I wanted to write about meeting White-Ra, JP and other stuff that's been coming to me as the school year ends, but I think I'll write something more personal for advice and help. Yes, painting and street fighter is on the way, I have a lot to say about it.
I'm not scared of an eventual death. In fact, to know is not comforting, but the knowledge that it is coming is a reassurance of its own. How does that make any sense? Well, I fear what's after death. I don't necessarily believe in reincarnation, the visual imagery of afterlife from religion or stories, but I suppose I accept the idea that we have new lives after, a complete reset of our conscience and we are different people after this one ends. Oddly, I am afraid of that: I like, in one way or another, who I am now. I like what I've done, can do or feel I can do. I don't want to be anyone else and I've held onto this feeling for a long time. I don't think I'm unique, I don't think I am better than other people, but I am very comfortable in some ways, with myself and I like knowing my faults. Rediscovering all of this as a new being, despite knowing that I will never know of myself being a previous being, still scares me.
The future scares me. It still does and forever will. I am scared of where I will be both georgraphically, career-wise and even if I can make it out in the real world. I have been spoiled by my parents in a sense, but the education system has spoiled me the most. It's spoiled me into not worrying about my future at all, that the next grade is my first and immediate goal and getting into University was my sole interest and goal. Finishing my Sociology degree and everything has been the only thing I had planned through summers and the past two years. I am finishing it this year and I just got accepted to do a minor in professional writing [which will only take me a year to do!]. But what then? I didn't consider graduate school because I have no aspirations and I am growing a bit weary of the motions of learning and the assignments [for those who don't know, I've went to a French school for all of my high-school years and had to redo my 6th and 9th grade due to language issues).
So what now? Where do I go from here? Am I even qualified to enter an area of the workforce I enjoy or am comfortable with? The notion that I may have to do a mundane, pointless 9 to 5 minimum wage retail job is something I've come to terms with and dread. The possibility that I may have to leave this city is equally haunting, but I've come to accept nonetheless. Yes, admittedly, I would like a job in what I am doign now; I have been doing it for awhile and it is the only thing I know how to do. I love managing players, scheduling, organizing events, talking to big companies, setting up sponsorship packages, getting the latest news in various gaming communities and sites, etc. etc. I enjoy the work-at-home feel as well as the flexible hours (It's usually 9 to 12 hours of work with all the projects I'm doing or trying to get into and it's hardly exhausting). I wish it would include travel [and obviously any form of pay or monetary reward], but I'm not going to cry over it and scream injustices. I am drumming my fingers at knowing that I won't be able to do this when I get a job and I probably won't be able to find a job that has all these duties involved or described.
I'm scared of conforming to what's coming ahead, to what I may have to reduce myself to or will have to walk away from: something that has beat me out of symptoms of depression (I'm using that word very lightly, my analyst thought I had it, but I disagree). It has helped me find a place where I feel I belong and it's brought out the only thing I can write on my CV: Effort, diligence and determination. How do I convey this to an interviewer? How do I tell them that I can do things for hours on end without lamenting or complaining? That is not to be boastful nor really say that I'm important, capable of doing things no one else can do, but it's saying I am proud of what I've done and fearful that I could never do it again, that I can't start all over, from a place I've grown so unfamiliar with and looked away for years.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CB4fO-f33K0&feature=related This song is a perfect summary of how I am feeling at this moment. The pitter-patter of the piano, the slow weave of high-key piano notes to the drawn bathwater of the low-key piano background. The cleansing violin slowly shifting into their seats, getting comfortable as the second wave comes in, an even more detailed reiteration of what once came. Then, in one fell swoop, its a whirlwind of noises, unsureness and incertitude. The violins are fierce, strong, and whimsical and the piano is trying to catch-up, trying to follow along as it goes high to low, high to low
I have not much to show on my CV in terms of actual job experience. I only have the many events, teams and organizations I helped with and learned how to do the basics of little business, public relations and organization/management. Everything I've done is self-taught and founded on a lie and a bit of public overconfidence: "I can do that! I know what to do! Let me give that a shot!".
