's no way she'll just forget about her ex in a blink of an eye, even if they were on extremely bad terms when they ended it (which I highly doubt, long term relationships typically end in very pedestrian ways)
You probably just need to rant, and not exactly looking for advice (as there aren't much to give). Think it through, think about whether you'd be content being a rebound with a potential to develop something real in the future.
I'm really sorry you're in that boat though. It really really sucks. If you want to try to be a friend with her, go ahead, if you have the self-control and can stomach that. But do so with a firm wall of "we are not in a relationship and we are not going to be". And really, it would be better/healthier if you just stayed away.
just forget about something serious for the time being. If you force it now, you'll just be the rebound guy and end up getting hurt. Let her sort her shit out. It will take time. Maybe a very long time but at least you know that in that time your life isn't at a standstill.
If she is ever ready she will come to you and if you feel the same it will happen. If you don't at least you know it never would have worked out in the first place. At least she gave you her honesty which is the most important thing. It shows that she values you and doesn't want to hurt you because of her emotional instability. Besides you don't want to get involved with a female when she isn't happy. Its not going to end well for you.
The best you can do is just be there for her because it sounds like she needs that support. It might mean you stay in the friend zone but if she means as much to you as its sounds like she does, at least she will still be part of your life. sometimes that's better for both of you!
You seem to be a good guy, so I'll be the asshole.
You have to decide NOW between being her friend or MAYBE getting into something with her later.
DO NOT expect to be able to comfort her now, and then suddenly hooking up when she feels better. IT WONT WORK, DONT TRY. Trying this will be terribly painful, and not worthwhile at all. If you are there comforting her, while she sobs all the time, without getting any, she will lose all attraction and value you deeply as a FRIEND. It's just how it works. Let her female friends do that.
Get away, give it at least a few weeks, and call her out to do something fun. In the meanwhile doing other stuff is preferable.
* Disclaimer, I'm not very good with women, but I've seen this too much on many friends.
On November 25 2012 23:59 GoTuNk! wrote: You seem to be a good guy, so I'll be the asshole.
You have to decide NOW between being her friend or MAYBE getting into something with her later.
DO NOT expect to be able to comfort her now, and then suddenly hooking up when she feels better. IT WONT WORK, DONT TRY. Trying this will be terribly painful, and not worthwhile at all. If you are there comforting her, while she sobs all the time, without getting any, she will lose all attraction and value you deeply as a FRIEND. It's just how it works. Let her female friends do that.
Get away, give it at least a few weeks, and call her out to do something fun. In the meanwhile doing other stuff is preferable.
* Disclaimer, I'm not very good with women, but I've seen this too much on many friends.
I agree. Deciding whether to be friends or to just keep some distance is a good idea. Personally, if i try to stay friends with someone who i have had feelings for, the feelings return easily. I will look for hope and hints that we are going to be together. That's just me though
I think the problem is OP's feelings might be stronger than the girl's, because she is emotionally unstable. His friend was in a lonely time where she needed some support. She was depending on him but now she can see that her feelings are dishonest because of it. Once she recovers she will see OP as less valuable because she will have overcome the heartbreak of the break up. "every body knows that a broken heart is blind" + Show Spoiler +
So, in conclusion, i think she has decided to just be friends with OP. So if OP does not decide to do the same thing he will have feelings that she does not reciprocate. that will suck because he will be trying to be closer to someone than she wants to be with him. FOr that reason, if it was me, i'd definitely get myself some distance, hit on some other girls and try to cure myself of "one-itus".
edit: so i re read the OP after writing this and he already has decided the same thing I would have decided. I just want to say OP I think you are doing the right thing, taking it as a complete loss. That for me is the best way. Just cut off the limb that is dangling by a thread and live without it. Then you'll have a fibreglass leg that has sweet features.
It's all very obvious - if she had "feelings" for you, she won't say she isn't over her ex. She says she likes you but in reality it's not the case because she is just getting over her breakup.
The OP is asking for advice on how to get a girl - this is the surefire way to know the guy is not going to get the girl.
The OP is already in friendzone territory - there is practically no way to pull yourself out of it.
The only hope is to be very direct and "aggressive" about it - the next time she says she's still moping about her ex, put on an amused reaction and say, "Ok, I'm tired of hearing you moping, lets go somewhere", and then proceed to take her somewhere fun. If she refuses, leave the situation and do not under any circumstance stay to let her mope about her ex.
On November 26 2012 01:14 Azzur wrote: It's all very obvious - if she had "feelings" for you, she won't say she isn't over her ex. She says she likes you but in reality it's not the case because she is just getting over her breakup.
The OP is asking for advice on how to get a girl - this is the surefire way to know the guy is not going to get the girl.
The OP is already in friendzone territory - there is practically no way to pull yourself out of it.
