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Recently, my mom has come under the impression that my boyfriend is a failure because he doesn't pay for everything.
My boyfriend and I typically agree to split the costs for food. But my mom thinks this is completely unchivalrous. My mom had an easy ass life -- my dad paid pretty much for everything (and still does blah).
I personally hate the idea of the man having to carry the weight of the relationship and provide for the woman. I didn't go through higher education for the purpose of getting a job to get married and become a dead weight.
I definitely don't want to disappoint my dad and become a lazy fuck who just marries someone for money. My dad busted his ass to get an education, work for years and eventually achieve the dream of owning his own business.
You don't achieve that kind of success by having everything handed to you on a silver platter.
NO GOLD DIGGING FOR ME. SUP.
/rant
How do you feel about splitting costs in a relationship?
EDIT: a few people have been asking, so here's some more info about me and my bf.
I'm Chinese, born in the US though. 3rd generation ABC. Aww yehh.
I'm 21, my bf is 28. Met him while working. :'D
He does pay for all his expenses himself (car, rent, bills, etc.) and I pay my own way for that crap too.
My mom is just annoyed that he doesn't pay for meals and treat me out to things.
 
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Korea (South)11575 Posts
I once was super cheap on one date and went out to breakfast with a girl where we went to a hotel 20 minutes away that served complimentary breakfast (free food obv.)
relationship didn't last long.
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God i wish all women were like you. Doesnt matter how you look, you get a 10/10 just for being a woman who doesnt focus on money.
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First dates are always a given, 50/50. Any other time I think it's alright in a relationship to pay for the other and what-not but not to the extent where the woman feels like she's being "bought". I'd also make an honest effort to ask if she could do the same for me. Spliting costs in a relationship should be mutual.
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How you handle this is between the two of you, it's not your mom's business (unless it's costing her money!)
If I were seeing a woman who felt strongly about this, though, I might suggest taking turns paying, just because to me I'd feel more comfortable with someone who permitted me to be generous once in a while without making me feel weird about it.
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Wow our moms think alike! Seriously. When I had a boyfriend she was appalled that we took turns on paying for things or split the bill. She also thought it was terrible that I sometimes visited his house because "you should let the boy come visit you" yeah idek. She once witnessed me holding the door open for my boyfriend. Don't get me started on the talking to I got after that lol >.>
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On November 24 2011 17:28 SarR wrote:
God i wish all women were like you. Doesnt matter how you look, you get a 10/10 just for being a woman who doesnt focus on money.
I like money when it's my own, not other peoples'. :p
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Depends on the couple but should be mutually agreed upon. I definitely think 50/50 is the way to go, personally. If it's supposed to be an equal relationship it should be equal in all respects, not equal except when tradition benefits the woman (tradition where it benefits the man have mostly died out due to woman's rights movements, etc.)
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Your mothers make me lose faith in humanity.
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The man paying the check is just old fashioned, not gold digging. No reason to bag on your mom.
I've met some girls who are okay with it, some who are not; likewise I always try to pick up the tab just in case she's the former and if she is the latter she will (should) tell me.
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On November 24 2011 17:33 Ruffian wrote:
Wow our moms think alike! Seriously. When I had a boyfriend she was appalled that we took turns on paying for things or split the bill. She also thought it was terrible that I sometimes visited his house because "you should let the boy come visit you" yeah idek. She once witnessed me holding the door open for my boyfriend. Don't get me started on the talking to I got after that lol >.>
Hahaha. I'm not alone!!
): How do you deal with that?
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On November 24 2011 17:34 kierpanda wrote:Show nested quote +On November 24 2011 17:28 SarR wrote:
God i wish all women were like you. Doesnt matter how you look, you get a 10/10 just for being a woman who doesnt focus on money. I like money when it's my own, not other peoples'. :p
I wish women over were thinking the way you do. Women here think just like your mom, they come into this world with the idea that they are owed a living by men.
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I thought you were actually going to tell us her advice on how to be a gold digger. Maybe there were some super evil gold digging secrets.
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My gf doesnt like me paying for her anytime, she usually offers to pay for me, but i always try to pay her way
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Korea (South)17174 Posts
I personally hate the idea of the man having to carry the weight of the relationship and provide for the woman. I didn't go through higher education for the purpose of getting a job to get married and become a dead weight.
Then don't get pregnant too often.
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Ask your mom if she thinks you'll stop working after you have your first child ... I don't care about costs, I'd probably pay for a while, split after it's gone stable. But no way in hell I'd allow/encourage my wife/girlfriend to not get a job. I find the idea of a woman just staying home to care for the kids is a bit ridiculous. The more she makes above me the better.
But I hate any idea of relationship so for the time being there's a low risk of having to deal with that, maybe later, in my 40s.
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Gold digger is such a cool word though ..
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On November 24 2011 17:35 Gamegene wrote:
The man paying the check is just old fashioned, not gold digging. No reason to bag on your mom.
I've met some girls who are okay with it, some who are not; likewise I always try to pick up the tab just in case she's the former and if she is the latter she will (should) tell me.
I understand that the concept is old fashioned, but, it is pretty dated now.
Women make money too now -- why can't we spoil our dates? :p
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On November 24 2011 17:36 kierpanda wrote:Show nested quote +On November 24 2011 17:33 Ruffian wrote:
Wow our moms think alike! Seriously. When I had a boyfriend she was appalled that we took turns on paying for things or split the bill. She also thought it was terrible that I sometimes visited his house because "you should let the boy come visit you" yeah idek. She once witnessed me holding the door open for my boyfriend. Don't get me started on the talking to I got after that lol >.> Hahaha. I'm not alone!! ): How do you deal with that?
Yes! And the sad part is there are probably a lot of moms who think this way >: (
Basically I told her this is the 21st century. That I would like to be treated as an equal and not have to depend on someone to "take care of me." We totally disagreed and still do today but she never tried to punish me or anything. She was just all "well I guess I'm old fashioned hmph hmph." I guess there's nothing you can do but try and ignore it :/
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My girlfriend has the same mindset as you 
She won't let me pay completely everytime...when I gave her expensive gifts, she scolded me for it T_T
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On November 24 2011 17:36 kierpanda wrote:Show nested quote +On November 24 2011 17:33 Ruffian wrote:
Wow our moms think alike! Seriously. When I had a boyfriend she was appalled that we took turns on paying for things or split the bill. She also thought it was terrible that I sometimes visited his house because "you should let the boy come visit you" yeah idek. She once witnessed me holding the door open for my boyfriend. Don't get me started on the talking to I got after that lol >.> Hahaha. I'm not alone!! ): How do you deal with that?
Welp, you just have to say flat out you are an adult and make your own decisions that she should respect. Walk away/hang up if she refuses to stop talking about it. At this point she already knows about it, but try not to let her get involved in your personal lifestyle choices in the future (especially ones you know she will disagree with). It's your own business what you decide.
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I didn't know that was outdated. I've been wasting money T_T
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On November 24 2011 17:37 igotmyown wrote:
I thought you were actually going to tell us her advice on how to be a gold digger. Maybe there were some super evil gold digging secrets.
Be from Taiwan or HK?
Just kidding! :'D
But that's typically the stereotype, unfortunately. :\ My older brother dated a Taiwanese girl. Damn, that girl was spoiled. My brother bought her an expensive Tiffany's necklace a few months after they were dating.
My brother is also a moron/tool.
So....
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On November 24 2011 17:40 kierpanda wrote:Show nested quote +On November 24 2011 17:35 Gamegene wrote:
The man paying the check is just old fashioned, not gold digging. No reason to bag on your mom.
I've met some girls who are okay with it, some who are not; likewise I always try to pick up the tab just in case she's the former and if she is the latter she will (should) tell me. I understand that the concept is old fashioned, but, it is pretty dated now. Women make money too now -- why can't we spoil our dates? :p
same reason why most men wear suits and most women wear dresses.
maybe not you, but i think that most young people get a little too offended and over think simple gestures.
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On November 24 2011 17:42 kierpanda wrote:Show nested quote +On November 24 2011 17:37 igotmyown wrote:
I thought you were actually going to tell us her advice on how to be a gold digger. Maybe there were some super evil gold digging secrets. Be from Taiwan or HK? Just kidding! :'D But that's typically the stereotype, unfortunately. :\ My older brother dated a Taiwanese girl. Damn, that girl was spoiled. My brother bought her an expensive Tiffany's necklace a few months after they were dating. My brother is also a moron/tool. So....
I think there's some truth to that stereotype. My girlfriends from Hong Kong and while she isn't a gold digger, f*&# me her sister is. Talking about using your body for money. Very dated concept imo.
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On November 24 2011 17:40 Black[CAT] wrote:My girlfriend has the same mindset as you She won't let me pay completely everytime...when I gave her expensive gifts, she scolded me for it T_T
Yeah my gf is completely like that too.
She even pays for my meals more often than I pay for hers TT
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I thought it would be, if you get a gift, and it's below a certain value, do this disappointed look that we're practicing.
What if they're a bad tipper but they spend money? positive or negative gold digger points?
