Haven't written another one in awhile, I've had a few ideas, a few things I wanted to write out but just let it go in the end. Sometimes, it just isn't worth writing everything I think, especially publicly. It's difficult for me to maintain friends as simply friends. To keep them mentally in a state of purely enjoying their presence and what they have to say more than just as opportunities for something more. Everything is so tactical to me now when it comes to the social aspect of my life. My real life friends help support the new life I'm trying to intergrate, to get away from being in my place for so many hours, silent as a mouse, creating an echo for this empty lot on the 18th floor. Even beyond these large windows is just an empty part of the city, not too far off from the highway and bridges that lead people away from this supposed bustling city.
But when I step outside, press my body against the balcony's edge and look far into the horizon, I hear nothing but the quietness mirrored indoors. I know people are doing things and I realize they are doing important matters that gets them moving everyday, but I don't wish for the same, but I also don't want to be doing nothing anymore. I don't want to become irrelevant.
Her upbeat songs are difficult to pull off. She isn't exactly known for her fastest beats and a lot of the songs just sound odd or awry, but The Peter Malick Group get it pat-down. Nice job.
It's a bit weird too, I don't really care what my follower count is on Twitter and I care even less about the going-ons with Facebook as I've never personally signed up to the site. But when it comes to communications and talking with people, everything is strategic to me and I want to avoid that. I guess it's a sort of Mass Effect/The Sims feeling where I want to say the right things to ensure the right emotions and eventually establish the correct reputation: The Goffamn/Cooley theory maybe, I refer to them a lot. Oddly enough, it never turns out that way and I get categorized as either an interesting personality or an easy teasing target, a clear indicative that things aren't that simply linear, or that I'm just really bad at it; neither suprise me and it's a good lesson in the end of it all. Although I feel like I treat people other than who they are, I've actually never taken advantage of their good-nature or really accepted any offer for them to help whatsoever, I guess it's a way of preserving what I want from people. Fighting myself to maintain sanctity of friends and positive relationshions, sounds a bit far-fetched. I'm a bit intolerant when it comes to playful teasing though, I've taken a lot of varying social abuse from it since I've come to Canada and my accent becoming an easy target for a lot of French Canadians during my growing years. It's also just my personality, alone I am as recluse and mindful as a fox (whatever that means, just very keen). With most people, when I get eventually comfortable with them, I become pretty mindless and silly, muttering the strangest things to them despites how pointless or trivial it is, probably to maintain a level of interest and because I hate the silence. It's too bizarre to figure out and picking at it only leads me to conclusions that makes it feel all too discouraging.
Maybe I approach things so pseduo-intellectually to compensate for the bad patterns of behavior I do with people and if so; it becomes a vicious circle of trying to rectify things systematically when I act so loosely in-person. Building up and spiral down. I told myself in the past that using friends as opportunities is only going to create missed chances in life. I gotta keep to that word, to that sound view and just maintain a level-headedness that my chance will come and the outcome I want in life will be reached in one aspect or another. I have the most common qualification for any job in the world: determination, but I am getting pretty experienced at it with new and exciting scenarios.
I also have to stop comparing myself with others. That is still a very difficult for me since I almost live by the idea of "fairness". I can't stand things being unequal, unfair, despite the contexts not even remotely close to relatable. Like many others, I'm jealous of people at the top of areas I want to be good at. Unlike a lot of angry people, I don't metamorphise that jealousy into pretentious legitimate issues about those people, but it does skew my emotions towards others and I'm aware of that and it hasn't played a huge significant issue yet, it just makes me complain a lot to friends I rely on and I need to change and stop that (or at least tone it down). Patience, things will come, wait and see. I just have to keep reminding myself that and finish school before I chase after ambitions that I can't take advantage of yet (since I'm still in school). Just relax and do what you can and want to do now.
Every once in awhile, I'll find a new Norah Jones song that just sounds very right and swell. I can see people saying she can get on your nerves. She does for me too sometimes, but sometimes she just sounds right what I need to hear, the wrong words, the wrong tone, but the music is just right.
Let's be clear though, I can enjoy other people for who they are and not for their background, it's just not always instinctual and perhaps that is due to the setting. I really think this all is associative with my unsure future and fear of what is to become of me as my last year of university is speeding at an incredible pace or maybe I'm just uncomfortable with myself and this pre-adolescent/self-identification is all too common with people just starting their puberty. In any case, I'm not too worried, if I stop, think and just not get so worked up on what I'm saying and focus more on how I'm saying it, I think I can hit a middle-ground of both respectability and humaneness that I have the traits for.
