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So recently, as in a couple days ago, I had a dream. For those that don't know me as well as others, I don't remember my dreams very often, but this one was rather vivid and I remember it well.
I won't go over everything, but the main thing was that my wife had called a bunch of my old friends and got them to come out for a huge party in my honor. Not only a party, but to help with some massive landscaping and yard renovations. I woke up to find many old friends, people who meant a lot to me in the past and still do to some form, as well as a few other people that were acquaintances. I was so happy to see everyone, but there was an issue. I did not get much time to talk to any of them, at least not one on one. It was all group settings and everyone was there, happy, but not really interested in me that much, just casual conversation. Finally a found a couple really good old friends aside from the group smoking (I don't think either of them smoke IRL either...) I asked them to ride with me, get away from everyone for a little bit, run down to the store to get some more smokes I think. They were a bit weird about it, but said sure and then I woke.
When I woke, I thought about this dream quite a bit. As I rarely remember any dreams, when I do I considered them as deeply as I can with what facts I remember. I realized that there was this feeling that I did not know many of these people anymore. I mean, yeah, I knew them, but not really. It was this very superficial level of "knowing" and many of them I knew intimately at one time. In fact, if you want to ask I will tell you if you were there and what feelings I remember. I realized that these friends used to be so important to me, and in some ways still are, but in many ways they aren't either. It felt a lot like Facebook or some other social network. We have become so connected while very disconnected at the same time.
I say this because while we can see small changes in life and little thoughts throughout the day from these friends that we know and love, it removes the want and desire to talk to these people directly, to really know them on a level that is truly personal. Everything that people post on the facebook is a superficial level of themselves. They know who is watching and what they are saying. It expands the idea of our ego and our self-image. We all have at least three versions of our selves:
1. Who we think we are.
2.Who others think we are.
and 3. Who we really are.
But more and more I am thinking that the internet version of you is another one. Think of it like this: if someone just google's your name, they may find this snapshot of you that lives on the internet. You had some control over it's creation, and if you are some social network sites, so did your friends. This is a version of you that lives on the internet only. You and your friends had some input into it's creation, but so did various websites and whatever else you plugged your name into. This you, in a lot of ways, may be the ideal you. You don't normally post too many of your faults on here. Most people don't advertise that they are a racist or a wife beater, but these parts may exist. You know it, your friends may know it, but this facebook version may not.
On this same level, this internet version has changed the definition of friends and likes. They are much more loose now. I have people request to be my friend that I do not even know. I dig through their profile constantly looking for some clue as to where I know them from only to find that the connection is really only that we may both like something. In real life if I see someone reading a book by an author I like I may talk to them, strike up a conversation and I would not consider us friends right away, but on facebook we are all willy-nilly to say "Hey, this person is a friend of a friend of a friend and likes Kurt Vonnegut as well, we shall be friends." Then you click a button. Once the request is sent one may accept it and you are then, from that moment on, officially friends.
I kind of went a few places here, but the overall point that I am trying to get to in a backwards way is that even this version of my real friends is a weird bastardized version. I get certain details, mix them in with what I remember of them IRL, and that is my image of them. I have come to the conclusion that I do not like this at all. The problem is that there is not much that I can do about it, especially since I am so far removed from them in location anymore. We were once together at a school or in a house, but now we only see what they chose to show others. If my facebook friend disappears, did they just choose to delete their account or did they die in some horrible wreck? It is safe and sterile and therefore takes a lot of the fun out of meeting people, knowing people, and wondering about people. The clues to who they really are can get buried so deep down that there is this false sense of security and therefore friendship that is created.
I guess to sum this all up, do we really know anyone anymore? A few people, maybe, but trying to reconcile those images of self into an actual being is becoming harder and harder. It is not all bad, I am not trying to say that, it is just that human relationships are difficult already and we are throwing this monkey wrench into it that complicates things even more.
Here is my end question: What are your experiences with friendship in the age where the definition has become so blurred? In what ways is this better or worse?
