• Log InLog In
  • Register
Liquid`
Team Liquid Liquipedia
EDT 11:19
CEST 17:19
KST 00:19
  • Home
  • Forum
  • Calendar
  • Streams
  • Liquipedia
  • Features
  • Store
  • EPT
  • TL+
  • StarCraft 2
  • Brood War
  • Smash
  • Heroes
  • Counter-Strike
  • Overwatch
  • Liquibet
  • Fantasy StarCraft
  • TLPD
  • StarCraft 2
  • Brood War
  • Blogs
Forum Sidebar
Events/Features
News
Featured News
Maestros of the Game: Week 1/Play-in Preview12[ASL20] Ro24 Preview Pt2: Take-Off7[ASL20] Ro24 Preview Pt1: Runway132v2 & SC: Evo Complete: Weekend Double Feature4Team Liquid Map Contest #21 - Presented by Monster Energy16
Community News
LiuLi Cup - September 2025 Tournaments2Weekly Cups (August 25-31): Clem's Last Straw?39Weekly Cups (Aug 18-24): herO dethrones MaxPax6Maestros of The Game—$20k event w/ live finals in Paris54Weekly Cups (Aug 11-17): MaxPax triples again!15
StarCraft 2
General
Production Quality - Maestros of the Game Vs RSL 2 #1: Maru - Greatest Players of All Time Team Liquid Map Contest #21 - Presented by Monster Energy Geoff 'iNcontroL' Robinson has passed away Heaven's Balance Suggestions (roast me)
Tourneys
RSL: Revival, a new crowdfunded tournament series Maestros of The Game—$20k event w/ live finals in Paris Chzzk MurlocKing SC1 vs SC2 Cup Sea Duckling Open (Global, Bronze-Diamond) LiuLi Cup - September 2025 Tournaments
Strategy
Custom Maps
External Content
Mutation # 489 Bannable Offense Mutation # 488 What Goes Around Mutation # 487 Think Fast Mutation # 486 Watch the Skies
Brood War
General
The Korean Terminology Thread BGH Auto Balance -> http://bghmmr.eu/ Pros React To: herO's Baffling Game ASL20 General Discussion BW General Discussion
Tourneys
[Megathread] Daily Proleagues [IPSL] ISPL Season 1 Winter Qualis and Info! Is there English video for group selection for ASL Small VOD Thread 2.0
Strategy
Simple Questions, Simple Answers Muta micro map competition Fighting Spirit mining rates [G] Mineral Boosting
Other Games
General Games
Stormgate/Frost Giant Megathread General RTS Discussion Thread Nintendo Switch Thread Path of Exile Warcraft III: The Frozen Throne
Dota 2
Official 'what is Dota anymore' discussion
League of Legends
Heroes of the Storm
Simple Questions, Simple Answers Heroes of the Storm 2.0
Hearthstone
Heroes of StarCraft mini-set
TL Mafia
TL Mafia Community Thread Vanilla Mini Mafia
Community
General
US Politics Mega-thread Things Aren’t Peaceful in Palestine The Games Industry And ATVI Russo-Ukrainian War Thread Canadian Politics Mega-thread
Fan Clubs
The Happy Fan Club!
Media & Entertainment
[Manga] One Piece Anime Discussion Thread Movie Discussion! [\m/] Heavy Metal Thread
Sports
Formula 1 Discussion MLB/Baseball 2023 2024 - 2026 Football Thread TeamLiquid Health and Fitness Initiative For 2023
World Cup 2022
Tech Support
Computer Build, Upgrade & Buying Resource Thread High temperatures on bridge(s)
TL Community
The Automated Ban List TeamLiquid Team Shirt On Sale
Blogs
Collective Intelligence: Tea…
TrAiDoS
A very expensive lesson on ma…
Garnet
hello world
radishsoup
Lemme tell you a thing o…
JoinTheRain
RTS Design in Hypercoven
a11
Evil Gacha Games and the…
ffswowsucks
INDEPENDIENTE LA CTM
XenOsky
Customize Sidebar...

Website Feedback

Closed Threads



Active: 2355 users

Short story plus hate

Blogs > gumshoe
Post a Reply
gumshoe
Profile Blog Joined December 2010
Canada3602 Posts
Last Edited: 2011-10-28 16:53:26
October 28 2011 15:04 GMT
#1
warning !ninja edits are abound-thanks for your suggestions so far!