I don't know if what I'm saying is too brutally honest and causes ripples with the friends I know and have met, but I think they have a stronger moral view of everything, including of me, than myself. I do a lot for people and I know that, I hope that plays an actual role when people consider me for anything in particular. Yesterday I asked myself: "What do you do?" and I realized, almost comedically, that the fastest response to it would be: I do a few things, I am the least important person the team. I make sure everyone knows that they're essential to getting the project done and without their qualification, we will never be as successful as we could be with you. I have no real technical expertise, my business understanding is probably equal to most optimal and patient way to play Monopoly and my writing is good enough to be entertaining for a brief moment because it becomes overly-drawn out and redundant. I'm not even bothered by this conclusion I've made and it is a bit delusional, maybe overly-pessimistic, I could think of a more proud summary of what I do with all the projects I've accomplished with great people, but somehow; I like the first answer the best.
I actually considered stopped writing now. This would be readable at least right? Not overly-drawn out where I write out the pointlessness of my days? I started my professional writing minor and I do have some fears about going to NASL, but I might save that for tomorrow's piece maybe. A few people told me to write a blog and this is the first thing I wanted to write (I won't name them because otherwise it defeats the purpose of private messages -- I oddly get more p.ms about writing more than comments in my blogs. No complaints, but at least the viewcount is more than people just checking how long these blogs are).
Yeah, I'll stop here, let's see how well a shorter blog does that is just a rambling of nothingness but the social ineptitude of a growing young adult. Now to sprinkle some songs I like across the entry.
Good blog this time Torte. Not because it is shorter, but because you put a lot of your heartfelt emotions out there and gave us an introspective look into you. Or maybe because I can actually relate to what you write of. In any case, I haven't read many of your newer blogs (last one I read fully was probably right after your dentist ones :p) but I do put this up there with your post that I have enjoyed the most. If you care to know, it was the Ken and Barbie post you made in a girl blog once that got you temp-banned hahaa.
edit: read it before you just edited it. The last sentence makes the blog seem pretty casual now and less of an outpour of your thoughts (which I enjoyed) but point still stands.
Definitely shorter than usual. I figured dividing things would make entries a lot more digestible and give more room to expand as well.
I was actually unsure about writing this because I felt it was too truthful and hurts my image more, but at the same time; that's a bit ironic to what I just wrote. Being scared of the superficially constructed, also I'm hoping the openness will be better interepreted than what the content might misconvey.
Or maybe because I can actually relate to what you write of.
If you care to know, it was the Ken and Barbie post you made in a girl blog once that got you temp-banned hahaa.
I didn't get temp'd for that one, I got temp'd for satirically making fun of someone's other girl blog about how his girl was special and I mimicked it as well. But I remember that old post, haha, it was good.
edit: read it before you just edited it. The last sentence makes the blog seem pretty casual now and less of an outpour of your thoughts (which I enjoyed) but point still stands.
I wanted to make note that although I have fears of taking advantage of people, I actually haven't done of it yet, more the contrary as some friends have advised. It's still something I wanted to get off my chest because it's a real problem and my over-ambitiousness to make certain friends has had contrary outcomes to what I wanted.
I know people are doing things and I realize they are doing important matters that gets them moving everyday, but I don't wish for the same, but I also don't want to be doing nothing anymore. I don't want to become irrelevant.
Well said, this is so true for me :\
But when it comes to communications and talking with people, everything is strategic to me and I want to avoid that. I guess it's a sort of Mass Effect/The Sims feeling where I want to say the right things to ensure the right emotions and eventually establish the correct reputation
I wanted to make note that although I have fears of taking advantage of people, I actually haven't done of it yet, more the contrary as some friends have advised. It's still something I wanted to get off my chest because it's a real problem and my over-ambitiousness to make certain friends has had contrary outcomes to what I wanted.
You sound like you'd be a great "evil businessman" as they say, if only you'd let yourself free. I kind of get this feeling like I'm that way but I discovered the struggle to build a different world and the question of ethics and morals in my early years. Since then I think those feelings have taken solace in my gaming with all the games that involve trying to rule the world and play your opponents off each other - doing whatever you can to win. But meh, I'm probably going way off here :x
Wow, that's a really interestingly provocative piece of writing. I really enjoyed reading it and the music is really good thank you. I don't really know how to respond maybe I will later maybe I wont, either way, thank you.
Interesting read. I guess I must ask, do you see communication primarily as a method for exhanging views and thoughts, or a method where understanding personalities is more important than actual content?
I know people are doing things and I realize they are doing important matters that gets them moving everyday, but I don't wish for the same, but I also don't want to be doing nothing anymore. I don't want to become irrelevant.
