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A poem should be equal to: Not true

Blogs > Temerarious Trout
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Temerarious Trout
Profile Blog Joined August 2012
174 Posts
Last Edited: 2012-10-13 02:07:52
August 05 2012 01:49 GMT
#1
Hello everybody! I'm relatively new to poetry, and having not read much poetry at all, it's kind of like a baptism by fire. I don't know what sparked my interest in poetry, but here I am. I've written a few thus far, and would like to share it with my fellow TLers. Please note that some are fairly Atheistic in nature, but there isn't any blatant bashing of religion, so I hope this isn't against TL legislation!





[#1] Hitherto, this remains untitled. It however, is my first original poem



What do the scriptures say,

Of the stars that hide in day?

The dance of the infinite stars,

The giant spheres moving with such haste,

All in the sea as dark as tar,

In the scriptures, what is their place?

In the bible of know-it-all fools,

Where are all the atoms and molecules,

The Chemistry and Physics rules?

Why hide the Biological miracles,

And leave Scientists as a group of miserables?

Is religion really such a poison,

A hate machine that’s always on?

Some, like Hitchens, like to argue,

While some just want to care for Mittens.

A few things I think and lament,

Some things that leave on my heart, a dent :

Is it a human obligation,

To fight for Science in every nation?

Is it a social obligation,

to keep mum to maintain a necessary relation?

One thing to me is quite clear,

And those who disagree gets a leer;

We should all have an obligation,

To always keep Science in motion.








[#2] My interpretation of the famous Hitchen's quote, “One must state it plainly” quote



To put things plainly,

And not in way that’s dainty :

Religion comes from a period of human prehistory.

Where many a wonder was an unfound mystery.

It comes from the bawling and fearful infancy of our species,

Where we hadn’t even explored half of the seven seas.

To meet our demand for knowledge t’was a babyish attempt.

If it dare oppose Science, treat it with contempt






[#3] Idealism



The words of someone too idealistic,

Is often pompous and too bombastic,

To the reader they confuddle,

Creating a mental kerfuffle.

Lament because they’re quite bright,

And their theories aren’t that trite.

Lament because some can’t present,

And it’s they who can change the present.






[#4] Girls Who Read, Adapted from Mark Grist's little speech



I’d prefere a girl who reads,

Because what’s more important, what supercedes,

Is a girl with wit, passions, and dreams,

So I’d prefer a girl who reads.

A girl who gleans novels and poetry,

And holds conversations that are lively.

A girl that ties her hair while reading Jane Eyre.

A girl that feeds her addiction for fiction,

For unusual poems, for unusual peoms,

And camps in a crooked bookstore for days.

She’ll be soaking up the back of her cornflakes box,

And the info she gets from reading makes her a total fox.

She’s interesting and unique because she reads,

And her theories will make me weak in the knees.

She’ll analyse the menu over dinner,

And using what she reads, she’ll kick my arse in arguments, always being the winner.

She’ll still be sweet and dirty,

Cos’ she likes the classics, and they’re pretty dirty.








Thank you for taking the time to read! Please feel free to leave constructive criticisms or feedback.

*****
Feel it first, think about it later
kamkerx
Profile Blog Joined August 2011
United States264 Posts
August 05 2012 01:59 GMT
#2
Here is my feed back and i appologize in advanced for being blunt but 1 syllable rhymes are boring and frankly my little brother could write them. So to step your game up to the next level i would suggest more complex rhymes/rhyme schemes.

also i didnt feel like they flowed it felt like you just made a bunch of statements and put them together (and you could just change the order and it wouldnt effect the poem), but a poem is supposed to be more like a story with beginging middle and end. perhaps for the sciencey ones you could make a statement to start it off have a realization about it and then write how you feel afterwards.

btw im atheist i love hitchens and i wish you gl in advancing your writting skills.
Temerarious Trout
Profile Blog Joined August 2012
174 Posts
August 05 2012 02:04 GMT
#3
On August 05 2012 10:59 kamkerx wrote:
Here is my feed back and i appologize in advanced for being blunt but 1 syllable rhymes are boring and frankly my little brother could write them. So to step your game up to the next level i would suggest more complex rhymes/rhyme schemes.

also i didnt feel like they flowed it felt like you just made a bunch of statements and put them together (and you could just change the order and it wouldnt effect the poem), but a poem is supposed to be more like a story with beginging middle and end. perhaps for the sciencey ones you could make a statement to start it off have a realization about it and then write how you feel afterwards.

btw im atheist i love hitchens and i wish you gl in advancing your writting skills.


Huh, that's interesting! What's the real problem with 1 syllable rhymes though? Also, what defines a syllable in a rhyme? I don't see any lines of mine with just 1 syllable.

