• Log InLog In
  • Register
Liquid`
Team Liquid Liquipedia
EDT 13:03
CEST 19:03
KST 02:03
  • Home
  • Forum
  • Calendar
  • Streams
  • Liquipedia
  • Features
  • Store
  • EPT
  • TL+
  • StarCraft 2
  • Brood War
  • Smash
  • Heroes
  • Counter-Strike
  • Overwatch
  • Liquibet
  • Fantasy StarCraft
  • TLPD
  • StarCraft 2
  • Brood War
  • Blogs
Forum Sidebar
Events/Features
News
Featured News
Team Liquid Map Contest #22: Results and Winners7Code S Season 2 (2026): RO4 and Finals Preview12TL.net Map Contest #22 - Voting & Ladder Map Selection7Code S Season 2 (2026) - RO8 Preview8[ASL21] Finals Preview: Two Legacies21
Community News
ZeroSpace at Steam NextFest - Last free demo20Weekly Cups (June 8-14): Clem and Solar double, PTR tested0RSL: S6 Finals played at BlizzCon 202611Douyu Cup 2026: $20,000 Legends Event (June 26-28)12[BSL22] Non-Korean Championship from 13 to 28 June4
StarCraft 2
General
StarCraft II 5.0.16 PTR Patch Notes may 26th Daily SC2 Player Grid - feedback wanted Is the larve respawn broken? Yamato Cup Series What kind of tool would you be interested in?
Tourneys
Douyu Cup 2026: $20,000 Legends Event (June 26-28) GSL CK #4 20-21th June Sparkling Tuna Cup - Weekly Open Tournament Master Swan Open (Global Bronze-Master 2) Crank Gathers Season 4: BW vs SC2 Team League
Strategy
[G] Having the right mentality to improve
Custom Maps
Work In Progress Melee Maps [D]RTS in all its shapes and glory <3
External Content
The PondCast: SC2 News & Results Mutation # 531 Experimental Artillery Mutation # 530 One For All Mutation # 529 Opportunities Unleashed
Brood War
General
Fact based Zerg Upgrade Tier List BGH Auto Balance -> http://bghmmr.eu/ STARCRAFT MOVIE - Last Night at the Command center BW General Discussion Battle cruiser feet vs Carrier fleet
Tourneys
CSLAN 4 is Coming! [Megathread] Daily Proleagues Small VOD Thread 2.0 The Casual Games of the Week Thread
Strategy
Why doesn't anyone use restoration? Simple Questions, Simple Answers Relatively freeroll strategies Creating a full chart of Zerg builds
Other Games
General Games
Beyond All Reason Stormgate/Frost Giant Megathread Nintendo Switch Thread Path of Exile ZeroSpace at Steam NextFest - Last free demo
Dota 2
Looking for a Dota Mentor Official 'what is Dota anymore' discussion
League of Legends
Heroes of the Storm
Simple Questions, Simple Answers Heroes of the Storm 2.0
Hearthstone
Deck construction bug
TL Mafia
Vanilla Mini Mafia
Community
General
US Politics Mega-thread Russo-Ukrainian War Thread [H]Internet/Gaming Cafe Tips and Tricks The Games Industry And ATVI UK Politics Mega-thread
Fan Clubs
The HerO Fan Club! The herO Fan Club!
Media & Entertainment
Movie Discussion! [Req][Books] Good Fantasy/SciFi books [TV/BOOK] *SPOILERS* Game of Thrones Discussion
Sports
2024 - 2026 Football Thread McBoner: A hockey love story TeamLiquid Health and Fitness Initiative For 2023 Formula 1 Discussion Cricket [SPORT]
World Cup 2022
Tech Support
Computer Build, Upgrade & Buying Resource Thread Facing Challenges in Mobile App Development
TL Community
The Automated Ban List
Blogs
ICO Development for AI, G…
Joshlittle
How To Predict Tilt in Espor…
TrAiDoS
An Exploration of th…
waywardstrategy
I'm an arrogant trash talke…
FlaShFTW
Gauntlet SC2: A Retrospectiv…
Ctone23
Customize Sidebar...

Website Feedback

Closed Threads



Active: 5838 users

Short story plus hate

Blogs > gumshoe
Post a Reply
gumshoe
Profile Blog Joined December 2010
Canada3602 Posts
Last Edited: 2011-10-28 16:53:26
October 28 2011 15:04 GMT
#1
warning !ninja edits are abound-thanks for your suggestions so far!


This is a short story I wrote because of how much I love the commuting to school everyday. It's 750 words so it wont take much of your time to read.Tell me what you guys think of it(any and all feedback is greatly appreciated)


-----Public transportation in the winter is my step father, an asshole. Fifteen minutes ago I left a dog, a half eaten pop tart, hope, and dressed for the frigid bullshit of the outside world. Now I have to trek through this icy nonsense in order to miss the god damn bus.

