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Just a couple that I slapped together recently, not particularly good but I figured I'd put them somewhere
The Measure of a Man
What is the measure of a man?
Is it what he does when safe, unobserved in the comfort of his hearth?
No. All men may do as they will, unopposed in the safety of their home
but that is not the measure of a man
What is the measure of a man?
What one may do when knowing that they will never be caught?
The moral fiber, perhaps will be tested there. But that is not
the measure of a man.
What is the measure of a man?
What he does under adversity, and chaos? When all order is gone
and all he may rely on is the self, the inner peace? Order may make
cowards lions, and chaos may make brave men
cowards.
The measure of a man may be found
in a hundred battlefields
and a hundred thousand graves
My Fortress of Solitude
Everywhere I turn I see people walk in twos
And then I know the reason why I prefer
My Sanctuary from the world, my Fortress of
Solitude.
The outside reveals a dark side of me
When I see those men and women, so happy, so content
It awakens deep down within my core, suppressed
A twinge of jealousy which
Becomes a twinge of sadness when it reaches the top
But still I know deep down that I felt one of the seven
At the happiness of others, envy
And so I keep inside all day, alone
Isolated.
Inside my little fortress, which I lord over
Like a tyrant king of yore, I am in control here
Over all except myself
And my emotions, suppressed I hope
Are raw, and clear here.
Here I have my window to the outside
My filtered lens through which I peer
Into the world, and learn of its people
Its politics, its leaders, its ways of life
A class may be taught here, about
Who controls the world
Who leads the world
A class may be taught here, about
The depths of sadness
And the heights of happiness
Most of all though, my Fortress of Solitude
Is a place to think
To feel
To be
Alone
And Alive
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yay poetry! seem to be alot of it here recently.
would you like some feedback, btw?
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Yes, I would love some feedback :D
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kk! fair warning though, i'm not going to tell you what you did right, i'm going to tell you what i feel you can improve, so expect zero compliments. (also sorry if this took a while, GSL finals and all)
mmk. I'll avoid subject matte for the most part, cept that i feel the first one has potential, and the second one is umm a very common topic, i guess.
In terms of writing style, you fall into the trap of trying to sound poetic a couple times. Words like hearth and yore, etc.
The most glaring issue overall though, is run on sentences. Yes it's poetry, and no you don't need correct grammar and punctuation, but the style you're writing in is very nearly prose, so i would make sure your phrases make sense and don't trip over each other. Multiple times you have rolling dependent clauses. the style you're writing in requires it to be read like prose, so don't be afraid to use periods, and pull out the semicolon if necessary. Comprehension is the first most important thing in any writing. I can't react to what you're saying if I don't know what you're trying to say in the first place. Clarity clarity clarity. I know you know what you mean, but does the reader? (in my experience, this problem is fixed with fresh look editing, ie locking the poem away for a week or two before any editing). Try cutting every conjunction from your poems. Every single one. You might need to put some back in, but often you'll find that they serve no purpose.
"Use absolutely no word which does not contribute to the presentation"
For the first poem, you could strengthen the message by removing a lot of the following words: may, and, then, perhaps, maybe. which sounds better, "Order may make cowards lions, and chaos may make brave men cowards." -or- "Order turns cowards to lions, and chaos cowards of brave men." This is poetry, this is your opinion, this is your thought. Do not leave it open for interpretation, do not sissy foot. Be forceful with your words. Sometimes a short sentence is better than a long one. There is power in brevity, whimsy in drawn out elaborations. Which do you want your first poem to be? (my answer would be forceful 
and finally, one thing which i myself still have trouble with. Using borrowed phrases. ie, your use of lion for bravery. Whenever a phrase comes too easily, you're usually borrowing language. "within my core," "depths of sadness," are common phrases. try to avoid them.
also, Try to show rather than tell. The first stanza in your second poem does this well. It conveys relatable isolation in an experience you pointed out. The best way to convey emotion/mentality is through physical means.
useful links:
http://www.hamilton.edu/documents//nesbitt-johnston-writing-center/SDSPosters8.5x11.pdf
http://www.english.illinois.edu/maps/poets/m_r/pound/retrospect.htm
lastly, i'll leave you with this.
