EPTIt all started back when I was about twelve years old. Not the gaming - I'd always been into games since I can remember - but the trouble. I'd always been a bright kid. Strange, yes, but bright, and with a handful of friends. Then seemingly overnight, everything changed. Friends drifted away and grades began to plummet. I felt like I couldn't keep up with my own life anymore despite doing everything I was supposed to. I would still score well on tests, but when it came to getting work done, I didn't know what went wrong. We didn't know it then, but this was the start of a long stretch of years where my ADHD went undiagnosed.
This hit its peak in sophomore year of high school where things were so bad that the stress was starting to take a physical toll on my body. I would often develop sudden muscle cramps or laryngitis, vomit, collapse from exhaustion, or even outright faint, seemingly out of nowhere - despite not being physically sick. Many people assumed I was faking it to get out of things I didn't want to do, or worse, doing it for attention. This only served to increase the stress.
About halfway through the year I was taken to therapy where I was immediately put on anti-depressants so I was at least functional. After a few months, I was finally diagnosed with ADHD. Yes, you read that right - months. I was taken off the anti-depressant slowly and then put on a new drug called concerta.
WOW!!!
It was like I'd been blind for the past years of my life. Holy crap I could do ANYTHING! I understood what everything meant! I was organized; I was on top of the world - I COULD EVEN DO MATH!! (Math was...never my strong subject to put it mildly.) Unfortunately then, I started to notice...
...this wasn't without side-effects. I was always frightened. Scared of everything. Constantly crying for reasons I didn't understand. This quite nearly ruined the family trip to Venice of spring break. After a major breakdown in the airport in Germany, we finally decided it was time to find something else. Stratterra didn't work, but adderall did! Not as well as the concerta, but a B/B+ average was a small price to pay for not bawling over a table being shifted a few feet to the right.
Junior year of high school was the best year of my life, hands down. I got my job at the cat shelter that I am still with, and somehow, overnight, I became popular. I started really getting into games even more then and identifying with the gamer subculture. Life couldn't have been more perfect.
Then senior year hit. Everything started out okay, but the concerta had left side effects. I had always had anxiety attacks since going off that medicine. Most of the time it was not a big deal...but a lot of dumb drama with my now former best friend had my nerves on the fritz. And then, a classmate of mine died in a car accident.
None of us saw it coming. It was one of those events that shocks you to your very core. I wasn't that close to him, but I did know him somewhat. His birthday was one day before mine, and he often teased me about that. He was a real character.
Upon his death I suffered a massive anxiety attack that essentially rendered me unable to function. I could only come to school for half days for the rest of the year. How I managed to graduate, I still do not know. I'm still reeling from shock. Despite doing impeccably well on my SAT, my GPA suffered badly. As a result, none of the colleges I would be able to learn properly from will accept me. (I can only learn well in an environment like that at Hampshire or Amherst, where you design your own schedule and path, and there are no required courses.) I tried to go to a local community college, but, a lot of the teachers didn't even speak English. How can I learn in a place like that?!
For the past few years, I have essentially been a NEET. My job at the cat shelter doesn't pay, as much as I love it. My only solaces have been those cats, the small bits of writing I do, and of course...my games. When I discovered StarCraft II, I was intrigued, but reluctant to throw down so much money for it, as I was already paying monthly for World of Warcraft. I did get ahold of a copy of Brood War from a friend, and immediately fell in love with the Protoss race.
Then, through TotalBiscuit, I discovered the pro-leagues. I was fascinated. I couldn't believe that it was possible to make a living from gaming. Unless you were like, RoosterTeeth or something. I watched all the games TB casted over and over again, marveling over the players. I quickly learned their names and all the traits of the races. But when I tried to apply what I had learned to Brood War...I couldn't. It was a different world.
I always loved watching Protoss games more than anything, and inevitably one day, I stumbled across Kiwikaki. I was in awe. His playstyle was so creative and unlike anything I had ever seen before. I remember thinking at that moment, "I want to be like him!" But could I do it? My background in RTS games was so limited. And not to mention the money...
TotalBiscuit soon lost interest in World of Warcraft due to the direction it was going in, and my interest in it died along with his. I still logged on occasionally for nostalgia's sake more than anything. Then one day, I came back to find my account stripped of everything. All gone. I had never given out my key, never clicked on any suspicious e-mails (or any e-mails at all - I rarely if ever check it!), and two virus scans on each computer in the house all came up clean. Blizzard restored my items and characters, but I decided enough was enough. I canceled my subscription and threw down sixty dollars for SCII. After many, many problems including having to transfer it to a different computer, which you might have read about previously, I at last settled in to begin forging my path for real. And I found that somehow I didn't do too badly. I found myself remembering and copying builds that the pros use. Awkwardly, clumsily, and slowly to be sure, but there was definitely a resemblance in the end.
And now, I have a dream. I want to become DeLta, the Protoss player known for favoring void ray play. I want to join a team someday and be with the players who inspired me so much. Being with Team Reign would be a DREAM COME TRUE, to play alongside my idol Kiwikaki, but the environment they set up just does not seem right for me. I'm hoping that maybe, possibly, someday, some way...Dignitas could take me on? When I get much, much, much better, of course!!! ...It's more than likely an impossible dream, but everyone has a dream, right?
What do you think, readers?
Will I make it?
Can I make it?
Because if I'm honest...this could very well be my last hope for success.
Currently listening to: E.S. Posthumous - "Nara" (Because Cold Case is on. My favourite show.)
