Around the time of mid February this year, I began to suspect a large part of my general unhappiness and confused approach to my own identity was due to dissatisfaction with being a male. Throughout childhood I had been ridiculed, bullied, and generally ostracized for my personal interests as they were considered effeminate or more crudely "gay" or "faggy" . I personally never really associated recreational activities with gender identity. I saw things much more simply. Cooking and gardening were simply cooking and gardening, not masculine, not feminine, just an activity that some were inclined to enjoy and others were not. While others looked upon me as being effeminate I never really saw it. I knew and was very comfortable with the fact that I was, biologically, a male.
I never put any serious consideration as to whether I wanted to be something else until my interests in female fashion grew. I began to realize I had a lot of struggles maintaining friendships with men because of the lack of platonic physical affection and the general disinterest in discussing personal feelings and experiences. With women I found it quite easy to get along. I've always liked to talk about my feelings and being able to be physically close to my friends without feeling out of place or whatever. I found myself with a huge number of female friends, very few male friends, and a newfound interest in crossdressing.
So I had a major gender identity crisis. I had accepted that, in basically every aspect of my life, I would feel more comfortable if I were a woman. But there were major cons.
The first and most obvious is that making a physical transformation from one sex to the other is an arduous and difficult task and given my size of 6'3 and broad shouldered frame I would probably never achieve a state of physical attractiveness that I found comfortable. Secondly, I have always found myself primarily, I'd say 80/20 in my case, attracted to women sexually. The thought of being with a man was rarely arousing except during strange moods or drunken fantasies and I would be severely limiting my relationship opportunities and putting a huge dent in my potential sex life.
I guess now I have come to see myself as not having much of a gender identity. I care very little about being a "man" and if I could wave a magic wand and become an attractive and petite female, I think I almost certainly would. I don't know how to identify myself because I currently place no particular importance or value on my inner sense of gender identity and I suppose I am now more satisfied than I previously had been with my physical sex. I suppose that's all my thoughts on the matter and I wonder if I will ever have another period in which my desire to be a woman is rekindled or perhaps even seriously nurtured. I feel pretty neutral on the matter in regards to being male or female at the moment. I have no particular desire to be anything. My sex drive has diminished almost completely. I experience sexual arousal maybe once seriously every couple of days, despite being in a relationship with a girl who I am very physically attracted to, I rarely experience serious lust and I worry it will become an obstacle to our sex life (yet to begin, as it is a long distance relationship and we aren't to meet until December). I don't really know. I'm not looking for therapy or answers I guess I'm just sharing my experience. I'm more than willing to discuss it though. Don't worry about offending me if you say something stupid and mean I'll just make a non sequitur remark or something whatever i don't think i've ever posted it before but i've read quite a bit from trans posters on TL so this is my story i guess maybe it's interesting to you
From your description, I think it is safe to say that you are straight, but you are slightly leaning towards bisexuality. No matter what happens, PLEASE don't become transsexual or change your gender. You may get a bunch of shit for being who you are, but shrug it off and move on, living as the person you want to be.
On August 25 2011 09:48 edc wrote: From your description, I think it is safe to say that you are straight, but you are slightly leaning towards bisexuality. No matter what happens, PLEASE don't become transsexual or change your gender. You may get a bunch of shit for being who you are, but shrug it off and move on, living as the person you want to be.
and why not? yes, transgendered people struggle a lot in society but some it is truly the only way they can be happy. but there are of course things to consider before "transitioning". including whether you could become "passable" as a female or not
On August 25 2011 09:48 edc wrote: From your description, I think it is safe to say that you are straight, but you are slightly leaning towards bisexuality. No matter what happens, PLEASE don't become transsexual or change your gender. You may get a bunch of shit for being who you are, but shrug it off and move on, living as the person you want to be.
i could count the times i've been sexually aroused by a member of the same sex on one hand and it was never for their masculine traits i have no problem calling myself straight sexuality is fluid anyway i don't think it really matters what i call it
I find that this problem has far less to do with you than you think, and far more to do with culture being a terrible poison in our world. There is no such thing as "masculine" and "feminine" activities, just things that people do that they enjoy.
Take less interest in those around you who have the brainwash already completed, stupid people consumed by our culture and society. They are of no help to you sir, and best be ignored if can.
And btw, I love gardening and cooking. Cooking is honestly a very "manly" thing to do. When you want an example of actual human nature, the only place to look is before culture took us off the deep end, thousands and thousands of years ago. Anything by today's standards just isn't true human nature.
