• Log InLog In
  • Register
Liquid`
Team Liquid Liquipedia
EDT 14:41
CEST 20:41
KST 03:41
  • Home
  • Forum
  • Calendar
  • Streams
  • Liquipedia
  • Features
  • Store
  • EPT
  • TL+
  • StarCraft 2
  • Brood War
  • Smash
  • Heroes
  • Counter-Strike
  • Overwatch
  • Liquibet
  • Fantasy StarCraft
  • TLPD
  • StarCraft 2
  • Brood War
  • Blogs
Forum Sidebar
Events/Features
News
Featured News
TL.net Map Contest #22 - Voting & Ladder Map Selection2Code S Season 2 (2026) - RO8 Preview5[ASL21] Finals Preview: Two Legacies21Code S Season 2 (2026) - RO12 Preview2herO wins GSL Code S Season 1 (2026)7
Community News
StarCraft II 5.0.16 PTR Patch Notes may 26th117Weekly Cups (May 18-25): MaxPax wins doubles0Crank Gathers Season 4: BW vs SC2 Team League5Weekly Cups (May 11-17): Classic wins double1Code S Season 1 (2026) - RO8 Results2
StarCraft 2
General
StarCraft II 5.0.16 PTR Patch Notes may 26th TL.net Map Contest #22 - Voting & Ladder Map Selection The death of cheese, from a professional cheeser. Code S Season 2 (2026) - RO8 Preview TL Poll: How do you feel about the 5.0.16 PTR balance changes?
Tourneys
Maestros of The Game 2 announcement and schedule ! RSL Revival: Season 5 - Qualifiers and Main Event Crank Gathers Season 4: BW vs SC2 Team League GSL Code S Season 2 (2026) Sparkling Tuna Cup - Weekly Open Tournament
Strategy
[G] Having the right mentality to improve
Custom Maps
[D]RTS in all its shapes and glory <3 [A] Nemrods 1/4 players
External Content
The PondCast: SC2 News & Results Mutation # 528 Infection Detected Welcome to the External Content forum Mutation # 527 Hell Train
Brood War
General
Data needed BGH Auto Balance -> http://bghmmr.eu/ Quality of life changes in BW that you will like ? Soma's ASL Finals Review FlaShFTW vs A.Alm Grudge Match Event
Tourneys
[ASL21] Grand Finals [Megathread] Daily Proleagues Escore Tournament StarCraft Season 2 [BSL22] WB Final & LB Semis - Saturday 21:00 CEST
Strategy
Any training maps people recommend? Muta micro map competition [G] Hydra ZvZ: An Introduction Fighting Spirit mining rates
Other Games
General Games
Nintendo Switch Thread Stormgate/Frost Giant Megathread Warcraft III: The Frozen Throne ZeroSpace Megathread Path of Exile
Dota 2
Official 'what is Dota anymore' discussion
League of Legends
Heroes of the Storm
Simple Questions, Simple Answers Heroes of the Storm 2.0
Hearthstone
Deck construction bug Heroes of StarCraft mini-set
TL Mafia
Vanilla Mini Mafia Mafia Game Mode Feedback/Ideas TL Mafia Community Thread Five o'clock TL Mafia
Community
General
US Politics Mega-thread Russo-Ukrainian War Thread Trading/Investing Thread Things Aren’t Peaceful in Palestine Dating: How's your luck?
Fan Clubs
The herO Fan Club!
Media & Entertainment
[Manga] One Piece Anime Discussion Thread [Req][Books] Good Fantasy/SciFi books
Sports
McBoner: A hockey love story 2024 - 2026 Football Thread TeamLiquid Health and Fitness Initiative For 2023 Formula 1 Discussion
World Cup 2022
Tech Support
Computer Build, Upgrade & Buying Resource Thread Facing Challenges in Mobile App Development
TL Community
The Automated Ban List
Blogs
Esportsmanship: How to NOT B…
TrAiDoS
Why RTS gamers make better f…
gosubay
ramps on octagon
StaticNine
ASL S21 English Commentary…
namkraft
Customize Sidebar...

Website Feedback

Closed Threads



Active: 5281 users

Short story plus hate

Blogs > gumshoe
Post a Reply
gumshoe
Profile Blog Joined December 2010
Canada3602 Posts
Last Edited: 2011-10-28 16:53:26
October 28 2011 15:04 GMT
#1
warning !ninja edits are abound-thanks for your suggestions so far!


This is a short story I wrote because of how much I love the commuting to school everyday. It's 750 words so it wont take much of your time to read.Tell me what you guys think of it(any and all feedback is greatly appreciated)


-----Public transportation in the winter is my step father, an asshole. Fifteen minutes ago I left a dog, a half eaten pop tart, hope, and dressed for the frigid bullshit of the outside world. Now I have to trek through this icy nonsense in order to miss the god damn bus.