It's this fear that has often lead me to feeling so worried and bothered about things. When I met people like JP, White-Ra and people in the best. I would come off overly interested in them, as if they were the one and only opportunity to make an impression of myself for them, it was dumb, naive and just plain stupid. I didn't do anything embarassing or extreme, but I do feel perhaps I come off a bit too overly-interested and chatty. I need to remind myself that these people are exactly who they are: people. They aren't here necessarily for you specfically and they're certainly not here sometimes for a business. So why am I treating each occurence like a chance to make something happen? It's just plain dumb and I regret it everytime. It makes me come off overly-ambitious and loses sight of Dale Carnegie's teachings to always keep the conversation about the other person. Sometimes I lose track of that and yet; that shouldn't matter because an opportunity will present itself as an opportunity, not a person.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=834lnECcFw0 Goo Goo Dolls for me was the start of my interest in writing. I often would play a lot of ideas around their lyrics when I was a kid to write a bit more figuratively and ambigiously. I haven't improved as much as I would of hoped, but it deeply change my paths of music and things I looked for in music. No I didn't put Iris with Goo Goo Dolls because it's the most overplayed shit like Train's Drops of Jupiter.
That's what fear does to me, it makes me try harder, to keep things within my realm of understanding, control and even grasp of communication. When I see something or someone that can help orient my life I become too dependent, too desiring to have them know I am someone they can count on, despite having nothing for them to really associate or assign me too. It's self-defeating and just furthers me into a darker place of incertitude.
I have an unfinished staircase of things to keep me prepared: majorly touch-up on my CV, something I haven't learned or done since high-school (all my qualifications are there, the format is just old as fuck) and finish university. After that, no idea. I want to work with a company that does a lot of sponsored events or sponsoring organizations, that's what I feel would be very close to what I do now or along those lines (with the added bonus of perhaps travelling to these events, meeting people, etc. Things I love doing!). But will my sociology degree work? Mike Ambinder from Valve told me over the phone when we spoke like 3 years ago [fucking long ago] that it doesn't matter what my degree is, it matters how I fit that into the job I want and can convince the employer that there is relevance (that's what he did when he was trying to get hired at Valve where he tried to catch them at conventions, etc.). The money isn't even important, it was never a part of the things I did and thus it was never really a motivator for me. It isn't now either, I just want a good internet connection, a nice computer, a small savings for any rainy days or expositions I'd one day get to see (my first MLG/DreamHack?) and enough for food and rent. I think that's what we all search in the end, a little bit something something and to love our job. I am scared that what I do here in Montreal, the connections, friends and the feeling of being somewhere I belong will not have any promotional effect if I move elsewhere. What I can do here, the people I can rely on here took years to establish, to create (naturally, not by force and certainly not from obligation).
I hope to avoid the alienation of work that I'm constantly across in my classes whenever we speak of work. I never know what will come ahead and I am honestly unsure, it's ruining the things I am trying to do now and crushing the way I like to think. Worrying is a vicious circle, but it constantly illusions me that I am making progress. In reality, I am just going back to where I started.
White-Ra and his wife at my favourite restaurant: Reuben's. We enjoyed some great meals and chatted a bit. It was nice, I didn't get his autograph, but I got to shake his hand, have some general conversation and get to know him as a person. I think it's a fair trade-off
I too fear the future. I'm nearing 18 and I've really screwed my life over. Quit school with good grades because I had ingenious plan to skip directly to college. I was tired of having to sit though my teacher babysitting the other kids in the class. Got my GED 1 week after I turned 16 with a 97% median test score (77% writing luls, topic was about writing about our generation...wtf I'm too young to reflect on our generation). Then my mind drew a blank as I had no idea what I wanted to go to college for. Finally settled with something I.T. because playing with computers ezpz. Then my biggest blow happened. My parents said I was worthless and wouldn't be paying for college (was community college!). So I said fuck it and showed them what worthless is. I've been sitting at home for 1 1/2 years doing absolutely nothing except playing on the computer and watching TV. I'm 17, have no job (choice), no friends and no future.
You my friend have it made, so why should you fear the future?
Nice to hear about what's going on, as always. Hopefully you'll find some fulfilment in the writing course you take next year. Your writing might seem insubstantial to you, but that's because you're so familiar with your own style. You're really quite a writer (even in1.5 thousand word blogs lamenting your quarter-life crisis), and you'd probably be surprised how well you measure up to most people.
