I will talk a little about my personal first world problems, current state of life and I will ask advice on how to turn it around. If you don't like angsty whining, you don't feel like helping or you generally want to be a troll or a dick to me, please stop reading beforehand.
From the outside, my life might not seem all too bad, and compared to most, it isn't.
I'm in my mid 20's, I've had an office job for 4 years, I'm getting my "Abitur" (prerequisite for German university) and hopefully I can go to the university next winter.
So I'm back at school, I have about 20 hours a week of actual lessons, which I attend like 70% of. My marks are pretty good, but since I'm not ambitious at all, never study and due to my poor attendence, they could be a lot better.
I have a reasonably large and clean appartement, I'm not starving, I don't have any debt or anything. I'm in decent shape, not amazing, but reasonably fit and healthy. Other than that, I'm quite ugly, which I'm aware but not concerned about.
Well, as you can kind of glimpse in the first part, I have tons of free time and I feel like I'm wasting all of it. Whenever something feels like work, I'm very reluctant to do it.
For instance, I read a ton of books, but the instant it's something for school, I get a mental block, just read the summary on Wikipedia on the day of the exam and be done with it. Especially with my final examinations coming up in fall 2012, I have to change that.
I've struggled with depression for a long time, I was always sad and used the only way out I could think of: adapting an attitude of perfect apathy, which took me a year and tons of self control.
Well, that backfired impressively. Now it's really hard to give a shit about anything, to motivate myself to do things, to be cheerful or even laugh about stuff.
My only real hobby is music. I play the guitar, I play the piano, I sing some and the only thing that can still evoke some sort of emotional response is a good song. But even with music it's extremely hard to be active. As soon as it feels like choir, I mean chore, I get reluctant to work on a song, a technique or particular passage. I just get this mental block and usually get up and do other shit instead.
I've never been very sociable and I like moving a lot, which is neat in a way, but in another way it's quite detrimental to my social life, which, at this point, has all but ceased to exist. My family lives a hundred miles away and I only see them twice a year.
Amazingly, I've had my share of girls, which, to this point, I can't quite comprehend and even lived with my then girl friend for around four years, but it's been months since I've been sexually active, which, at my age, is borderline alarming. I really miss having a girlfriend, but for the last years I've only had affairs that were purely physical and did nothing for me in terms of companionship.
So basically I just sit there, fiddle my guitar, waste tons of time at my computer, hang around in the park reading and just watch the days go by.
I've struggled with depression for a long time, I was always sad and used the only way out I could think of: adapting an attitude of perfect apathy, which took me a year and tons of self control.
Well, that backfired impressively. Now it's really hard to give a shit about anything, to motivate myself to do things, to be cheerful or even laugh about stuff.
Not giving a shit about anything isn't a solution to depression. It's a symptom of depression. Based on what you describe, I think you should ask yourself if you have clinical depression. If you think it might be a possibility, get help: talk to a doctor, counselor, or at the very least a friend or family member about it.
Here's a blurb about clinical depression pulled from google: + Show Spoiler +
When we refer to depression in the following pages, we are talking about "clinical depression." Clinical depression is a serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. Individuals with clinical depression are unable to function as they used to. Often they have lost interest in activities that were once enjoyable to them, and feel sad and hopeless for extended periods of time. Clinical depression is not the same as feeling sad or depressed for a few days and then feeling better. It can affect your body, mood, thoughts, and behavior. It can change your eating habits, how you feel and think, your ability to work and study, and how you interact with people. People who suffer from clinical depression often report that they "don't feel like themselves anymore."
Clinical depression is not a sign of personal weakness, or a condition that can be willed away. Clinically depressed people cannot "pull themselves together" and get better. In fact, clinical depression often interferes with a person's ability or wish to get help. Clinical depression is a serious illness that lasts for weeks, months and sometimes years. It may even influence someone to contemplate or attempt suicide.