The only hope is to be very direct and "aggressive" about it - the next time she says she's still moping about her ex, put on an amused reaction and say, "Ok, I'm tired of hearing you moping, lets go somewhere", and then proceed to take her somewhere fun. If she refuses, leave the situation and do not under any circumstance stay to let her mope about her ex.
He's not asking for advice on how to get her lol. You must not have read very closely. He said he has accepted that for now they will not be together.
Also the fact that he even dated her for a while and she actually does have some feelings for him demonstrates the friend zone is not actually real.
I've destroyed the friendzone already. It's not even difficult. The main difficulty is that it can permanently alter the dynamic of the friendship, and often for the worse.
Alright, as much as it seems like you try to say you aren't going after her again in your blog, something tells me thats not the real truth. You did the exact wrong thing, what you wanted to do is live happily ever after/live for a much longer time than a couple weeks with this girl. What you did was pick her up on the rebound which meant that either she would use you, unhealthfully, to have revenge/anger/breakup sex instead of letting her get all her feelings out on her girls; by skipping that crucial step, you have either friendzoned yourself indefinitely, or you have put yourself in a spot where you must not talk to her until she has figured it all out (btw you have to tell her that so you don't just end up waiting 5 months and she has a new bf). Either way you are in a terrible position to get this girl. I'd say that, at this point, you should just give up the friendship if you can't stop having feelings for her. Now I'm going to give you two very distinct possibilities and I want you to think about them carefully ok.
You can't differentiate being friends from being bf and gf, you want her. In this situation you must admit to yourself that that is what you had wanted for a while (maybe even the beginning) and you have to take a step back. You have to realize that you took advantage of her feelings and took her on the rebound. From here you have to tell her that you understand she cares, but that she needs to get herself sorted out. If she wants to give you a second chance, so be it and if not, so be it; either way in this situation it is key to tel her that when she figures it out, she should come SEE you, not call you, and tell you her decision.
You can differentiate, you put up a very obstinate, "I am your friend, I will not have anything intimate with you," wall between you and her, you don't want her body as much as you want her as a friend. At this point, if you can salvage that relationship I'd be surprised as hell. I'll be honest, she'd either have to lie to herself, or be quite stupid, to believe that statement right now. In 6 months, sure maybe things have changed, I'd still be surprised if you can manage this or if she believes you only want to be her friend. Hell, in 6 years I'd be surprised. If you can do it though, write a blog about those skills because that would be impressive. The only way you can manage that is if you specifically tell her, right now, that,"You are sorry for being in a relationship with her. You saw her in pain, you did what you thought a good friend should do, but you took on another role that you really weren't meant to have but presented itself. You are sorry for that and understand that it was a mistake to do so and that you only want to be her friend."
Either way here, you have some tough choices to make. I'm sorry if this is brutally honest, most replies on my girl blogs are, and I think that is a good thing when you are going through events like this. You have to be honest with yourself about friends that are girls in general because things can spiral out of control quite fast.
On November 26 2012 01:57 docvoc wrote: Alright, as much as it seems like you try to say you aren't going after her again in your blog, something tells me thats not the real truth. You did the exact wrong thing, what you wanted to do is live happily ever after/live for a much longer time than a couple weeks with this girl. What you did was pick her up on the rebound which meant that either she would use you, unhealthfully, to have revenge/anger/breakup sex instead of letting her get all her feelings out on her girls; by skipping that crucial step, you have either friendzoned yourself indefinitely, or you have put yourself in a spot where you must not talk to her until she has figured it all out (btw you have to tell her that so you don't just end up waiting 5 months and she has a new bf). Either way you are in a terrible position to get this girl. I'd say that, at this point, you should just give up the friendship if you can't stop having feelings for her. Now I'm going to give you two very distinct possibilities and I want you to think about them carefully ok.
You can't differentiate being friends from being bf and gf, you want her. In this situation you must admit to yourself that that is what you had wanted for a while (maybe even the beginning) and you have to take a step back. You have to realize that you took advantage of her feelings and took her on the rebound. From here you have to tell her that you understand she cares, but that she needs to get herself sorted out. If she wants to give you a second chance, so be it and if not, so be it; either way in this situation it is key to tel her that when she figures it out, she should come SEE you, not call you, and tell you her decision.
You can differentiate, you put up a very obstinate, "I am your friend, I will not have anything intimate with you," wall between you and her, you don't want her body as much as you want her as a friend. At this point, if you can salvage that relationship I'd be surprised as hell. I'll be honest, she'd either have to lie to herself, or be quite stupid, to believe that statement right now. In 6 months, sure maybe things have changed, I'd still be surprised if you can manage this or if she believes you only want to be her friend. Hell, in 6 years I'd be surprised. If you can do it though, write a blog about those skills because that would be impressive. The only way you can manage that is if you specifically tell her, right now, that,"You are sorry for being in a relationship with her. You saw her in pain, you did what you thought a good friend should do, but you took on another role that you really weren't meant to have but presented itself. You are sorry for that and understand that it was a mistake to do so and that you only want to be her friend."