I get to the stop and I'm not sure if I'm early or late. I ask a crowd of five frozen mummies if any of them have the time. They don’t even look at me which bugs me beyond imagination. I'm about to swear at them till my throat is raw but the bus's arrival spares them the barrage. I climb ascend the steps and greet the fat driver barely scrunched into his seat at the front of the bus. He doesn't answer me, just motions towards the till. I spend a long time fishing for change and finally manage to piece $3.25 together. I toss the change at the driver and thrust ahead into a small pack of six people occupying a space that looks to be only capable of supporting two. But just before I manage to disappear into the crowd a crushing grip takes hold of my left wrist. A second later I hear the driver say, “Sorry kid, fair just got raised.”

I see a silver glint. I hear a ‘swoosh’. I feel an incredible lightness and I smell and taste blood. When I turn around the bus driver is holding up a bloody cleaver in his left hand and MY left hand in his right. I stare at the space where my frost bitten fingers should be right now, but all I see is a fountain of blood. The driver takes hold of my stump just before it erupts and does a fairly expert job of bandaging it. He turns back to the road and keeps on rolling.
I feel as if I should be shocked or outraged, but I honestly just feel a bit empty, and not at all surprised. After all, it's the YRT. What does surprise me is the fact that I hadn’t noticed when I got on the bus that everyone else was missing their left hand.

I cry out to my fellow cripples, “Hey assholes! They cut off our hands!” No one replies, so I call again. I get one response from a guy sitting to my right: without looking away from his Ipad he says, “Just sit down bud, quit rocking the boat”

I smash the Ipad out of his hands and shout, “Who’s rocking the boat now?” He hits me. I do likewise and when a few of those hits miss their marks and land in the crowd, the fight gets bigger. A minute later, chaos has erupted. Children are pulling each other's hair and grandmas are clawing at each others’ throats.

Eventually the great brawl comes to an end. The victor is the one guy who'd bought a working bus pass, the only non-amputee onboard. At his two hands the passengers had suffered a terrible defeat. The uneven brawl forces them to realize that they may never win another fight again. The passengers grow to be every bit as angry as I am, and they converge at the bus driver as if to tear him apart. “This is bull! I want my hand back!” “Yeah, I'm already late for work! I demand a refund!” “Hey, why did you only take left hands?! Is it because you think everyone is right-handed?! Well I'm a leftie, and I won’t stand for this discrimination!” On and on they rage like the best runner-ups mourning their loss in the aftermath of a neck-and-neck race.

In the midst of the driver’s roast the bus comes to a screeching halt. A quick glance reveals the stop to be my destination. I ask the guy from before if he could check the time for me on his Ipad. He looks at me with a furrowed brow and a pair of tight lips, doesn’t say a thing, and just clutches his Ipad tightly against his chest. Not entirely able to mask my disappointment I turn away and head toward the exit. I'm one foot out the door when I just barely hear the man with the Ipad yell above the voices of the increasingly angry passengers “Its 8:25!” His words declare me to be miraculously on time.------

Do you hate the bus? Share your transit horror stories here! It'll be contextual!


**
gumshoe bullshitting at 120%~~Prplz
Horuku
Profile Blog Joined August 2010
United States405 Posts
October 28 2011 15:24 GMT
#2
I found your over use of metaphors like "I ask a crowd of five frozen mummies", "I'm about to swear at them till my throats rawer than sushi" and "I board right away to escape the freezing air pulsing from the mummies" to be really cheesy. It reaks of someone that just learned what a metaphor is and just tries to cram any story full of them. Really it just seems out of place and throws off the pace of the story. I found myself thinking GET ON WITH IT ALREADY.
d<^^>b
HackBenjamin
Profile Blog Joined January 2011
Canada1094 Posts
October 28 2011 15:32 GMT
#3
Interesting. But if the bus driver cut off everyones left, how did you grab the iPad out of his hands? O.o
gumshoe
Profile Blog Joined December 2010
Canada3602 Posts
October 28 2011 16:58 GMT
#4
On October 29 2011 00:24 Horuku wrote:
I found your over use of metaphors like "I ask a crowd of five frozen mummies", "I'm about to swear at them till my throats rawer than sushi" and "I board right away to escape the freezing air pulsing from the mummies" to be really cheesy. It reaks of someone that just learned what a metaphor is and just tries to cram any story full of them. Really it just seems out of place and throws off the pace of the story. I found myself thinking GET ON WITH IT ALREADY.