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On November 24 2011 17:40 Ruffian wrote:Show nested quote +On November 24 2011 17:36 kierpanda wrote:On November 24 2011 17:33 Ruffian wrote:
Wow our moms think alike! Seriously. When I had a boyfriend she was appalled that we took turns on paying for things or split the bill. She also thought it was terrible that I sometimes visited his house because "you should let the boy come visit you" yeah idek. She once witnessed me holding the door open for my boyfriend. Don't get me started on the talking to I got after that lol >.> Hahaha. I'm not alone!! ): How do you deal with that? Yes! And the sad part is there are probably a lot of moms who think this way >: ( Basically I told her this is the 21st century. That I would like to be treated as an equal and not have to depend on someone to "take care of me." We totally disagreed and still do today but she never tried to punish me or anything. She was just all "well I guess I'm old fashioned hmph hmph." I guess there's nothing you can do but try and ignore it :/
Yeah, there's a lot of moms who think this way. I guess it could be worse... Tiger moms, anyone?
I think my mom hasn't understood the concept that I make money now and I don't have to depend on someone for money. Blaahhh.
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On November 24 2011 17:46 Ludrik wrote:Show nested quote +On November 24 2011 17:42 kierpanda wrote:On November 24 2011 17:37 igotmyown wrote:
I thought you were actually going to tell us her advice on how to be a gold digger. Maybe there were some super evil gold digging secrets. Be from Taiwan or HK? Just kidding! :'D But that's typically the stereotype, unfortunately. :\ My older brother dated a Taiwanese girl. Damn, that girl was spoiled. My brother bought her an expensive Tiffany's necklace a few months after they were dating. My brother is also a moron/tool. So.... I think there's some truth to that stereotype. My girlfriends from Hong Kong and while she isn't a gold digger, f*&# me her sister is. Talking about using your body for money. Very dated concept imo.
I went to school with a few girls from HK -- all they do is show off their newest designer bag or boots or whatever. My facebook newsfeed used to be cluttered with this former classmate's pictures of her new Tiffany jewelry and Juicy Couture clothes.
I know not all girls are like that, but the ones who are ... yuck.
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On November 24 2011 17:32 zZygote wrote:
First dates are always a given, 50/50. Any other time I think it's alright in a relationship to pay for the other and what-not but not to the extent where the woman feels like she's being "bought". I'd also make an honest effort to ask if she could do the same for me. Spliting costs in a relationship should be mutual.
You go 50/50 on first date? That's the one time I feel I'm almost obligated to pay. It almost establishes it as a date so to speak. But I'd agree in general as a relationship progresses further the less realistic it is to expect the guy to pay for everything, shits expensive!
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Money = Security = Woman's Love ..
Women love security ..
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Korea (South)17174 Posts
On November 24 2011 17:54 kierpanda wrote:Show nested quote +On November 24 2011 17:46 Ludrik wrote:On November 24 2011 17:42 kierpanda wrote:On November 24 2011 17:37 igotmyown wrote:
I thought you were actually going to tell us her advice on how to be a gold digger. Maybe there were some super evil gold digging secrets. Be from Taiwan or HK? Just kidding! :'D But that's typically the stereotype, unfortunately. :\ My older brother dated a Taiwanese girl. Damn, that girl was spoiled. My brother bought her an expensive Tiffany's necklace a few months after they were dating. My brother is also a moron/tool. So.... I think there's some truth to that stereotype. My girlfriends from Hong Kong and while she isn't a gold digger, f*&# me her sister is. Talking about using your body for money. Very dated concept imo. I went to school with a few girls from HK -- all they do is show off their newest designer bag or boots or whatever. My facebook newsfeed used to be cluttered with this former classmate's pictures of her new Tiffany jewelry and Juicy Couture clothes. I know not all girls are like that, but the ones who are ... yuck.
judging these girls off that makes you yuck, not them
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My take on this.
If it's still early on the relationship pls for the love of god don't let us pay for everything.
1) We might think you are gold diggers/cheap fucks.
2) We might just not have enough money and you put us in an awkward position.
But if your man has enough money and wants to do this let him pay, cause that makes us feel great.
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On November 24 2011 17:55 Rekrul wrote:Show nested quote +On November 24 2011 17:54 kierpanda wrote:On November 24 2011 17:46 Ludrik wrote:On November 24 2011 17:42 kierpanda wrote:On November 24 2011 17:37 igotmyown wrote:
I thought you were actually going to tell us her advice on how to be a gold digger. Maybe there were some super evil gold digging secrets. Be from Taiwan or HK? Just kidding! :'D But that's typically the stereotype, unfortunately. :\ My older brother dated a Taiwanese girl. Damn, that girl was spoiled. My brother bought her an expensive Tiffany's necklace a few months after they were dating. My brother is also a moron/tool. So.... I think there's some truth to that stereotype. My girlfriends from Hong Kong and while she isn't a gold digger, f*&# me her sister is. Talking about using your body for money. Very dated concept imo. I went to school with a few girls from HK -- all they do is show off their newest designer bag or boots or whatever. My facebook newsfeed used to be cluttered with this former classmate's pictures of her new Tiffany jewelry and Juicy Couture clothes. I know not all girls are like that, but the ones who are ... yuck. judging these girls off that makes you yuck, not them
Ya, its bad to judge. WhoresKim K wannabes gotta eat too.
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On November 24 2011 17:55 Rekrul wrote:Show nested quote +On November 24 2011 17:54 kierpanda wrote:On November 24 2011 17:46 Ludrik wrote:On November 24 2011 17:42 kierpanda wrote:On November 24 2011 17:37 igotmyown wrote:
I thought you were actually going to tell us her advice on how to be a gold digger. Maybe there were some super evil gold digging secrets. Be from Taiwan or HK? Just kidding! :'D But that's typically the stereotype, unfortunately. :\ My older brother dated a Taiwanese girl. Damn, that girl was spoiled. My brother bought her an expensive Tiffany's necklace a few months after they were dating. My brother is also a moron/tool. So.... I think there's some truth to that stereotype. My girlfriends from Hong Kong and while she isn't a gold digger, f*&# me her sister is. Talking about using your body for money. Very dated concept imo. I went to school with a few girls from HK -- all they do is show off their newest designer bag or boots or whatever. My facebook newsfeed used to be cluttered with this former classmate's pictures of her new Tiffany jewelry and Juicy Couture clothes. I know not all girls are like that, but the ones who are ... yuck. judging these girls off that makes you yuck, not them
I have no qualms about that.
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On November 24 2011 17:59 SarR wrote:Show nested quote +On November 24 2011 17:55 Rekrul wrote:On November 24 2011 17:54 kierpanda wrote:On November 24 2011 17:46 Ludrik wrote:On November 24 2011 17:42 kierpanda wrote:On November 24 2011 17:37 igotmyown wrote:
I thought you were actually going to tell us her advice on how to be a gold digger. Maybe there were some super evil gold digging secrets. Be from Taiwan or HK? Just kidding! :'D But that's typically the stereotype, unfortunately. :\ My older brother dated a Taiwanese girl. Damn, that girl was spoiled. My brother bought her an expensive Tiffany's necklace a few months after they were dating. My brother is also a moron/tool. So.... I think there's some truth to that stereotype. My girlfriends from Hong Kong and while she isn't a gold digger, f*&# me her sister is. Talking about using your body for money. Very dated concept imo. I went to school with a few girls from HK -- all they do is show off their newest designer bag or boots or whatever. My facebook newsfeed used to be cluttered with this former classmate's pictures of her new Tiffany jewelry and Juicy Couture clothes. I know not all girls are like that, but the ones who are ... yuck. judging these girls off that makes you yuck, not them Ya, its bad to judge. WhoresKim K wannabes gotta eat too.
Smells like a blissful divorce then!
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Explain to your mom that financial independence means you don't have to take as much crap from your BF. There is a downside to gold digging, which is that the man you're dating gets to have a bigger say in your life... given that he's the one spending the money. Your mom, as well as many women, feel this trade off is worth it. Give up some independence for financial security. The concept of government work the same way. We give up some of our freedom in order to live a stable society. So you should understand where your mother's coming from.
OTOH, if you prefer a certain amount of independence from your boyfriend or future fiancee or husband, then financial freedom allows for that. If he's not paying for you, then he doesn't own you, or even a small part of you. If that's what you wish, then this allow you to live a happier life. In the end, neither side is totally correct. It just depends on the person. If it makes you feel better one way or the other, then that should be your path.
Don't explain from a "you're wrong, old-fashioned, and this is the new generation" standpoint. You can't win any argument that way. Explain it from a practical standpoint. As that's the position she's arguing from. Tell her you can gain something tangible by footing 50% of the bills, by being equal with your partner in all aspect of life. If you can make her understand that you're not willing to make the sacrifice necessary to be a gold digger, I think she'll understand.
As a guy my mom always tell me I need to act more like a gentleman in front of woman. That I always need to pay, be chivalrous and everything. So I actually don't mind such a relationship. However, even if it's just on a subconscious level, I always feel I need to get a "return on my invest" when I do such things. After all, there is no free lunch in the world.
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On November 24 2011 17:33 Ruffian wrote:
Wow our moms think alike! Seriously. When I had a boyfriend she was appalled that we took turns on paying for things or split the bill. She also thought it was terrible that I sometimes visited his house because "you should let the boy come visit you" yeah idek. She once witnessed me holding the door open for my boyfriend. Don't get me started on the talking to I got after that lol >.>
Hey! Maybe my girlfriend is your sister because this is how her mom thinks 100%. Are you Chinese by any chance? It seems to be a quite traditional mentality.
