• Log InLog In
  • Register
Liquid`
Team Liquid Liquipedia
EDT 12:24
CEST 18:24
KST 01:24
  • Home
  • Forum
  • Calendar
  • Streams
  • Liquipedia
  • Features
  • Store
  • EPT
  • TL+
  • StarCraft 2
  • Brood War
  • Smash
  • Heroes
  • Counter-Strike
  • Overwatch
  • Liquibet
  • Fantasy StarCraft
  • TLPD
  • StarCraft 2
  • Brood War
  • Blogs
Forum Sidebar
Events/Features
News
Featured News
[ASL21] Ro16 Preview Pt2: All Star10Team Liquid Map Contest #22 - The Finalists16[ASL21] Ro16 Preview Pt1: Fresh Flow9[ASL21] Ro24 Preview Pt2: News Flash10[ASL21] Ro24 Preview Pt1: New Chaos0
Community News
2026 GSL Season 1 Qualifiers14Maestros of the Game 2 announced82026 GSL Tour plans announced14Weekly Cups (April 6-12): herO doubles, "Villains" prevail1MaNa leaves Team Liquid24
StarCraft 2
General
Maestros of the Game 2 announced Team Liquid Map Contest #22 - The Finalists MaNa leaves Team Liquid 2026 GSL Tour plans announced Blizzard Classic Cup @ BlizzCon 2026 - $100k prize pool
Tourneys
2026 GSL Season 1 Qualifiers Sparkling Tuna Cup - Weekly Open Tournament GSL CK: More events planned pending crowdfunding RSL Revival: Season 5 - Qualifiers and Main Event Master Swan Open (Global Bronze-Master 2)
Strategy
Custom Maps
[D]RTS in all its shapes and glory <3 [A] Nemrods 1/4 players [M] (2) Frigid Storage
External Content
Mutation # 522 Flip My Base The PondCast: SC2 News & Results Mutation # 521 Memorable Boss Mutation # 520 Moving Fees
Brood War
General
ASL21 General Discussion BGH Auto Balance -> http://bghmmr.eu/ ASL21 Strategy, Pimpest Plays Discussions Pros React To: ASL S21, Ro.16 Group C Data needed
Tourneys
[ASL21] Ro16 Group D [Megathread] Daily Proleagues [ASL21] Ro16 Group B [ASL21] Ro16 Group C
Strategy
Simple Questions, Simple Answers What's the deal with APM & what's its true value Any training maps people recommend? Fighting Spirit mining rates
Other Games
General Games
Nintendo Switch Thread Diablo IV Dawn of War IV Starcraft Tabletop Miniature Game General RTS Discussion Thread
Dota 2
The Story of Wings Gaming
League of Legends
G2 just beat GenG in First stand
Heroes of the Storm
Simple Questions, Simple Answers Heroes of the Storm 2.0
Hearthstone
Deck construction bug Heroes of StarCraft mini-set
TL Mafia
Vanilla Mini Mafia Mafia Game Mode Feedback/Ideas TL Mafia Community Thread Five o'clock TL Mafia
Community
General
US Politics Mega-thread Things Aren’t Peaceful in Palestine Canadian Politics Mega-thread Russo-Ukrainian War Thread YouTube Thread
Fan Clubs
The IdrA Fan Club
Media & Entertainment
[Manga] One Piece Anime Discussion Thread [Req][Books] Good Fantasy/SciFi books Movie Discussion!
Sports
2024 - 2026 Football Thread McBoner: A hockey love story Formula 1 Discussion Cricket [SPORT]
World Cup 2022
Tech Support
[G] How to Block Livestream Ads
TL Community
The Automated Ban List
Blogs
Sexual Health Of Gamers
TrAiDoS
lurker extra damage testi…
StaticNine
Broowar part 2
qwaykee
Funny Nicknames
LUCKY_NOOB
Iranian anarchists: organize…
XenOsky
Customize Sidebar...

Website Feedback

Closed Threads



Active: 1529 users

Short story plus hate

Blogs > gumshoe
Post a Reply
gumshoe
Profile Blog Joined December 2010
Canada3602 Posts
Last Edited: 2011-10-28 16:53:26
October 28 2011 15:04 GMT
#1
warning !ninja edits are abound-thanks for your suggestions so far!


This is a short story I wrote because of how much I love the commuting to school everyday. It's 750 words so it wont take much of your time to read.Tell me what you guys think of it(any and all feedback is greatly appreciated)


-----Public transportation in the winter is my step father, an asshole. Fifteen minutes ago I left a dog, a half eaten pop tart, hope, and dressed for the frigid bullshit of the outside world. Now I have to trek through this icy nonsense in order to miss the god damn bus.