This is a short story I wrote because of how much I love the commuting to school everyday. It's 750 words so it wont take much of your time to read.Tell me what you guys think of it(any and all feedback is greatly appreciated)


-----Public transportation in the winter is my step father, an asshole. Fifteen minutes ago I left a dog, a half eaten pop tart, hope, and dressed for the frigid bullshit of the outside world. Now I have to trek through this icy nonsense in order to miss the god damn bus.

I get to the stop and I'm not sure if I'm early or late. I ask a crowd of five frozen mummies if any of them have the time. They don’t even look at me which bugs me beyond imagination. I'm about to swear at them till my throat is raw but the bus's arrival spares them the barrage. I climb ascend the steps and greet the fat driver barely scrunched into his seat at the front of the bus. He doesn't answer me, just motions towards the till. I spend a long time fishing for change and finally manage to piece $3.25 together. I toss the change at the driver and thrust ahead into a small pack of six people occupying a space that looks to be only capable of supporting two. But just before I manage to disappear into the crowd a crushing grip takes hold of my left wrist. A second later I hear the driver say, “Sorry kid, fair just got raised.”

I see a silver glint. I hear a ‘swoosh’. I feel an incredible lightness and I smell and taste blood. When I turn around the bus driver is holding up a bloody cleaver in his left hand and MY left hand in his right. I stare at the space where my frost bitten fingers should be right now, but all I see is a fountain of blood. The driver takes hold of my stump just before it erupts and does a fairly expert job of bandaging it. He turns back to the road and keeps on rolling.
I feel as if I should be shocked or outraged, but I honestly just feel a bit empty, and not at all surprised. After all, it's the YRT. What does surprise me is the fact that I hadn’t noticed when I got on the bus that everyone else was missing their left hand.

I cry out to my fellow cripples, “Hey assholes! They cut off our hands!” No one replies, so I call again. I get one response from a guy sitting to my right: without looking away from his Ipad he says, “Just sit down bud, quit rocking the boat”

I smash the Ipad out of his hands and shout, “Who’s rocking the boat now?” He hits me. I do likewise and when a few of those hits miss their marks and land in the crowd, the fight gets bigger. A minute later, chaos has erupted. Children are pulling each other's hair and grandmas are clawing at each others’ throats.

Eventually the great brawl comes to an end. The victor is the one guy who'd bought a working bus pass, the only non-amputee onboard. At his two hands the passengers had suffered a terrible defeat. The uneven brawl forces them to realize that they may never win another fight again. The passengers grow to be every bit as angry as I am, and they converge at the bus driver as if to tear him apart. “This is bull! I want my hand back!” “Yeah, I'm already late for work! I demand a refund!” “Hey, why did you only take left hands?! Is it because you think everyone is right-handed?! Well I'm a leftie, and I won’t stand for this discrimination!” On and on they rage like the best runner-ups mourning their loss in the aftermath of a neck-and-neck race.

In the midst of the driver’s roast the bus comes to a screeching halt. A quick glance reveals the stop to be my destination. I ask the guy from before if he could check the time for me on his Ipad. He looks at me with a furrowed brow and a pair of tight lips, doesn’t say a thing, and just clutches his Ipad tightly against his chest. Not entirely able to mask my disappointment I turn away and head toward the exit. I'm one foot out the door when I just barely hear the man with the Ipad yell above the voices of the increasingly angry passengers “Its 8:25!” His words declare me to be miraculously on time.------

Do you hate the bus? Share your transit horror stories here! It'll be contextual!


**
gumshoe bullshitting at 120%~~Prplz
Horuku
Profile Blog Joined August 2010
United States405 Posts
October 28 2011 15:24 GMT
#2
I found your over use of metaphors like "I ask a crowd of five frozen mummies", "I'm about to swear at them till my throats rawer than sushi" and "I board right away to escape the freezing air pulsing from the mummies" to be really cheesy. It reaks of someone that just learned what a metaphor is and just tries to cram any story full of them. Really it just seems out of place and throws off the pace of the story. I found myself thinking GET ON WITH IT ALREADY.
d<^^>b
HackBenjamin
Profile Blog Joined January 2011
Canada1094 Posts
October 28 2011 15:32 GMT
#3
Interesting. But if the bus driver cut off everyones left, how did you grab the iPad out of his hands? O.o
gumshoe
Profile Blog Joined December 2010
Canada3602 Posts
October 28 2011 16:58 GMT
#4
On October 29 2011 00:24 Horuku wrote:
I found your over use of metaphors like "I ask a crowd of five frozen mummies", "I'm about to swear at them till my throats rawer than sushi" and "I board right away to escape the freezing air pulsing from the mummies" to be really cheesy. It reaks of someone that just learned what a metaphor is and just tries to cram any story full of them. Really it just seems out of place and throws off the pace of the story. I found myself thinking GET ON WITH IT ALREADY.