Either way here, you have some tough choices to make. I'm sorry if this is brutally honest, most replies on my girl blogs are, and I think that is a good thing when you are going through events like this. You have to be honest with yourself about friends that are girls in general because things can spiral out of control quite fast.
I just want to thank everyone for replying; it really helps to read over my thoughts. I did talk to friends but they're looking out for my best interests and don't always realize what the girl is going through but I guess you guys seem to empathize with both sides.
I just want to say that I truly do accept that we aren't going to be together. It just takes time for me to get rid of the "hope" part you know? Only time can really get rid of that factor for me.
We ended up actually talking this morning because she called to apologize for how emotional and how blunt she was the previous night with her honesty. I told her that she didn't need to apologize because as much as it sucks hearing all of that, I already accepted it and I can appreciate her not taking advantage of me because she knows how I feel about her.
I did hit the big points that you guys mentioned in the blog though.. After reconfirming with her if she liked me as more than a friend, cared about me as more than a friend and liked me intimately (she said yes to all), she then told me but she had to make a choice; there can't be what ifs, or maybe laters because she just isn't there in her own head yet. So she said she likes me but can't be with me. Period. Or with anyone.
I told her, that's tough to hear even though I already know it. It's just not easy hearing the second time. But I also told her what you guys told me.
- I do like you and care about you and you're right. I want to just say what I feel because we've been friends for so long and we're always honest to each other. I don't want to be your bridge into another relationship. I have to decide if whether I am ok being your shoulder to cry on and being someone you can talk to when you're lonely and be ok if you end up going back to the EX or finding someone new. I can't do that. I can't be your bridge that you walk over. I already accepted that we can't be together and I'm not hoping for anything; I just want to say that as time goes on, it is easier to forget about things and think about them less but whenever you feel happy and independent and not just lonely and you feel like you want to hang out, or say hi, then don't be afraid to talk to me. We obviously won't pick up where we started but we'll let the future decide things. I feel like being her friend throughout this ordeal will make her lose attraction to me as well.. so the only chance in the future of us ever maybe being together; would be for it to be completely over now. Period.
She basically replied saying that I was not her bridge or rebound because then it would have made things so much easier to break it off with before; but she was clinging on and hoping that maybe we could some day work out. But the closer we got, the more she realized how much she wasn't ready and how this was unfair to me and she didn't want to take advantage of my feelings so we talked about it openly and respectfully.
Knowing that she does like me, cares about me and likes me intimately as more than a friend seems to soften the blow for me a bit because I don't feel as "rejected" or taken advantage of. I just know that I'm a great guy. Not even nice, I mean I'm a great guy. But as my friends said, being with someone who isn't over the EX is an emotional roller coaster and it will damage my self esteem if I'm with someone who's thinking about their EX. Because that might cause me to question my own confidence which I shouldn't do because well, I'm better than that.
With all that said though; I will miss her a lot guys. We did end up doing intimate things and I'll miss that.. but I'm going to miss this girl that I've known for 5 years. She's going away overseas for a year next month as well.. so maybe that'd help the both of us really move on.. and let the future be the future.
Just distance yourself from her but still be a friend.
I cant speak for her, but after 7 or so years of being in a relationship, people tend to feel out of place all of a sudden, hence why they're so quick to have "rebound" relationships.
You dont want to be that rebound guy, you were clear on that. So imo its best to just distance yourself. In this case, shes being brutally honest with you, and thats an amazing thing. Just be honest with her too. Let her know what you think of the situation and how you feel. In the end, if you two were meant to be with each other, then you two WILL end with each other.
Me and my ex were best friends through all of highschool. When we finally broke up, it was prolly the hardest thing for both of us. But she kept telling me that she truly believed that if we were meant to be with each other then we would end up with each other. I normally dont fall for sappy crap like that, but for some reason, I believed her when she said it. And I believe this is true for other people's cases too.
This is just my experience and my thoughts. Im sure not everyone can agree with them.
Well gl mate, Ill keep up to date on your blogs. Should you so choose to update us.
DyEnasTy I've never seen mass effect but i liked that. The answer is to "get the fuck out" and then come back naked?? haha.. well, i think i do trust that response, even if i have to interpret it metaphorically to make it more compelling.
jjun212 cool, thanks for the update.
I advise you just for fun. I don't have your well being at heart. i had to step apart from someone i got close to. I heal my sadness by doing everything i can to feel better about myself. I heal by thinking about what she wants. Afterall, if i want to care about her, i ought to have her well-being in mind.