I get to the stop and I'm not sure if I'm early or late. I ask a crowd of five frozen mummies if any of them have the time. They don’t even look at me which bugs me beyond imagination. I'm about to swear at them till my throat is raw but the bus's arrival spares them the barrage. I climb ascend the steps and greet the fat driver barely scrunched into his seat at the front of the bus. He doesn't answer me, just motions towards the till. I spend a long time fishing for change and finally manage to piece $3.25 together. I toss the change at the driver and thrust ahead into a small pack of six people occupying a space that looks to be only capable of supporting two. But just before I manage to disappear into the crowd a crushing grip takes hold of my left wrist. A second later I hear the driver say, “Sorry kid, fair just got raised.”

I see a silver glint. I hear a ‘swoosh’. I feel an incredible lightness and I smell and taste blood. When I turn around the bus driver is holding up a bloody cleaver in his left hand and MY left hand in his right. I stare at the space where my frost bitten fingers should be right now, but all I see is a fountain of blood. The driver takes hold of my stump just before it erupts and does a fairly expert job of bandaging it. He turns back to the road and keeps on rolling.
I feel as if I should be shocked or outraged, but I honestly just feel a bit empty, and not at all surprised. After all, it's the YRT. What does surprise me is the fact that I hadn’t noticed when I got on the bus that everyone else was missing their left hand.

I cry out to my fellow cripples, “Hey assholes! They cut off our hands!” No one replies, so I call again. I get one response from a guy sitting to my right: without looking away from his Ipad he says, “Just sit down bud, quit rocking the boat”

I smash the Ipad out of his hands and shout, “Who’s rocking the boat now?” He hits me. I do likewise and when a few of those hits miss their marks and land in the crowd, the fight gets bigger. A minute later, chaos has erupted. Children are pulling each other's hair and grandmas are clawing at each others’ throats.

Eventually the great brawl comes to an end. The victor is the one guy who'd bought a working bus pass, the only non-amputee onboard. At his two hands the passengers had suffered a terrible defeat. The uneven brawl forces them to realize that they may never win another fight again. The passengers grow to be every bit as angry as I am, and they converge at the bus driver as if to tear him apart. “This is bull! I want my hand back!” “Yeah, I'm already late for work! I demand a refund!” “Hey, why did you only take left hands?! Is it because you think everyone is right-handed?! Well I'm a leftie, and I won’t stand for this discrimination!” On and on they rage like the best runner-ups mourning their loss in the aftermath of a neck-and-neck race.

In the midst of the driver’s roast the bus comes to a screeching halt. A quick glance reveals the stop to be my destination. I ask the guy from before if he could check the time for me on his Ipad. He looks at me with a furrowed brow and a pair of tight lips, doesn’t say a thing, and just clutches his Ipad tightly against his chest. Not entirely able to mask my disappointment I turn away and head toward the exit. I'm one foot out the door when I just barely hear the man with the Ipad yell above the voices of the increasingly angry passengers “Its 8:25!” His words declare me to be miraculously on time.------

Do you hate the bus? Share your transit horror stories here! It'll be contextual!


**
gumshoe bullshitting at 120%~~Prplz
Horuku
Profile Blog Joined August 2010
United States405 Posts
October 28 2011 15:24 GMT
#2
I found your over use of metaphors like "I ask a crowd of five frozen mummies", "I'm about to swear at them till my throats rawer than sushi" and "I board right away to escape the freezing air pulsing from the mummies" to be really cheesy. It reaks of someone that just learned what a metaphor is and just tries to cram any story full of them. Really it just seems out of place and throws off the pace of the story. I found myself thinking GET ON WITH IT ALREADY.
d<^^>b
HackBenjamin
Profile Blog Joined January 2011
Canada1094 Posts
October 28 2011 15:32 GMT
#3
Interesting. But if the bus driver cut off everyones left, how did you grab the iPad out of his hands? O.o
gumshoe
Profile Blog Joined December 2010
Canada3602 Posts
October 28 2011 16:58 GMT
#4
On October 29 2011 00:24 Horuku wrote:
I found your over use of metaphors like "I ask a crowd of five frozen mummies", "I'm about to swear at them till my throats rawer than sushi" and "I board right away to escape the freezing air pulsing from the mummies" to be really cheesy. It reaks of someone that just learned what a metaphor is and just tries to cram any story full of them. Really it just seems out of place and throws off the pace of the story. I found myself thinking GET ON WITH IT ALREADY.


