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I've always been the kid in the corner who never said a word. Over time, I've found it's no more hard to think in one way, than any other, but no matter how much confidence I've gained in the surface of my life, nothing's changed.
I have the most perfect parents and the beauty saddens me. Everything should be so easy, but it's like I always feel the strain of hanging onto a world with the weight of every thought I've held in my head pulling down on me. I've tried so hard but still all I want is to see someone else, beautiful and perfectly happy. It's a happy thought, but I can feel it damage me.
My mental defense mechanisms are as flimsy and vulnerable as the social ones I've constructed. Thoughts crash through me always and I just wish I could know for sure that there was a different way, but if I can never feel a connection with some form of kindred spirit strong enough to be certain, how can I feel a way out of this by myself?
It reminds me of my time in the autistic school where I receeded somewhere deeper within myself. Did I lose my last piece of emotional security then? Or was it some other time? Maybe I never had it, I don't know. I still wish I could go back there. It wasn't comfortable, but I'm so scared. Lord, I'm so scared.
But after I scratched the surface
I never saw the calm before the storm act so nervous
The deeper I look to hide from these thoughts, all I see and feel is the crashing waves of fear, the lightning of terror that strikes within me, for the storm I know is impending.
And nothing else is wrong. as I'm sitting here I've got a comfortable life, an amazing mother, a hopeful future and even a girlfriend who seems amazing so far and isn't showing obvious signs of wanting to leave me soon before things go further.
So why am I shaking from this pain? I don't know how I'd feel if I'd never known the peaceful bliss I'm struggling so pathetically to cope without. Even after writing this my thoughts are gone. The next line is erased from my memory as if I can't even manage to hold onto my own ideas.
Thanks blogging, for letting me vent myself. Much love, everybody (or everypony for you bronies out there.)
All it is is a hope. I don't dare to have hope that I could ever become something beautiful, so I guess that's simply why I crave to see it in someone else.
But I'm still just as selfish as I am scared. Because I know I can't afford to hurt someone. To hurt myself.
Also, I might as well add that I'm absolutely terrified because I know I won't cope when they're all gone. My family and my one or two friends I suppose I do have. I'm just not that strong. I don't want to leave this world alone.
 
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Goodnight everyone. Dreading college tommorow, hopefully some of the anxiety will be gone when I wake up and I'll be able to make something of the day.
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Best of luck, I hope things will get better for you.
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Thanks for the comments.
I slept through my alarm and slept through college. I've had a lot of sleep recently, actually mostly sleep only really been up for my gf, but for some reason I was still too exhausted, physically or emotionally to wake up. I could've stayed in and out of sleep the whole day.
Maybe I'll just continue to fail academically this year and never get further after all, though.
I thought I'd left the depression at least for now, when I started college and created some confidence for myself. I attained friends and things to do, but again I find myself not motivated to do anything but sleep away the days. Again, the good things worry me more than they make me happy and I know when something goes wrong it's going to get worse.
I've given it my best shot. I made myself confident to others, I got a hair cut, getting braces, got a girlfriend, started doing well at college but if I really still can't find a reason to do anything anymore, I guess things will never change for me.
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Fuck. I can't see my girlfriend very often or very soon and she's pretty casual with it all as she should be, we've only been going out a week, and the simple fact is I cant help but worry myself because I'm an emotional person. I feel guilty for all the feelings I've had in the past, and what could be unforgivable mistakes and actions and even sexuality has become tied in with the guilt.
But I need this and I dont know what to do because it should be fine, if I see them once a week say.but I worry and miss them because I need it, or it's inevitably replaced with depressiveness.
Why do I always feel so wrong all the time.
To be honest, and I certainly expect to be judged for this but I really don't know what the fuck I care about anymore, It's been so since after I was in love with my girlfriend I met online who lives so far away, for 8 months and fucked it up. We both loved and craved honesty. I just wanted to love and she's an amazing person. Out of honesty something was made and out of some form of evil that the pain and guilt of which will never leave me, something was destroyed.
This wave of feelings started a little before I met them.
It's so hard because I'm as immature as any other teenager in so many ways, more immature in others, but I feel like I've been further than the bottom of my emotional and mental capabilities.
This is the worst blog post or update I've ever done but I'm going to send it anyway because I truly have no fucking clue.
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I hate myself, I don't see a reason for anyone to like me and I could never blame them from being driven away. But everyone tells me I should be here in this world for some purpose. Eyedea is dead. He was 28 but he had opiates. It's getting too long. Livings only been this detestable for months but it feels like my whole life. But I know I have okay times, and I know what I'm going through isn't everything I will know.
But it feels like.... the guilt of love and pain of hurt and missing someone, and the depression of not having anyone at all, the bittersweet agony of the hope to see someone else through to a happy ending... the fear of life, the fear of death, the anxiety of my own thoughts. The potency of living, the bottomless pit inside of myself.
It's all too much. I need to find a different way.
I'm clueless, I need to find the cure in others. Personally, I believe it's hopeless. But that's not what other people are telling me.