On November 24 2011 17:47 thesideshow wrote:Show nested quote +On November 24 2011 17:40 Black[CAT] wrote:My girlfriend has the same mindset as you She won't let me pay completely everytime...when I gave her expensive gifts, she scolded me for it T_T Yeah my gf is completely like that too. She even pays for my meals more often than I pay for hers TT
I feel blessed for my gf, she's like this too. Both of us being students, shed rather I save fir the future rather than splurge my meager paycheck on her, but agreed taking gifts when were financially stable and working would be fine. Of course the "bigger" dates of the year we have no problems having an expensive meal or buying nice presents. It's a good comortable balance for the both of us. I know girls who go through new boyfriends every 3 months and are in it for money and gifts only. I feel sorry for the guys it they were looking for a long term deal.
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On November 24 2011 18:14 j0k3r wrote:Show nested quote +On November 24 2011 17:33 Ruffian wrote:
Wow our moms think alike! Seriously. When I had a boyfriend she was appalled that we took turns on paying for things or split the bill. She also thought it was terrible that I sometimes visited his house because "you should let the boy come visit you" yeah idek. She once witnessed me holding the door open for my boyfriend. Don't get me started on the talking to I got after that lol >.> Hey! Maybe my girlfriend is your sister because this is how her mom thinks 100%. Are you Chinese by any chance? It seems to be a quite traditional mentality.
Yep. 3rd generation American born Chinese. I am white-washed. hahah.
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United States7639 Posts
My mom... would be appalled at the idea of me even having a boyfriend before I'm like, 30. So we've never had these kinds of talks.
I used to just buy everything myself; only thing boyfriend ever bought me was my birthday present. If we ate, I'd pay for my own thing. It wasn't a 50/50 split though (too much math required omg). My best friend though... I don't want to rag on her or anything, but she made her boyfriends (quite a few throughout the years) pay for her everything. They'd buy her lunch everyday, shower her with gifts, etc. One time we got caught J-walking and were fined 150 each, and her boyfriend rushed up and offered to pay the police officer right there for her. I was just kind of like... poor guys :|
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Chinese in general are pretty materialistic...
Money 1st, then all is well. I'm Chinese so I see these shit a lot in life....
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If a girl has a bf who pays for everything, doesn't mean she's gold-digging. If I have a son, I'm going to teach him this - it makes him more like a man. Your mum is only looking out for you.
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On November 24 2011 18:25 Azzur wrote:
If a girl has a bf who pays for everything, doesn't mean she's gold-digging. If I have a son, I'm going to teach him this - it makes him more like a man. Your mum is only looking out for you.
Yes, you're right, it doesn't mean it's gold digging if the guy offers to pay all the time. However, if a girl expects a guy to constantly pay for things, then I believe that can be considered as gold digging.
My mom expects my boyfriend to pay for everything for me. So she's basically doing the gold digging for me.
I don't expect my boyfriend to pay for anything. If he wants to pay for something, awesome! But I'll be sure to pay for the next thing, because that's how I roll.
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On November 24 2011 18:16 kierpanda wrote:Show nested quote +On November 24 2011 18:14 j0k3r wrote:On November 24 2011 17:33 Ruffian wrote:
Wow our moms think alike! Seriously. When I had a boyfriend she was appalled that we took turns on paying for things or split the bill. She also thought it was terrible that I sometimes visited his house because "you should let the boy come visit you" yeah idek. She once witnessed me holding the door open for my boyfriend. Don't get me started on the talking to I got after that lol >.> Hey! Maybe my girlfriend is your sister because this is how her mom thinks 100%. Are you Chinese by any chance? It seems to be a quite traditional mentality. Yep. 3rd generation American born Chinese. I am white-washed. hahah.
Ah, it's good your mother isn't stopping you though, that's what's important anyway. Sometimes I wish my girlfriends parents were second gen. Chinese American or perhaps white. The only beef I have is them not letting her sleepover my place. They go to long lengths to protect her chastity. I can sleepover their home in a guest room, but hell would need to freeze over before she could get permission to stay at my place. Marriage is the only way that's gonna happen. Her white friends however, can do whatever the hell they wish 
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Really, life is sorta give and take in terms of luck with money. I remember a time when my fiancée and I had to rely on the other more than we were comfortable, but that's just how life is.
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if you look good you should take advantage of that
if not you are going to have to work lol
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On November 24 2011 18:21 Black[CAT] wrote:
Chinese in general are pretty materialistic...
Money 1st, then all is well. I'm Chinese so I see these shit a lot in life....
As someone who has lived in US and China, I don't even know how to respond to this. I guess you must be right. We all know that the global financial crisis happened because of the materialism of Chinese people. That China must have a huge trade deficit because its people can't stop spending and maxing out their credit cards. That Chinese people can't possibly save a greater percentage of their income than any other major country. That the Chinese government must run a huge deficit because they're so materialistic they can't prevent themselves from spending recklessly to fight wars and establish bases around the world.
Yes, Chinese as a race must be the most materialistic people in the world. I can't think of another nation that likes materialistic things. There may be one... but I just can't put my finger on it.... No, I think you are right. There can't possibly be a nation of people who care more about money and material wealth than Chinese.
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On November 24 2011 18:54 baubo wrote:Show nested quote +On November 24 2011 18:21 Black[CAT] wrote:
Chinese in general are pretty materialistic...
Money 1st, then all is well. I'm Chinese so I see these shit a lot in life.... As someone who has lived in US and China, I don't even know how to respond to this. I guess you must be right. We all know that the global financial crisis happened because of the materialism of Chinese people. That China must have a huge trade deficit because its people can't stop spending and maxing out their credit cards. That Chinese people can't possibly save a greater percentage of their income than any other major country. That the Chinese government must run a huge deficit because they're so materialistic they can't prevent themselves from spending recklessly to fight wars and establish bases around the world. Yes, Chinese as a race must be the most materialistic people in the world. I can't think of another nation that likes materialistic things. There may be one... but I just can't put my finger on it.... No, I think you are right. There can't possibly be a nation of people who care more about money and material wealth than Chinese.
This is a pretty poor attempt at sarcasm. Chinese people are extremely materialistic as a culture, much more than that other country you "can't put a finger on". Just because other nations actually have more stuff doesn't mean they're more materialistic, it just means they have more stuff to begin with.
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As a guy, I tend to offer to pay, but quite often girls prefer to split 50/50. Which I'm cool with.
Your mom's view is a little old-fashioned. It's not that splitting the bill is un-chivalrous, it's just being responsible and stuff.
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An important part of any relationship is sharing responsibilty. If one truly does love one another, then you will provide for your counterpart. If your mom is encouraging you to 'gold dig' then she does not wish well for you, atleast when it comes to relationships. It is understandable that she is trying to pass on what worked for her, but from what you have told us, she seems too shallow to be able to reflect upon 'gold digging' and see how it harms the relationship.
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Ihve had a few short relationships in which I never felt bad about providing for her, money just isn't a big deal to me I guess..
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As a man, I enjoy the opportunity to show off the extravagant inherited wealth that is my good education. Then I pay for the date so as to show off the extravagance that is my six-figure salary.
Edit: Just asked my mom her opinion on this and she would like me to be a gold-digger as well. Where be those money honeys?
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I like to pay for dates when I can but I like it one thousand times more if my girl takes me out on a date. Tis rare though, I think in my last relationship which lasted for 2 years I was taken out by her maybe 4 times. The rest of the time I usually paid for everything.
edit: Also fuck those moms. Women want equal rights then they get equal responsibilities this ain't the 50's
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For me splitting costs equally is a must. And buying things that are only useful to your significant other (except on occasions of course) is a big nono. I think that women who can't handle such policies have self respect issues, so good on you OP.
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Want to commend the poster. Your mother isn't giving you great advice, especially with the way things have changed in the USA. Being able to take care of yourself is rather important.
One side point. The Codes of Chivalry existed for 1 purpose: to prevent the large groups of armed men from raping & pillaging the populace. So, unless your mother wants to start bowing to powerful men and calling them "my liege", you might suggest she rethink that concept. (It's the same reason Police & Military are valued in society but have massive constraints placed upon them. It was just the 1200s version of it.)
As for paying for dates, always split it. This isn't the 1920s; there's no reason for the guy to foot the entire bill. It'll pretty much never get you anything, anyway. (Exception is if you want to go somewhere very specific that she isn't so keen on, then you get points for being adventurous)
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On November 24 2011 18:00 kierpanda wrote:Show nested quote +On November 24 2011 17:55 Rekrul wrote:On November 24 2011 17:54 kierpanda wrote:On November 24 2011 17:46 Ludrik wrote:On November 24 2011 17:42 kierpanda wrote:On November 24 2011 17:37 igotmyown wrote:
I thought you were actually going to tell us her advice on how to be a gold digger. Maybe there were some super evil gold digging secrets. Be from Taiwan or HK? Just kidding! :'D But that's typically the stereotype, unfortunately. :\ My older brother dated a Taiwanese girl. Damn, that girl was spoiled. My brother bought her an expensive Tiffany's necklace a few months after they were dating. My brother is also a moron/tool. So.... I think there's some truth to that stereotype. My girlfriends from Hong Kong and while she isn't a gold digger, f*&# me her sister is. Talking about using your body for money. Very dated concept imo. I went to school with a few girls from HK -- all they do is show off their newest designer bag or boots or whatever. My facebook newsfeed used to be cluttered with this former classmate's pictures of her new Tiffany jewelry and Juicy Couture clothes. I know not all girls are like that, but the ones who are ... yuck. judging these girls off that makes you yuck, not them I have no qualms about that.
This may be the first thing I've seen from Rekrul that I seriously disagree with.
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As soon as your dad kicks your mom to the curb to replace her with an upgraded gold digger model (type twenty-something, with firm and perky accessories) she is in line for a hardcore reality check ^_^.