Have you been seriously considering writing as a career? That doesn't necessarily mean writing a novel and becoming an alcoholic; there's a lot of interesting work in journalism. I look at the crazy stuff the guys over at GiantBomb do and I get to thinking that journalism is the only sane career choice.
I share a lot of your angst over the shift from school to career. Admittedly I'm much younger than you, but I still feel the weight of that near future choice. I can't shake the feeling that its a black and white choice, that its either a successful career and happy life or a shitty bureaucratic existence. Its a false dichotomy, but that's still how it feels.
Maybe you are depressed? Maybe you're just smart. Sometimes I think the only intelligent people are the depressed ones.
I'm in the same spot, except I really don't have any experience at all and I don't have any skills to differentiate myself from others. I'm in psychology, but I'm a bit of a flake: I can't stay on an area for too long before I get bored, making me a sort of jack of all trades and master of none. I really don't have any interest in getting a job either. I often fall into deep and prolonged periods of depression in which I just lay in bed for days, doing nothing.
I have to ask, why did you go for sociology? Was it the writing? Do you have to write as long as you live, and would you rather die than give up writing? Then just go all-in with writing. Make it become your life. It won't be glamorous, and people will make you wonder why you keep writing, but all the struggle will be worth having a life instead of a job. I always ask myself the same issues Hitchens brings up:
I have not much to show on my CV in terms of actual job experience. I only have the many events, teams and organizations I helped with and learned how to do the basics of little business, public relations and organization/management. Everything I've done is self-taught and founded on a lie and a bit of public overconfidence: "I can do that! I know what to do! Let me give that a shot!".
Say something like this to whomever is interviewing you. It shows what most employers seem to want: someone who can do anything for any amount of time, with initiative and null inertia.
No offense to Whitera, but I'm always wondering how he manages to keep a girl like that. Maybe it's just the girls in the west that have little regard for a pro gamer, and a veteran one at that. I always wonder what he's gonna do after this, and how he makes end's meat as it is.
Super jealous you got to meet White-Ra. I think you're over thinking everything personally though, but of course that's from someone who has no education in sociology, so I can't really blame you. Just need to relax and let life take its course imo.
Maybe White-Ra keeps a girl like that because HE'S A GOOD PERSON (and not bad looking either, and funny and caring). What's his career got to do with it as long as they can make ends meet? I don't understand why people question relationships based on appearance. If you aren't really ugly it doesn't matter that much (and if you think it does you deserve the kind of people who will end up with you).
Anyway: Torte, it's not a lie if you actually pull it off-- you are claiming to be capable, and if you figured it out on the fly and made it happen you are certainly capable! That kind of ability to problem solve as you go is really valuable. Don't think of it as a weakness.
I had a quarterlife crisis as well last year; I was going to post a blog about it but after I wrote it was so deeply personal I felt uncomfortable sharing it with anyone else. A small part of the crisis was actually related-- finding out what the hell to do with my life. This was narrowed down by examining what I'm good at, bad at, what I love, and what I hate. Also accidentally taking an art class an landing a job as an intern to an event coordinator. You already found something you're good at and that you like. There's no need to worry unless you don't keep actively pursuing it! This may end up meaning you work like djwheat used to, esports on the side of 9-5. If you work hard enough and continue to look for better options, you're going to find it. You may also want to consider jobs where your current skills apply (managing at a small company or something, helping run massive events like concerts, film festivals, w/e-- you can talk to me about it more if you want since that's my job now) that are a little different. That way you give yourself more options with something you have relevant experiences in.
No offense to Whitera, but I'm always wondering how he manages to keep a girl like that. Maybe it's just the girls in the west that have little regard for a pro gamer, and a veteran one at that. I always wonder what he's gonna do after this, and how he makes end's meat as it is.
On April 06 2012 08:32 Siliticx wrote: Good Read. I think I get what you mean a bit more and therefore if there's ANYTHING I cna do you tell me.
I think in the end, it will come down to me and just doing what needs to get done. A little hope, a little understanding and patience and I may just get a job I both respect and can enjoy thoroughly.
On April 06 2012 08:57 iTzSnypah wrote: Holy White-Ra has a hot wife.