Music is so insignificant now. Compared to what it could be.
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I think part of the reason I miss her so much is that she's just so much to the happy me who's left all this behind.
To my relatively recent state of mind, which I abandon in this post, in which this is the past and the future is happiness, she knows almost everything about me as if she'd known me for years (none of these feelings or thoughts exist to me then.) And I've known her for such a large percentage of that consciousness that she almost feels like happiness and love to me. Unless I think more... openly and embrace all thoughts and I can see that situation differently, and in a way more positvely, but all that does is open in all of this again.... all of this stuff, these thoughts, this past, these feelings I've announced in this blog.
I wonder if that sounds crazy.
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I promise 100% that things will get better. I have a friend that used to slip into depression for long periods of time, but after time, with help off people, and telling people how he felt, he's been able to enjoy life much more than he could before. It will be worth fighting through the bad feelings to get to the light at the end of the tunnel. Talk to people you trust about anything or everything, that can help, and remember that things will get better, cause I'm sure you're an awesome guy <3
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Thanks for the comment. I don't want you to think I don't apprecciate your words, it's just that to thank you for them doesn't feel right currently. I'm not sure I can even explain myself sufficiently if you can't discern the reasons behind that.
I also added a little more to my last post.
Actually, thanks, though. Things like trust now have become sort of a confusing mess in my mind however, as I left behind my thoughts of them a little while ago.
I don't even know how much I trust my amazing mother, and I tell a lot of things to "friends", but it feels like words born of desperation if I do so.
I can't understand myself anymore, all I know is that I care too deeply about others, or, more selfishly, maybe just my relationship with others. I don't know.
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I don't think it's going anywhere now. The stress. My girlfriend says im weird when I ask her if she wants to see me, and I know it pushes her away. However, she just doesn't seem so interested in me, and I wish I could just keep playing life, but things aren't the same as before. I think I need to accept that what I've lost won't return. Things have just changed now. I don't think I'll ever see the same in life as I used to, and if im causing myself or anyone hurt by holding onto it, that needs to stop. Whatever's happening to me is taking me somewhere else, and I realize now I'm lucky to not have a close friend. I'll never see things in my future anymore that rival the death or rival the fear.
Only this pain is interesting. I can't honestly say I want anything else now. Human relationships are shallow and hurtful, human anonymity is cruel and devlish, human existence is painful, human survival is stressful.
Every day feels like a run along the edge of a cliff, waiting to slip into breakdown. Every time I fall I hit the freezing water and sink to new depths. And miss the rocks.
Something in me feels so much sorrow. The last years, it's only been this sorrow that keeps me curious in life.
I don't think I know anyone or anything else. Im still searching for that other way...
What a time, what a climb in for our lives, whats in store
You see live forever, all I see is war
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I'll never have what it takes to end it. I'm as anxious of death as I am of life. I'm just totally FUCKING anxious.
Who you kidding?! I suffer from excess anxiety,
a product of pollution in American society.
For now I guess I'll just continue... to miss college, to cry, to make mistakes and to feel the stress of every second.
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I have read all of your sorrowful writings and I wish I could send a part of my happy life to you to help you get by 
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On September 20 2012 12:20 StateofReverie wrote:I have read all of your sorrowful writings and I wish I could send a part of my happy life to you to help you get by
That's really nice to say. Thanks, for letting me know you read this mess. Anxiety is perhaps one of the best words for most of this. It's always been the poison in my life that seems so hard to shake.
I did my best at college for the couple of hours I went in today. I even did some games of sc2 when I returned, before I lost all my focus. Now isn't the time for melodrama, so all I'll say is that I'll have to try to talk to the girl I mentioned when I can and explain as much of this as I can without hurting her. I need simplicity, everything else feeds my mind. Funnily enough, I could be one of the only 16 year old guys in the country who almost couldn't care less about sex anymore. Actually, it's a complication so right now, the thought makes me anxious. It's a shame I'm not content being that person.
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Yeah.
My friend calls about something and my girlfriend is hanging out with him. She said she couldn't see me today because she was too busy with chores. That's about all I can take, the last thing I wanna do is hurt her, but even though I've learnt how to move on, I'll never learn how to not care about other people.
If she's my girlfriend, I care about her, if I care about her I miss her and missing her is hurting me too much right now with how she seems to be semi avoiding me for other friends and not mentioning things.
I'm not breaking up with her, I'm just telling her how it is, and if I'm right then it wouldn't hurt her to break up anyway.
Maybe I should get a sex change so that I can feel okay about being such a girl.
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Explained what was going through my mind in an inbox. She got it with him, friend told me to come over because she was upset. Turns out she wasnt planning to meet him, it just happened. Either way, we spent evening together, and blah blah blah, thoughts thoughts, thoughts
Long story short, It all worked out perfect with my girlfriend, mind is very at rest, as much as ever or it could be which is very happy.
Things are okay at the moment and good going forwards.
To clarify, the worries turned out refuted and disproved beyond a shadow of a doubt.
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EPT