Still, if she is not putting you above her, there is no reason to put her above you. If shes being honest with what she has said, she has your best interest at heart because she does not want to hurt you. I am not sure how honest that is. I think if you are as jealous as you are about her being with other people, it means you don't love her well enough to suffer for her, so what is the point of being close even? Sex and emotional stability, but i reckon you should want more,
I think when a person loves another person well, it does not matter if she is with someone else because you just want to be in her life any way that you can. At least that is true for me.. and for the poet leonard cohen:
If you want a lover I'll do anything you ask me to And if you want another kind of love I'll wear a mask for you If you want a partner Take my hand Or if you want to strike me down in anger Here I stand I'm your man
#1 Golden rule of dating, never let her talk about her bf.
Keep her occupied, and every time she brings it up change the topic. Letting her continue to talk about her past relationships will make her think about her ex more and then they will end up back together. Yes she will keep persisting, and you have to keep persisting on not letting her think about her bf.
Also don't distance yourself, if you distance yourself, nothing will come out of it. She might miss you, but what good is that if you aren't hooking up anyways. This doesn't mean be clingy and try and be her friend, no. You have to change yourself, become more attractive than her previous bf and she will forget about him. There's obviously a reason they broke up, and it was a big enough reason to stay broke up and hang out with you instead. Don't console her, instead give her a new sense of direction.
Don't worry about "friend zoning", thats bullshit, other guys fear of it just makes it so much easier for the guys that know what they are doing. Basically you either are or are not attractive enough, thats it.
On November 26 2012 01:57 docvoc wrote: Alright, as much as it seems like you try to say you aren't going after her again in your blog, something tells me thats not the real truth. You did the exact wrong thing, what you wanted to do is live happily ever after/live for a much longer time than a couple weeks with this girl. What you did was pick her up on the rebound which meant that either she would use you, unhealthfully, to have revenge/anger/breakup sex instead of letting her get all her feelings out on her girls; by skipping that crucial step, you have either friendzoned yourself indefinitely, or you have put yourself in a spot where you must not talk to her until she has figured it all out (btw you have to tell her that so you don't just end up waiting 5 months and she has a new bf). Either way you are in a terrible position to get this girl. I'd say that, at this point, you should just give up the friendship if you can't stop having feelings for her. Now I'm going to give you two very distinct possibilities and I want you to think about them carefully ok.
You can't differentiate being friends from being bf and gf, you want her. In this situation you must admit to yourself that that is what you had wanted for a while (maybe even the beginning) and you have to take a step back. You have to realize that you took advantage of her feelings and took her on the rebound. From here you have to tell her that you understand she cares, but that she needs to get herself sorted out. If she wants to give you a second chance, so be it and if not, so be it; either way in this situation it is key to tel her that when she figures it out, she should come SEE you, not call you, and tell you her decision.
You can differentiate, you put up a very obstinate, "I am your friend, I will not have anything intimate with you," wall between you and her, you don't want her body as much as you want her as a friend. At this point, if you can salvage that relationship I'd be surprised as hell. I'll be honest, she'd either have to lie to herself, or be quite stupid, to believe that statement right now. In 6 months, sure maybe things have changed, I'd still be surprised if you can manage this or if she believes you only want to be her friend. Hell, in 6 years I'd be surprised. If you can do it though, write a blog about those skills because that would be impressive. The only way you can manage that is if you specifically tell her, right now, that,"You are sorry for being in a relationship with her. You saw her in pain, you did what you thought a good friend should do, but you took on another role that you really weren't meant to have but presented itself. You are sorry for that and understand that it was a mistake to do so and that you only want to be her friend."
Either way here, you have some tough choices to make. I'm sorry if this is brutally honest, most replies on my girl blogs are, and I think that is a good thing when you are going through events like this. You have to be honest with yourself about friends that are girls in general because things can spiral out of control quite fast.
I just want to thank everyone for replying; it really helps to read over my thoughts. I did talk to friends but they're looking out for my best interests and don't always realize what the girl is going through but I guess you guys seem to empathize with both sides.
I just want to say that I truly do accept that we aren't going to be together. It just takes time for me to get rid of the "hope" part you know? Only time can really get rid of that factor for me.
We ended up actually talking this morning because she called to apologize for how emotional and how blunt she was the previous night with her honesty. I told her that she didn't need to apologize because as much as it sucks hearing all of that, I already accepted it and I can appreciate her not taking advantage of me because she knows how I feel about her.
I did hit the big points that you guys mentioned in the blog though.. After reconfirming with her if she liked me as more than a friend, cared about me as more than a friend and liked me intimately (she said yes to all), she then told me but she had to make a choice; there can't be what ifs, or maybe laters because she just isn't there in her own head yet. So she said she likes me but can't be with me. Period. Or with anyone.
