• Log InLog In
  • Register
Liquid`
Team Liquid Liquipedia
EDT 00:19
CEST 06:19
KST 13:19
  • Home
  • Forum
  • Calendar
  • Streams
  • Liquipedia
  • Features
  • Store
  • EPT
  • TL+
  • StarCraft 2
  • Brood War
  • Smash
  • Heroes
  • Counter-Strike
  • Overwatch
  • Liquibet
  • Fantasy StarCraft
  • TLPD
  • StarCraft 2
  • Brood War
  • Blogs
Forum Sidebar
Events/Features
News
Featured News
[ASL22] Ro24 Preview: Siren's Call8[ASL22] Ro24 Preview: Summer's End9Serral wins HomeStory Cup 2915Serral wins Maestros of the Game 244ByuL, and the Limitations of Standard Play3
Community News
Official StarCraft website teases new content ahead of BlizzCon?83Stellar Fest TWO the Moon (Dec 16-20)9Weekly Cups (August 24-30): Patches' balance mod takes over3New 3v3 BGH Ladder (and more) on ShieldBattery!40Weekly Cups (August 17-23): Zerg dominate the week6
StarCraft 2
General
Nexon wins bid to develop StarCraft IP content, distribute Overwatch mobile game SC4ALL: II Winner Will Earn a Spot at HSC 30! Weekly Cups (August 24-30): Patches' balance mod takes over Balance hotfix patch 5.0.16b (July 16) September World Ranking: herO leads, Serral climbs
Tourneys
2026 GSTL Announcement Sparkling Tuna Cup - Weekly Open Tournament Stellar Fest TWO the Moon (Dec 16-20) IntoTheTV X SOOP SC2 League : Weekly & Monthly SC2 INu's Battles#20 [BO.9]
Strategy
[G] Having the right mentality to improve
Custom Maps
Nexus Wars 2021 GUIDE [M] (2) Industrial Park
External Content
Mutation # 541 Binary Choice The PondCast: SC2 News & Results Mutation # 540 Dodge This Mutation # 539 Thunder Dome
Brood War
General
Gypsy to Korea Official StarCraft website teases new content ahead of BlizzCon? BGH Auto Balance -> http://bghmmr.eu/ ASL22 General Discussion BW General Discussion
Tourneys
Brood War in Budapest ! WORTEX 2026 BW Finals KCM Race Survival 2026 Season 3 [Megathread] Daily Proleagues BSL LAN Party - Kraków 29-30 August - OPEN SIGNUPS
Strategy
Odyssey Mineral Stack Saturation Replay Review Process - What do you do? Game Theory for Starcraft Fighting Spirit mining rates
Other Games
General Games
Nintendo Switch Thread Diablo IV EVE Corporation [Maplestory Hardcore] Let's Play~!! General RTS Discussion Thread
Dota 2
Official 'what is Dota anymore' discussion
League of Legends
[TL LoL EUW IHs] Teemo shall perish TSM pausing esports and CLG Dead
Heroes of the Storm
Heroes of the Storm 2.0
Hearthstone
Deck construction bug
TL Mafia
TL Mafia Power Rank TL Mafia Community Thread NeO.D_StephenKing vs This Guy From 1 Million Dance
Community
General
US Politics Mega-thread Things Aren’t Peaceful in Palestine Artificial Intelligence Thread Canadian Politics Mega-thread UK Politics Mega-thread
Fan Clubs
MarineLorD Fan Club The Creator Fan Club The ShoWTimE Fan Club
Media & Entertainment
Movie Discussion! Anime Discussion Thread
Sports
Football (Soccer) Thread TeamLiquid Health and Fitness Initiative For 2023 MLB/Baseball 2023 NBA General Discussion
World Cup 2022
Tech Support
Computer Build, Upgrade & Buying Resource Thread
TL Community
The Automated Ban List Northern Ireland Global Starcraft
Blogs
Dreaming of BW patches (mod…
c3rberUs
Regacy Esports: The Bh…
regacyesports
Violent Games and Crime Rate…
TrAiDoS
LOCKPICKING NOOB
LUCKY_NOOB
Cathedral Of CS And NY pizza a…
FuDDx
Customize Sidebar...

Website Feedback

Closed Threads



Active: 7219 users

Short story plus hate

Blogs > gumshoe
Post a Reply
gumshoe
Profile Blog Joined December 2010
Canada3602 Posts
Last Edited: 2011-10-28 16:53:26
October 28 2011 15:04 GMT
#1
warning !ninja edits are abound-thanks for your suggestions so far!