I get to the stop and I'm not sure if I'm early or late. I ask a crowd of five frozen mummies if any of them have the time. They don’t even look at me which bugs me beyond imagination. I'm about to swear at them till my throat is raw but the bus's arrival spares them the barrage. I climb ascend the steps and greet the fat driver barely scrunched into his seat at the front of the bus. He doesn't answer me, just motions towards the till. I spend a long time fishing for change and finally manage to piece $3.25 together. I toss the change at the driver and thrust ahead into a small pack of six people occupying a space that looks to be only capable of supporting two. But just before I manage to disappear into the crowd a crushing grip takes hold of my left wrist. A second later I hear the driver say, “Sorry kid, fair just got raised.”

I see a silver glint. I hear a ‘swoosh’. I feel an incredible lightness and I smell and taste blood. When I turn around the bus driver is holding up a bloody cleaver in his left hand and MY left hand in his right. I stare at the space where my frost bitten fingers should be right now, but all I see is a fountain of blood. The driver takes hold of my stump just before it erupts and does a fairly expert job of bandaging it. He turns back to the road and keeps on rolling.
I feel as if I should be shocked or outraged, but I honestly just feel a bit empty, and not at all surprised. After all, it's the YRT. What does surprise me is the fact that I hadn’t noticed when I got on the bus that everyone else was missing their left hand.

I cry out to my fellow cripples, “Hey assholes! They cut off our hands!” No one replies, so I call again. I get one response from a guy sitting to my right: without looking away from his Ipad he says, “Just sit down bud, quit rocking the boat”

I smash the Ipad out of his hands and shout, “Who’s rocking the boat now?” He hits me. I do likewise and when a few of those hits miss their marks and land in the crowd, the fight gets bigger. A minute later, chaos has erupted. Children are pulling each other's hair and grandmas are clawing at each others’ throats.

Eventually the great brawl comes to an end. The victor is the one guy who'd bought a working bus pass, the only non-amputee onboard. At his two hands the passengers had suffered a terrible defeat. The uneven brawl forces them to realize that they may never win another fight again. The passengers grow to be every bit as angry as I am, and they converge at the bus driver as if to tear him apart. “This is bull! I want my hand back!” “Yeah, I'm already late for work! I demand a refund!” “Hey, why did you only take left hands?! Is it because you think everyone is right-handed?! Well I'm a leftie, and I won’t stand for this discrimination!” On and on they rage like the best runner-ups mourning their loss in the aftermath of a neck-and-neck race.

In the midst of the driver’s roast the bus comes to a screeching halt. A quick glance reveals the stop to be my destination. I ask the guy from before if he could check the time for me on his Ipad. He looks at me with a furrowed brow and a pair of tight lips, doesn’t say a thing, and just clutches his Ipad tightly against his chest. Not entirely able to mask my disappointment I turn away and head toward the exit. I'm one foot out the door when I just barely hear the man with the Ipad yell above the voices of the increasingly angry passengers “Its 8:25!” His words declare me to be miraculously on time.------

Do you hate the bus? Share your transit horror stories here! It'll be contextual!


**
gumshoe bullshitting at 120%~~Prplz
Horuku
Profile Blog Joined August 2010
United States405 Posts
October 28 2011 15:24 GMT
#2
I found your over use of metaphors like "I ask a crowd of five frozen mummies", "I'm about to swear at them till my throats rawer than sushi" and "I board right away to escape the freezing air pulsing from the mummies" to be really cheesy. It reaks of someone that just learned what a metaphor is and just tries to cram any story full of them. Really it just seems out of place and throws off the pace of the story. I found myself thinking GET ON WITH IT ALREADY.
d<^^>b
HackBenjamin
Profile Blog Joined January 2011
Canada1094 Posts
October 28 2011 15:32 GMT
#3
Interesting. But if the bus driver cut off everyones left, how did you grab the iPad out of his hands? O.o
gumshoe
Profile Blog Joined December 2010
Canada3602 Posts
October 28 2011 16:58 GMT
#4
On October 29 2011 00:24 Horuku wrote:
I found your over use of metaphors like "I ask a crowd of five frozen mummies", "I'm about to swear at them till my throats rawer than sushi" and "I board right away to escape the freezing air pulsing from the mummies" to be really cheesy. It reaks of someone that just learned what a metaphor is and just tries to cram any story full of them. Really it just seems out of place and throws off the pace of the story. I found myself thinking GET ON WITH IT ALREADY.