I admire your choices. A women who expects to be paid for is nothing but a long-term hooker.
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Just a side question,how old are you and your boyfriend?
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I always try to stay away from girls with gold digging tendencies. Luckily I have not stumble across that many so far. I guess they dont hunt at the places where I hang out.
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To those girls in this thread who feel it's important to split costs and pull your own weight so to speak in a relationship, I applaud you. The first couple of girls I dated when I got into my 20s and started being more independent had the traditional mindset that the onus was always on me to do everything. I had to move the relationship forward, pay for everything, etc. and in addition to keeping me broke it was also ultimately just a really soul-sucking experience to be with someone who it felt like never put any effort in and made the relationship all about what she could get out of it. The dumb thing was that I didn't even consciously realize it because I thought that was how things were supposed to work. After all, it was what my mom had taught me. I need to step up and be the man and learn how to provide and all that. Back at the beginning of 2010 though I got into a relationship (after being single for a couple years) with another girl who nearly always insisted on going 50/50 and would often make these really nice gestures like showing up at my work to visit or randomly cooking me dinner. I can't express enough how much happier it made me to be involved in a relationship where there was some reciprocity going on. Ultimately we broke up but unlike some of my earlier relationships, I don't regret it. A lot of it was time well spent.
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On November 24 2011 18:25 Azzur wrote:
If a girl has a bf who pays for everything, doesn't mean she's gold-digging. If I have a son, I'm going to teach him this - it makes him more like a man. Your mum is only looking out for you.
Whew, thank god you chimed in. I pay for everything 99% of the time. It has driven past girlfriends crazy, but with the exceptions of her initiating the date or my birthday/special occasion, I pay.
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This sounds like a pretty insignificant thing to get upset about. Why do you care so much about what your mother thinks? You should not.
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/love. more girls need to be like yourself
speaking of which; my gf actually pays for food and stuff more than I do, mostly because she has a job right now and I don't .
On a side note I hate girls that just expect chivalry for some reason. Example: I always hold the door open for girls at university whenever I can, it's not unreasonable for me to expect a "thanks" right? But so many girls just give me some withering contemptuous look and walk on through, like WTFBBQ?
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On November 24 2011 20:21 Sokalo wrote:Show nested quote +On November 24 2011 18:00 kierpanda wrote:On November 24 2011 17:55 Rekrul wrote:On November 24 2011 17:54 kierpanda wrote:On November 24 2011 17:46 Ludrik wrote:On November 24 2011 17:42 kierpanda wrote:On November 24 2011 17:37 igotmyown wrote:
I thought you were actually going to tell us her advice on how to be a gold digger. Maybe there were some super evil gold digging secrets. Be from Taiwan or HK? Just kidding! :'D But that's typically the stereotype, unfortunately. :\ My older brother dated a Taiwanese girl. Damn, that girl was spoiled. My brother bought her an expensive Tiffany's necklace a few months after they were dating. My brother is also a moron/tool. So.... I think there's some truth to that stereotype. My girlfriends from Hong Kong and while she isn't a gold digger, f*&# me her sister is. Talking about using your body for money. Very dated concept imo. I went to school with a few girls from HK -- all they do is show off their newest designer bag or boots or whatever. My facebook newsfeed used to be cluttered with this former classmate's pictures of her new Tiffany jewelry and Juicy Couture clothes. I know not all girls are like that, but the ones who are ... yuck. judging these girls off that makes you yuck, not them I have no qualms about that. This may be the first thing I've seen from Rekrul that I seriously disagree with.
Yeah, judging people based on their appearances is completely wrong!
Right?
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On November 24 2011 17:35 SarR wrote:
Your mothers make me lose faith in humanity.
Tell me about it. These bitches need to understand that gender equality cuts both ways. Stay-at-home moms are just lazy. Their lifestyle is analogous to a stereotypical 30-yo fat dude living in their parents' basement. They just mooch of other people. But I guess that's fine as long as they accept themselves for what they are and don't try to justify themselves with some half-assed family values bullshit. They are unproductive parts of society just like all unemployed people whether they are that willingly or unwillingly.
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Girls being able to take care of themselves (or rather wanting to take care of themselves) is a good thing. It annoys me when girls keep preaching equality everywhere, but conveniantly forget all about it when it benefits them, such as trying to get free meals and stuff. I'm all for equality but I mean actual equality.
On the first couple of dates, I do reach for the whole bill. If she just sits there and smiles, that's a pretty big turnoff. At least make the effort to reach for it too or offer to pay for your half. I'll probably decline the offer but it's the thought that counts.
If she just assumes I'm going to pay every time, that sucks for 2 reasons. One is that she's a golddigger and somehow thinks I owe her for her gracing me with her presence. I have more self respect than that. Two is that I can never surprise her or make her feel special by covering the whole thing. That takes away some opportunities. If the relationship works out and we wind up married, she's going to be paying for half of everything anyway because we'll be a team.
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Two questions (hopefully you debunk these myths):
1) Is your mom Asian or Jewish?
2) Do you live around the OC, or a place close by?
Those are the two things that popped into my head as soon as I started reading your blog. O;
So, apparently HK. I <3 Hong Kong because everything is so cheap there. Too many knock-offs for my taste though. Yet we're talking about gold digging ha, ha, ha.
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On November 24 2011 22:07 d00p wrote:Show nested quote +On November 24 2011 17:35 SarR wrote:
Your mothers make me lose faith in humanity. Tell me about it. These bitches need to understand that gender equality cuts both ways. Stay-at-home moms are just lazy. Their lifestyle is analogous to a stereotypical 30-yo fat dude living in their parents' basement. They just mooch of other people. But I guess that's fine as long as they accept themselves for what they are and don't try to justify themselves with some half-assed family values bullshit. They are unproductive parts of society just like all unemployed people whether they are that willingly or unwillingly.
While I kind of agree with the sentiment of the OP, this quoted post is kind of extreme and a totally different point I think. Because whether you agree/disagree with the concept of "Stay at home parents" the above argument is pretty bad. Primarily because they are being supported by their spouse NOT society as a whole as opposed to most unemployed members of society. Furthermore the general theory of course being that raising children is an important contribution to society. The efficiency of that particular method of childrearing is a matter of opinion but that post is 10 kinds of stupid.
On topic, I like to pay for dates/meals and never felt like the girl "owed" me for it. Done it lots of times with friends that weren't even "dates". It kind of just depends. If its my idea or I invited her I will def pay. Also I don't mind paying for friends, both male/female, that I know couldn't afford the meal/activity otherwise. I will also say that I have never had a girl insist on paying for herself either in these circumstances.... I wouldn't make a fuss if she did though. I am kind of old fashioned by most peoples standards I guess. Not a fan of the whole "buying random gifts for her all the time and that's the only reason she's with me" thing obviously. Thats pretty much just stupid.
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Imo it's very simple. When both sides of the relationship have an equal income both sides should pay about equally. This can be by either splitting a bill or by paying in turn. When one of you has a higher income I think it's logical that one also pays more a s half. How much more depends on the difference in income.
Also please remind your mother that if they wanted the boy to keep paying for everything they shouldn't have fought for emancipation and equal rights (like you going to college and getting a job). If she really wants a boy to pay for everything please tell her she should stay in the kitchen 
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Is your boyfriend not paying everything because he doesn't want to, or is it because he can't?
In the first case, is it because he is a douche, or is it because he's a cheap person?
In the case of the latter, is it because he fails at life, or... fails at life?
You see, the real problem your mother wants to bring up is not that your boyfriend isn't "paying everything". It's that she's afraid you'll have to support him long term, should you two dive into lifelong commitment. I think the image your mother is getting is that your boyfriend will never find a decent enough job to pay his fair share of living. You see, in the traditional Asian style of relationship, men does pay everything... and it's not really your mother's fault for being stubborn with this idea, because this was the norm in her days. So, in her eyes, the boyfriend isn't paying everything because he fails at life and is incapable of providing for you should you fall into financial trouble. Splitting a meal here and there isn't a big cost unless you two eat out at a steakhouse every night or something. If the guy isn't paying the big costs like rent, insurance, gas, or stuff like that, AND he is of working age (in my opinion, 23+) then we actually have a problem here.
It's not about gold digging. I don't think your mother wants you to be a gold digger. I know you don't see yourself as a gold digger either. You'll either have to prove to your mother that your boyfriend is a responsible, diligent person that is capable of a respectable career, or you'll have to wait until you boyfriend arrives home with a legitimate paycheck to show off to your mother. I'm not a parent or anything, but I think what your mother ultimately expects is for both you and your boyfriend (future husband in your mother's eyes) to have respectable careers as dual-income household. Sorry for bringing marriage into this, but traditional Asian parents tend to think like 20 years down the line.
All this is probably meaningless if both of you are not in the twenties yet... but I'm sure this issue will be brought up many times in your future =P
*edit: 5/5 for your cool attitude and also good luck!
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I completely agree with you OP, I hate having people pay for me, and I make mental notes to pay them back when I am in such a situation. I don't mind paying for other people, so long as it is in moderation - I am a student and don't have my own money, so I think it is only fair to have this attitude. If I had a job and some money saved up, I'd have much less of a problem with being slightly stingy.
That said, I am fairly good with saving money. I don't go shopping often, and I don't really eat out much. I don't have a car, so I don't spend money on petrol and I live in a girls school hostel in the empty dormitory (so cheap rent). I don't have a phone contract, internet etc, so I live a relatively cheap life.