Your qualm is understood and I'm editing out the sushi one as I type, to be honest that whole section is there because originally the story was 1400 words and there was a huge chunk of story ark located where cheesy metaphors now reside, Although I agree with you those lines were pretty lame those are the only metaphors in the whole piece so they should only be a minor inconvenience.
gumshoe bullshitting at 120%~~Prplz
Please log in or register to reply.
Live Events Refresh
Next event in 1h 41m
[ Submit Event ]
Live Streams
Refresh
StarCraft 2
ProTech133
Railgan 47
SC2_NightMare 42
ForJumy 30
StarCraft: Brood War
Shuttle 2013
Larva 1000
ggaemo 888
firebathero 702
TY 292
sSak 227
Hyuk 175
Zeus 115
Hyun 64
Backho 55
[ Show more ]
Aegong 54
Sea.KH 54
Free 42
scan(afreeca) 31
Nal_rA 24
zelot 21
Terrorterran 11
Hm[arnc] 9
Shine 8
Britney 0
Dota 2
The International93290
Gorgc17732
Dendi645
Fuzer 354
XcaliburYe156
Counter-Strike
fl0m2858
Super Smash Bros
Mew2King86
Heroes of the Storm
Liquid`Hasu444
Khaldor300
Other Games
singsing1478
B2W.Neo1197
KnowMe318
JimRising 272
Hui .267
Sick260
ToD110
QueenE75
ArmadaUGS64
Organizations
StarCraft 2
angryscii 43
Blizzard YouTube
StarCraft: Brood War
BSLTrovo
sctven
[ Show 16 non-featured ]
StarCraft 2
• Adnapsc2 15
• Dystopia_ 5
• AfreecaTV YouTube
• intothetv
• Kozan
• IndyKCrew
• LaughNgamezSOOP
• Migwel
• sooper7s
StarCraft: Brood War
• blackmanpl 13
• FirePhoenix13
• BSLYoutube
• STPLYoutube
• ZZZeroYoutube
Dota 2
• WagamamaTV358
League of Legends
• Jankos1664
Upcoming Events
Maestros of the Game
1h 41m
Maru vs Lambo
herO vs ShoWTimE
BSL Team Wars
3h 41m
Team Hawk vs Team Sziky
Sparkling Tuna Cup
18h 41m
Monday Night Weeklies
1d
The PondCast
3 days
RSL Revival
3 days
Cure vs SHIN
Reynor vs Zoun
RSL Revival
4 days
Classic vs TriGGeR
ByuN vs Maru
Online Event
4 days
BSL Team Wars
5 days
Team Bonyth vs Team Dewalt
BSL Team Wars
5 days
[ Show More ]
RSL Revival
5 days
Maestros of the Game
5 days
Cosmonarchy
6 days
Bonyth vs Dewalt
[BSL 2025] Weekly
6 days
RSL Revival
6 days
Liquipedia Results

Completed

Proleague 2025-09-02
SEL Season 2 Championship
HCC Europe

Ongoing

Copa Latinoamericana 4
BSL 20 Team Wars
KCM Race Survival 2025 Season 3
BSL 21: BSL Points
ASL Season 20
CSL 2025 AUTUMN (S18)
LASL Season 20
RSL Revival: Season 2
Maestros of the Game
Chzzk MurlocKing SC1 vs SC2 Cup #2
BLAST Open Fall 2025
BLAST Open Fall Qual
Esports World Cup 2025
BLAST Bounty Fall 2025
BLAST Bounty Fall Qual
IEM Cologne 2025
FISSURE Playground #1

Upcoming

2025 Chongqing Offline CUP
BSL Polish World Championship 2025
BSL Season 21
BSL 21 Team A
EC S1
BLAST Rivals Fall 2025
IEM Chengdu 2025
PGL Masters Bucharest 2025
Thunderpick World Champ.
MESA Nomadic Masters Fall
CS Asia Championships 2025
ESL Pro League S22
StarSeries Fall 2025
FISSURE Playground #2
TLPD

1. ByuN
2. TY
3. Dark
4. Solar
5. Stats
6. Nerchio
7. sOs
8. soO
9. INnoVation
10. Elazer
1. Rain
2. Flash
3. EffOrt
4. Last
5. Bisu
6. Soulkey
7. Mini
8. Sharp
Sidebar Settings...

Advertising | Privacy Policy | Terms Of Use | Contact Us

Original banner artwork: Jim Warren
The contents of this webpage are copyright © 2025 TLnet. All Rights Reserved.