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Chernobyl Diarrhea

Blogs > Iyerbeth
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Iyerbeth
Profile Blog Joined October 2010
England2410 Posts
Last Edited: 2012-06-28 19:37:22
June 28 2012 19:20 GMT
#1
So today I watched the worst film I've ever seen. If you were here looking for information on radiactive fecal matter...well you're probably still in the right place but this blog is about the film 'Chernobyl Diaries'. Also, wtf is wrong with you? This post won't contain spoilers outside of things seen in the trailer, but you shouldn't watch it anyway.

So first for anyone unfamiliar with the film, the story is set mainly in and around Chernobyl Nuclear Power Station and the nearby town, Prypiat. It's a horror film from the writer behind Paranormal Activity and is about some clueless tourists visitting the town for...err...photos I think...

Either way, all they had to do was make a horror film based on a ghost town from a period of history draped in secrets and fear set around a famous nuclear accident. How hard could it be?

[image loading]

How hard *could* it be?


So to start with the writing, Oren Peli provides an uplifting tale of hope overcoming adversity with a story that shows aspiring writers that it doesn't matter how terrible your piece, no matter how cliched and uninspired, you can still have your crap inexplicably end up in cinema. Beyond that there is no merit to his writing with regards to this film. Everything is poorly concieved, completely obvious or otherwise just stupid. Without giving spoilers it's difficult to go in to detail but there is maybe one point near the start of the film that isn't described as such.

It reached the point that it was actually annoying and were it not that I was with other people this would be the first film I've seen I'd have actually walked out of.

[image loading]

Unfortunately no evacuation notice reached the cinema's showing 'Chernobyl Diaries'.


The horror aspect of the film is also exagerated. I admit, I did have worries going to see a 15 rated horror film, but I'm not hard to satisfy. I'm pretty good at allowing myself to become immersed in a film and follow the story where it wants to take me, but this film does everything it can to prevent that. Whether it's the terrible writing, the worst group acting of all time or maybe even just the young girls behind us (who were clearly not 15) laughing at how bad it was, I just couldn't see past the faults of this film to let what very few potential shocks actually build up to anything.

Another problem with the film is that the characters are completely unlikable in their stupidity, and within the confines of the terrible story. I don't think it would be possible to want any of them to live, and so the suspense of watching them struggle against the horror aspects of the film is replaced with the tedium of hoping they die soon to get the film over with. Whenever there is a choice available, they pick the wrong one as if the people behind it were unsure if they were producing a parody or a horror film. The whole thing ends up as an exercise in putting up with someone making a sudden loud noise in your ear every 10 minutes to remind you you're meant to be scared.

What's worse than all of that is the amount of absurd elements added purely to try to create a scary film and make the trailer look better than it would otherwise. For instance, there is a young child in the trailer standing still for some unknown reason who exists only to say "Look, a child being weird. That's still scary right? OOooooOOOooh." It's also entirely misleading of the creators to show it in the advert as it makes no sense even by the standards of this abomination and it is also a completely stand alone event that doesn't even fit with the rest of the story.

[image loading]

OOooooOOOooh.


Finally the ending. Yes I promised no spoilers so I won't actually give specifics but it was just stupid. The one redeeming feature it has though, is that it actually ends the film and you can leave.

Don't watch this film.

*****
♥ Liquid`Sheth ♥ Liquid`TLO ♥
JerKy
Profile Blog Joined January 2011
Korea (South)3013 Posts
June 28 2012 19:24 GMT
#2
Hmm. Interesting. I was actually kinda looking forward to watching this movie sometime
Thanks for the review ^_^
You can type "StarCraft" with just your left hand.
Roe
Profile Blog Joined June 2010
Canada6002 Posts
June 28 2012 19:26 GMT
#3
Thank you for vindicating my initial thoughts about the movie ^.^
iamperfection
Profile Blog Joined February 2011
United States9640 Posts
June 28 2012 19:45 GMT
#4
Sometimes i like watching really bad films. Kind of like a mystery science theater 3000 thing were we just make fun of the movie.
http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewmessage.php?topic_id=406168&currentpage=78#1551
radscorpion9
Profile Blog Joined March 2011
Canada2252 Posts
Last Edited: 2012-06-29 01:30:06
June 29 2012 01:29 GMT
#5
Just wanted to say...that sometimes squirting water into your mouth is harder than it looks. Sure it seems like you've pointed it into your mouth, but then you give it a big squeeze and it goes all over the place! At least its difficult the first few times

Anyway...I love the oOOoohhh part of your review. Those children can be pretty irritating
AKomrade
Profile Blog Joined March 2010
United States582 Posts
June 29 2012 01:32 GMT
#6
Super disappoint. Was hoping it'd be like a four person STALKER story or something.
ALL HAIL THE KING IN THE NORTH! HAIL! HAIL!
Chairman Ray
Profile Blog Joined December 2009
United States11903 Posts
June 29 2012 02:56 GMT
#7
Was about the watch this movie, then I saw the reviews...
SometimesIworkout
Profile Joined June 2012
Cambodia75 Posts
June 29 2012 06:02 GMT
#8
That movie put me to sleep, like jigglypuff
"my upper chest is weak" "you have no upper chest"
Iyerbeth
Profile Blog Joined October 2010
England2410 Posts
June 29 2012 10:54 GMT
#9
On June 29 2012 10:32 AKomrade wrote:
Super disappoint. Was hoping it'd be like a four person STALKER story or something.


One of the people I went with said that on the way home and yeah, that would have been awesome.
♥ Liquid`Sheth ♥ Liquid`TLO ♥
Kerotan
Profile Blog Joined May 2008
England2109 Posts
June 29 2012 14:57 GMT
#10
I think you should run all the movies you plan to watch by me first, I'll be your own personal Mark Kermode.
I still think you should have just left half way through, even in presence of others, be like "I'm getting ice cream, no need to tell me how this POS ends, I'll just look up the ending later if it preys on my mind"
Nerdette // External revolution - Internal revolution // Fabulous // I raise my hands to heaven of curiosity // I don't know what to ask for // What has it got for me? // Kerribear
Probe1
Profile Blog Joined August 2010
United States17920 Posts
June 29 2012 15:41 GMT
#11
Spoiler alert
+ Show Spoiler +
In this movie you will learn that monsters are real but deadly fucking radiation is not


I saw it in theaters and if not for my friends with me to make fun of it, it would have been a tragedy.
우정호 KT_VIOLET 1988 - 2012 While we are postponing, life speeds by
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