That said, I'm not dating anyone rich, and I never will for monetary reasons. I want to be independent and earn my own money, to live on my own expenses. I finish college this year (had literally no time for part time jobs) and will have to look for work next year, which will be quite a challenge given the country and industry I am trying to break into.
TL;DR Living off your own money is for people with a conscience.
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Oh man I would love to date a woman like u :DDDD
My ex-girlfriend wanted to split the cost a lot of the times but I knew that my financial situation was better so I gladly paid for all of it mostly.
I don't think girls should dutch pay with the guys every time but that doesnt mean girls shouldnt pay nothing always at all. so hmm about 65:35? 70:30?
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I let him pay in full sometimes and I will pay in full sometimes and other times we share. It works quite well, I feel.
My mom just flat-out doesn't think it's going to last and so gave up trying to tell me about chivalry.
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Atreides,
Stay-at-home moms is such an old tradition. Flashback to the 50's.
Must be your location because I know very few baby boomers who have households like that.
The stay-at-home mom's I knew were millionaires and everyone had housekeepers and cleaners. As a result, the mom's did a lot of side projects (one wrote Hallmark cards, another did party planning, etc).
*
Nice,
You pay for your friends and they show no resistance whatsoever (this can go in several directions, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt considering I don't know you or any of your friends). Heed, my warning though: you are easy pickings. There are people who will take advantage of you; a leech can spot you from a mile away. White on rice.
You sound younger than 20. I would be very surprised if your in college. Maybe it's an ethnic thing, or perhaps your world is very closed. I don't really know.
The motives for the working lady or empowered one is totally different. Whether it be a test of power, generosity or them trying to take control of the situation (women do like financial control) etc. There are many different scenarios. You will eventually come across a woman who will insist on paying. Perhaps all you date is gold diggers and you aren't even aware of it, in either case there are a lot of women out there who like to pay too. I mean A LOT. Sometimes I pay; sometimes I don't. Sometimes we split it right down the middle and you know what? I wouldn't have it any other way. Friendship and relationships are healthier that way in my mind at least.
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On November 24 2011 22:59 Atreides wrote:Show nested quote +On November 24 2011 22:07 d00p wrote:On November 24 2011 17:35 SarR wrote:
Your mothers make me lose faith in humanity. Tell me about it. These bitches need to understand that gender equality cuts both ways. Stay-at-home moms are just lazy. Their lifestyle is analogous to a stereotypical 30-yo fat dude living in their parents' basement. They just mooch of other people. But I guess that's fine as long as they accept themselves for what they are and don't try to justify themselves with some half-assed family values bullshit. They are unproductive parts of society just like all unemployed people whether they are that willingly or unwillingly. While I kind of agree with the sentiment of the OP, this quoted post is kind of extreme and a totally different point I think. Because whether you agree/disagree with the concept of "Stay at home parents" the above argument is pretty bad. Primarily because they are being supported by their spouse NOT society as a whole as opposed to most unemployed members of society. Furthermore the general theory of course being that raising children is an important contribution to society. The efficiency of that particular method of childrearing is a matter of opinion but that post is 10 kinds of stupid.
Ofc it's extreme. This is the internet. I don't understand why you think that expressing one's opinion in "a matter of opinion" is "10 kinds of stupid".
I was simply expressing how disgruntled I get when I hear shit like this. I was critisizing OP's mom and others like her for their stupid 50s attitudes. From the OP: "My mom had an easy ass life -- my dad paid pretty much for everything (and still does blah)." I was on topic imo. That's just not right if men and women are supposed to be equal.
Stay at home parents are definitely unfavourable from society's stand point. It's not really a matter of opinion. Raising children doesn't require you to stay at home. If raising children is a valuable contribution, then what about raising children AND working. Seems to work out just fine for most peolpe. And people who don't work do mooch of society a little bit if they don't pay taxes. Society does provide them a certain tax funded framework even if their spouses mostly support them. This probably applies better here in Europe.
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d00p,
As OpticalShot put it... it's more of a cultural thing more than anything else and I guess there are still many Asian households like this.
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United Kingdom20284 Posts
Its good and bad, too many girls want to be carried through everything with gifts thrown at them every day and obviously dont care about education etc, but at the same time, you cant exactly work to earn money as a mother
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On November 24 2011 17:32 zZygote wrote:
First dates are always a given, 50/50. Any other time I think it's alright in a relationship to pay for the other and what-not but not to the extent where the woman feels like she's being "bought". I'd also make an honest effort to ask if she could do the same for me. Spliting costs in a relationship should be mutual.
I would say that first date is always the guy paying for it, not 50/50. That's how it's been for me at least, i think most people would agree with me on that.
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On November 25 2011 01:05 GreEny K wrote:Show nested quote +On November 24 2011 17:32 zZygote wrote:
First dates are always a given, 50/50. Any other time I think it's alright in a relationship to pay for the other and what-not but not to the extent where the woman feels like she's being "bought". I'd also make an honest effort to ask if she could do the same for me. Spliting costs in a relationship should be mutual. I would say that first date is always the guy paying for it, not 50/50. That's how it's been for me at least, i think most people would agree with me on that.
It is chivalrous for the guy to pay on the first date, but I think going 50/50 is the best bet, as if you pay for the first date, it kinda sets the scene for any other following dates. Unless otherwise agreed on. If you pay for the first date, and ask for a second date, she may expect you to pay for it too. I think after the initial date it is okay to start paying for each other so long as you keep the ratio roughly even.
Thats just my outlook on it though.
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Women are supposed to have equal rights to men, and atleast here they do. But nowadays its even more than that. Women with the mindset of 'men having to do' what they are not willing to, are just wrong. And men that fall into that trap are fools. I dont mean men who are happy paying everything if they want. I mean those guys who feel obligated to pay, just because the woman expects him to, which is totally 19th century.
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Calgary25977 Posts
If she offers sometimes, I have no problems paying the majority of the time.
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On November 24 2011 22:07 d00p wrote:
These bitches need to understand that gender equality cuts both ways. Stay-at-home moms are just lazy. Their lifestyle is analogous to a stereotypical 30-yo fat dude living in their parents' basement. They just mooch of other people. But I guess that's fine as long as they accept themselves for what they are and don't try to justify themselves with some half-assed family values bullshit. They are unproductive parts of society just like all unemployed people whether they are that willingly or unwillingly.
One of the dumbest blanket statement posts I've seen outside LR in a while. Bitches? Cooking, cleaning and raising kids is hard and largely thankless work. Half-assed family values bullshit? Having one parent at home during a kid's formative years is hugely beneficial if the finances allow for it. There's also a bunch of stay-at-home mums that will pick up part time work on the side, on top of household chores. Mine quit her teaching job to raise my brothers and I as my parents agreed that it would be better to have one of them at home while we were growing up. I know several stay-at-home dads as well, it's not about gender equality, it's just a lifestyle decision couples make.
Comparing stay-at-home mums to unemployed 30yr old basement dwellers is just retarded. Grow up.
@ the OP: I pay for first dates and beyond that just split 50:50 or alternate.
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I had a girlfriend, parents were filthy rich, she will never have to work a day in her life. I still had to pay for everything.
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On November 25 2011 01:35 Chill wrote:Show nested quote +On November 24 2011 18:54 baubo wrote:On November 24 2011 18:21 Black[CAT] wrote:
Chinese in general are pretty materialistic...
Money 1st, then all is well. I'm Chinese so I see these shit a lot in life.... As someone who has lived in US and China, I don't even know how to respond to this. I guess you must be right. We all know that the global financial crisis happened because of the materialism of Chinese people. That China must have a huge trade deficit because its people can't stop spending and maxing out their credit cards. That Chinese people can't possibly save a greater percentage of their income than any other major country. That the Chinese government must run a huge deficit because they're so materialistic they can't prevent themselves from spending recklessly to fight wars and establish bases around the world. Yes, Chinese as a race must be the most materialistic people in the world. I can't think of another nation that likes materialistic things. There may be one... but I just can't put my finger on it.... No, I think you are right. There can't possibly be a nation of people who care more about money and material wealth than Chinese. What is this reply? It's a stereotype, but it's true that Chinese girls focus on money more than any other race, especially our parent's generation. This has nothing to do with the government.
That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence. I've found chinese girls to be less materialistic than white girls.
Here's an interesting study on the matter that I googled.
http://www.acrwebsite.org/volumes/display.asp?id=7019
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Calgary25977 Posts
On November 25 2011 01:39 Zorkmid wrote:Show nested quote +On November 25 2011 01:35 Chill wrote:On November 24 2011 18:54 baubo wrote:On November 24 2011 18:21 Black[CAT] wrote:
Chinese in general are pretty materialistic...
Money 1st, then all is well. I'm Chinese so I see these shit a lot in life.... As someone who has lived in US and China, I don't even know how to respond to this. I guess you must be right. We all know that the global financial crisis happened because of the materialism of Chinese people. That China must have a huge trade deficit because its people can't stop spending and maxing out their credit cards. That Chinese people can't possibly save a greater percentage of their income than any other major country. That the Chinese government must run a huge deficit because they're so materialistic they can't prevent themselves from spending recklessly to fight wars and establish bases around the world. Yes, Chinese as a race must be the most materialistic people in the world. I can't think of another nation that likes materialistic things. There may be one... but I just can't put my finger on it.... No, I think you are right. There can't possibly be a nation of people who care more about money and material wealth than Chinese. What is this reply? It's a stereotype, but it's true that Chinese girls focus on money more than any other race, especially our parent's generation. This has nothing to do with the government. That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence. I've found chinese girls to be less materialistic than white girls.
