Poetry Attempt

WarSame

Canada1950 Posts

November 17 2012 04:17 GMT

Never been a fan of poetry. Thought I'd give it a shot.

There are many ways to achieve world peace
Inability to fight causes it to cease

There are few more peaceful than the diseased
And none more than the deceased

This path can be done with ease
A few nukes on a bad lease

The wrong hands on control keys
Two strong belligerent countries

Every nuclear crisis is a new tease
But there are many ways to achieve world peace

Chocolate

United States2350 Posts

November 17 2012 04:23 GMT

It seems like you were more focused on the rhyming than on the actual message. Unless you're writing children's poetry, the message is what will truly make it great (in my opinion). Also, you should try to make the poetry in verse. You've probably heard of iambic pentameter before; it's that kind of stuff. As it stands, you have some lines with 10 syllables, some with 12, some with seven, some with eight...
EX: Whispering streams of golden glass (8)
Dance gracefully in the molding brass. (9)
The flow is much more important than the actual meter, as seen here, but you get the point. Alliteration is also your friend here, notice the "s" sound.

That being said, you get better by practice. Even if you don't think you're that good at first, you'll get good if you enjoy it and do it often.

WarSame

Canada1950 Posts

November 17 2012 04:40 GMT

You're right, I focused mostly on the rhyming. I paid a bit of attention to keeping the syllables semi-close, but wasn't too concerned about that. The shortness of the lines in the middle compared to the beginning and end was intentional.

Honestly, I don't like writing in verse because I hate following the rules haha. It's pretty fun to just write near free-style focusing on the rhymes.

As for the message, it seemed to have at least a bit of a message to me. "World peace will be achieved when all humans are dead or incapacitated."

Thanks for the feedback. I'll give writing in verse another try next time around. It's been years so my attempt will probably be terrible, but we'll see.

MaestroSC

United States2073 Posts

November 17 2012 05:11 GMT

ur rhyming was decent,but your rhythm needs work
Poems should flow like water, not duck dive and jerk
A poem without rhythm is like dancing without a beat
Need something to keep time, to say when to move your feet

What I like most about poetry is that the author cant be wrong
There're reasons nobody told Beethoven how to compose HIS own song
When writing poetry, just relax, smile, and have fun
Its not a competition, by writing, you've already won.

AiurZ

United States429 Posts

November 17 2012 05:25 GMT

i think that when you rhyme each line that it gets kind of gross to the ears, like something too sweet. going through it, it gets a little painful and each repetition of the sound is like nails on a chalkboard and i cringe as i reach the end of each line.

also i think that the language gets a little morphed from the rhymes, because you establish this pattern of this rhyme at the end of each line, and then we come across "the wrong hands on control keys/ two strong belligerent countries" (emphasis mine). the stress of countries falls on the first syllable but the rhyme is on the second, which would probably force the reader to pronounce it the opposite, with the stress on the second syllable rather than the first.

the first statement of the poem doesn't make much sense to me as i read it. it says that there are many ways to achieve world peace, and that "inability to fight causes it to cease". how im reading this line is that world peace stops when people dont have the ability to fight. this is a strange idea. if u remove "it" and change it to "war" (i think this is what you intended anyway) it makes more sense.

later, "this path can be done with ease": what is "this path"? how do you "do" a path? i feel like there is no way to picture this.

there is an emphasis on "many ways" because you repeat it in the first and last stanzas. the only problem is you don't really give "many ways". you give one way and then at the end say "but there are many ways". when i think about it really hard i think that what you might intend to convey is that we can achieve world peace if everybody is dead (like you say in your post) but the problem with this is that you start the poem with "there are many ways to achieve world peace" and then say that the sick and the dead are peaceful, and then you say here is a way that we can all be sick and dying. i think that leaves the reader with this little tidbit that there are (many) other ways to achieve world peace than people everywhere dying, and that the intent of the poem in saying that "there are many ways" is that there are many ways that human beings can exterminate themselves and bring about the end of human war.

if you re-organize the lines some and change the order of the ideas i think that you can more effectively convey this.

i think tho that the way you've written this so far shows that you have a sort of ear that leads you in the direction of good poetry. the line at the end "but there are many ways to achieve world peace" is a nice turn and a good play off of the opening line (which is why i suggested that u strengthen it) and you have a natural gravitation towards establishing a pattern (which is good, but now you have to make meaningful variations on it) and there is definitely something here.

keep at it and playing around a bit. there are a lot of things that you can do with poetry if you free it from the constraints that everyone puts on it. here is a poem that i read recently that i really liked and i think operates well outside of what is generally considered poetry: http://partrik.tumblr.com/post/35588725189/i-am-a-big-dumbass-bear-on-christmas-morning

i think that you might enjoy reading and writing this kind of poetry rather than the kind of poetry that you've been taught was poetry up until this point.

WarSame

Canada1950 Posts

November 17 2012 17:43 GMT

Thanks for the advice everybody! Maestro, awesome poem! The flow is wayyyy better than mine.

I'll rewrite it a bit to fix the main problems.

Aiur - maybe, but the main reason I rhymed every line is because I wanted to see how many rhymes I could make on the same subject without stretching too much.

The second line is supposed to mean "When you're unable to fight, fighting ceases". That's definitely worded poorly. I spent 5 minutes trying to think of an alright alternative, but couldn't come up with anything. Fixing that is necessary.