"Pay no attention to the criticism of men who have never themselves written a notable work"
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On December 17 2011 22:40 Fishgle wrote:kk! fair warning though, i'm not going to tell you what you did right, i'm going to tell you what i feel you can improve, so expect zero compliments. (also sorry if this took a while, GSL finals and all) mmk. I'll avoid subject matte for the most part, cept that i feel the first one has potential, and the second one is umm a very common topic, i guess. In terms of writing style, you fall into the trap of trying to sound poetic a couple times. Words like hearth and yore, etc. The most glaring issue overall though, is run on sentences. Yes it's poetry, and no you don't need correct grammar and punctuation, but the style you're writing in is very nearly prose, so i would make sure your phrases make sense and don't trip over each other. Multiple times you have rolling dependent clauses. the style you're writing in requires it to be read like prose, so don't be afraid to use periods, and pull out the semicolon if necessary. Comprehension is the first most important thing in any writing. I can't react to what you're saying if I don't know what you're trying to say in the first place. Clarity clarity clarity. I know you know what you mean, but does the reader? (in my experience, this problem is fixed with fresh look editing, ie locking the poem away for a week or two before any editing). Try cutting every conjunction from your poems. Every single one. You might need to put some back in, but often you'll find that they serve no purpose. "Use absolutely no word which does not contribute to the presentation" For the first poem, you could strengthen the message by removing a lot of the following words: may, and, then, perhaps, maybe. which sounds better, "Order may make cowards lions, and chaos may make brave men cowards." -or- "Order turns cowards to lions, and chaos cowards of brave men." This is poetry, this is your opinion, this is your thought. Do not leave it open for interpretation, do not sissy foot. Be forceful with your words. Sometimes a short sentence is better than a long one. There is power in brevity, whimsy in drawn out elaborations. Which do you want your first poem to be? (my answer would be forceful and finally, one thing which i myself still have trouble with. Using borrowed phrases. ie, your use of lion for bravery. Whenever a phrase comes too easily, you're usually borrowing language. "within my core," "depths of sadness," are common phrases. try to avoid them. also, Try to show rather than tell. The first stanza in your second poem does this well. It conveys relatable isolation in an experience you pointed out. The best way to convey emotion/mentality is through physical means. useful links: http://www.hamilton.edu/documents//nesbitt-johnston-writing-center/SDSPosters8.5x11.pdfhttp://www.english.illinois.edu/maps/poets/m_r/pound/retrospect.htmlastly, i'll leave you with this. "Pay no attention to the criticism of men who have never themselves written a notable work"
I see the chryselephantine cage spits forth another frothing adjutant,
Welcome O Pound.
Really sound advice over all, particularly the mention of borrowed phrases. Less so the call to 'pay no attention to the criticism of men who have never themselves written a notable work'. Perhaps something is lost in the quoting of this advice as advice.
I would like to read more of your work Steemd, lay it on thick my friend. Here you have an open mind and ear.
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Poetry is always good!
I sometimes not even understand what it means, but I feel it like a song, and I know its beautiful.
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I deeply enjoyed reading "The Measure of a Man." Especially "Order may make cowards lions, and chaos may make brave men cowards."
Great stuff man, and great feedback from Fishgle, I very much agree with the "show instead of tell" bit of it, I remember my college teachers heaping that on quite a bit.
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the measure of the man
lie beneath his pants
with a flex it stands
understand?
;p
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On December 17 2011 22:40 Fishgle wrote:kk! fair warning though, i'm not going to tell you what you did right, i'm going to tell you what i feel you can improve, so expect zero compliments. (also sorry if this took a while, GSL finals and all) mmk. I'll avoid subject matte for the most part, cept that i feel the first one has potential, and the second one is umm a very common topic, i guess. In terms of writing style, you fall into the trap of trying to sound poetic a couple times. Words like hearth and yore, etc. The most glaring issue overall though, is run on sentences. Yes it's poetry, and no you don't need correct grammar and punctuation, but the style you're writing in is very nearly prose, so i would make sure your phrases make sense and don't trip over each other. Multiple times you have rolling dependent clauses. the style you're writing in requires it to be read like prose, so don't be afraid to use periods, and pull out the semicolon if necessary. Comprehension is the first most important thing in any writing. I can't react to what you're saying if I don't know what you're trying to say in the first place. Clarity clarity clarity. I know you know what you mean, but does the reader? (in my experience, this problem is fixed with fresh look editing, ie locking the poem away for a week or two before any editing). Try cutting every conjunction from your poems. Every single one. You might need to put some back in, but often you'll find that they serve no purpose. "Use absolutely no word which does not contribute to the presentation" For the first poem, you could strengthen the message by removing a lot of the following words: may, and, then, perhaps, maybe. which sounds better, "Order may make cowards lions, and chaos may make brave men cowards." -or- "Order turns cowards to lions, and chaos cowards of brave men." This is poetry, this is your opinion, this is your thought. Do not leave it open for interpretation, do not sissy foot. Be forceful with your words. Sometimes a short sentence is better than a long one. There is power in brevity, whimsy in drawn out elaborations. Which do you want your first poem to be? (my answer would be forceful and finally, one thing which i myself still have trouble with. Using borrowed phrases. ie, your use of lion for bravery. Whenever a phrase comes too easily, you're usually borrowing language. "within my core," "depths of sadness," are common phrases. try to avoid them. also, Try to show rather than tell. The first stanza in your second poem does this well. It conveys relatable isolation in an experience you pointed out. The best way to convey emotion/mentality is through physical means. useful links: http://www.hamilton.edu/documents//nesbitt-johnston-writing-center/SDSPosters8.5x11.pdfhttp://www.english.illinois.edu/maps/poets/m_r/pound/retrospect.htmlastly, i'll leave you with this. "Pay no attention to the criticism of men who have never themselves written a notable work"
Thanks! I've been doing a lit course for the past two years so I thought I'd try my hand. This is a lot of good advice, and thanks for the links as well.
And I agree with the above poster, the last quote has nothing to do in that awesomely written critism :D
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EPT
