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It's hard for me to believe this past year even took place. And at the same time, I can't imagine what my life would be like if it hadn't. My senior year of high school, for the three months I was there, was the most fulfilling time of my life. I'm sure anyone who's been a senior understands why. But I never got more than those three months, because I was diagnosed with two incurable diseases around October.
My health wasn't even the worst part. The diagnosis was new, but I'd already been feeling like shit for about a year, and it was nothing I couldn't handle. But mentally, knowing there are things I can never do, and even worse, knowing what will, in all likelihood, kill me, the pressure was too much. To top it off, I had to go on prednisone (a corticosteroid with some of the worst side effects a drug can have) for almost six months. It made me angry, manic, insomniac, and impossible to have a conversation with. I doubt anyone in the world would be likeable on prednisone, and I was particularly awful.
As a person, I was already somewhat prone to being an egotistical douchebag. What I really didn't need was more of a reason to ooze steroid-amplified arrogance over everyone in my path. Of course, I got one that would be irresistible to any 17 year old kid. I got success.
When I was a freshman, I met a senior from the ghetto who happened to be a rapper. By my senior year, everyone knew me as the guy who could actually rap but never wanted to. People called me by my moniker more than by my first name. But really, I never wanted any part of it. In general, people who rap are intolerable morons. If I hadn't been in such a fucked up place mentally from my diagnoses, I don't know if I ever would have taken the offer I received.
For the purpose of maintaining anonymity I won't name any names (if you knew who I worked with, you could pretty easily track me down if you wanted to). A friend of mine showed a few of my songs to a well-respected underground rapper who, while not famous himself, has worked with a number of stars. He offered me a feature verse on one of my songs. I accepted immediately and ran with it. Finally, I had a way to escape from all the world-shattering developments in my life. Being associated with this guy opened doors for me that I never for a minute expected. People from my town were quick to do me favors, invite me to parties, and mob me with attention. Don't even get me started on girls. When you're 17 and already have a pretty high opinion of yourself, that sequence of events will transform you into an insufferable prick in a matter of weeks.
I felt like I needed that...I needed a distraction. Now I know I should have faced my problems head-on. It wasn't long before I started on a downward spiral of terrible decisions. Being out of school, I had an incredible amount of free time and nothing tying me to my old circle of friends. I started to associate with some of the worst human beings I've ever met in my entire life. That friend I met in my freshman year who introduced me to rap in the first place introduced me to other rappers from his neighborhood, and I started recording with them on a regular basis. Being around them made me even worse. In a suburban town, everyone generally wants to befriend as many people as possible, and people are nice to each other by default for the most part. That part of me was replaced by the habits I picked up from these people. Hostility was my new default. Even so, I wouldn't have been all that bad if it hadn't been for prednisone.
Mania and mental acuity combined with all the motivation I'd gained to be successful in music basically made me a recording powerhouse of Tupac proportions. I have something like 50 songs no one will ever hear from a two month period. But that hyperactivity, when combined with my new terrible personality, led to countless social interactions I wish I could erase from history. Ranging from abusive to downright embarrassing, I can't even think about them now without wanting to crawl under a rock and die. They led to most of my friends cutting ties with me and me with them.
What saved me was some wise words from an old friend. Honestly they were more obvious than they were wise, but in my steroid-addled brain, it seemed to be the other way around.
"You're hanging out with the wrong crowd."
At first I was mad that he would say that, because prednisone makes you mad about everything. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I had squandered the good friends I'd had, all of them in AP classes and going to college while still partying every weekend, for a bunch of thugs. So I stopped. Everything. No more music, no more anger, no more of this new perversion of my old self. I completely shut myself off from the world, and since January, that has been my life. I even did a song with someone who is famous, and significantly easier to brag about having worked with - and I didn't tell anyone. I couldn't risk relapsing into what I'd been.
Today was my first day being a supersenior in high school. I'm stuck there with very few people I know. Since I realized what I'd become, I've done a whole lot of mind-numbing nothing, and I thought being back in school and being around people would be good for me. I was not expecting the awful day I had. Multiple times during the day, I had the thought, "someone shoot me in the head."
Physically I felt awful; with my illess, I think ideally it's much healthier for me not to be out of the house for as long as a full school day. And I really wasn't prepared for what it would feel like to be back on the campus. Realizing that all my friends from last year who made the short time I had there amazing are now scattered across the country was surprisingly painful. Every time I turn a corner, I expect one of them to be there, and then I realize they never will be.
The worst part is, I don't even want to make new friends. I have a hard time shaking the feeling that I don't belong, and that everyone around me is too young. How can they relate to someone like me? How can they understand any of what I went through?
How can I even focus on classes when I feel so out of place? It's hard enough getting back to subjects I haven't studied in almost a year. I'm in three APs with fewer free blocks than I've ever had in high school, and my Spanish is so rusty I think I should drop the course.
I don't know how this story ends. I don't know what will happen this year, and I don't even know what I want to have happen.