Your qualm is understood and I'm editing out the sushi one as I type, to be honest that whole section is there because originally the story was 1400 words and there was a huge chunk of story ark located where cheesy metaphors now reside, Although I agree with you those lines were pretty lame those are the only metaphors in the whole piece so they should only be a minor inconvenience.
gumshoe bullshitting at 120%~~Prplz
Please log in or register to reply.
Live Events Refresh
OSC
15:00
King of the Hill #245
SteadfastSC124
Liquipedia
[ Submit Event ]
Live Streams
Refresh
StarCraft 2
Reynor 623
Hui .162
SteadfastSC 124
UpATreeSC 56
StarCraft: Brood War
Britney 23907
Sea 8316
BeSt 1089
EffOrt 803
Mini 699
Larva 612
Soma 588
Light 485
Stork 380
Snow 250
[ Show more ]
firebathero 243
ZerO 211
Soulkey 209
Leta 208
hero 167
Hyun 70
JYJ 62
Sharp 47
Barracks 40
Sea.KH 37
Aegong 33
Rock 21
Sexy 19
sorry 19
Terrorterran 17
HiyA 15
IntoTheRainbow 12
zelot 11
GoRush 7
Shine 6
Dota 2
Gorgc6344
qojqva1896
Counter-Strike
fl0m1571
byalli692
allub297
Super Smash Bros
Mew2King58
Heroes of the Storm
MindelVK10
Other Games
FrodaN1305
B2W.Neo846
DeMusliM426
ArmadaUGS322
ceh9303
QueenE134
KnowMe132
XaKoH 111
crisheroes106
RotterdaM80
Trikslyr55
ZerO(Twitch)13
Organizations
Dota 2
PGL Dota 2 - Main Stream14580
Other Games
BasetradeTV273
StarCraft 2
Blizzard YouTube
StarCraft: Brood War
BSLTrovo
[ Show 19 non-featured ]
StarCraft 2
• poizon28 32
• LUISG 24
• Kozan
• Migwel
• AfreecaTV YouTube
• sooper7s
• intothetv
• IndyKCrew
• LaughNgamezSOOP
StarCraft: Brood War
• HerbMon 15
• Azhi_Dahaki3
• FirePhoenix3
• Michael_bg 2
• STPLYoutube
• ZZZeroYoutube
• BSLYoutube
Dota 2
• WagamamaTV339
League of Legends
• Nemesis2672
Other Games
• Shiphtur206
Upcoming Events
Replay Cast
7h 36m
Escore
17h 36m
RSL Revival
1d
Replay Cast
1d 7h
WardiTV Map Contest Tou…
1d 18h
Universe Titan Cup
1d 18h
Rogue vs Percival
Ladder Legends
1d 22h
uThermal 2v2 Circuit
1d 22h
BSL
2 days
Sparkling Tuna Cup
2 days
[ Show More ]
WardiTV Map Contest Tou…
2 days
Ladder Legends
2 days
BSL
3 days
CranKy Ducklings
3 days
Replay Cast
3 days
Wardi Open
3 days
Afreeca Starleague
3 days
Soma vs hero
Monday Night Weeklies
3 days
Replay Cast
4 days
Replay Cast
4 days
Afreeca Starleague
4 days
Leta vs YSC
Replay Cast
6 days
The PondCast
6 days
Liquipedia Results

Completed

Proleague 2026-04-22
RSL Revival: Season 4
NationLESS Cup

Ongoing

BSL Season 22
ASL Season 21
CSL 2026 SPRING (S20)
IPSL Spring 2026
KCM Race Survival 2026 Season 2
StarCraft2 Community Team League 2026 Spring
WardiTV TLMC #16
Nations Cup 2026
IEM Rio 2026
PGL Bucharest 2026
Stake Ranked Episode 1
BLAST Open Spring 2026
ESL Pro League S23 Finals
ESL Pro League S23 Stage 1&2
PGL Cluj-Napoca 2026
IEM Kraków 2026

Upcoming

Escore Tournament S2: W4
Acropolis #4
BSL 22 Non-Korean Championship
CSLAN 4
Kung Fu Cup 2026 Grand Finals
HSC XXIX
uThermal 2v2 2026 Main Event
Maestros of the Game 2
2026 GSL S2
RSL Revival: Season 5
2026 GSL S1
XSE Pro League 2026
IEM Cologne Major 2026
Stake Ranked Episode 2
CS Asia Championships 2026
Asian Champions League 2026
IEM Atlanta 2026
PGL Astana 2026
BLAST Rivals Spring 2026
TLPD

1. ByuN
2. TY
3. Dark
4. Solar
5. Stats
6. Nerchio
7. sOs
8. soO
9. INnoVation
10. Elazer
1. Rain
2. Flash
3. EffOrt
4. Last
5. Bisu
6. Soulkey
7. Mini
8. Sharp
Sidebar Settings...

Advertising | Privacy Policy | Terms Of Use | Contact Us

Original banner artwork: Jim Warren
The contents of this webpage are copyright © 2026 TLnet. All Rights Reserved.