Anyway, can you suggest some complex rhymes to learn from?
Feel it first, think about it later
Mothra
Profile Blog Joined November 2009
United States1448 Posts
Last Edited: 2012-08-05 02:13:58
August 05 2012 02:13 GMT
#4
I feel like you should probably try and enjoy reading poetry before writing stuff you expect others to enjoy. Just like prose... can you imagine someone saying "I hate books and never read them, but check out this story I wrote."
Temerarious Trout
Profile Blog Joined August 2012
174 Posts
August 05 2012 02:18 GMT
#5
On August 05 2012 11:13 Mothra wrote:
I feel like you should probably try and enjoy reading poetry before writing stuff you expect others to enjoy. Just like prose... can you imagine someone saying "I hate books and never read them, but check out this story I wrote."


Well I don't really expect anybody to enjoy them, it's just as it is. I write.
And that example is really, really superlative.
Feel it first, think about it later
kamkerx
Profile Blog Joined August 2011
United States264 Posts
Last Edited: 2012-08-05 02:43:36
August 05 2012 02:40 GMT
#6
On August 05 2012 11:04 Temerarious Trout wrote:
Show nested quote +
On August 05 2012 10:59 kamkerx wrote:
Here is my feed back and i appologize in advanced for being blunt but 1 syllable rhymes are boring and frankly my little brother could write them. So to step your game up to the next level i would suggest more complex rhymes/rhyme schemes.

also i didnt feel like they flowed it felt like you just made a bunch of statements and put them together (and you could just change the order and it wouldnt effect the poem), but a poem is supposed to be more like a story with beginging middle and end. perhaps for the sciencey ones you could make a statement to start it off have a realization about it and then write how you feel afterwards.

btw im atheist i love hitchens and i wish you gl in advancing your writting skills.


Huh, that's interesting! What's the real problem with 1 syllable rhymes though? Also, what defines a syllable in a rhyme? I don't see any lines of mine with just 1 syllable.

Anyway, can you suggest some complex rhymes to learn from?


well first off theres nothing wrong with 1 syllable rhymes if you like them but i just get bored of them and its pretty straight forward but heres an example

craNK
and
taNK
in that rhyme the nk syllable is the one that ryhmes however
a ryhme like

i have a NIFFTY HOBBY
i collect FIFFTY BODDIES
inside of a SIX SPEED
and LEAN out the winddow
and SCREAM at HOTTIES

i capitalized the rhymes in this and you can see that words ryhme in different places and at different times and instead of
just the end syllable rhyming theres words that have multipul syllables of rhymes. to me its just more challenging and exciting. i hope i explanded it clearly. ( btw i dont do anything i said in that rhyme it was just for the sake of giving you something to show multisyllable rhymes and a different rhyme scheme than just rhyming the last word of the line) :D glgl

i also appologize for all the wrong spellings im horrible at grammer ):


Temerarious Trout
Profile Blog Joined August 2012
174 Posts
August 05 2012 02:49 GMT
#7
Haha, thanks for the example. I'll definitely keep this in mind!
You explained it clearly enough
Feel it first, think about it later
Fishgle
Profile Blog Joined May 2011
United States2174 Posts
August 05 2012 08:14 GMT
#8
your title originates here; http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15222 ^_^
welcome to poetry, btw ^^ rather brave to be posting your very fist poems for public scrutiny, i may add.

ok. let's be blunt now. i think you should stop trying to rhyme. Usually for new poets rhyme is a crutch. Or even worse, rhyme causes new poets to write awkward, forced, ungrammatical lines. So ye, my recommendation is to take a jab at free verse. (either that or make sure your rhymes fit snugly, in a prosaic sense)

Also, here's an exercise, do you know any language other than english? If so, translate these poems. What this does is remove all rhyme, rhythm, assonance, cliche, and idiomatic expressions. Then ask yourself, is this poem still interesting? has it survived the metamorphosis?

did you post your first poem to /r/poetry or /r/poetsmackdown btw? i seem to have read it , or at least something similar, at one point.

Anyway, i like the titles, i like the themes. I really like how you take ideas from many different places and mold them into your own. Just keep batting away and writing. and editing and editing and editing. The trashbin is a writer's best friend.

I recommend you read this, too: http://www.english.illinois.edu/maps/poets/m_r/pound/retrospect.htm
[i'm a huge fanboy of the Pound Era xD ]

and try to find someone IRL to trade poems with for critique/editing. it helps tons. gl hf ^_^
aka ChillyGonzalo / GnozL
Temerarious Trout
Profile Blog Joined August 2012
174 Posts
Last Edited: 2012-09-20 10:50:03
August 05 2012 08:36 GMT
#9
Thanks for the feedback Fishgle!

Yes, I've posted the first six lines of my first poem to r/poetry

I'll try to change how I write my poems, it'll take some time though. But your advice really helps!
Feel it first, think about it later
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