EPT
. I'm doing my physics work and I'm crunched for time, but I really wanted to get this blog out because its something I've been feeling recently.I sit at my computer tonight, Erev Rosh Hashannah (the night preceding Rosh Hashannah), and I feel like I have fallen into a trap. I sit here looking at Unetaneh Tokef and reading, rereading, and re-rereading its text. It sends shivers down my spine every time I say its words on Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashannah. This Rosh Hashannah, however, I won't be saying it in the morning. I have 3 tests, English, Physics, Math, all IB, and I must turn in some homework to various classes. I feel like I've fallen into a trap of sorts. My highschool career has been dominated with successes and failures, but the latter I can only describe as events that have indelibly printed themselved into my makeup. My successes have had less of a print, save a select few personal ones that I cherish as great memories.
This is where things change
I was watching / forced to watch a documentary on how our Medical profession is not doing what it should be. The profession treats people, but does not attempt to keep them well after they leave the hospital. I realized I needed to eat healthier. I'm drinking a lot of V8 fruit juice now, eating a little more than 3 square meals a day (i'm really thin and have never had much success gaining weight), and am trying my hardest to improve my health so I don't get sick. These changes are probably for the best, though being a 17 year old, I feel like I should be NOMing on junk food and destroying my sympathetic system. This might seem as a bit weird to come after the previous paragraph, but everything will be explained shortly.
I have made a lot of changes since I was a young teen. Change of schools, change of friend groups, change of girlfriends (though i've hit the jackpot with mine right now), change of mannerisms, change of paradigms, change of life styles, and you name it, I've probably done some soul searching to better myself about it. I used to be a terrible attention whore, I still am to an extent, but my friends asked me to change it, so I did, I've become noticeably better. I used to be very close minded, I've changed that greatly and widened my world schemas along with a drastic overhaul on my persona paradigm. I've seen that I was not knowledgeable about certain subjects of thought, so I delved into philosophy to better myself (now i love philosophy). I was not confident in myself, and now I'm a strong speaker when I'm not under fire, along with (hopefully) a charming person to talk to. I've seen the dark side of my religion, so I worked to cut some ties with it and forge some new ones. I have changed a lot. Yet a lot of people would have me believe that I'm just not good enough. Fuck. That. Noise.
I used to look back at the old me with disgust, a kid who was (I'm still pretty short, fuck my height genes lol) incredibly short, not great hygeine, not very mature, etc. Today I feel like that version of me is not better than I once thought it was, but it is something that I should no longer feel appalled at. I look at what I have, and I realize I'm living it up. Yet my friends want me to believe that I'm not. Fuck. That. Noise.
The catch that this blog includes is that I'm a changed guy from what I was, and of course everyone changes and matures, but I am so concerned about what I have become. I have become so willing to change my mannerisms, even though admittedly some of them are less than flattering, when I hear a hatred of them. This usually comes out of my friends or out of past rejection by girls. This feeling of remorse stems from the fact that i get so much shit, and yet I never give it out. My friends, or rather the people i hang out with since I don't feel much of a personal connection with a lot of them anymore, have horrid parts of their personality. Everyone does, yet they don't change, if they are liars, cheaters, assholes, people with inferiority complexes, ad infinidum, they make up for said issues by picking on other people and not creating positive change in their own lives. I've yet to see any where close to a few of them make these changes. I just tend to get their shit. Fuck. That. Noise.
Recently, and by recently I mean for the last 2 years, I've seemed less than happy. I think I know why now. I'm surrounded by people that I would not hang out with given another choice. My peers are people that have enourmous flaws, but instead of change those glaring flaws, they choose to point out mine, and then I change them to suit their fancy. I've become an individual through my own work ethic along with this prodding. I realize now that viewing other people constantly shit on me, friend group or otherwise, tell me that I'm a chode, or that I carry myself in a fashion that says X and only X about me, or whatever you would want to insert here that should make me lachrymose. Fuck. That. Noise.
Today is Rosh Hashannah, people are written in the book of life today, or so it is said at least. Today I realized that I really, truly, do not give a fuck about most of my school. I also learned today that I don't give a fuck about my highschool grades anymore. Today is the first day of the new year (non-gregorian to be exact) and I'm done taking people's shit, if I see something wrong with me I will change it. Quite frankly, I'm done being told off by people who are honestly not half as good people as they profess to be, and not nearly as better than myself as they would have me believe. Fuck. That. Noise.
Team Liquid, I want you to know that from the bottom of my heart, I'm not a bad guy, and I hope this doesn't come off as me trying to pump my ego up, yet it has to be said. Whenever I hear my friends shit on me, I'm not taking it anymore, I'm making a stand. Fuck. That. Noise.