I told her, that's tough to hear even though I already know it. It's just not easy hearing the second time. But I also told her what you guys told me.
- I do like you and care about you and you're right. I want to just say what I feel because we've been friends for so long and we're always honest to each other. I don't want to be your bridge into another relationship. I have to decide if whether I am ok being your shoulder to cry on and being someone you can talk to when you're lonely and be ok if you end up going back to the EX or finding someone new. I can't do that. I can't be your bridge that you walk over. I already accepted that we can't be together and I'm not hoping for anything; I just want to say that as time goes on, it is easier to forget about things and think about them less but whenever you feel happy and independent and not just lonely and you feel like you want to hang out, or say hi, then don't be afraid to talk to me. We obviously won't pick up where we started but we'll let the future decide things. I feel like being her friend throughout this ordeal will make her lose attraction to me as well.. so the only chance in the future of us ever maybe being together; would be for it to be completely over now. Period.
She basically replied saying that I was not her bridge or rebound because then it would have made things so much easier to break it off with before; but she was clinging on and hoping that maybe we could some day work out. But the closer we got, the more she realized how much she wasn't ready and how this was unfair to me and she didn't want to take advantage of my feelings so we talked about it openly and respectfully.
Knowing that she does like me, cares about me and likes me intimately as more than a friend seems to soften the blow for me a bit because I don't feel as "rejected" or taken advantage of. I just know that I'm a great guy. Not even nice, I mean I'm a great guy. But as my friends said, being with someone who isn't over the EX is an emotional roller coaster and it will damage my self esteem if I'm with someone who's thinking about their EX. Because that might cause me to question my own confidence which I shouldn't do because well, I'm better than that.
With all that said though; I will miss her a lot guys. We did end up doing intimate things and I'll miss that.. but I'm going to miss this girl that I've known for 5 years. She's going away overseas for a year next month as well.. so maybe that'd help the both of us really move on.. and let the future be the future.
Lol don't be a retard and fall for any of that shit. Girls lie all the time, its in their nature, its a survival instinct, so guys wouldn't break their skull out of anger they have to be extremely good verbally because they aren't physically capable of fighting back.
Of course she softened the blow, do you think she would tell straight up to a long time friend "I just used you, I don't like you at all". Fuck that shit. She liked you enough to go out and have sexy times. You have a chance with her, go for it. How many girls have you heard say they don't like someone, when they really do?
You just have to not make the same mistakes nearly every other guy makes in that situation, which you did, but you should at least have another shot at it. Start slowly and work your way up, obviously don't just bust it out because she will reject you. Although you should know best how to do this as you know her more than anyone else here.
TLDR; Stop being Mr.Nice Guy and "understanding" her, if you want her, go get her, who cares what she thinks. Now is the only chance you've got, whether you fuck up or not it doesn't matter, if you wait much longer that window will close and you will lose your chance anyway.
- I do like you and care about you and you're right. I want to just say what I feel because we've been friends for so long and we're always honest to each other. I don't want to be your bridge into another relationship. I have to decide if whether I am ok being your shoulder to cry on and being someone you can talk to when you're lonely and be ok if you end up going back to the EX or finding someone new. I can't do that. I can't be your bridge that you walk over. I already accepted that we can't be together and I'm not hoping for anything; I just want to say that as time goes on, it is easier to forget about things and think about them less but whenever you feel happy and independent and not just lonely and you feel like you want to hang out, or say hi, then don't be afraid to talk to me. We obviously won't pick up where we started but we'll let the future decide things. I feel like being her friend throughout this ordeal will make her lose attraction to me as well.. so the only chance in the future of us ever maybe being together; would be for it to be completely over now. Period.
Here's a good start. Do yourself a favor and never send anything like this again, it just makes you sound really weak. You've basically told her you don't have the balls to go anywhere with her.
Keep your texts short and to the point. Girls like to fudge around and write you massive meaningless texts (omzzzzzz its danielzzzzz heyy whats up, ummmm I was thinking blah blah blah i love you xoxoxo), but you are not a girl so you don't do that. Do you fall in love with girls that swear a lot and punch people and act like guys? okay maybe sometimes but not normally. Be fun, outgoing, positive, be a man, and send her short texts that are witty and to the point.
Good luck
Sorry normally I don't comment on girl blogs but this one pissed me off
On November 26 2012 03:59 sluggaslamoo wrote: #1 Golden rule of dating, never let her talk about her bf.
Keep her occupied, and every time she brings it up change the topic. Letting her continue to talk about her past relationships will make her think about her ex more and then they will end up back together. Yes she will keep persisting, and you have to keep persisting on not letting her think about her bf.