The wording there is a bit strange, as well. "Followed" or something along those lines was probably a better choice.

The "many ways" part was supposed to state that the way to achieve world peace at last is for humanity to be unable to fight any more. The segment on nuclear war states how easy it would be for all of humanity to get wiped out/be unable to fight simply through the wrong people controlling the nukes. The last line is supposed to remind the reader that nukes aren't the only way for humans to be wiped out. I may have worded that wrong.

+ Show Spoiler +

There are many ways we can achieve world peace 10
Low supply of warriors causes war to cease 10

There are few more placid than the diseased 10
And there are none more so than the deceased 10

This path can be followed with ease 8
A few nukes on a bad lease 8

Headstrong hands on the control keys 8
Two strong belligerent countries 8

Every nuclear crisis is a new tease 10
But there are many ways to achieve world peace 10

That fixes all of the syllable problems, but it still doesn't flow super well. Unfortunately I can't really test that too well because I can't talk today(sick) so...

Cortza

South Africa328 Posts

November 17 2012 19:56 GMT

On November 18 2012 02:43 WarSame wrote:

+ Show Spoiler +

That fixes all of the syllable problems, but it still doesn't flow super well. Unfortunately I can't really test that too well because I can't talk today(sick) so...

The syllables aren't as you have listed them:
+ Show Spoiler +

There /are/ ma/ny/ ways/ we/ can/ a/chieve/ world/ peace/ 11
Low/ sup/ply/ of/ war/riors/ cau/ses/ war/ to/ cease/ 11

There are few more placid than the diseased 10
And there are none more so than the deceased 10

This path can be followed with ease 8
A/ few/ nukes/ on/ a/ bad/ lease/ 7

Headstrong hands on the control keys 8
Two strong belligerent countries 8

Every nuclear crisis is a new tease 10
But/ there/ are/ ma/ny/ ways/ to/ a/chieve/ world/ peace/ 11

I've addressed the lines which are miscalculated.

MoltkeWarding

5195 Posts

November 17 2012 20:46 GMT

The technical problems are secondary though. What strikes me about this poem is that it's simply a rhymed version of what you would post on tl.net. It lacks personality, and it lacks a certain mobility of spirit. I'm going to suggest an exercise for you. Try to write another poem, but using what is called a "turn." A turn or volta is simply a reversal of mood where the poem (say, at its end) turns against itself, and overcomes its stated assumptions with an argument which is transcendental.

I'm going to post a short excerpt from Kipling's Cities and Thrones and Powers for comparison.

Cities and Thrones and Powers
Stand in Time's eye,
Almost as long as flowers,
Which daily die:
But, as new buds put forth
To glad new men,
Out of the spent and unconsidered Earth
The Cities rise again.

The simplest example here being that the mood of the poem is divided down the middle: Of fragility and morbidity in the first half, and of hope and renewal in the second.

WarSame

Canada1950 Posts

November 21 2012 04:08 GMT

On November 18 2012 04:56 Cortza wrote:

Show nested quote +

The syllables aren't as you have listed them:
+ Show Spoiler +

I've addressed the lines which are miscalculated.

Thanks for pointing that out. I used an online syllable counter. Bad idea...

There /are/ ma/ny/ ways/ to/ a/chieve/ world/ peace/ 10
Low/ sup/ply/ of/ war/riors/ leads war/ to/ cease/ 10

There are few more placid than the diseased 10
And there are none more so than the deceased 10

This path can be followed with ease 8
A/ cou/ple/ nukes/ on/ a/ bad/ lease/ 8

Headstrong hands on the control keys 8
Two strong belligerent countries 8

Every nuclear crisis is a new tease 10
But/ there/ are/ ma/ny/ ways/ to/ get/ world/ peace/ 10

On November 18 2012 05:46 MoltkeWarding wrote:
The technical problems are secondary though. What strikes me about this poem is that it's simply a rhymed version of what you would post on tl.net. It lacks personality, and it lacks a certain mobility of spirit. I'm going to suggest an exercise for you. Try to write another poem, but using what is called a "turn." A turn or volta is simply a reversal of mood where the poem (say, at its end) turns against itself, and overcomes its stated assumptions with an argument which is transcendental.

I'm going to post a short excerpt from Kipling's Cities and Thrones and Powers for comparison.

Cities and Thrones and Powers
Stand in Time's eye,
Almost as long as flowers,
Which daily die:
But, as new buds put forth
To glad new men,
Out of the spent and unconsidered Earth
The Cities rise again.

The simplest example here being that the mood of the poem is divided down the middle: Of fragility and morbidity in the first half, and of hope and renewal in the second.

Good point. The poem I posted is almost like a rhyming thesis. Your example is a lot better. I'll give a turn a shot sometime down the road.

Mothra

United States1448 Posts

November 21 2012 06:25 GMT

#10

If you've never been a fan of it why would you want to write it?

WarSame

Canada1950 Posts

November 22 2012 01:30 GMT

#11

I've been looking to pick up new interests recently and I've always wanted to try to get into it.

It's similar to how I'm not a fan of curry - I've almost never had it, so who knows if I could be? Therefore I'll try it to find out.

Please or register to reply.

Poetry Attempt

Completed

Ongoing

Upcoming