EPTGrowing up man, right? What a headfuck. Give it some thought and it seems profoundly overwhelming. You travel those roads alone, drawing a map for yourself and if you're lucky you will have some company for the ride. You will not be any less alone because of it though.. it is essentially your-being-in-the-world: irreducibly private.
This walking along unveils the terrible unstability of it all. For one, the path you travel is changing itself, it seems that anywhere you look the sizes and forms of all you come across with are bound to dissolve into a mess: should you not exert effort to keep track of it, soon will it be irrecognizable. Because we know this, I suppose, we devote ourselves to fashion some semblance of stability, it constitutes the doings of our days and nights. You organize in the very center of yourself a congregation of expectations, hopes and wishes, and then you dilligently set off in the pursuit of actualizing these desires.
I've put so much stock on it, for the most part unconsciously, that the threat of the dissolution of these projects is too much to bear. So, you will see, those who may accompany in being alive soon become objects of desire, rather than hospitable grounds to forge meaningful relationhips. So that girl who I liked hanging out with becomes this strange vessel for my expectations and, really, my fears. I become a wretched figure who puts himself in the situation of pathological concern, a concern which in the end only pushes away those who are near me.
Man, for such a long time I dwelled on the fact that I had been cheated before.. it became the poster child for the justification of all my trust issues. I would find comfort in assuring myself that I was right to be like that, to bear distrust, to desire confirmation of reciprocal interest. But well.. that's kind bullshit right? The possibility of being cheated, the possibility of not being reciprocated, the possibility of being in for a dissapointment will never go away. Sure, you should keep an eye open for all of this, but you simply cannot do away with the fact that it happens, and you certainly cannot live in a constant state of stress because of it.
Moreover, It just really isn't fair with everyone else you have a relationship with: You are probably causing as much stress and confusion to those who simply do not deserve it. Am I doing that? I think that I am. All because I feel entitled to my distrust, that precious distrust. Because I feel entitled to be reciprocated, I feel entitled to demand interest, I feel entitled to pry into people's lifes and arrange them so that they fit what I need.
But that simply isn't a way to live. It seems that all you can really do is be faithful to your interests, respect that they were borne from within you. Be faithful to the fact that when you initiate any project there is value in recognizing the impulse, the interest and pursuing it. That for the time being that's all there is: That your pursuits are fruitful is a pending issue, an issue that can only be dealt with when it presents itself.
And it's good to realize that. It dispels that self-imposed slavery to desire and fear.