I too fear the future. I'm nearing 18 and I've really screwed my life over. Quit school with good grades because I had ingenious plan to skip directly to college. I was tired of having to sit though my teacher babysitting the other kids in the class. Got my GED 1 week after I turned 16 with a 97% median test score (77% writing luls, topic was about writing about our generation...wtf I'm too young to reflect on our generation). Then my mind drew a blank as I had no idea what I wanted to go to college for. Finally settled with something I.T. because playing with computers ezpz. Then my biggest blow happened. My parents said I was worthless and wouldn't be paying for college (was community college!). So I said fuck it and showed them what worthless is. I've been sitting at home for 1 1/2 years doing absolutely nothing except playing on the computer and watching TV. I'm 17, have no job (choice), no friends and no future.
You my friend have it made, so why should you fear the future?
Yes, White-Ra's wife is very attractive actually. She is absolutely lovely, poise, refined. A little shy, but you can tell she is very excited of where she is and she can take in the scene with her own sense of appreciation. She doesn't smile beyond politefulness, but is both warming and understanding. She is an absolute joy to have around, no matter how quiet she is.
I'm sorry to hear about your situation, have you mapped out what you want to potentially do in the future? Maybe you need a change of scenery, etc.
On April 06 2012 09:12 Lexpar wrote: Nice to hear about what's going on, as always. Hopefully you'll find some fulfilment in the writing course you take next year. Your writing might seem insubstantial to you, but that's because you're so familiar with your own style. You're really quite a writer (even in1.5 thousand word blogs lamenting your quarter-life crisis), and you'd probably be surprised how well you measure up to most people.
Have you been seriously considering writing as a career? That doesn't necessarily mean writing a novel and becoming an alcoholic; there's a lot of interesting work in journalism. I look at the crazy stuff the guys over at GiantBomb do and I get to thinking that journalism is the only sane career choice.
I share a lot of your angst over the shift from school to career. Admittedly I'm much younger than you, but I still feel the weight of that near future choice. I can't shake the feeling that its a black and white choice, that its either a successful career and happy life or a shitty bureaucratic existence. Its a false dichotomy, but that's still how it feels.
Maybe you are depressed? Maybe you're just smart. Sometimes I think the only intelligent people are the depressed ones.
I hope so too, it'll get me back into reading which I've been lazily avoiding. Getting back into reading and structured writing will at least have me show something or gauge what I can and cannot do and that's what I want to seek out at the very least. I've seen some sociology student writers and most of them are pretty generic/bad, my writing when speaking personally is frank and a little overly-elaborate. My informative writing is hit or miss, it doesn't always come out the way I want to or entirely grasping the point.
No, I will never consider writing as a career. I consider it as a tool in my career, but I have neither the patience or joy to write a full story of any sort. I actually can't stand anything beyond short-stories when I write because I prefer description over story-progression and that's where I get caught up on.
I don't like today's sense of journalism, it feels very lackluster and a bit lazy (also very sensational). I know what you mean about the black & whiteness. Just leaving where I am now feels like a huge weight on my shoulders D:
I'm neither intelligent nor depressed. I feel I am satisfied with where I am, but want to seek more to accomplish sentimentally.
On April 06 2012 09:30 Grobyc wrote: Super jealous you got to meet White-Ra. I think you're over thinking everything personally though, but of course that's from someone who has no education in sociology, so I can't really blame you. Just need to relax and let life take its course imo.
Haha, the rewards of a little hard-work and lucky opportunities. You ever been to a major event because then we'd be even in jealousy T___T
Honestly, you put too much weight and worth in Sociology. Thanks for the advice~
On April 06 2012 09:32 RedJustice wrote: Maybe White-Ra keeps a girl like that because HE'S A GOOD PERSON (and not bad looking either, and funny and caring). What's his career got to do with it as long as they can make ends meet? I don't understand why people question relationships based on appearance. If you aren't really ugly it doesn't matter that much (and if you think it does you deserve the kind of people who will end up with you).
Anyway: Torte, it's not a lie if you actually pull it off-- you are claiming to be capable, and if you figured it out on the fly and made it happen you are certainly capable! That kind of ability to problem solve as you go is really valuable. Don't think of it as a weakness.