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I was on prednisone for a while, sank me into a pretty bad depression but never had any anger issues. What were you diagnosed with?
Socially I know how you feel. All through high school I isolated myself due to anxiety and depression. I just lay in bed all day trying to hide in my dreams and sometimes I'd just crawl up and listen to the radio. The time I wasn't in bed was spent on the computer. By the end I was so neurotic and antisocial I'd lost the ability to relate to another person...still am like that I guess. By brain feels pretty messed up most of the time, I get these weird spurts of tension inside my head, my teeth clench and start to hurt.
It is strange to be so annoyed by your own personality and not be able to do anything about it. Like you're not even in control of who you are. Sometimes I wonder if people really change or if they just repress what they don't like.
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On August 30 2012 17:46 Pandemona wrote:Touching story  Hope there is a possibility of a happy ending I'm a rap fan so any chance of hearing a few of your tracks or not?
You know what...fuck it. Here's 16 of them. http://www.mediafire.com/?aypyoejarfaz08d
Someone might as well hear them. All of those are from when I first started taking prednisone or earlier, so it hadn't had much effect yet.
On August 30 2012 18:06 Roe wrote:
I was on prednisone for a while, sank me into a pretty bad depression but never had any anger issues. What were you diagnosed with?
Socially I know how you feel. All through high school I isolated myself due to anxiety and depression. I just lay in bed all day trying to hide in my dreams and sometimes I'd just crawl up and listen to the radio. The time I wasn't in bed was spent on the computer. By the end I was so neurotic and antisocial I'd lost the ability to relate to another person...still am like that I guess. By brain feels pretty messed up most of the time, I get these weird spurts of tension inside my head, my teeth clench and start to hurt.
It is strange to be so annoyed by your own personality and not be able to do anything about it. Like you're not even in control of who you are. Sometimes I wonder if people really change or if they just repress what they don't like.
That last paragraph is exactly how it's like for me, too. I wonder if that happens to a lot of people who take prednisone. Also, I had those same types of headaches while I was taking it; never after, though.
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sounds like you had the courage and the heart to make the right choice. now you gotta stick with it and pull through. obviously a lot easier to say than to do. seems like you have it in you though, since you were able to make the change and go back to school.
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Pandemona
Charlie Sheens House51474 Posts
On August 30 2012 18:13 Escuche wrote:Show nested quote +On August 30 2012 17:46 Pandemona wrote:Touching story Hope there is a possibility of a happy ending I'm a rap fan so any chance of hearing a few of your tracks or not? You know what...fuck it. Here's 16 of them. http://www.mediafire.com/?aypyoejarfaz08dSomeone might as well hear them. All of those are from when I first started taking prednisone or earlier, so it hadn't had much effect yet. Show nested quote +On August 30 2012 18:06 Roe wrote:
I was on prednisone for a while, sank me into a pretty bad depression but never had any anger issues. What were you diagnosed with?
Socially I know how you feel. All through high school I isolated myself due to anxiety and depression. I just lay in bed all day trying to hide in my dreams and sometimes I'd just crawl up and listen to the radio. The time I wasn't in bed was spent on the computer. By the end I was so neurotic and antisocial I'd lost the ability to relate to another person...still am like that I guess. By brain feels pretty messed up most of the time, I get these weird spurts of tension inside my head, my teeth clench and start to hurt.
It is strange to be so annoyed by your own personality and not be able to do anything about it. Like you're not even in control of who you are. Sometimes I wonder if people really change or if they just repress what they don't like. That last paragraph is exactly how it's like for me, too. I wonder if that happens to a lot of people who take prednisone. Also, I had those same types of headaches while I was taking it; never after, though.
Thanks! I'm at work currently as it's 10am in England so i will download when i get home and leave some feedback, i won't be too harsh, i listen to the lyrics more in Rap than any other Genre, im pretty looking forward to it 
Again, thanks for sharing this
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On August 30 2012 18:21 ieatkids5 wrote:
sounds like you had the courage and the heart to make the right choice. now you gotta stick with it and pull through. obviously a lot easier to say than to do. seems like you have it in you though, since you were able to make the change and go back to school.
Thanks, it always surprises me how much I need to hear comments like this.
On August 30 2012 18:23 Pandemona wrote:Thanks! I'm at work currently as it's 10am in England so i will download when i get home and leave some feedback, i won't be too harsh, i listen to the lyrics more in Rap than any other Genre, im pretty looking forward to it Again, thanks for sharing this
No problem - the best songs, I think, are 7, 10, 11, 12, 14, 15, 17, and 22. 8 and 20 are freestyles, and the skits are from a skype call the first time I got drunk.
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That's rough. I'll have a looksee at the tracks as well, and might as well point you to 'noisetrade.com' a portal for artists to distribute their stuff (e.g. mixtapes) for free, but you probably already know all about the online 'up-'n-comers' rap scene.
