EPTWell this won't be a silly blog about my dad like Part 1. My dad passed away two days ago. My dad was never sick, and he was still working on his tugboat. Like any other day, he was doing some random contract jobs for a small company in my town. It was great because he was finally working again. He was getting paid, and sitting at home jobless was eating away at him. I'm kind of glad he died in this state...completely satisfied.
Anyway, let's go back to Saturday, the day we found out. No one heard from my dad since Friday afternoon. He had to go sleep on the boat for a job (it was docked), so he went. Hell, maybe I brought him. I don't remember. Well tomorrow comes, and as usual, my mom was calling him just to check on him. It's funny because my dad always tells my mom,
No don't worry about me, I'm fine.
No answer, but we just assume he was in the engine room, left his phone in the galley, or whatever. So we were expecting a call a few hours later. My mom keeps calling at random intervals throughout the day. No answer. Then she'd ask people if they heard from Donald. No one heard from him. Then my sister calls my mom to tell her some car problems. Then my mom asks,
Why don't you call your dad?
He didn't pick up his phone.
Well that triggered my mom to go to the boat. She drives to the boat (15 minute drive perhaps?), and shouts his name. No answer. Gets on the boat, then goes into the galley. My mom says that she was about to yell at him,
Donald, why didn't you answer your phone!!!
She sees him laying on the couch, as if he were sleeping. She went go tug on his foot to wake him up. Cold.
I don't even want to try to imagine what my mom went through at that moment, but long story short, she called 911, called my brother, and next thing I know, I see my parrain and my sister in-law pull up, and stand outside of the Quiznos I work at. They have this solemn look on their face, and my sister-in-law is tearing. I have this faint thought in my head,
Hmmm, maybe dad died?
It was one of those completely non-serious, completely random "what if?" thoughts. And I was thinking of this because my mom kept going on about how my dad didn't answer his phone. But, in reality, I wasn't expecting it. So I walk outside, and my parrain says that they found my dad passed away on the boat.
I don't know what happened, but my brain just shut down. The only way I could put it is that I stopped thinking. I was seeing, feeling, hearing, smelling, and even functioning normal, but not thinking. On the ride to the boat, I was just staring out the window of the truck. I was just looking at whatever houses, trees, grass, cows, ect. we were passing by. But that's it. I didn't have a single thought behind that. Now every once in a while, I would get a thought. I thought,
Why am I not crying?
But just as quickly as it came, it went away. Before I could analyze why I'm not crying or anything like that, my brain just stopped. Eventually, I did start crying. But only tearing up, no sniffing or hard breathing. Just thoughts of,
Holy shit, I don't have a dad anymore.
would make me tear up, but again, those thoughts went away fast. Then we arrive at the boat, and I go near my family, we're just sitting outside. I'm functioning normal in the sense that I'm going hug everyone, and when I saw my family (except my sister...she lives an hour away & going get picked up by a family member) I started to cry out of empathy (and because my fucking dad just died)...but after doing all the interactions, I just sat down and stared at the ground. My brain was still shut off. Then I start getting thoughts of
Why am I not thinking. WTF
but like the other thoughts, that thought just went away.
Now, you might be thinking that this blog will take too damn long, but I just wanted to set up how I've been feeling recently. While there is definitely a story of cousins coming helping us, meeting & comforting my sister, setting up funeral stuff, my sister & mom butting heads, ect., that doesn't seem like anything in retrospect. At least for me. So for the sake of my blog, just try to imagine a whole day (and the next two days) of the state of mind I just described. Blank. Because that is what I felt. I didn't feel like I just lost my dad (except those thoughts would come every now and then), I didn't feel anything.
So the next day (Sunday) comes around. I'm still blank...but I have a goal in mind. I just need to stay strong, and help my mom and brother. Of course, throughout yesterday, I've been hearing stay strong and various other things...but it all sounded like substance-less clichés to me. However, my brother isn't one for clichés, so whenever he said that we need to stay strong and help out mom, I took that to heart. I remembered that.
I wake up, and immediately go help my brother do some yard work. My mind is still blank, but I'm doing some random task, and at least I'm keeping myself occupied in some sort of shallow physical way. The day passes on, I can't really remember the order of events, but eventually, I have a meal with only me, my brother, and his wife. And I'm glad we got this alone time because I feel that my brother needs me. I don't know how he does it, but he is actually taking over a lot of responsibilities of funeral arrangement, bills, ect. while making sure the whole immediate family (me, my brother, my mom, my sister) stays in tact. Even though I'm not taking over any big responsibilities., with that meal we had, he just keeps asking my input and we can vent a little to each other. I don't really know how to put it concisely, but let's just say that after he got over asking me if I was okay, he seemed to be overall more energized and confident.
Nothing really special happened Sunday, but as I went to sleep and throughout the day, I noticed I could hold a thought longer. Just a little longer, but still, it gives me hope. For "meditation" too, I've just started to look at some random object or scene. I can look at a tree swaying in the wind or cars passing along the road. It just calms me and lets me think that even though I personally shut down, the world keeps turning, whether it is the wind blowing or the traffic moving. It sounds kind of stupid, cheesy, and overly poetic, but whatever.
The next day (Monday/today unless I can't finish this blog in 20 minutes) comes. Same stuff: just helping around the house & preparing for the funeral. Luckily we finished all the yard work yesterday, so I didn't have to sweat too much in Louisiana heat
We also went go see my dad in his coffin at the funeral home. It was only my mom, her sister (she's been helping a fuck load; I love you nanny.), my grandmother, my brother, my sister, and myself. (My dad's sisters are still flying in.) I didn't cry. I wanted to, but I teared up a little at most.
However, the biggest thing for me this day is that I was finally finding some normalcy. Throughout these last few days, I've been thinking of how to text people, write a few words about my dad on facebook, blog, and just talk to people. But every time I would type, it'd just sound confused, jumbled, and not up to my standards. I'm not saying I'm some sort of English master, but when I type, I type as if I can speak what I'm saying naturally. I couldn't do that at all the last few days. But, my close friend texted me, and I managed to text her back normally. I didn't have to delete sentenced, restart, delete, then end up not texting. I managed to make a text message in one go. It seems so simple, but I guess this is a huge thing for someone whose been locked in his blank brain for the last two days.
And now, I'm writing this blog. Although I've caught myself saying a few awkward things, I'm finally writing coherently. And throughout writing this blog, I've been thinking. I'm holding onto thoughts even longer, and I'm starting to feel normal again. And I just felt a jolt of emotional pain, but that's normal. So the funeral is tomorrow, well today now since the clock just hit 00:01. Wish me luck.
I was going to cover why I love my dad and all the cool stuff about him, his amazing stories, ect., but I'm exhausted now, and I got a huge day ahead of me. So even though it wasn't planned, I'll do a Part 3 tomorrow as a big ass tribute to my dad. And I know this blog is a big TLDR, but I did this for myself...I'm not trying to make this artificially interesting or anything.