This is a short story I wrote because of how much I love the commuting to school everyday. It's 750 words so it wont take much of your time to read.Tell me what you guys think of it(any and all feedback is greatly appreciated)


-----Public transportation in the winter is my step father, an asshole. Fifteen minutes ago I left a dog, a half eaten pop tart, hope, and dressed for the frigid bullshit of the outside world. Now I have to trek through this icy nonsense in order to miss the god damn bus.

I get to the stop and I'm not sure if I'm early or late. I ask a crowd of five frozen mummies if any of them have the time. They don’t even look at me which bugs me beyond imagination. I'm about to swear at them till my throat is raw but the bus's arrival spares them the barrage. I climb ascend the steps and greet the fat driver barely scrunched into his seat at the front of the bus. He doesn't answer me, just motions towards the till. I spend a long time fishing for change and finally manage to piece $3.25 together. I toss the change at the driver and thrust ahead into a small pack of six people occupying a space that looks to be only capable of supporting two. But just before I manage to disappear into the crowd a crushing grip takes hold of my left wrist. A second later I hear the driver say, “Sorry kid, fair just got raised.”

I see a silver glint. I hear a ‘swoosh’. I feel an incredible lightness and I smell and taste blood. When I turn around the bus driver is holding up a bloody cleaver in his left hand and MY left hand in his right. I stare at the space where my frost bitten fingers should be right now, but all I see is a fountain of blood. The driver takes hold of my stump just before it erupts and does a fairly expert job of bandaging it. He turns back to the road and keeps on rolling.
I feel as if I should be shocked or outraged, but I honestly just feel a bit empty, and not at all surprised. After all, it's the YRT. What does surprise me is the fact that I hadn’t noticed when I got on the bus that everyone else was missing their left hand.

I cry out to my fellow cripples, “Hey assholes! They cut off our hands!” No one replies, so I call again. I get one response from a guy sitting to my right: without looking away from his Ipad he says, “Just sit down bud, quit rocking the boat”

I smash the Ipad out of his hands and shout, “Who’s rocking the boat now?” He hits me. I do likewise and when a few of those hits miss their marks and land in the crowd, the fight gets bigger. A minute later, chaos has erupted. Children are pulling each other's hair and grandmas are clawing at each others’ throats.

Eventually the great brawl comes to an end. The victor is the one guy who'd bought a working bus pass, the only non-amputee onboard. At his two hands the passengers had suffered a terrible defeat. The uneven brawl forces them to realize that they may never win another fight again. The passengers grow to be every bit as angry as I am, and they converge at the bus driver as if to tear him apart. “This is bull! I want my hand back!” “Yeah, I'm already late for work! I demand a refund!” “Hey, why did you only take left hands?! Is it because you think everyone is right-handed?! Well I'm a leftie, and I won’t stand for this discrimination!” On and on they rage like the best runner-ups mourning their loss in the aftermath of a neck-and-neck race.

In the midst of the driver’s roast the bus comes to a screeching halt. A quick glance reveals the stop to be my destination. I ask the guy from before if he could check the time for me on his Ipad. He looks at me with a furrowed brow and a pair of tight lips, doesn’t say a thing, and just clutches his Ipad tightly against his chest. Not entirely able to mask my disappointment I turn away and head toward the exit. I'm one foot out the door when I just barely hear the man with the Ipad yell above the voices of the increasingly angry passengers “Its 8:25!” His words declare me to be miraculously on time.------

Do you hate the bus? Share your transit horror stories here! It'll be contextual!


**
gumshoe bullshitting at 120%~~Prplz
Horuku
Profile Blog Joined August 2010
United States405 Posts
October 28 2011 15:24 GMT
#2
I found your over use of metaphors like "I ask a crowd of five frozen mummies", "I'm about to swear at them till my throats rawer than sushi" and "I board right away to escape the freezing air pulsing from the mummies" to be really cheesy. It reaks of someone that just learned what a metaphor is and just tries to cram any story full of them. Really it just seems out of place and throws off the pace of the story. I found myself thinking GET ON WITH IT ALREADY.
d<^^>b
HackBenjamin
Profile Blog Joined January 2011
Canada1094 Posts
October 28 2011 15:32 GMT
#3
Interesting. But if the bus driver cut off everyones left, how did you grab the iPad out of his hands? O.o
gumshoe
Profile Blog Joined December 2010
Canada3602 Posts
October 28 2011 16:58 GMT
#4
On October 29 2011 00:24 Horuku wrote:
I found your over use of metaphors like "I ask a crowd of five frozen mummies", "I'm about to swear at them till my throats rawer than sushi" and "I board right away to escape the freezing air pulsing from the mummies" to be really cheesy. It reaks of someone that just learned what a metaphor is and just tries to cram any story full of them. Really it just seems out of place and throws off the pace of the story. I found myself thinking GET ON WITH IT ALREADY.