On August 25 2011 09:48 edc wrote: From your description, I think it is safe to say that you are straight, but you are slightly leaning towards bisexuality. No matter what happens, PLEASE don't become transsexual or change your gender. You may get a bunch of shit for being who you are, but shrug it off and move on, living as the person you want to be.
and why not? yes, transgendered people struggle a lot in society but some it is truly the only way they can be happy. but there are of course things to consider before "transitioning". including whether you could become "passable" as a female or not
The OP said that he wouldn't look convincingly female if his genitals were changed because of his body frame. Also, I really want him to put a lot of time into thinking over whether he should have a sex change or not, as it can seriously affect your life negatively. Yes, you are correct when you said that some people are truly happy with being transsexual, but the OP wasn't even that interested in being so. The main point of my post was to tell him to ignore the rudeness he will get if not already has from others and to be who he wants to be, not to get a sex change.
On August 25 2011 09:54 Wohmfg wrote: Fascinating read man, thanks for sharing. Any idea why your sex drive has diminished?
several ideas
1. my diet has changed considerably as i've been struggling heavily with anorexic tendencies although i hesitate to call myself anorexic but probably approaching it
2. i am depressed more than i was the previous month when i was very sexually driven
3. coming off of anti anxiety medication
4. i'm in a long distance relationship and i might be suppressing my sexual desires subconsciously for that reason
On August 25 2011 09:54 Wohmfg wrote: Fascinating read man, thanks for sharing. Any idea why your sex drive has diminished?
several ideas
1. my diet has changed considerably as i've been struggling heavily with anorexic tendencies although i hesitate to call myself anorexic but probably approaching it
2. i am depressed more than i was the previous month when i was very sexually driven
3. coming off of anti anxiety medication
4. i'm in a long distance relationship and i might be suppressing my sexual desires subconsciously for that reason
That makes sense, I hope you get that stuff sorted. It's great that your gf will buy you a dress haha.
basically all i have to say is, do what you like...but keep in mind if you mess with your body in any permanent way there is no going back (should be obvious but i can see how people would overlook that little detail just make sure you dont if you do)
our society is fucked up, plain and simple...what we try to do as a society is create a label of "perfection" and if you are not exactly that then you will be persecuted for not being the model of perfection, regardless of the reason. there are many people who suffer from tons of different things where society pits itself against them, it goes through american history. the classic example here is skin color...it doesnt matter at all, yet people placed labels on people based on the color of their skin and thus racism was born which took forever to get out of the mainstream...currently the large issue where this is happening is glt (gay/lesbian/transgendered) are being persecuted and wanting their rights as human beings, however society (in all their ignorance and stupidity) believes that people are inherently meant to be what they are born and like certain things/people however this isnt the case at all, this is where "faggy" or "gay" come from as insults, because they differ from the established norm they become persecuted...however no amount of persecution can change who you are, live out your life as you see fit with no holds barred, tradition will try to dictate your life and hold you back from your own happiness which very well might be reached through a gender switch, its entirely possible.
i personally consider myself a generally accepting person of others in all areas except when people ignorantly hate on others due to established tradition/society...its quite possibly the most disgusting thing ive ever seen happen, why mess with others because they're different...just why /endrant
sorry about ranting in your blog lol but seriously gl with your ventures whatever they may be, just experiment and if it is truly for you then go ahead and go for it...we only have one life (as far as i know lol) so why waste it because someone else will mess with you for your choices?
In my immediate family, we have a transexual (man -> woman). I'm very familiar with the process and how it affected our family (the majority of us were very supportive). Feel free to PM me if you have questions about it.
Regarding what you posted... I've also had issues with gender roles for most of my life. It's tough for me to feel comfortable around some of my guy friends while being true to myself and I see you've run into that problem yourself. I like being around my guy friends when we're sharing an activity like gaming, or watching NFL, but when it comes to talking about personal issues, I feel much more comfortable amongst women there (however, I do like talking with guys more about technical and logical matters). I don't feel like I have anything to hide from women. With guys around I feel a strong pressure to conform and it's very uncomfortable sometimes.
I enjoyed reading your story even though I don't have much advice to offer for you at the moment. Again, feel free to PM me with any questions about transexualism at any stage of the process.
One of the best possible paths to take for someone in your shoes is to continue talking to members of the trans community about their experiences. More importantly, try to communicate to them what you're going through, and see if their experience was something similar. It is vitally important that you end up with a body you are comfortable with, and a sexual identity with which you may best express your gender, but it is still a very serious thing to consider.
Having worked in the field, the best piece of advice I may give you is to focus on the types of personalities you are attracted to first, gender second. For example, if you meet someone with a personality you fall in love with, yet cannot summon any attraction due to their gender, you have your answer.
if you grow up in your basement watching anime about magical princess lolis and highschool harems then you're gonna find yourself, psychologically, in a very different spot to someone who has grown up watching gangster movies and pimping bitches
you can correct it by exposing yourself to different things. learning how to be more masculine is going to help you a lot more than pawning over kpop. one makes you more attractive to society (ie other people) and one just embeds you in a fantasy world where you love these perfect ideal creatures so much that you wish you were one of them yourself! (because you havent experienced much else and had positive emotions come out of it)
experience: anorexic around 16 and later gender issues/confusion
EPT
