I'm about to start my senior year in college and about 8 months ago, I found out my girlfriend was cheating on me. I thought I was in love. I was inconsolable. Not only was she my girlfriend, but she was also my best friend. For almost 3 years, there wasn't a single day I didn't talk to her at least once, whether it be through text, phone, or face to face. She was my best friend and we talked about everything. To make things even worse, since we were such good friends, our mutual friends were the same. I decided to just not be friends with that group of people anymore.
After that, I entered a huge phase of depression and self loathing and other things that happen after an unfavorable breakup. I thought about it for a while and I realized that I was a relationship junkie. every single girl I've ever dated was a rebound of my previous breakup. I had always tried to cover the memories and sadness of a girl by just replacing her with a new girl. For 7 years, I had not been single for more than a month.
So I would just try just being alone and trying to enjoy my life. 8 months later, I am still extremely unhappy and bitter about the breakup. I have hobbies, I play sc2 with my friends, I work out, I'm about to start my last year in college. I only have 20 credit hours left to graduate. life doesn't seem to be terrible, but I am just unhappy.
This last year of college is pretty much smooth sailing and although I'm majoring in computer science, I'm not really interested in the subject matter and know enough to get an A or B in my classes but don't really go above and beyond to really learn. I have no ambitions. If you've ever seen the movie Officespace, i'm pretty much that guy. There's nothing I want to do after college. I guess get a job so I can buy food for myself, but not much else. I am just uniformly unhappy.
So I guess my question is, what am I looking for? or even, how do i start to even figure out how to find what i'm looking for? its been a long journey to find myself, and I've found nothing.
Hey I went through a lot of stuff like that last year when I was doing CS. I got a job since then have been working really hard and doing really challenging things which has been satisfying. Also, I started doing a lot of competitive training where I was just casually working out and that made a huge difference too.
Just try something random, see if it works for you. If it doesn't then just move on and it's a lesson learned. Also, you can't really 'figure out' who you are. You are who you choose to be, the decisions you make and the actions you take every day build your identity.
Today, in first world countries at least, life is no longer about survival, it's about finding happiness. I think most happy people find happiness through a mix of religion, family/friends, and a job. I'm guessing you aren't religious. It sounds like you don't have any friends. And you don't have a job.
I think having positive friend/family relationships would help you a lot. It can be really hard to find those in today's society, especially if you are an unhappy person.
People talk about being happy by yourself, but that's impossible to do if you don't know how to get over a breakup. As far as getting over the most recent breakup, I would recommend "Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One" by John Gray. I read it and liked it. I think the most important part of that book is when he talks about four emotions that you need to feel in order to get over losing someone. They are fear, anger, sorrow, and sadness. Fear of the future, of never finding love again. Anger at your ex for doing the things they did. Sorrow over the happy times you had that are now lost. And sadness that you will not have any more happiness with that person that you were looking forward to.
Often, we may have conditioned ourselves not to feel one of those emotions for any number of reasons. If that's the case, we can get stuck in unhappy feelings after a breakup for a long time, even years. John Gray talks about his experience counseling people where he helped them feel one of those emotions that they were repressing and the immediately began to feel better.
It is very hard to get over a breakup without having friends or family to have good times with. Making friends can be really hard and I don't know how you can do that. Try to get involved in clubs or activities that you are interested in and meet people that way. College is a great place to make friends. Try to take advantage of it, because I think after you leave college, it will be a lot harder to meet people.
I wish you the best. I can't promise that you will be happy. But I hope you find something.
I often feel unsatisfied with my life as well. I think part of it, at least for me, is having certain regrets about decisions I've made in the past. It's just a general attitude I have of life that I could have done better or tried harder for the grade, or I'm not living up to my potential. But I've learned that at the end of the day most things usually work out and even if you find yourself somewhere you think you don't belong, there are always others who never even got the opportunity to be in your shoes and do what you're doing. I feel a bit deflated sometimes knowing, in retrospect, that someone somewhere in the world would do anything to have had the kinds of opportunities I had, and they would give their 100% at all times, but you know, you just can't change the past. Life's what it is now. You have to live in the moment.