Your qualm is understood and I'm editing out the sushi one as I type, to be honest that whole section is there because originally the story was 1400 words and there was a huge chunk of story ark located where cheesy metaphors now reside, Although I agree with you those lines were pretty lame those are the only metaphors in the whole piece so they should only be a minor inconvenience.
gumshoe bullshitting at 120%~~Prplz
Please log in or register to reply.
Live Events Refresh
Next event in 5h 41m
[ Submit Event ]
Live Streams
Refresh
StarCraft 2
WinterStarcraft520
RuFF_SC2 221
StarCraft: Brood War
Britney 11433
Shuttle 1824
ggaemo 258
Hyuk 230
actioN 223
Stork 180
Shinee 64
sSak 58
soO 23
Terrorterran 16
[ Show more ]
Noble 14
Yoon 7
Icarus 5
Dota 2
NeuroSwarm177
League of Legends
JimRising 865
Counter-Strike
minikerr63
Super Smash Bros
Mew2King69
Heroes of the Storm
Khaldor144
Other Games
summit1g7932
PiGStarcraft303
XaKoH 175
ViBE66
Organizations
Other Games
gamesdonequick750
BasetradeTV78
[ Show 13 non-featured ]
StarCraft 2
• Berry_CruncH242
• practicex 41
• Sammyuel 1
• AfreecaTV YouTube
• intothetv
• Kozan
• IndyKCrew
• Migwel
StarCraft: Brood War
• Light_VIP 36
• BSLYoutube
• STPLYoutube
• ZZZeroYoutube
League of Legends
• Rush1009
Upcoming Events
Sparkling Tuna Cup
5h 41m
OSC
7h 41m
Shopify Rebellion Sundays
10h 41m
Mixu vs TBD
Spirit vs TBD
Clem vs TBD
Patches Events
11h 41m
OSC
19h 41m
Afreeca Starleague
1d 5h
Soma vs Shuttle
BeSt vs Rush
WardiTV Weekly
1d 6h
Monday Night Weeklies
1d 11h
Afreeca Starleague
2 days
Leta vs ggaemo
Jaedong vs Queen
GSL
2 days
[ Show More ]
PiGosaur Cup
2 days
Kung Fu Cup
3 days
Replay Cast
3 days
The PondCast
4 days
KCM Race Survival
4 days
Escore
5 days
IntoTheTV X SOOP
5 days
CranKy Ducklings
6 days
Liquipedia Results

Completed

Proleague 2026-09-02
PiG Sty Festival 8.0
Light Tournament 2026

Ongoing

KCM Race Survival 2026 Season 3
K-JUNGMAN
ASL Season 22
Super Anchor Qualifying S3
CSL 2026 AUTUMN (S22)
Acropolis #5
Acropolis #5 - TRS
RSL Revival: Season 6
Calamity Invitational
Big Dog Cup 2026 Div 1
BLAST Open Fall 2026
Esports World Cup 2026
Esports World Cup 2026: LCQ
BLAST Bounty Summer 2026
BLAST Bounty Summer Qual
Stake Ranked Episode 3
XSE Pro League 2026

Upcoming

Escore Tournament S3: King of Kings
Blizzard Classic Cup 2026
Acropolis #5 - GSA
Acropolis #5 - GSB
Acropolis #5 - GSC
SC4ALL II: Brood War
HSC XXX
Stellar Fest 2: Lunar Cup
SC4ALL II: StarCraft II
Kung Fu Cup 2026 Grand Finals
RSL Offline Finals
BLAST Rivals Fall 2026
IEM Beijing 2026
Stake Ranked Episode 5
PGL Masters Bucharest 2026
1win Private Club #2
Thunderpick World Champ. '26
ESL Pro League Season 24
Stake Ranked Episode 4
1win Private Club #1
Logitech G Play Connect 2026
SL StarSeries Fall 2026
FISSURE Playground #3
TLPD

1. ByuN
2. TY
3. Dark
4. Solar
5. Stats
6. Nerchio
7. sOs
8. soO
9. INnoVation
10. Elazer
1. Rain
2. Flash
3. EffOrt
4. Last
5. Bisu
6. Soulkey
7. Mini
8. Sharp
Sidebar Settings...

Advertising | Privacy Policy | Terms Of Use | Contact Us

Original banner artwork: Jim Warren
The contents of this webpage are copyright © 2026 TLnet. All Rights Reserved.