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My Dad is an alcoholic. Again.
Some backstory, he's been an alcoholic for most of his life. When I was 7 my mom left him and I didn't see him until I was 11. At that point, he'd been sober for half a year and stayed sober until I was about 18. He'd turn his life around. He'd become a successful photohraper and things were only getting better for him. Then he got with a younger woman. She's a 'partier', drank often but wasn't necessarily an alcoholic. She has destroyed his life. She is absolutely insane. She goes crazy on him, attacks him, has destroyed his laptop 3 times and all of his cameras at this point.
When I turned 18, my Dad pretty much became my best friend. We were more friends than a father/son, but I think that's what we enjoyed. We love the same music, have a lot of the same passions. When we were hanging out on weekends, I felt I was just hanging out with another friend. It was awesome. Until then, I had hated him most of my teenage years, ignored him, couldn't stand spending time with him.
Once I start to enjoy it, this woman comes into his life and things slowly start to spiral out of control. I hung out with them both a few times but just listening to her talk about her high school stories, I knew she was bad news. Fast forward 6 months, he's living with her, drinking regularly and missing more and more work. She destroys his iPhone, so he just cancels the plan and just uses her work cell for the next year. Then, it becomes impossible to talk to him. Anytime we share a phone call, I can hear nagging or finding some excuse to get him off the phone with me. At this point she's completely controlling him. I have a hard time understanding this part. Even though I was young, I remember how much he used to try to control my mother. How does a controlling personality become controlled? My grandfather has actively tried to help him for the past two years. He's offered a place for him to stay or to help him get his own place.
Things are only getting worse, but he KEEPS going back to her. It really doesn't make sense. In the past year I've only seen him three times. Once after a drunken mess downtown, he came to my place one morning until she picked him up that night. The second time, he ran into my girlfriend downtown and he came over briefly. The third time, after my grandfather bailed him out of jail.
I've ignored the problem, I keep thinking he'll just leave this woman and move on. It's not too late for him to revive his photography career. Four months ago, my grandfather called me and asked if I wanted to bring my son and spend the day with my Dad while we helped him look for an apartment. And of course, the woman caught wind of it and he couldn't come. This is how it's gone lately, every time I even have a chance to arrange something with him, she doesn't let him go. She finds some excuse to occupy him or whatever else. Sometimes, he manages to message me on Facebook or I talk to him on the phone and all he does is complain about her. Acknowledges he needs to get the hell out of there, needs to get away from her, but he isn't acting on it. I mentioned the third time in a year I've seen him was when my grandfather bailed him out of jail. That was last week. I talked to him, and he said he was going to try to turn it around. He was going to stay with my grandfather, and we were going to go to a baseball game last night for my birthday. We were supposed to meet-up at 4, but of course it doesn't happen. Turns out, the woman met him after he got off work and he got drunk.
So, what do I do? He was involved in AA, I wish I knew some of the people in the problem I could contact. I have no idea who he knew. I know where he used to attend meetings, but it's literally been years and I don't know if I'd be able to find anyone who knows him. I want to make it clear, it's not just this woman's fault. It's my Dad's too.
 
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Just a request- can you separate the paragraphs with a line in between? Makes it kinda hard to read without it =/
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On August 15 2011 13:56 asianskill wrote:
happy birthday?
OHHHHHHHHHHHHH.............. #awkward.
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Damn man. That really sucks. Sorry to hear about that =\ Family is extremely important, and to see such a rift exist between father+son saddens me. Please try your best to contact his as often as possible, tell him how you feel, and get him some help. I hope everything turns out for the best.
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i'm sorry to hear your story.
I don't have much by the way of advice. My father is also an alcoholic, and when he wasn't a positive piece of my life, I cut him out of it. Fortunately with both did a lot of growing up, and after many years were able to reconnect and have a solid relationship.
The way I ensure my happiness is to remove people in my life who don't contribute to that happiness. It's not the most sympathetic approach, and I can't say I recommend it, but it's the only way I've been able to cope with the numerous family and friends who have alcohol, drug, and depression issues.
I hope things improve for you.
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You gave him your opinion and advice. He didn't take it, and clearly doesn't want to hear it any more. He's made a choice, and it's yours to accept it. Don't let him drag you down with him, if you don't want the relationship with him that he has with his girlfriend.
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On August 15 2011 13:56 asianskill wrote:
happy birthday?
On August 15 2011 14:32 OmniscientSC2 wrote:
Damn man. That really sucks. Sorry to hear about that =\ Family is extremely important, and to see such a rift exist between father+son saddens me. Please try your best to contact his as often as possible, tell him how you feel, and get him some help. I hope everything turns out for the best.
OmniscientSC2... your Happy Birthday picture next to your name... makes this all too good 
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Sometimes, he manages to message me on Facebook or I talk to him on the phone and all he does is complain about her. Acknowledges he needs to get the hell out of there, needs to get away from her, but he isn't acting on it.
just wait for these moments. try to create another means of communication, try to understand why he is stuck with his gf.
from what it sounds , this isnt gonna be something that will change easily
you can either "stay" and help him , probably be stressful but worth it if you care about him enough.
or just cut him out. im sure he'll understand ...then when he figures out w/e is going on then you guys can do father/son w/e stuff again
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On August 15 2011 15:22 BottleAbuser wrote:
You gave him your opinion and advice. He didn't take it, and clearly doesn't want to hear it any more. He's made a choice, and it's yours to accept it. Don't let him drag you down with him, if you don't want the relationship with him that he has with his girlfriend.
I haven't really given him advice - I've literally tried my best to ignore it. My grandfather always keeps my fiance updated on what's going on and she passes it on to me, but I just take it in stride.
When I do see my Dad, he apologizes for what's been going on, says he's sick and tired of his girlfriend, then the same shit happens.
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i think it's best for you to not ignore it, but it will probably come to hurt you more than it does now
when someone (you've loved) says they'll do something and doesn't, it is because at least more than one thing is holding them back---that much i'd agree with
perhaps.... you could give him clean and hard choices or an ultimatum
maybe she is something that gives him a feeling of a happiness at the end of the day.
it can be really extremely hard to keep yourself away from something like that
but from my point of view, you are his amazing son, and you're more important than the woman that hurts him in many ways. when he properly appreciates what it could mean for him to be a larger part of your life (& the days leading up to when you exchange rings) and to allow for you to be a larger part of his,,, i think he'll come around, just like he did when you were a teen, right?
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maybe shes blackmailing him with regards to something ..?
a very dark opinion but hey im from the internet
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EPT