On August 28 2012 12:07 superbarnie wrote: You can always give religion a try.
Classic evangelism, get 'em while they're down. You don't need religion to be happy, it's just one of many ways of getting out, being involved in things and meeting people. Pick something fun/productive and just do it. The girlfriend will come.
You need to keep going with what your doing now. Your last year of college sounds like it is going to be a fun one anyway, so just see where it takes you. Your at college, go on a huge bender if you can afford to (in the sense of not missing classes etc) get some party back in your life and it might cheer you up.
IMO if you have been like that with each gf, talk to them everyday then maybe your a bit to clingy, and that might be the reason for break ups. Try and emerse yourself into your hobbies and your friends social lives more so your not focused on your own as much. You enjoy SC2 and with your mates, hang round with your mates more often and play more sc2. Most importantly, PARTY, its your last year of freedom until you have 40 years of work go live your life!
You are looking for meaning and satisfaction in life. Something to look forward to, to make it worthwile, to make it enjoyable, and to be 'so awesome' you're just on fire and bursting to LIVE.
That my friend, is not an easy question to answer. Is what I have described, the case (u dun need to tell us, its down to u and yourself)? I don't know how much serious thinking you've done about this. But asking 'what am I looking for' 'what am I needing' 'what do I actually love, and want to do' .... 'what purpose or meaning is there to my life/existence' are simultaneously the hardest, and the most important questions you will ever have to answer.
I just want to encourage you in facing whatever ugly doubts or anxieties or truths there are wrapped up with these questions. I have a million and one things that I've put in my life to occupy myself when I feel the way you do, but really I put them there so that I'm too busy and distracted to actually work at the source of my own anghsts.
Please don't hesitate to seek out help for sorting this sort of thing out. There's no shame, its actually quite mature to admit you can't do it all alone, just find someone trustworthy with a heart to listen and try and 'work the things out'. Seriously, it is HARD, it is arguably one of the most demanding and challenging things you'll EVER have to do. But it is worth it, it is SO worth it.
I wouldn't reccomend spilling all the beans of your heart on TL. Do it in real life so u can have a good cry and get some Oxytocin from a hug. It really helps a lot, and you'll feel much better. I'm confident your College provides kinda counselling, confidential of course. Lots of guys are too macho to allow themselves to be that emotionally vulnerable, which is really sad, as they live in denial of "I'm happy" when really they're just distracting themselves to forget that they do have issues, and those are real, and they hurt.
And against the overwheling grain of /r/atheism, try them out and see if they're trustworthy and actually there to serve and care for you, but don't be too afraid to seek out 'the reliable guys', as in, leaders in your College's Christian circles. I'm sure you know exactly who to ask, I just pray they can respect and treat you properly, not in a way that'd turn you off. Before you shut out the idea completely, I only say Christian, as chances are that's the most established, extensive, and adequate contingent in your campus to deal with this sort of ministry. Seek out whoever, from whatever, but what's really important is that it's completely clear (like, eminating from them) that the people you talk to about this stuff are JUST FULL OF LOVE. I don't mean that in a wierdo way, I mean it in that they are caring, compassionate, kind, trustworthy, and all around the best people to confide in for this sort of stuff.
On August 28 2012 12:07 superbarnie wrote: You can always give religion a try.
Classic evangelism, get 'em while they're down. You don't need religion to be happy, it's just one of many ways of getting out, being involved in things and meeting people. Pick something fun/productive and just do it. The girlfriend will come.
You don't need religion to be happy. Until you're dead.
On August 28 2012 12:07 superbarnie wrote: You can always give religion a try.
Classic evangelism, get 'em while they're down. You don't need religion to be happy, it's just one of many ways of getting out, being involved in things and meeting people. Pick something fun/productive and just do it. The girlfriend will come.
You don't need religion to be happy. Until you're dead.
You do realize that there are religions out there that unlike Christianity doesn't threaten the person with eternal hell after death if he doesn't fully commit to it
EPT
go live your life!