Don't be too concerned about not being a social god, your ego will take a big hit, but that'll make you grow and mature. Also, it really is worth it to push through going to school, especially when you don't feel like it. I had a really shitty last year of highschool, but I'd be nothing now if I hadn't kept it up, regardless of the social stigma.
Next year, if you do it right, you too will be another one of those guys, scattered across the nation in a completely new and exciting social environment: college. Look forward to that, work hard, and I hope you feel better < :
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On August 30 2012 20:44 bITt.mAN wrote:
That's rough. I'll have a looksee at the tracks as well, and might as well point you to 'noisetrade.com' a portal for artists to distribute their stuff (e.g. mixtapes) for free, but you probably already know all about the online 'up-'n-comers' rap scene.
Don't be too concerned about not being a social god, your ego will take a big hit, but that'll make you grow and mature. Also, it really is worth it to push through going to school, especially when you don't feel like it. I had a really shitty last year of highschool, but I'd be nothing now if I hadn't kept it up, regardless of the social stigma.
Next year, if you do it right, you too will be another one of those guys, scattered across the nation in a completely new and exciting social environment: college. Look forward to that, work hard, and I hope you feel better < :
It's gonna be a long year, no question about that. I hope you're right about maturing from all this...so far if anything it feels like I've gone backwords maturity-wise.
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On August 30 2012 18:06 Roe wrote:
I was on prednisone for a while, sank me into a pretty bad depression but never had any anger issues. What were you diagnosed with?
Socially I know how you feel. All through high school I isolated myself due to anxiety and depression. I just lay in bed all day trying to hide in my dreams and sometimes I'd just crawl up and listen to the radio. The time I wasn't in bed was spent on the computer. By the end I was so neurotic and antisocial I'd lost the ability to relate to another person...still am like that I guess. By brain feels pretty messed up most of the time, I get these weird spurts of tension inside my head, my teeth clench and start to hurt.
It is strange to be so annoyed by your own personality and not be able to do anything about it. Like you're not even in control of who you are. Sometimes I wonder if people really change or if they just repress what they don't like.
Just out of curiosity, how long were you on prednisone and how long did the depression last? I don't like to throw around the word "depression" but I definitely don't feel like myself.
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Wow, you...you are a strong person. Being able to turn oneself around...and you did it. Keep going, you can know that people will find you. You have your talents. It can be hard, but there's always a light at the end of the tunnel (not in a death sort of way, that's not what I meant at all). You'll mature, you'll become a better person. Good luck in all you do, even if I am some random person on the internet, I hope it counts for something.
Also, you (most likely, this IS TL) still have starcraft. If you're on NA, maybe we can practice at some point :D
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What a powerful story. As a senior in high school (the kind who solely associates with the "AP crowd"), I have a hard time imagining what kind of things you've been through. I don't even think I will try, and simply appreciate the fact that you've had the power to overcome, and retell your story.
Grats, man. I sense good things from you in the future ;D.
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I agree, rappers are intolerable morons.
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On September 01 2012 14:59 Amridell wrote:
Wow, you...you are a strong person. Being able to turn oneself around...and you did it. Keep going, you can know that people will find you. You have your talents. It can be hard, but there's always a light at the end of the tunnel (not in a death sort of way, that's not what I meant at all). You'll mature, you'll become a better person. Good luck in all you do, even if I am some random person on the internet, I hope it counts for something.
Also, you (most likely, this IS TL) still have starcraft. If you're on NA, maybe we can practice at some point :D
Thanks, man, it definitely does count for something. I don't play much SC2 anymore, but if I ever wind up logging on I'm Che.561 on NA.
On September 01 2012 15:34 rampantfang wrote:
What a powerful story. As a senior in high school (the kind who solely associates with the "AP crowd"), I have a hard time imagining what kind of things you've been through. I don't even think I will try, and simply appreciate the fact that you've had the power to overcome, and retell your story.
Grats, man. I sense good things from you in the future ;D.
I don't blame you for not wanting to think about what I've been through. Definitely stick with that crowd. They're the best of the best.
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On September 01 2012 23:03 Pandemona wrote:You rapping in Spanish on "Put It Down Syndrome?" Pretty sick to be fair haha. Awesome mixtape. Think you needed to "be there" or "Understand" you more to get the skits that are in there though. But most of the songs are pretty sick, i'm liking the mixtape, THANKS for sharing
Haha I forgot about that song. I made it for my friend's Spanish project (he made the beat). The lyrics are tongue-in-cheek - don't know if you understand Spanish, but I was talking about being from the streets and selling crack, etc. I'm glad you like the mixtape, not many people have heard it so I haven't gotten much feedback about it.
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Pandemona
Charlie Sheens House51474 Posts
It's good, should get it out if you like what you made. It's a good listen. It's in my Spotify in a playlist so will be putting it on whenever i need to listen to some real rap.
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That's sick, thanks for the support man. Not to sound cocky, but I do agree that it's good and more people should hear it. If it was anyone else's music I'd spread it around, but since it's mine and I want to stay away from rap I don't want to.
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