That's fine and your opinion. My point is that a country's debt is irrelevant.
Why did you post that article? It doesn't reference China and it's from 1990. I'm not going to read the whole thing to get to a point that you didn't summarize.
I really hope you answer this because I've skimmed through and opened all the references and I can't imagine what the point of this link is.
Why is a country that has been trying to imitate the West more materialistic than the West itself?
Is that your point? lol
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Obviously whatever Chill said is a bit short-minded, it's ultimately saying Chinese are primitive thinkers and the only value for absolute majority of them lies within purchasing power.
I somewhat like OP's attitude but as a man I want to pay even when my lady offers her money. If I'm in a tough spot financially I probably should think of other things, not taking girls out to restaurants.
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krn here, i pay for most when going out with gf.. feel like i should pay all the time haha.
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Calgary25977 Posts
On November 25 2011 01:55 discodancer wrote:
Obviously whatever Chill said is a bit short-minded, it's ultimately saying Chinese are primitive thinkers and the only value for absolute majority of them lies within purchasing power.
How did you infer that from what I said?
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On November 25 2011 01:57 Chill wrote:Show nested quote +On November 25 2011 01:55 discodancer wrote:
Obviously whatever Chill said is a bit short-minded, it's ultimately saying Chinese are primitive thinkers and the only value for absolute majority of them lies within purchasing power. How did you infer that from what I said?
You said yourself that Chinese focus on money more than any other race, isn't it fair to assume that money is what's important for most of them?
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Calgary25977 Posts
On November 25 2011 01:59 discodancer wrote:Show nested quote +On November 25 2011 01:57 Chill wrote:On November 25 2011 01:55 discodancer wrote:
Obviously whatever Chill said is a bit short-minded, it's ultimately saying Chinese are primitive thinkers and the only value for absolute majority of them lies within purchasing power. How did you infer that from what I said? You said yourself that Chinese focus on money more than any other race, isn't it fair to assume that money is what's important for most of them?
And hence are primitive thinkers? Come on.
Hockey is more important to Canadian girls than anyone else. So what?
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My gf prefers me to pay more of the time (I offer to) but doesn't have a problem paying if she thinks I'm uncomfortable paying all the time. I don't mind paying more than 50% all the time, I do mind if a girl expects me to always be the one paying or giving gifts. As long as I feel my efforts are being appreciated I am happy to pay most of the time.
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Boy pays everything for girl also already became a culture in my country. And this kind of culture can be a boomerang. And I have the perfect example.
So, one day, my friend came to me, sharing his romance story with his girl friend, I was expecting to hear a lovey dovey story but NO... I was hearing a frustration story of him. Man...
For short, he is frustrated of how he must pay almost everything for his girlfriend, while his relationship not entering a promising stage.
And trust me, when you're dating, you will not only spending money for your girlfriend, but for her family too (not always, but happened very often).
This kind of view already became an obligation inside boys mind, this is no longer a culture or whatever you call it. And without being realized, they're spending too much for something that over commitment, and end up with nothing. And then, this is the time where my friend came to me, whining, sharing, whatever...
I told him, "If you're having trouble with this kind of relation, why don't you start splitting your expense? I mean, if she is a good woman, she will understand, and she will even support you."
He replied: "And let my dignity dropped in a low level? Her parent will think if I might burdening her in the future if I do this! I must show them how I'm capable of "
I was like: "So, you're maintain your dignity by screwing around your monetary fund, eh? If you're really capable of showing what you wanna shown to her and her parent, why are you came to me and whining about your life now?"
He says nothing. And I continue: "Dude, I suggest you to be more honest to your girl friend, especially with your monthly income. Did you know? Japanese boys and Girls are pay their own expense when they're going out?"
"This is not Japan, dumb ass!" He replied. Of course this is not Japan. I only shows him a possible-alternative-solution (which is rejected by him).
You see, a problem with very easy solution became harder because of how men/boys thinking about the way to run their relationship with their girlfriend.
Even you want to split your expense, mostly, your boyfriend will not accept it because it "Violated his dignity as a man". This is sounds stupid, but that's how men thinking about his relationship.
Of course, there are some boys that being realistic and accept to split the bill.
And, Panda, you're amazing. I hope I could meet a woman with the same way of thinking, just like you, in my country
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On the other side of the coin, I know several guys who take it as an insult if a girl pays for ANYTHING, or even offers to. Yes they are asian. It's just part of culture and tradition that guys must take care of the girls, and that's why you often see materialistic asian girls.
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well my first boyfriend literally never paid for anything, and i paid for him sometimes
he never bought me any presents either (i did for him)
so i think it would be nice to have a rich boi one time who pays for everything
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I pay with how she wants, not with what I got.
Hold chairs out, open doors for her, spend time with her.
That's the currency she likes. Otherwise we split almost everything because the whole thing has no significance. Anything above 40 we split though because it gets a bit hefty for me.
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On November 25 2011 01:33 Scarecrow wrote:
One of the dumbest blanket statement posts I've seen outside LR in a while. Bitches? Cooking, cleaning and raising kids is hard and largely thankless work. Half-assed family values bullshit? Having one parent at home during a kid's formative years is hugely beneficial if the finances allow for it. There's also a bunch of stay-at-home mums that will pick up part time work on the side, on top of household chores. Mine quit her teaching job to raise my brothers and I as my parents agreed that it would be better to have one of them at home while we were growing up. I know several stay-at-home dads as well, it's not about gender equality, it's just a lifestyle decision couples make.
Comparing stay-at-home mums to unemployed 30yr old basement dwellers is just retarded. Grow up.
@ the OP: I pay for first dates and beyond that just split 50:50 or alternate. [/QUOTE]
Cooking and cleaning is hard work? Ok. How is it beneficial to have one parent at home? I mean sure, if money is no issue then maybe it's ok for like 3-4 years in some situations. But after that there is simply no excuse. There is this thing called day care. I hope your mom is happy with her choice. What happens now that you are all grown up (?) I guess nothing happens. It's, you know, a "lifestyle".
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Edit: my compliments to the OP, rock on
My gf and I split the costs of everything 50/50 unless its a gift from one person to the other (an object, a night out, etc).It may be worth noting that she is French and that the Europeans have a somewhat different view of relationships than north Americans (and probably Asians, idk?).
For example, I've noticed that alot of my friends' girlfriends expect their bf's to cater to them and buy them things because they essentially feel that they are doing the bf a service/favor by being with them (1-way relationship) because guys are "so easy to get" etc. In contrast, my relationship is, I feel, more based on mutual enjoyment of each others company, and any expenses incurred along the way don't belong to any one person in particular.
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On November 24 2011 20:42 TheKefka wrote:
Just a side question,how old are you and your boyfriend?
I'm 21 and he's 28.
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On November 24 2011 22:52 StarStruck wrote:
Two questions (hopefully you debunk these myths):
1) Is your mom Asian or Jewish?
2) Do you live around the OC, or a place close by?
Those are the two things that popped into my head as soon as I started reading your blog. O;
So, apparently HK. I <3 Hong Kong because everything is so cheap there. Too many knock-offs for my taste though. Yet we're talking about gold digging ha, ha, ha.
My mom is Chinese -- born in the states (as were her parents).
I live near San Francisco. My family has always been somewhat around that area.
I've never been to HK. :\ I don't even have relatives in HK because the good majority of my mom's side of the family lives in the states. I have no idea about my dad's side.
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On November 24 2011 23:07 OpticalShot wrote:
Is your boyfriend not paying everything because he doesn't want to, or is it because he can't?
In the first case, is it because he is a douche, or is it because he's a cheap person?
In the case of the latter, is it because he fails at life, or... fails at life?
You see, the real problem your mother wants to bring up is not that your boyfriend isn't "paying everything". It's that she's afraid you'll have to support him long term, should you two dive into lifelong commitment. I think the image your mother is getting is that your boyfriend will never find a decent enough job to pay his fair share of living. You see, in the traditional Asian style of relationship, men does pay everything... and it's not really your mother's fault for being stubborn with this idea, because this was the norm in her days. So, in her eyes, the boyfriend isn't paying everything because he fails at life and is incapable of providing for you should you fall into financial trouble. Splitting a meal here and there isn't a big cost unless you two eat out at a steakhouse every night or something. If the guy isn't paying the big costs like rent, insurance, gas, or stuff like that, AND he is of working age (in my opinion, 23+) then we actually have a problem here.
It's not about gold digging. I don't think your mother wants you to be a gold digger. I know you don't see yourself as a gold digger either. You'll either have to prove to your mother that your boyfriend is a responsible, diligent person that is capable of a respectable career, or you'll have to wait until you boyfriend arrives home with a legitimate paycheck to show off to your mother. I'm not a parent or anything, but I think what your mother ultimately expects is for both you and your boyfriend (future husband in your mother's eyes) to have respectable careers as dual-income household. Sorry for bringing marriage into this, but traditional Asian parents tend to think like 20 years down the line.
All this is probably meaningless if both of you are not in the twenties yet... but I'm sure this issue will be brought up many times in your future =P
*edit: 5/5 for your cool attitude and also good luck!
My boyfriend doesn't pay for everything* because I don't let him. :'D
We typically share the costs for everything (aside for the occasional date night or birthdays, anniversaries, etc.)
He definitely has better savings than I do -- but that's because he's spent a longer time in the workforce than I have. I'm still paying off student loans and what-not.
He does pay his own rent, car, and expenses. And I do as well (we don't live together right now).