I had a quarterlife crisis as well last year; I was going to post a blog about it but after I wrote it was so deeply personal I felt uncomfortable sharing it with anyone else. A small part of the crisis was actually related-- finding out what the hell to do with my life. This was narrowed down by examining what I'm good at, bad at, what I love, and what I hate. Also accidentally taking an art class an landing a job as an intern to an event coordinator. You already found something you're good at and that you like. There's no need to worry unless you don't keep actively pursuing it! This may end up meaning you work like djwheat used to, esports on the side of 9-5. If you work hard enough and continue to look for better options, you're going to find it. You may also want to consider jobs where your current skills apply (managing at a small company or something, helping run massive events like concerts, film festivals, w/e-- you can talk to me about it more if you want since that's my job now) that are a little different. That way you give yourself more options with something you have relevant experiences in.
Not sure who you are getting a bit flustered at, but yeah...
Well, it's lying in the sense that I am implying an experience in it when I have none and if I don't succeed then its just becomes a self-fulfillment of the hot air I smoked. Thankfully I've been successful in most of what I claimed, usually now I tell them I can do it and admit my inability, but give them my gameplan and own common sense. Thanks for making it sense for me however!
I honestly want to do social media and public relations for companies, sponsorships, etc. Maybe I could do something like DJwheat but its never crossed my mind. I feel like there's a line drawn after next year and that I'm either on-board with this culture or not. I don't know if I want to do both and I know I won't be able to do as much as I am doing now and that deeply saddens me. IF you want to tell me more about your job, I would love to hear it!
On April 06 2012 10:23 procyonlotor wrote: I call First World Problems on your blog, Torte. The Spanish Inquisition will hear of this.
Also, the solution to your problems lies in dancing a little jig and stuffing yourself full of kebab. Come on, I know you can afford it.
Haha, yeah. It is a rather whiny blog entry. It's not the end of the world, but it still has a meaning to me. :B
Oh sorry lol. My flustering was at this: "No offense to Whitera, but I'm always wondering how he manages to keep a girl like that. Maybe it's just the girls in the west that have little regard for a pro gamer, and a veteran one at that. I always wonder what he's gonna do after this, and how he makes end's meat as it is." Pet peeve of mine when people question a relationship because of a perceived difference in appearance.
Social media/public relations was kind of what I started out thinking, actually. I took a job with Hospitality Services at my Uni, and ended up deciding that project management was something I want to do as a career. Here's kind of the basic summary of my job:
Each summer, my university makes millions (I think 16 mil last summer?) through my department of eight people. Around 200 'events' are held by us each summer. These events range from students coming to intern in Philadelphia from other colleges for three or four months, to high schoolers coming to a fencing camp for two days, or an international business conference that uses our facilities for lectures. I am the intern to the woman who handles all the logistics of running the events.
My duties include: - Handling legal contracts with our clients over payment and insurance (both on a program level and individual level). - Setting up a registration website. - Assigning people housing (actually more difficult than it looks to figure out housing for the whole summer, given so much overlap of stays). - Answering half a million questions about where people will stay, the safety of the city, local grocery stores, the bar scene, the laundry rooms, places to eat, etc.etc. - Prepping things like name badges and welcome folders for conferences. - Setting up rooms with certain numbers of tables, stages, chairs, etc. - Working with catering people. - Working with airport transportation to pick up our guests that do not speak much English so they don't have to navigate the taxis or train. - Directing traffic on move-in days, escorting people to their rooms and carrying their luggage, helping them get their room keys. - Constantly giving people directions or escorting them around to whatever building they are looking for. - Deciding scheduling for computer labs and tech support. - Being on call 24-7 in case a guest has an emergency in the middle of the night. - Running to the store at 2 am to get a guest toilet paper because they didn't buy their own. -.- - Making beds and setting out amenity packs for our highest tier of guests before they arrive. The list goes on and on.
The job requires someone who can stay very calm when nothing is working, more importantly, someone who can get the customer to stay calm when nothing is working; someone who can think very quickly to problem solve for things like-- we accidentally paired a male and female to share a room because they have names no one can pronounce and didn't send a picture for their ID cards... but there's no spare rooms; someone willing to work around the clock during high volume times; someone with a lot of common sense, patience, and good communication skills.