People of all ages, genders, ethnicities, cultures, and religions can suffer from clinical depression. Each year it affects over 17 million American men and women (source: American Psychiatric Association). While clinical depression is common, it is frequently unrecognized and untreated.
There are different types and levels of clinical depression. Mental health counselors and psychiatrists are trained to diagnose and treat clinical depression. With the right treatment, most people who seek help get better within several months. Many people begin to feel better in just a few weeks.
Note the second paragraph. If you are depressed, you usually can't just will yourself to be different. However, there's a lot you can do to deal with depression. Medication can often help. Little things like diet and exercise are also key.
[...]but it's been months since I've been sexually active, which, at my age, is borderline alarming.
Why? What is it about sex that makes everyone think it is a necessary component of a good life? I mean, surely it can't be the pleasure, since there are a lot of things out there that bring about a comparable if not greater amount of pleasure, so there's no reason to single out sex here. Maybe it's desire satisfaction? That is, since we think that a lot of people desire sex often, then the person to satisfy his desires more often must have a better life? That doesn't seem right either. Maybe it's just a cultural prejudice? Or maybe it's actually about relationships? Surely relationships are a necessary component of a good life, but do they have to be romantic?
"I've struggled with depression for a long time, I was always sad and used the only way out I could think of: adapting an attitude of perfect apathy, which took me a year and tons of self control."
Do the exact opposite of this...except the tons of self-control part...
(And your adopting an attitude of apathy didn't backfire...that's exactly what was meant to happen)
[...]but it's been months since I've been sexually active, which, at my age, is borderline alarming.
Worst reason to have sex ever. Why don't you start to stop living a life of stereotypes and begin to live your own life? It is clear to me that you're following the rest like a sheep.
[...]but it's been months since I've been sexually active, which, at my age, is borderline alarming.
Worst reason to have sex ever. Why don't you start to stop living a life of stereotypes and begin to live your own life? It is clear to me that you're following the rest like a sheep.
[...]but it's been months since I've been sexually active, which, at my age, is borderline alarming.
Worst reason to have sex ever. Why don't you start to stop living a life of stereotypes and begin to live your own life? It is clear to me that you're following the rest like a sheep.
You guys focus on entirely the wrong aspect...
I disagree. This seems to be the root of the issue.
Go out, meet new people, remember that you don't have to have sex because of your age/gender/whatever, try taking things slow with a woman you're interested in and see if it's preferable. A relationship that just rushes into sex is one that probably won't last long.
That said, if all you really want is sex to end your dry spell, save yourself some trouble searching and just pay for it.
What you need is definitely not what you are doing now. You are a dependent person, you need a girlfriend to be by your side whether you want to admit to it or not. I suggest what you do is STOP moving and START exploring every bit of your town. Instead of seeing the regular sites, you should develop a system in which you basically intrigue yourself by all the places you go. To combat your depression one thing that you can do is see a psychologist, I highly doubt you have clinical depression, if so it would be crushing you, you would not have found a way to cope with it because that is one of the symptoms of clinical depression, is the inability to cope with said depression. I sense something in your past is really getting you down, not what you have written, but something we don't know about. As a teenager who is NOT a psychologist nor one that has obtained a degree in anything above middle school (SO CLOSE TO FINISHING HIGHSCHOOL) I'm going to recommend these steps [list] [*] See a psychologist, as soon as you can, and talk with him about this sadness [*] Explore your town and see the backroads, the hole in the wall diners, the fun stuff that tourists miss [*] Get a girlfriend who understands you, if she is pretty fine, but maily a REALLY nice one that cares about you. [*] If you love music, get in a band, you don't have to be incredibly social to make lots of friends, that is a big thing people misunderstand, you don't have to be incredibly charismatic to meet people really. Also I suggest if you love music, go to a music club and play there. [*] this last part is the most important learn to give a shit, I did what you did, total apathy and went emotionally numb it sucks, a lot its terrible, seriously. I hope it never happens to you ever it really, really sucks worse than you can ever imagine. Learn to care, and care passionately about stuff that counts.
EPT