But when it comes to communications and talking with people, everything is strategic to me and I want to avoid that. I guess it's a sort of Mass Effect/The Sims feeling where I want to say the right things to ensure the right emotions and eventually establish the correct reputation
I wanted to make note that although I have fears of taking advantage of people, I actually haven't done of it yet, more the contrary as some friends have advised. It's still something I wanted to get off my chest because it's a real problem and my over-ambitiousness to make certain friends has had contrary outcomes to what I wanted.
You sound like you'd be a great "evil businessman" as they say, if only you'd let yourself free. I kind of get this feeling like I'm that way but I discovered the struggle to build a different world and the question of ethics and morals in my early years. Since then I think those feelings have taken solace in my gaming with all the games that involve trying to rule the world and play your opponents off each other - doing whatever you can to win. But meh, I'm probably going way off here :x
No, I'd be a pretty transparent manipulative ass if I was to "let go". I think after awhile, you just let things go and do or feel what you want, but on occasion, these reconsiderations roll back to the front of your mind.
On June 29 2012 07:28 LightTemplar wrote: Wow, that's a really interestingly provocative piece of writing. I really enjoyed reading it and the music is really good thank you. I don't really know how to respond maybe I will later maybe I wont, either way, thank you.
Provocative? Oh, I don't know about that, but thanks!
On June 29 2012 08:17 Chiharu Harukaze wrote: Interesting read. I guess I must ask, do you see communication primarily as a method for exhanging views and thoughts, or a method where understanding personalities is more important than actual content?
It's both. Exchanging views and thoughts helps depict someone's personality.
On June 29 2012 09:03 JoFritzMD wrote: Why is that every single one of your blogs echo my own thoughts or show a similar value set to mine. I think we might actually be the same people.
I strive for commonality between my thoughts and others.
Needs more pictures man. You always seem to be able to take really awesome ones that mean seem to acturally something. Not many people can do that, especially over the internet.
You flatter me a bit too much. I took pictures on my shitty-ass phone. I'm looking to borrow a shitty-ass camera so I can at least get something less grainy ^^
In due time, I'll take more pictures, no worries. I've been indoors more, so I haven't had the luxury of seeing more of this beautiful city.
Wow this is a great entry. Just like a lot of people here, I feel like you've hit it spot-on.
While at first your blogs may seem a bit daunting to read because of length, upon beginning them I invariably end up just loving them. When I read this entry, I feel as if your thoughts are mirrored in my mind (for various reasons I imagine e.g. having the same thoughts, good writing helping people to relate, et al). I seriously feel as if my thoughts are put into words, such is the empathy invoked. It's like you're speaking for me and putting my thoughts into flowing prose; I read it as quickly as I could think almost.
For some reason the experience feels almost cheapened knowing that there are others that feel more or less the same way lol, a bit jealous hehe that we have something in common this way--maybe it should be appreciation and not envy that's the feeling. I am a bit envious of how well you put your thoughts into writing, no matter what you say. I just cannot write about myself like that (i.e. write personally, in the first person, about myself) and want to strive to be able to speak through writing in that way. Anyway, always seem to miss your blogs, glad I didn't miss this one ^^
On June 29 2012 12:41 Aerisky wrote: Wow this is a great entry. Just like a lot of people here, I feel like you've hit it spot-on.
While at first your blogs may seem a bit daunting to read because of length, upon beginning them I invariably end up just loving them. When I read this entry, I feel as if your thoughts are mirrored in my mind (for various reasons I imagine e.g. having the same thoughts, good writing helping people to relate, et al). I seriously feel as if my thoughts are put into words, such is the empathy invoked. It's like you're speaking for me and putting my thoughts into flowing prose; I read it as quickly as I could think almost.
For some reason the experience feels almost cheapened knowing that there are others that feel more or less the same way lol, a bit jealous hehe that we have something in common this way--maybe it should be appreciation and not envy that's the feeling. I am a bit envious of how well you put your thoughts into writing, no matter what you say. I just cannot write about myself like that (i.e. write personally, in the first person, about myself) and want to strive to be able to speak through writing in that way. Anyway, always seem to miss your blogs, glad I didn't miss this one ^^
Best of luck yo, I believe in you
Thank you, I actually strive for this, though perhaps I hit too realistically for myself as well (I wasn't too comfortable posting this, then again; I never reread my entries).
Yeah, they're all easy reads in my opinion, but the length is a problem I have (academic papers too, no lying there).
Thanks again and just because we think commonly, doesn't mean it isn't unique in how we approach the idea.
EPT
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