Also don't distance yourself, if you distance yourself, nothing will come out of it. She might miss you, but what good is that if you aren't hooking up anyways. This doesn't mean be clingy and try and be her friend, no. You have to change yourself, become more attractive than her previous bf and she will forget about him. There's obviously a reason they broke up, and it was a big enough reason to stay broke up and hang out with you instead. Don't console her, instead give her a new sense of direction.
Don't worry about "friend zoning", thats bullshit, other guys fear of it just makes it so much easier for the guys that know what they are doing. Basically you either are or are not attractive enough, thats it.
On November 26 2012 01:57 docvoc wrote: Alright, as much as it seems like you try to say you aren't going after her again in your blog, something tells me thats not the real truth. You did the exact wrong thing, what you wanted to do is live happily ever after/live for a much longer time than a couple weeks with this girl. What you did was pick her up on the rebound which meant that either she would use you, unhealthfully, to have revenge/anger/breakup sex instead of letting her get all her feelings out on her girls; by skipping that crucial step, you have either friendzoned yourself indefinitely, or you have put yourself in a spot where you must not talk to her until she has figured it all out (btw you have to tell her that so you don't just end up waiting 5 months and she has a new bf). Either way you are in a terrible position to get this girl. I'd say that, at this point, you should just give up the friendship if you can't stop having feelings for her. Now I'm going to give you two very distinct possibilities and I want you to think about them carefully ok.
You can't differentiate being friends from being bf and gf, you want her. In this situation you must admit to yourself that that is what you had wanted for a while (maybe even the beginning) and you have to take a step back. You have to realize that you took advantage of her feelings and took her on the rebound. From here you have to tell her that you understand she cares, but that she needs to get herself sorted out. If she wants to give you a second chance, so be it and if not, so be it; either way in this situation it is key to tel her that when she figures it out, she should come SEE you, not call you, and tell you her decision.
You can differentiate, you put up a very obstinate, "I am your friend, I will not have anything intimate with you," wall between you and her, you don't want her body as much as you want her as a friend. At this point, if you can salvage that relationship I'd be surprised as hell. I'll be honest, she'd either have to lie to herself, or be quite stupid, to believe that statement right now. In 6 months, sure maybe things have changed, I'd still be surprised if you can manage this or if she believes you only want to be her friend. Hell, in 6 years I'd be surprised. If you can do it though, write a blog about those skills because that would be impressive. The only way you can manage that is if you specifically tell her, right now, that,"You are sorry for being in a relationship with her. You saw her in pain, you did what you thought a good friend should do, but you took on another role that you really weren't meant to have but presented itself. You are sorry for that and understand that it was a mistake to do so and that you only want to be her friend."
Either way here, you have some tough choices to make. I'm sorry if this is brutally honest, most replies on my girl blogs are, and I think that is a good thing when you are going through events like this. You have to be honest with yourself about friends that are girls in general because things can spiral out of control quite fast.
I just want to thank everyone for replying; it really helps to read over my thoughts. I did talk to friends but they're looking out for my best interests and don't always realize what the girl is going through but I guess you guys seem to empathize with both sides.
I just want to say that I truly do accept that we aren't going to be together. It just takes time for me to get rid of the "hope" part you know? Only time can really get rid of that factor for me.
We ended up actually talking this morning because she called to apologize for how emotional and how blunt she was the previous night with her honesty. I told her that she didn't need to apologize because as much as it sucks hearing all of that, I already accepted it and I can appreciate her not taking advantage of me because she knows how I feel about her.
I did hit the big points that you guys mentioned in the blog though.. After reconfirming with her if she liked me as more than a friend, cared about me as more than a friend and liked me intimately (she said yes to all), she then told me but she had to make a choice; there can't be what ifs, or maybe laters because she just isn't there in her own head yet. So she said she likes me but can't be with me. Period. Or with anyone.
I told her, that's tough to hear even though I already know it. It's just not easy hearing the second time. But I also told her what you guys told me.
- I do like you and care about you and you're right. I want to just say what I feel because we've been friends for so long and we're always honest to each other. I don't want to be your bridge into another relationship. I have to decide if whether I am ok being your shoulder to cry on and being someone you can talk to when you're lonely and be ok if you end up going back to the EX or finding someone new. I can't do that. I can't be your bridge that you walk over. I already accepted that we can't be together and I'm not hoping for anything; I just want to say that as time goes on, it is easier to forget about things and think about them less but whenever you feel happy and independent and not just lonely and you feel like you want to hang out, or say hi, then don't be afraid to talk to me. We obviously won't pick up where we started but we'll let the future decide things. I feel like being her friend throughout this ordeal will make her lose attraction to me as well.. so the only chance in the future of us ever maybe being together; would be for it to be completely over now. Period.
