EPT1. i had several friends
2. i treated them poorly or BETRAYED THEM.
3. eventually they actually gave me a second chance, cause... i'm a pretty good friend... when i'm not an asshole.
4. However I generally already moved on, or failed to realize the context so i don't take advantage of this and they were lost to me forever!! note:my empathy detectors have like... 3-4month delay before kicking in and i realize what REALLY happened.
5. this blog is about me. me and my failures.
6. these people I talk about are of a certain gender...
1. So to begin... why the hell were they friends with me in the first place if i'm an asshole and have terrible empathy? Well... I actually am not very shallow. Infact!! I am very deep! I generally get close to people quickly and have fairly significant or deep conversations. Topics including school, the future, problems or concerns, motivation, goals, values. All that good stuff. I also do A LOT of self-disclosure. Perhaps too much... but I really opened up to people and poured myself into them. One thing I've heard before is that I made people feel special.
2. All good so far... then.... I sort of get bored of people. Or I move on and make new bonds. I sort of... dismiss my previous friends. One day we're chums and it's all good. Then... I'm completely engrossed and interested in other people. Now this would be ok if I let the bonds we formed just.. stay there, sort of like... good buddies from the past!! People who occasionally caught up with each other. But I end up... talking to them about the new people i'm interested in and... it's like. "YO NIGGA, I THOUGHT I WAS SPECIAL, WTF IS THIS SHIT. WHO IS THIS BITCH? YOU'RE A TERRIBLE PERSON". Generally the people i make friends with are nice, so they don't say it to my face, but that's the truth of the situation.
3. Intermission: Anyways. While this is all going on, I'm generally oblivious to... everything. After studying social psychology... I can safety say... my consciousness was hijacked, however I'm of course still responsible!! But... things I did didn't really process... I sort of denied what was going on. "I'm not an asshole!" I would think to myself but... I later discovered I was infact, a huge asshole. For example right before summer ended last year a girl "lets call her A" who liked me and who i liked. *note we didn't exactly have a full conversation yet. we volunteered together and casted glances at each other, and there was even a crazy incident we had in a park but the feeling was there, however adolescent and immature*. And we had a conversation because I was going to university the next day. It went sort of went down like this. her: "what will be the nature of our future?" me: poker face. no reply. or *some bullshit answer* I don't quite remember... But I did this because... I was pretty much interested in finding girls my own age as this girl was a bit younger than me... but ahh I was an asshole to her and i regret my decision to this day. I often languish in agony due to this event...
4. Back to the original story: So after treating my friends terribly, they sort of offer me a second chance. They initiate conversation with me again and maybe we even hangout, but behave as if I'm dead to them... Why? I sort of... judged them negatively... but then again they are a bit younger then me and I'm quite young myself... I guess... protip: don't judge your friends, unless they are actually doing bad shit. these were upstanding people but they didn't reach my astronomically high standards... which is probably why i'm alone a lot... ANYWAYS.
5. I hoped this was an entertaining read and a good insight into the life of another person. The perspective of someone who is quite weird. I wish what I said was mostly made up but... it's mostly true.
6. Timeline: The incident with "A" was 2 summers ago. I recently lost two friends a few months ago as well.. or last month.. "C" and "W". And before, sometime last fall... I treated "S" pretty badly, but surprisingly... we're still friends lol.
6. Oh, the crazy park thing. Uhh... it is probably one of my biggest regrets as well. I think I have maybe... 3-5 main regrets in life. But uhh... regarding the incident... After volunteering. I asked her to go on a walk in the nearby park with me. Now I say "asked" but it was much more embarrassing, involved stupid metaphors and other madness, but eventually she agreed and we walked a bit. Now... I was super nervous, had no idea what to talk about, and we were generally quiet. So... I sort of broke down and panicked. I was like, "so... my ideal type of guy is..." and yeah I don't even... But uhh... I guess the reason why I went with this was, because i like joking with my friends and they were generally responsive and it lead to good conversations, but in this context, it was like... breaking down/tilting in the middle of a bo7 after being cheesed in game one and going 6pool the next 3 games and losing them all.
7. Last thing. This is just one side of me. There is... not that much more, but there is more! Don't paint a crazy caricature of me T__T;;
