EPTThe main subject I wanted to address was this blog that I wrote: http://www.teamliquid.net/blogs/viewblog.php?id=261269
and what has happened with me and her since.
It's been two VERY long months. To be completely honest when I looked up the blog and saw the date on it I was slightly surprised. I was sure that more time had passed.
I guess in the begining...
SEPTEMBER
We started very simple, just talking online via email and on the phone, eventually on facebook again. Easing ourselves back into the entire situation. We were both nervous, scared, apprehensive, and excited all at the same time.
It took about a week or so before we mustered up the courage to see each other face to face. We went and played pool with my cousin and her cousin.
More people make tough situations easier right?
I will never forget this day. My cousin and I got a table towards the front of the building by the large front windows. I was scared shitless, I'm fairly certain I've never been so nervous in my life... We were supposed to meet up at about 8:00pm and it was 8:05, I was dying with anxiety. I went up to the bar and grabbed a beer to help calm my nerves.
I went back to join my cousin and play a game of pool to pass the time which seemed to slow down to a snails pace.
"Relax Aaron, she wants to see you too"
I smiled, nervously.
It was at this very exact moment that I happened to look out the window and see her White 4 door Integra drive by. We made eye contact. It was...Uplifting!! There was a sudden rush of adrenalin and I was engulfed in an odd feeling that I hadn't felt in a very long time.
Push had come to shove, I was about to see the only girl I had ever loved again. Unfortunately her just getting there meant she hadn't had the time to calm her crazy nerves as well.My phone vibrated in my pocket.
The text read, "I can't come in yet"
I responded with, "Yea I'm nervous too, take your time I'm not going anywhere"
"Ok"
About 10 to 15 minutes had passed before I received the next text...
"I think I'm ready" she said.
"Me too" I said
In about another 5 minutes came in. Seeing her open that door will forever be a moment engraved in my head. I will cherish it forever.
She was beautiful
Her hair had grown a lot since I last saw her, it sat recently straightened down her back. She had a cute jacket and heels. She was wearing a necklace that I had recognized instantly, I had purchased it for her. It made me happy to see she still had it.
We made eye contact again, and then she stopped. She looked at me with her beautiful brown eyes and I stared into them deeply. (Asking my cousin about this later he said we stood there for a full minute or so before we moved an inch. Afterwards we embraced in a very long hug)
The whole night was amazing, I think you all know that by now. The funny part is I payed for a pool table for close to 3 hours and the only game that was played was between my cousin and I before she got there.
Lets skip forward a bit
A few weeks had passed now. We found ourselves constantly texting, calling, hanging out, going to coffee, doing work together. We had fallen into what I would like to call our "routine relationship". I was loving every second of it.
For the first time in years, I was happy.
Now she and I had talked about what was going on between us. Her opinion was that no matter what, we couldn't be together again. There was too much history, torment, heartbreak and hurt still inside both of us.
I agreed for her sake, to make things easier. There was a lot of history between the two of us but I didn't care, and I wasn't willing to let go again just yet.
Obviously things have started to get a bit "hot and heated" We were talking about our past a lot, things that happened, why they happened, how it made us feel...and we always ended up in the same place...
In bed...
Unfortunately we still solved our issues the same way we always did, hiding it through sex. I didn't necessarily mind though, sex was never an issue for us to say the least. I'll leave the details out
.OCTOBER
Things had progressed...differently that I had wanted.
Her feelings about us not being able to have a relationship other than whatever it currently was hadn't changed. She had begun dating again. Just random dinners with guys. She would tell me how they went and if she thought they were nice or not.
I listened...She came home to me anyway.
It still hurt though. Hearing about the girl of your dreams, the girl you've thought about for the two years thinking about and trying to find someone else...right in front of your eyes.
I didn't necessarily blame her though. I understood her feelings and thought they were merited. I had started accepting the fact that at some point, I would HAVE to move on...for real.
Her birthday was coming up...as well as the 2 year anniversary of our break up...Emotions were running a bit wild.
"We" had decided now, it was in our best interests to start slowing down. I wanted to take her out for her birthday and we decided we would make that the finish line. I would get to take her out on her birthday, and then we would begin radio silence...At least for a bit.
Her birthday was amazing.
Really it was a birthday weekend but yea...
I had purchased tickets for us to see one of our favorite bands "Bayside" (Hopefully we have some fans here on TL).
Bayside was amazing, they played a lot of stuff from their new album, a lot of stuff from older albums and every song was specifically for us. The night was awesome. We ended up sticking around for a bit and going to a bar down the street for a drink. We talked about how much fun we had, and that it was one of her best birthdays she's ever had. We left and started walking back to the car.
Then the unthinkable happened...We saw the lead singer of Bayside walking to his tour bus...
![[image loading]](http://i40.tinypic.com/f4oc4g.jpg)
He was such a nice guy. Obviously it being her birthday we asked if we could have a picture to remember the night, he obliged. He even commented on the shirts that we had made that had lyrics to our favorite songs on them.
Once again I cannot express how awesome the night was.
And then it was done...
I took her home, gave her a kiss, told her I loved her and that my phone is always on.
It rang a few days later...
She wanted to know how I was holding up, and was curious about my plans for Halloween. I told her I had not set anything in stone and that if she would like we could go out to SF with my cousin. So that's what we did, and that's why I'm now writing this blog.
She had told me last night that she had been talking to someone for a bit now and they had recently become "exclusive".
Which had me wondering..."Why are you going out with me, half naked...to go dancing in the city."
Regardless it was a fun night. We got fucked up, grinded all up on each other. Then, unfortunately; I dropped her off at home.
Now I'm sitting in my bed, slightly hungover, extremely depressed wondering...Is this ever going to go away? It's been a few years and it still feels like it was yesterday. The hurt is still with me, and I'm back to square one.
I love her like there's no tomorrow, and I can't be with her.
I'll leave you with some bayside.
Lyrics to The New Flesh :
If I should fall down would you wait for me?
If I was out would you be home?
If I should pray then would you pray with me?
If I fell in love would I be in love alone?
This isn't half of what I thought it'd be
At what point does love become routine?
I had to wait, I had to wait, I had to wait to see
That who you are is not who I hoped you'd be
Now I don't know where to go
I don't know if this thing's still working
My heart's not beating anymore
And I don't know if I bleed
Test it out just to see
Cuz the best that I can hope to be
Is strong enough to leave
I never lived and died by ecstasy
Fun's never been my cup of tea
But now I try, but now I try, but now I try to be
The best I can for no one else but me
And I don't know where to go
I don't know if this thing's still working
My heart's not beating anymore
And I don't know if I bleed
Test it out just to see
Cuz the best that I can hope to be
Is strong enough to leave
You're such a shame love, what those animals say to ya
You're such a shame love, what those animals say to ya
You're such a shame love, what those animals say to ya
What they do when they came for ya
Just think it through, you never learned what not to do
A shame love, what those animals say to ya
What they do when they came for ya
Just think it through, you never learned what not to do
A shame love, You're such a shame love, a shame love
And I don't know where to go
I don't know if this thing's still working
My heart's not beating anymore
I don't know if I bleed
Test it out just to see
Is this the best that I can hope to be
And I don't know where to go
(Don't know where)
Don't know if this thing's still working
My heart's not beating anymore
And don't know if I bleed
(Don't know if I bleed)
Don't know if this thing's still working
The best that I can hope to be
Is strong enough to leave