It's very rewarding if you like that kind of thing. XD I found out I love it, and now I plan on being a project director at a game studio, animation studio, or film studio (in that order of preference) for a career. I definitely like working more hands on with the people-- but maybe you really prefer the corporate side of things and dealing mostly with sponsors and brand image. Either way these kinds of jobs are everywhere, not just esports. The thing to figure out is if your passion stems from the work, or simply from esports. If you just don't enjoy that kind of work in any way for itself, you will not be very successful at it in other industries (burn out).
Finally (sorry I talked about myself a long time :D) I would just say: If there is a line drawn at the end of next year, it will be of your own making-- it isn't necessarily bad to do it, but you should be aware that the line isn't inevitable, it's a choice. If you choose to leave, you make it much harder to come back, just because of the short short life of everyone in the industry. It would still be possible, just much harder. If you hang around and invest a lot into it on the side though (like wheat, as I mentioned), your break may come. Depends on your personality a bit though if you have the patience for that.
On an unrelated note: I can't wait to see your paintings! :D
On April 06 2012 09:15 Roe wrote: I'm in the same spot, except I really don't have any experience at all and I don't have any skills to differentiate myself from others. I'm in psychology, but I'm a bit of a flake: I can't stay on an area for too long before I get bored, making me a sort of jack of all trades and master of none. I really don't have any interest in getting a job either. I often fall into deep and prolonged periods of depression in which I just lay in bed for days, doing nothing.
I have to ask, why did you go for sociology? Was it the writing? Do you have to write as long as you live, and would you rather die than give up writing? Then just go all-in with writing. Make it become your life. It won't be glamorous, and people will make you wonder why you keep writing, but all the struggle will be worth having a life instead of a job. I always ask myself the same issues Hitchens brings up:
I have not much to show on my CV in terms of actual job experience. I only have the many events, teams and organizations I helped with and learned how to do the basics of little business, public relations and organization/management. Everything I've done is self-taught and founded on a lie and a bit of public overconfidence: "I can do that! I know what to do! Let me give that a shot!".
Say something like this to whomever is interviewing you. It shows what most employers seem to want: someone who can do anything for any amount of time, with initiative and null inertia.
No offense to Whitera, but I'm always wondering how he manages to keep a girl like that. Maybe it's just the girls in the west that have little regard for a pro gamer, and a veteran one at that. I always wonder what he's gonna do after this, and how he makes end's meat as it is.
Laying in bed is nice to be honest, I actually spend days in bed just relaxing, music, old gamecube games and a damn good RPG story!
I went into Sociology because my mother had little faith in me getting accepted into Psychology. My grades were average in CEGEP with an incompleted start in Psychology (1 year and a half of Psychology and I did 5 courses of Sociology in about 1 semester [in fact, I did 10 courses on my last semester (the limited is 8, but I pushed it to 10 which is a bit illegal)]. I wanted Psychology because I enjoyed the individual mind rather than the sociological effect it has on it. I never switched because I had to finish my uni. in three years since my parents are paying for my tuition and I also hate the neurobiology of Psychology which Sociology has none.
I'm sorry to say, I don't enjoy writing that much. I like it, but I don't see the practicality and I'm not irrational enough to jump fully into writing knowing full well the lack of job prospects as well as the fact that I don't have any formal understanding of proper writing (yet), so there's no real point to that whatsoever.
That's a good line for my interviews, I might do that. I thought of selling the idea that I work for the project, which I figured that's a quality on its own most people underline, but I have the experience to show.
We asked White-Ra what he will do after he retires (he does have to retire sometime) and he said still stay within esports with companies, etc. Coach and such.
On April 06 2012 09:30 Grobyc wrote: Super jealous you got to meet White-Ra. I think you're over thinking everything personally though, but of course that's from someone who has no education in sociology, so I can't really blame you. Just need to relax and let life take its course imo.
Haha, the rewards of a little hard-work and lucky opportunities. You ever been to a major event because then we'd be even in jealousy T___T
Honestly, you put too much weight and worth in Sociology. Thanks for the advice~
Nope, biggest SC2 event I've been to was a barcraft I organized (lol). I'm waiting for MLG Vancouver to come around though
EPT![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/l14Ce.jpg)
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