She basically replied saying that I was not her bridge or rebound because then it would have made things so much easier to break it off with before; but she was clinging on and hoping that maybe we could some day work out. But the closer we got, the more she realized how much she wasn't ready and how this was unfair to me and she didn't want to take advantage of my feelings so we talked about it openly and respectfully.
Knowing that she does like me, cares about me and likes me intimately as more than a friend seems to soften the blow for me a bit because I don't feel as "rejected" or taken advantage of. I just know that I'm a great guy. Not even nice, I mean I'm a great guy. But as my friends said, being with someone who isn't over the EX is an emotional roller coaster and it will damage my self esteem if I'm with someone who's thinking about their EX. Because that might cause me to question my own confidence which I shouldn't do because well, I'm better than that.
With all that said though; I will miss her a lot guys. We did end up doing intimate things and I'll miss that.. but I'm going to miss this girl that I've known for 5 years. She's going away overseas for a year next month as well.. so maybe that'd help the both of us really move on.. and let the future be the future.
Lol don't be a retard and fall for any of that shit. Girls lie all the time, its in their nature, its a survival instinct, so guys wouldn't break their skull out of anger they have to be extremely good verbally because they aren't physically capable of fighting back.
Of course she softened the blow, do you think she would tell straight up to a long time friend "I just used you, I don't like you at all". Fuck that shit. She liked you enough to go out and have sexy times. You have a chance with her, go for it. How many girls have you heard say they don't like someone, when they really do?
You just have to not make the same mistakes nearly every other guy makes in that situation, which you did, but you should at least have another shot at it. Start slowly and work your way up, obviously don't just bust it out because she will reject you. Although you should know best how to do this as you know her more than anyone else here.
TLDR; Stop being Mr.Nice Guy and "understanding" her, if you want her, go get her, who cares what she thinks. Now is the only chance you've got, whether you fuck up or not it doesn't matter, if you wait much longer that window will close and you will lose your chance anyway.
- I do like you and care about you and you're right. I want to just say what I feel because we've been friends for so long and we're always honest to each other. I don't want to be your bridge into another relationship. I have to decide if whether I am ok being your shoulder to cry on and being someone you can talk to when you're lonely and be ok if you end up going back to the EX or finding someone new. I can't do that. I can't be your bridge that you walk over. I already accepted that we can't be together and I'm not hoping for anything; I just want to say that as time goes on, it is easier to forget about things and think about them less but whenever you feel happy and independent and not just lonely and you feel like you want to hang out, or say hi, then don't be afraid to talk to me. We obviously won't pick up where we started but we'll let the future decide things. I feel like being her friend throughout this ordeal will make her lose attraction to me as well.. so the only chance in the future of us ever maybe being together; would be for it to be completely over now. Period.
Here's a good start. Do yourself a favor and never send anything like this again, it just makes you sound really weak. You've basically told her you don't have the balls to go anywhere with her.
Keep your texts short and to the point. Girls like to fudge around and write you massive meaningless texts (omzzzzzz its danielzzzzz heyy whats up, ummmm I was thinking blah blah blah i love you xoxoxo), but you are not a girl so you don't do that. Do you fall in love with girls that swear a lot and punch people and act like guys? okay maybe sometimes but not normally. Be fun, outgoing, positive, be a man, and send her short texts that are witty and to the point.
Good luck
Sorry normally I don't comment on girl blogs but this one pissed me off
Hey; thanks for the reply and input, I really do appreciate it. It allows me to view my situation in more than one perspective.
I am just looking for a balance to be honest.
I'm not a pick up artist but I have many acquaintances and it's just; the situation is not a pick up situation. Looking at what's already happened;
- Already have her number - Known her as a really close friend for 5+ years - Already made out, had sex, been on dates after her relationship ended
All that stuff has been checked off the list if you want to look at it in a pick up artists sort of way. But right now, I do like her and I understand what you mean but not sounding weak with what I told her before, but I feel like I was being strong. I didn't sugar coat it that I did not want to be her rebound. And that this is the best thing for us to do because she isn't ready for a relationship and as much as I want her, I have to be realistic; I wouldn't want to be with someone if I just finished a 7 year relationship either.
I agree with you also that giving her too much space will let her forget about me; which is why I told her to not be afraid to keep in contact but only if it's because she genuinely misses me and not because she's lonely.
Giving her enough space allows her to not be smothered by whatever has happened between us.. it also allows her time to actually miss me if she actually likes me and prevents her from using me as a bridge to walk across. So it's looking out for my best interest.
At the same time; she's going away for a year anyway for a job overseas and if I pursue this thing any harder like you mentioned; that will only push her away. I've been in situations and have talked to many friends, guys and girls where if you push too hard; it will only push them away.
