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I don't really know why I'm writing this blog. Maybe I'm just confused, and lost, and need some advice, or maybe I just need to write my thoughts down, but either way whenever something big happens in my life I always come to TL. I don't always write about it, but I know that it probably comes out in my posts one way or another, even if they're entirely off topic. When I got a job I remember writing a few posts using how I got my job as an example of something else, or when stuff happens with my girlfriend maybe I'll respond in one of those daily girl blogs. Today I got some really bad news and for once I really have no answers and it's not something I can just bullshit my way through.
Today I got a text that told me my best friend's dad died. To put this in context I am just recently a man of 26 years of age and my friend is the same age. We've been friends since probably around 5-8 years old, I can't really remember, and even through different high schools, universities and career paths we've remained good friends.
My friend is not the most expressive guy in the world, he likes to always be full of bluff and blunder, never admitting something is wrong, always trying to have a full formed opinion on something, always trying to put up a badass front. He's not the kind of guy to pour out his problems to someone else, and he's not the kind of person to look for help either. Right now I know he must be hurting really bad. His dad was not that old and their family was pretty close. I want to help but honestly I'm at such a huge lose for what to do. I like to think of myself as a problem solver, up for any challenge, but here I feel completely helpless.
I work, a lot, I have a girlfriend that demands a lot of attention, I'm currently in the process of buying a house, and I'm working on a video game and freelance work on top of everything. But I want to be there for my friend. I need to be. I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing I didn't do everything in my power to help my friend.
I work tomorrow afternoon into the evening, but I want to call my friend in the morning, let him know I'm here for him and that everything will work out. I don't really know what to say though, he's not a touchy feely guy and I know he probably is going to try to act all tough despite this. Beyond that.... I really don't know how to approach this whole subject.
Death and tragedy are always hard to deal with, but with my friend the way he is, and with it being his father who died, someone so close to him, it makes it even harder. I could really use some advice right now.
Thanks for reading, I really needed to get this out, I feel so helpless.
 
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Good luck man. My parents had me when they were fairly old, so I had a lot of family deaths early on in my lifetime. It's really something that everyone deals with differently.
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Speaking from the point of view of someone who fits most of the characteristics of your friend, along with having my own father pass away, I can safely tell you that the best way to support/help/comfort your friend is to just do stuff with him. Ask him if he wants to play a videogame with you, come down to the shops with you, hang out, etc. Just doing stuff like this will help occupy his mind and make the grieving process easier. Don't act like anything has really changed either, of course give him your condolences but then just return to how you normally hang out with him. And if you're worried you might annoy him, he always has the opportunity of declining your invitation to do stuff. Following the death of my dad that's exactly what my friends did, and it was probably the nicest, more supportive thing that anyone did for me in that time period.
note: Girls are notoriously bad at dealing with stuff like this, they tend to make a big deal out of it and draw more attention to the issue (I'm not being sexist, this is just what happened to me, and yes I acknowledge that some girls might act differently from others), so if you hang out in a big group of friends that includes girls, it might be best to avoid them for a little bit. But at the end of the day you should always just do what your friend wants.
TLDR; don't make a big deal out of it, just act normal and spend as much time hanging out with him as possible.
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Just let your friend know that if he needs someone to talk to that you're there for him and if he needs anything that you're there. He may be tough and act like he doesn't need someone to talk to, but just knowing that someone is there if you need it is very comforting.
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Sorry about your loss OP. I really struggle with this stuff. How to maintain the illusion of stability that we all value so much but also be open and honest enough to deal with a lost loved one. I've never lost a loved one. I don't think you need anything corny..
Since, I have very little practical experience I'll just say what I learned from a book. I read a book about morrie who was dying of a that paralyzes his body. All he wanted was to experience the affection and the love of other people. He didn't care about stupid shit like tabloids or anything. Just spending time with other people. He had to piss in a cup because he couldn't get up so he'd just be like "hey can you hold the cup for me?"
So the moral of that.. I'djust be real. Be myself. Be sensitive to how I would feel and what I know about my friend.
wow thats tough. i don't even knwo what i'd do.. Just know that whatever you do won't be too bad. As long as you try to reach out..Good luck. You'll manage.
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Thanks for everyone's advice.
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Hey bud, my dad died two years ago when I was 19. When someone close to you dies, all of a sudden you have 150 people to 'call if you need to talk'. Which is not really what you are looking for. My best friend and his girlfriend took me out to see a movie a few days after, and that was the best thing anyone did for me. Apart from that all I wanted to do is have some alone time. I definitely didn't want to call other people to tell a story about my dad, because I already had all the answers I need.
If I were you I would take your friend out to do something
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On October 12 2012 07:40 nebffa wrote:
Hey bud, my dad died two years ago when I was 19. When someone close to you dies, all of a sudden you have 150 people to 'call if you need to talk'. Which is not really what you are looking for. My best friend and his girlfriend took me out to see a movie a few days after, and that was the best thing anyone did for me. Apart from that all I wanted to do is have some alone time. I definitely didn't want to call other people to tell a story about my dad, because I already had all the answers I need.
If I were you I would take your friend out to do something
Thanks, that's some good advice. I called him tonight, just let him know I'm around if he needs anything, a drink, a talk, some help, but Yeah I'll take him out after things have calmed down and the funeral is over.
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EPT