 
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TLADT24920 Posts
I avoid Facebook for this exact reason as well as the fact that they get to keep your info on file for 5 years after you close your account. The problem is that most people are heavily into online social networks and if you don't follow the trend, chances are that you will lose touch with some friends. I remember a couple of years back when MSN was the "king" of the market(baring MySpace). Everyone I knew used it and it was a great communication tool, but, most I know migrated over to Facebook and well, a lot of friends were lot in the process :/
You are indeed correct about the other version of ourselves. You can mold this version into your ideal self which isn't really bad but it's just an illusion. Nothing you can do I'm afraid, just gotta wait until Facebook hits rock bottom and follow the next trend.
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Yeah, Facebook is just a tool and if Facebook goes down, there will be someone there to take it's place. This is just the changing tide. Newer generations will grow up with this internet-based friendship system. Again, I am not saying it is all bad, there are some great aspects of it, but it just makes everything more complicated for someone like me.
I am a one-on-one, face-to-face guy who worked as a councilor back in college. I know talking to people directly and reading body language. That is something that I had not even considered as of yet though is the fact that with less face time, does that distort our abilities to read body language? Hmm...I have to think about that for awhile.
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TLADT24920 Posts
Don't worry, I agree with you 100%. I much prefer face to face meetings but there's nothing you can do about it other than try to organize something like that. As for body language, that's a tough one but if you use something much, you'll get rusty and for all you know, chances are you'll forget how to read body language 
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Yeah i agree with this too. For some reason I also enjoy talking to the friends i feel closest with face to face, as aposed to over the internet.
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i relate to everything you said and its so true. When i use to facebook, i one day realised when reading a larger than usual amount of bitching and moaning from these 'friends' of mine that if they really were important to me id give a fuck and try to help. In reality the opposite was true. I wanted to tell them to grow a pair and wake the fuck up.
In reality, the people that mean anything to me are the people id make the effort to call or to visit in my free time i could count on my fingers.
Its exactly why i dont log in to facebook anymore. Dont really give 2 shits whats going on in other peoples lives if it doesnt affect me. Strangely enough, the friends that were closest to me, i dont talk to on fb either. So it just goes to show whats actually important to you and what isnt.
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Facebook can also be used to network and other things. Not just to keep track of friends or whatever.
I 'Friend' people all the time but I know and I'm sure they know that it doesn't mean we are friends. Its just the word they chose to use when you add people.
Google+ is trying to change this with the circles and the acquaintances etc sutf. Problem is people don't wanna have to label people and piss them off or judge and be judged like that.
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This inspired me to look up old friends whom I were friends with from kindergarten to 6th grade (I moved to another city after that).
Turns out 2 of them are convicted for rape... Don't even know what to think >.<...
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On August 14 2011 00:27 gullberg wrote:
This inspired me to look up old friends whom I were friends with from kindergarten to 6th grade (I moved to another city after that).
Turns out 2 of them are convicted for rape... Don't even know what to think >.<...
Wow, that's crazy. I went to high school with a kid that ended up chopping his own mother's head off...but I was never friends with anyone that got into this bad of trouble, at least not that I know of. I am glad though that you found some old friends.
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On August 13 2011 21:32 eu.exodus wrote:
i relate to everything you said and its so true. When i use to facebook, i one day realised when reading a larger than usual amount of bitching and moaning from these 'friends' of mine that if they really were important to me id give a fuck and try to help. In reality the opposite was true. I wanted to tell them to grow a pair and wake the fuck up.
In reality, the people that mean anything to me are the people id make the effort to call or to visit in my free time i could count on my fingers.
Its exactly why i dont log in to facebook anymore. Dont really give 2 shits whats going on in other peoples lives if it doesnt affect me. Strangely enough, the friends that were closest to me, i dont talk to on fb either. So it just goes to show whats actually important to you and what isnt.
Yeah, I know this one. I have two or three old friends that I still talk to on the phone, but we are also on facebook. I wish I could in person more, but I am very far removed from them nowadays, so the FB is really one of the only mediums to still have a constant stream or converstaion.
Also what was nice about it was yesterday I posted something on the FB (Which I am trying to give more a chance now because I feel as if I have run out of other options) and one of my very old friends made a joke back and started a back and forth. It felt exactly like old times, same humor, same back and forth, but still I had to question whether it was like old times, or just similar enough to make my mind fill in the blanks and make it how I wanted it to be. It is weird...
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EPT