Your qualm is understood and I'm editing out the sushi one as I type, to be honest that whole section is there because originally the story was 1400 words and there was a huge chunk of story ark located where cheesy metaphors now reside, Although I agree with you those lines were pretty lame those are the only metaphors in the whole piece so they should only be a minor inconvenience.
gumshoe bullshitting at 120%~~Prplz
Please log in or register to reply.
Live Events Refresh
Monday Night Weeklies
16:00
#54
RotterdaM1200
TKL 537
TaKeTV 424
IndyStarCraft 258
BRAT_OK 121
ZombieGrub0
LiquipediaDiscussion
[ Submit Event ]
Live Streams
Refresh
StarCraft 2
ProTech2397
RotterdaM 1200
TKL 537
mouzHeroMarine 392
IndyStarCraft 258
BRAT_OK 121
UpATreeSC 119
ZombieGrub27
EmSc Tv 18
StarCraft: Brood War
Dewaltoss 158
Backho 105
firebathero 67
Zeus 60
HiyA 52
sorry 44
IntoTheRainbow 20
ajuk12(nOOB) 10
soO 9
Sacsri 8
Dota 2
qojqva3638
Counter-Strike
fl0m2554
byalli1655
pashabiceps600
x6flipin518
adren_tv65
Other Games
Grubby4532
singsing2347
Liquid`RaSZi2221
ceh9527
B2W.Neo358
KnowMe187
Liquid`VortiX119
Mew2King65
Trikslyr40
MindelVK9
Pyrionflax1
Organizations
Other Games
BasetradeTV255
StarCraft 2
EmSc Tv 18
EmSc2Tv 18
Blizzard YouTube
StarCraft: Brood War
BSLTrovo
[ Show 15 non-featured ]
StarCraft 2
• kabyraGe 111
• Reevou 8
• AfreecaTV YouTube
• intothetv
• Kozan
• IndyKCrew
• LaughNgamezSOOP
• Migwel
• sooper7s
StarCraft: Brood War
• blackmanpl 36
• Michael_bg 9
• BSLYoutube
• STPLYoutube
• ZZZeroYoutube
Other Games
• WagamamaTV313
Upcoming Events
Replay Cast
5h 19m
Sparkling Tuna Cup
15h 19m
WardiTV Spring Champion…
16h 19m
Maestros of the Game
20h 49m
The PondCast
1d 15h
Kung Fu Cup
1d 16h
uThermal 2v2 Circuit
1d 20h
Maestros of the Game
1d 20h
Replay Cast
2 days
Replay Cast
2 days
[ Show More ]
WardiTV Spring Champion…
2 days
Maestros of the Game
2 days
Replay Cast
3 days
uThermal 2v2 Circuit
3 days
Maestros of the Game
3 days
Replay Cast
4 days
Solar vs Classic
uThermal 2v2 Circuit
4 days
GSL
5 days
herO vs Rogue
Maru vs Cure
uThermal 2v2 Circuit
5 days
BSL
6 days
Replay Cast
6 days
Monday Night Weeklies
6 days
Liquipedia Results

Completed

KK 2v2 League Season 1
RSL Revival: Season 5
Heroes Pulsing #1

Ongoing

BSL Season 22
IPSL Spring 2026
KCM Race Survival 2026 Season 2
Acropolis #4
CSCL: Masked Kings S4
YSL S3
SCTL 2026 Spring
WardiTV Spring 2026
Maestros of the Game 2
2026 GSL S2
Murky Cup 2026
Stake Ranked Episode 2
CS Asia Championships 2026
Asian Champions League 2026
IEM Atlanta 2026
PGL Astana 2026
BLAST Rivals Spring 2026
IEM Rio 2026
PGL Bucharest 2026
Stake Ranked Episode 1
BLAST Open Spring 2026

Upcoming

BSL 22 Non-Korean Championship
CSLAN 4
Blizzard Classic Cup 2026
Kung Fu Cup 2026 Grand Finals
CranK Gathers Season 4: BW vs SC2 Team League
HSC XXIX
uThermal 2v2 2026 Main Event
Heroes Pulsing #3
Heroes Pulsing #2
Esports World Cup 2026
BLAST Bounty Summer 2026
BLAST Bounty Summer Qual
Stake Ranked Episode 3
XSE Pro League 2026
IEM Cologne Major 2026
TLPD

1. ByuN
2. TY
3. Dark
4. Solar
5. Stats
6. Nerchio
7. sOs
8. soO
9. INnoVation
10. Elazer
1. Rain
2. Flash
3. EffOrt
4. Last
5. Bisu
6. Soulkey
7. Mini
8. Sharp
Sidebar Settings...

Advertising | Privacy Policy | Terms Of Use | Contact Us

Original banner artwork: Jim Warren
The contents of this webpage are copyright © 2026 TLnet. All Rights Reserved.