Your qualm is understood and I'm editing out the sushi one as I type, to be honest that whole section is there because originally the story was 1400 words and there was a huge chunk of story ark located where cheesy metaphors now reside, Although I agree with you those lines were pretty lame those are the only metaphors in the whole piece so they should only be a minor inconvenience.
gumshoe bullshitting at 120%~~Prplz
Please log in or register to reply.
Live Events Refresh
Monday Night Weeklies
16:00
#57
RotterdaM602
TaKeTV 354
TKL 271
IndyStarCraft 131
SteadfastSC116
BRAT_OK 94
HolyHit8
LiquipediaDiscussion
[ Submit Event ]
Live Streams
Refresh
StarCraft 2
RotterdaM 602
ByuN 484
TKL 271
Clem_sc2 233
mouzHeroMarine 210
IndyStarCraft 131
SteadfastSC 116
BRAT_OK 94
trigger 34
RushiSC 21
StarCraft: Brood War
Calm 7655
Horang2 1087
Shuttle 818
EffOrt 641
Mini 337
Soulkey 209
Mong 190
Leta 112
Sharp 102
Snow 99
[ Show more ]
Sea.KH 55
hero 52
Movie 32
Terrorterran 27
scan(afreeca) 22
zelot 22
Rock 12
Sacsri 7
Dota 2
qojqva2485
420jenkins245
Counter-Strike
fl0m1994
Sick193
adren_tv53
Heroes of the Storm
MindelVK20
Other Games
singsing1876
FrodaN674
Lowko657
Beastyqt497
ceh9361
PiGStarcraft298
C9.Mang0152
KnowMe87
Trikslyr50
Dewaltoss13
OptimusSC22
Organizations
Dota 2
PGL Dota 2 - Main Stream6018
StarCraft 2
Blizzard YouTube
StarCraft: Brood War
BSLTrovo
[ Show 14 non-featured ]
StarCraft 2
• AfreecaTV YouTube
• intothetv
• Kozan
• IndyKCrew
• LaughNgamezSOOP
• Migwel
• sooper7s
StarCraft: Brood War
• FirePhoenix3
• BSLYoutube
• STPLYoutube
• ZZZeroYoutube
League of Legends
• Nemesis2929
• TFBlade776
Other Games
• WagamamaTV181
Upcoming Events
Sparkling Tuna Cup
16h 57m
The PondCast
1d 16h
Douyu Cup 2020
2 days
Oliveira vs Trap
Jieshi vs XY
soO vs FanTaSy
TY vs Coffee
Douyu Cup 2020
3 days
Neeb vs Impact
MacSed vs Cyan
Scarlett vs Kelazhur
INnoVation vs Dear
Douyu Cup 2020
4 days
Maestros of the Game
4 days
herO vs Classic
Maru vs Serral
BSL22 NKC (BSL vs China)
4 days
Douyu Cup 2020
5 days
BSL22 NKC (BSL vs China)
5 days
Online Event
5 days
[ Show More ]
RSL Revival
6 days
RSL Revival
6 days
WardiTV Weekly
6 days
Liquipedia Results

Completed

Proleague 2026-06-19
WardiTV Spring 2026
Heroes Pulsing #2

Ongoing

IPSL Spring 2026
Acropolis #4
CSCL: Masked Kings S4
YSL S3
BSL 22 Non-Korean Championship
CSL Season 21: Qualifier 1
SCTL 2026 Spring
Maestros of the Game 2
Murky Cup 2026
IEM Cologne Major 2026
Stake Ranked Episode 2
CS Asia Championships 2026
Asian Champions League 2026
IEM Atlanta 2026
PGL Astana 2026
BLAST Rivals Spring 2026
IEM Rio 2026
PGL Bucharest 2026

Upcoming

CSL Season 21: Qualifier 2
CSL 2026 Summer (S21)
CSLAN 4
Blizzard Classic Cup 2026
Kung Fu Cup 2026 Grand Finals
RSL Revival: Season 6
CranK Gathers Season 4: BW vs SC2 Team League
HSC XXIX
Douyu Cup 2026
BCC 2026
Light Tournament 2026
Eternal Conflict S2 Finale
Eternal Conflict S2 E1
Heroes Pulsing #3
BLAST Open Fall 2026
Esports World Cup 2026
BLAST Bounty Summer 2026
BLAST Bounty Summer Qual
Stake Ranked Episode 3
XSE Pro League 2026
TLPD

1. ByuN
2. TY
3. Dark
4. Solar
5. Stats
6. Nerchio
7. sOs
8. soO
9. INnoVation
10. Elazer
1. Rain
2. Flash
3. EffOrt
4. Last
5. Bisu
6. Soulkey
7. Mini
8. Sharp
Sidebar Settings...

Advertising | Privacy Policy | Terms Of Use | Contact Us

Original banner artwork: Jim Warren
The contents of this webpage are copyright © 2026 TLnet. All Rights Reserved.