It's a balance thing right now.. can't keep her close.. but pushing to win her over will only end up pushing and scaring her away.
I know it seems like I'm looking out for her and putting her above me but in the end; it is actually helping me out. I don't get the girl in this instance. So I lost. That's fair; sometimes life will do that to you. It sucks, yea, but I don't want to drag it on and make it worse because I look at it logically and it just can't get better any time soon. I'm looking out for myself and agreeing that we can't be together. Period.
But by giving her space to do what she needs to do, and but not pressuring her into hoping for something in the future; it also allows me to move on and give myself some sort of chance if another opportunity ever arises in the future. Because I won't look weak since I made my statements; I'll stay attractive to her because I'm not the shoulder to cry on and I will have advanced in my own life as well hopefully by then and will only look more appealing.
This is just my opinion; and I truly, truly respect your feedback. Because it does allow me to reflect with more knowledge; but I can't push her to take me for a relationship. It will only push her away ultimately, I believe. And all the relationship stuff and intimacy aside... she is still actually a person I've cared about for 5+ years.. I do want her to feel better because I've been through a break up before last year that really haunted me; so I can only imagine what it's like her for when she's alone after ending a 7 year relationship.
I know I'm defending her... but it's because I sincerely believe that she is genuine. We've been that close for years and when she revealed to me that she wasn't over her Ex, I understood why... and she was truly genuine when she said she liked me as more than a friend. But I'm not gullible and wouldn't believe it if this was a girl I picked up at a bar; however, she's not that. and as sceptical as I usually am; I'm using whatever knowledge of the kinda person she is for the past 5 years to determine whether she's sincere or not, and I feel that she is.
Did you basically pounce on the opportunity to woo your friend into a relationship right after a lengthy and obviously powerful relationship/breakup? What did you really expect to happen? You're either a bad friend for taking advantage of her weakness (7 years needs more than 1 month, forced or not), or you're a fool for undertaking such a challenge. At least you're admitting it's a complete disaster... Doomed from the start. And wow, the love-goggles. Been there. But if my fiance ever once mentioned she was missing her ex (early on or later, it doesn't matter), I'd be like, "Well, thanks. Here's your keys, go fucking find him. I'm gonna get a beer."
You seem competent. You've learned. You'll learn more. There will always be another girl who ruins your life.
Well done to both of you on behaving like adults. Relationships can be hard and really complicated but in this situation I really think you both have done some really hard things. It takes guts to be so blunt with each other and you are right to accept matters for what they are. It will be hard for you both but you are making positive steps towards getting out of a bad situation and I know lots of people who have behaved awfully in a similar pickle.
Please do not let the people here saying 'oh man girls are so horrid' taint your view of things. As you know, things can get really out of hand with feelings are involved and whilst it is sad that you cannot have the girl you want right now kudos to you on doing the best you can to move on - she's not being a horrible person and neither are you. You both made some pretty bad decisions but what is THE MOST IMPORTANT is that you recognise such and you move on and learn a good lesson, and so does she.
Good luck in the future. There will be a girl out there just for you who won't come with such shenanigans.
On November 26 2012 03:59 meteorskunk wrote: DyEnasTy I've never seen mass effect but i liked that. The answer is to "get the fuck out" and then come back naked?? haha.. well, i think i do trust that response, even if i have to interpret it metaphorically to make it more compelling.
jjun212 cool, thanks for the update.
I advise you just for fun. I don't have your well being at heart. i had to step apart from someone i got close to. I heal my sadness by doing everything i can to feel better about myself. I heal by thinking about what she wants. Afterall, if i want to care about her, i ought to have her well-being in mind.
Still, if she is not putting you above her, there is no reason to put her above you. If shes being honest with what she has said, she has your best interest at heart because she does not want to hurt you. I am not sure how honest that is. I think if you are as jealous as you are about her being with other people, it means you don't love her well enough to suffer for her, so what is the point of being close even? Sex and emotional stability, but i reckon you should want more,
I think when a person loves another person well, it does not matter if she is with someone else because you just want to be in her life any way that you can. At least that is true for me.. and for the poet leonard cohen:
If you want a lover I'll do anything you ask me to And if you want another kind of love I'll wear a mask for you If you want a partner Take my hand Or if you want to strike me down in anger Here I stand I'm your man
Thats why I put the end time frame at 1:47 I think. After she says "take it slow" and Shepherd has to GTFOut of there!
EPT
Relationships can be hard and really complicated but in this situation I really think you both have done some really hard things. It takes guts to be so blunt with each other and you are right to accept matters for what they are. It will be hard for you both but you are making positive steps towards getting out of a bad situation and I know lots of people who have behaved awfully in a similar pickle. 