My mom isn't that traditional though, which is weird. :<
*everything meaning variable things like food costs.
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I'd feel offended if my girlfriend would pay for herself. If I'm in a relationship with a girl and we are at an restaurant or bar, she doesn't need to pay. All other than that: clothes etc... her own business, but I'd feel really akward to pay 50/50 in a restaurant.
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On November 24 2011 17:45 Gamegene wrote:Show nested quote +On November 24 2011 17:40 kierpanda wrote:On November 24 2011 17:35 Gamegene wrote:
The man paying the check is just old fashioned, not gold digging. No reason to bag on your mom.
I've met some girls who are okay with it, some who are not; likewise I always try to pick up the tab just in case she's the former and if she is the latter she will (should) tell me. I understand that the concept is old fashioned, but, it is pretty dated now. Women make money too now -- why can't we spoil our dates? :p same reason why most men wear suits and most women wear dresses. maybe not you, but i think that most young people get a little too offended and over think simple gestures.
This can be true sometimes. Ive had women actually get upset at me for holding a door open for them, just because they can do it themselves.
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Typical Asian women train of thought. "Find rich hubby, be good house wife" Glad the new generation knows whatsup.
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I really wonder what somebody who was knowledgeable about Feminist Theory would say about this. I know one of my profs has a PHD in that field, but I'd feel awkward asking her.
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Reading through the comments I just wanted to add that my mom is also like this but I'm neither Asian nor Jewish. My mom is actually Puerto Rican. I think it's just how she was raised plus the time period she was raised in o.o although my grandfather sat around all day at home while my grandmom worked pfft.
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My girlfriend and I split almost everything, and we do this since we are both the same age and are in similar financial positions (poor students). If your mom is insinuating that the man should be paying regardless of context, then that's stupid. But I suppose that she might have the grounds for raising an objection if your boyfriend is 7 years older than you. I guess she might be suggesting that your boyfriend should be in a much more stable financial position than you for his age, and so that splitting everything by half might not actually be a truly equal affair considering that.
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On November 25 2011 05:07 koreasilver wrote:
My girlfriend and I split almost everything, and we do this since we are both the same age and are in similar financial positions (poor students). If your mom is insinuating that the man should be paying regardless of context, then that's stupid. But I suppose that she might have the grounds for raising an objection if your boyfriend is 7 years older than you. I guess she might be suggesting that your boyfriend should be in a much more stable financial position than you for his age, and so that splitting everything by half might not actually be a truly equal affair considering that.
I believe it's regardless of context. She's done this before.
The last guy I dated was only a few months older than me.
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On November 25 2011 01:35 Chill wrote:Show nested quote +On November 24 2011 18:54 baubo wrote:On November 24 2011 18:21 Black[CAT] wrote:
Chinese in general are pretty materialistic...
Money 1st, then all is well. I'm Chinese so I see these shit a lot in life.... As someone who has lived in US and China, I don't even know how to respond to this. I guess you must be right. We all know that the global financial crisis happened because of the materialism of Chinese people. That China must have a huge trade deficit because its people can't stop spending and maxing out their credit cards. That Chinese people can't possibly save a greater percentage of their income than any other major country. That the Chinese government must run a huge deficit because they're so materialistic they can't prevent themselves from spending recklessly to fight wars and establish bases around the world. Yes, Chinese as a race must be the most materialistic people in the world. I can't think of another nation that likes materialistic things. There may be one... but I just can't put my finger on it.... No, I think you are right. There can't possibly be a nation of people who care more about money and material wealth than Chinese. What is this reply? It's a stereotype, but it's true that Chinese girls focus on money more than any other race, especially our parent's generation. This has nothing to do with the government.
Do you have proof to back this up? Also, are you referring to Chinese Americans, or Chinese people in general? Are you referring to ABCs or 1st generation immigrants? Does other factors come into play, like their own financial situation comparable to a typical white or black or hispanic girl?
I'm just saying that Chinese as a race saves more money and generally much more frugal than their American counterpart even at similar earning level. They plan more for the future, for their kids, for retirement. They have a lot less debt than Americans. They generally don't spend beyond their means like Americans. That is my opinion, but one that's backed up by living in the US for most of my life years and China for 5+ years. If you wish to say I'm wrong, okay. But at least put even a tiny bit of effort into that counter-argument.
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On November 24 2011 17:25 CaucasianAsian wrote:
I once was super cheap on one date and went out to breakfast with a girl where we went to a hotel 20 minutes away that served complimentary breakfast (free food obv.)
relationship didn't last long.
LOLWTF
Meh, some people (including myself) get skittish when we don't pay for stuff. Call it an instinct.
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On November 25 2011 05:09 kierpanda wrote:Show nested quote +On November 25 2011 05:07 koreasilver wrote:
My girlfriend and I split almost everything, and we do this since we are both the same age and are in similar financial positions (poor students). If your mom is insinuating that the man should be paying regardless of context, then that's stupid. But I suppose that she might have the grounds for raising an objection if your boyfriend is 7 years older than you. I guess she might be suggesting that your boyfriend should be in a much more stable financial position than you for his age, and so that splitting everything by half might not actually be a truly equal affair considering that. I believe it's regardless of context. She's done this before. The last guy I dated was only a few months older than me.
I don't disagree with it, but I'm just saying that it might be a reason as to why her mother has brought this up.
But regardless, many Asian parents hold onto this sort of idea.
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Calgary25977 Posts
On November 25 2011 05:11 baubo wrote:Show nested quote +On November 25 2011 01:35 Chill wrote:On November 24 2011 18:54 baubo wrote:On November 24 2011 18:21 Black[CAT] wrote:
Chinese in general are pretty materialistic...
Money 1st, then all is well. I'm Chinese so I see these shit a lot in life.... As someone who has lived in US and China, I don't even know how to respond to this. I guess you must be right. We all know that the global financial crisis happened because of the materialism of Chinese people. That China must have a huge trade deficit because its people can't stop spending and maxing out their credit cards. That Chinese people can't possibly save a greater percentage of their income than any other major country. That the Chinese government must run a huge deficit because they're so materialistic they can't prevent themselves from spending recklessly to fight wars and establish bases around the world. Yes, Chinese as a race must be the most materialistic people in the world. I can't think of another nation that likes materialistic things. There may be one... but I just can't put my finger on it.... No, I think you are right. There can't possibly be a nation of people who care more about money and material wealth than Chinese. What is this reply? It's a stereotype, but it's true that Chinese girls focus on money more than any other race, especially our parent's generation. This has nothing to do with the government. Do you have proof to back this up? Also, are you referring to Chinese Americans, or Chinese people in general? Are you referring to ABCs or 1st generation immigrants? Does other factors come into play, like their own financial situation comparable to a typical white or black or hispanic girl? I'm just saying that Chinese as a race saves more money and generally much more frugal than their American counterpart even at similar earning level. They plan more for the future, for their kids, for retirement. They have a lot less debt than Americans. They generally don't spend beyond their means like Americans. That is my opinion, but one that's backed up by living in the US for most of my life years and China for 5+ years. If you wish to say I'm wrong, okay. But at least put even a tiny bit of effort into that counter-argument.
I'll delete the post.
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Why? Why would you bow down to an apologist?
From my experiences of living in Korea for 5+ years and always having sustained contact with both Koreans and Chinese and having dated Chinese girls for the majority of my dating history (3 out of 4), I can really say with confidence that the general metropolitan Korean and Chinese parent adhere to heavy cultural sex roles and have an obsession with the (potential) financial value of their children's partners. This is something I've picked up over my own experiences and from watching the relationships my friends have been in (whether they be Korean, Chinese, or a non-Asian that is dating an Asian). The very fact that they are so frugal is an intimate part of why they are so money hungry. It's a continuation of the mentality of saving and hoarding more and more.
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My gf and I have the same philosophy. We are responsible for our own bills (insurance/phone/etc). We split shared things 50/50 (internet/groceries/utilities/rent). We kind of have to. We both make shit for wages. I don't count on either of us becoming a primary bread-winner for a few years. Even when that day comes, she's made it fairly obvious she hates being taken care of because she thinks it's demeaning. During certain strife, I offered to pay her share of rent and that she would just pay me back on her next paycheck. Let me tell you that did not go over well ^_^.
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I think it would be interesting to cross reference 1. legality of prostitution and 2. tipping culture to expectation of boyfriends to pay for everything.
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On November 25 2011 05:31 koreasilver wrote:
Why? Why would you bow down to an apologist?
From my experiences of living in Korea for 5+ years and always having sustained contact with both Koreans and Chinese and having dated Chinese girls for the majority of my dating history (3 out of 4), I can really say with confidence that the general metropolitan Korean and Chinese parent adhere to heavy cultural sex roles and have an obsession with the (potential) financial value of their children's partners. This is something I've picked up over my own experiences and from watching the relationships my friends have been in (whether they be Korean, Chinese, or a non-Asian that is dating an Asian). The very fact that they are so frugal is an intimate part of why they are so money hungry. It's a continuation of the mentality of saving and hoarding more and more.
I don't see how you can say that saving is being more money-hungry than spending. At worst it's equal, opposite ends of the same scale. As to obsession with children's partners I'd say that's more the whole tiger parent trope than greed. You want the children to marry someone respectable for the family and all that.
the bowing down to an apologist line makes me think that you're a bit too paranoid to listen, though, so I don't know why I bothered to type this. Obviously if someone thinks you're wrong they're going to say so lol.
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How is this even a big deal?
If I can pay for my lady, I pay. If she doesn't like that, we share the cost. I take her, she takes me out. It's just money anyway. As long as you respect your partner, who cares who pays?
Guys who want to pay are just showing respect. It is OK ladies, you won't be chained to the kitchen just because their boyfriend paid for a meal. On the flipside, you are no less of a man if your woman pays. Not an issue in my opinion.
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One way chivalry I feel is dying out, especially as women become more and more independent. I think relationships work best when there is equal contribution from both parties in terms of generosity and chivalry
Edit: To address your problem, I feel like you just need to express your feelings to your mom about how you want to know you've earned what you got. Thats a sentiment anyone can respect.
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It is a continuation as the greed manifests as accumulation rather than spending. I'm not saying that being frugal is greed in itself, but that the greed within the Eastern context has to be seen within the form of accumulation. It still is a greed as it is the desire to be stable and increase value. You're talking as if there isn't a greed involved in desiring for cementing a familial relationship that will grant you financial and societal benefits. Just because it's different from the general Western manifestations of greed doesn't mean that it isn't greed. This is why this sort of apologia is such nonsense; "our problems don't manifest in the way it does in the West, so we don't have problems".
We can keep believing that, turning a blind eye to how monstrously materialistic our motherlands have become in our generation.
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On November 25 2011 04:24 kierpanda wrote:Show nested quote +On November 24 2011 22:52 StarStruck wrote:
Two questions (hopefully you debunk these myths):
1) Is your mom Asian or Jewish?
2) Do you live around the OC, or a place close by?
Those are the two things that popped into my head as soon as I started reading your blog. O;
So, apparently HK. I <3 Hong Kong because everything is so cheap there. Too many knock-offs for my taste though. Yet we're talking about gold digging ha, ha, ha. My mom is Chinese -- born in the states (as were her parents). I live near San Francisco. My family has always been somewhat around that area. I've never been to HK. :\ I don't even have relatives in HK because the good majority of my mom's side of the family lives in the states. I have no idea about my dad's side.
Ah, so those comments were based off your friends from Taiwan and Hong Kong. 3rd generation. Fair enough. I guess the melting pot analogy doesn't work in this case.
Considering you are 21 and he's 28. I guess your parents just hope that he can pull his weight. I would expect someone to be well on their way at that age anyway.
On November 25 2011 04:33 kierpanda wrote:
My boyfriend doesn't pay for everything* because I don't let him. :'D
We typically share the costs for everything (aside for the occasional date night or birthdays, anniversaries, etc.)
He definitely has better savings than I do -- but that's because he's spent a longer time in the workforce than I have. I'm still paying off student loans and what-not.
He does pay his own rent, car, and expenses. And I do as well (we don't live together right now).
My mom isn't that traditional though, which is weird. :<
*everything meaning variable things like food costs.
Just the way it should be.
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I don't see why he cannot pay for you when he is 7 years older.
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You should be independent, and I'm surprised your mom is not being Chinese... (s she from taiwan?)
I think you have a healthy look on life and relationships. When I was in one my gf ad I always split the cost, and we're both Chinese fyi.
Live strong willed! :D
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Your parents are Asian... nuff said.
Maybe it's in my asian genes too, as a guy, whenever I take a girl out, I would generally offer to pay for food/travel etc. I know it sounds a bit dumb and stupid, but that's just my own little code I follow. It just feels too damn awkward to ask to split bills and stuff.
But, I can see why have equal contributions means alot to relationships, as there's no real bread winner now-a-days with couples.
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On November 24 2011 17:55 Rekrul wrote:Show nested quote +On November 24 2011 17:54 kierpanda wrote:On November 24 2011 17:46 Ludrik wrote:On November 24 2011 17:42 kierpanda wrote:On November 24 2011 17:37 igotmyown wrote:
I thought you were actually going to tell us her advice on how to be a gold digger. Maybe there were some super evil gold digging secrets. Be from Taiwan or HK? Just kidding! :'D But that's typically the stereotype, unfortunately. :\ My older brother dated a Taiwanese girl. Damn, that girl was spoiled. My brother bought her an expensive Tiffany's necklace a few months after they were dating. My brother is also a moron/tool. So.... I think there's some truth to that stereotype. My girlfriends from Hong Kong and while she isn't a gold digger, f*&# me her sister is. Talking about using your body for money. Very dated concept imo. I went to school with a few girls from HK -- all they do is show off their newest designer bag or boots or whatever. My facebook newsfeed used to be cluttered with this former classmate's pictures of her new Tiffany jewelry and Juicy Couture clothes. I know not all girls are like that, but the ones who are ... yuck. judging these girls off that makes you yuck, not them
She's not even that judgemental.
I would say, come to the Netherlands for a long while, and you'll see how much dutch people judge on outer looks and behaviour. This is nothing.
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I'm chivalrous as fuck- I want to be the one paying.
But if she reeeeeealllly wants to pay (and I mean like she won't back down) then I let her.
(On another note, I wouldn't mind being a gold-digger... kekeke)
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On November 25 2011 09:13 StarStruck wrote:Show nested quote +On November 25 2011 04:24 kierpanda wrote:On November 24 2011 22:52 StarStruck wrote:
Two questions (hopefully you debunk these myths):
1) Is your mom Asian or Jewish?
2) Do you live around the OC, or a place close by?
Those are the two things that popped into my head as soon as I started reading your blog. O;
So, apparently HK. I <3 Hong Kong because everything is so cheap there. Too many knock-offs for my taste though. Yet we're talking about gold digging ha, ha, ha. My mom is Chinese -- born in the states (as were her parents). I live near San Francisco. My family has always been somewhat around that area. I've never been to HK. :\ I don't even have relatives in HK because the good majority of my mom's side of the family lives in the states. I have no idea about my dad's side. Ah, so those comments were based off your friends from Taiwan and Hong Kong. 3rd generation. Fair enough. I guess the melting pot analogy doesn't work in this case. Considering you are 21 and he's 28. I guess your parents just hope that he can pull his weight. I would expect someone to be well on their way at that age anyway. Show nested quote +On November 25 2011 04:33 kierpanda wrote:
My boyfriend doesn't pay for everything* because I don't let him. :'D
We typically share the costs for everything (aside for the occasional date night or birthdays, anniversaries, etc.)
He definitely has better savings than I do -- but that's because he's spent a longer time in the workforce than I have. I'm still paying off student loans and what-not.
He does pay his own rent, car, and expenses. And I do as well (we don't live together right now).
My mom isn't that traditional though, which is weird. :<
*everything meaning variable things like food costs.
Just the way it should be.
Yes, the HK and Taiwan stereotypes are what I've learned from friends who lived in both areas. To some extent, I kind of understand, since a lot of the HK and Taiwanese girls I've met in college were very snooty and materialistic. Just their attitude about money just rubbed me the wrong way.
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NeverGG
United Kingdom5399 Posts
'I personally hate the idea of the man having to carry the weight of the relationship and provide for the woman. I didn't go through higher education for the purpose of getting a job to get married and become a dead weight. '
This so much. As a fellow woman I think it's sweet when guys offer to pay for the odd meal/giving me surprise gifts etc, but the idea of someone paying for things like my ultility bills/phone etc strikes me as really selfish on my part.
I also like to surprise people (guys and girls) by buying them a meal, or some random present just because. If someone buys me something then I think it's only fair to get something in return for them/treat them the next time we're out together. Just remembering how happy their kindness made me feel is enough to motivate me to do something for them too.
If I was in a relationship (not that I plan on getting into that situation ever.) I'd feel weird about not paying for my own basic obligations. Splitting things down the middle/coming up with a similarly fair plan is definitely preferable.
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Braavos36374 Posts
If the date goes well, I pretty much always offer to pay on the first date, because it's worth the money to find out a little about the person. If she just lets me without any hint of protest, that's not very cool. Putting up some of a fight but eventually caving is OK, insisting on half half is even better. I've only had two dates ever where the girl insisted on paying for everything, but good reasons both times.
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I wish my gf wouldn't let me pay for stuff.
If I ever have a daughter that's the #1 lesson I will teach her
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Agreeeeeeee.
Definitely think it's a new age thing. When I was cashier at a cafe, I remember one couple specifically who came in semi regularly and took turns paying, while all the "older" dates were exclusively men paying for the meal. It's one of those weird things that'll get adjusting to as women become more independent in the world, because for a lot of guys it's a pride thing. I know a friend who dislikes it when he goes out with a girl (on a date or with a friend who happens to be a girl) and they try to pay. He just feels like it's a gentlemen thing to do to pay for a girl and I feel kind of the same way to. I suppose it's in context though. The idea of special occasions like specific date nights and birthdays is so spot on.
tl;dr: happens more for newer couples than older. Some guys still do it for pride/chivalry(guys watch chick flicks too). You're awesome.
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Lol 3rd gen abc? You're grandparents mustve came hella early.
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I'm kinda old school in the sense that I'd like to provide for my girl. That being said, she is appreciative of my support and never takes it for granted, or taken advantage of me. I think as long as the couple have a mutual understanding/agreement on all things (spiritual/financial/values...) that should be more important than following any other people's advice on your relationship approach.
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I would love to have a girl pay for everything if she happens to be better of than me. As long as you're not being sexist, i.e. acting a certain way because you do or do not have a penis. That shit is fucked up.
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On November 25 2011 16:45 iSometric wrote:
Lol 3rd gen abc? You're grandparents mustve came hella early.
Yep. They bounced before shit went down in China. :<
I believe they worked as furriers in SF or something.
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Gold diggers are only good for one thing... LOL
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EPT
