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Thinking of You

Blogs > iGrok
Post a Reply
iGrok
Profile Blog Joined October 2010
United States5142 Posts
July 16 2011 13:18 GMT
#1
For me, a catharsis only works if I share it. I intended to never make a girl blog, in fact I swore to myself months ago that I would never make one. But I don't know where else to turn. So here goes...


Its 7:13 a.m. I've been up for 65ish of the last 72 hours hours, the last 4 of which I've spent trying to sleep. I lay in bed as Brian Eno whispered from my speakers, the soft ámbiance attempting to lull my mind into an unconscious state. After all, I've got a big day today - at least by my standards. I did everything I could to get to sleep: slowing down my breathing, relaxing my facial muscles, arranging my two pillows so that one is beneath my head and one is beside me, and most of all trying not to think.

But I am thinking. I can't help but thinking. And I'm thinking of you.

I'm thinking of what I'll say to you, if and when we ever meet face to face again. I'm thinking of all the times before, when I tried to tell you my feelings and half succeeded. I'm thinking of the future, and how when you're marrying someone else, and the preacher says, "Speak now or forever hold your peace," I'll say nothing, because I'll have missed my earlier chances.

I'm thinking of the curves of your body, and how beautiful you look in the rain. I'm thinking of your eyes, and how there aren't metaphors to describe them. I'm thinking of your laugh, the short breathy one when your bite the corner of your lip, nervous and excited, as your eyes close and you nuzzle into my neck.

I'm thinking of the 4th of July - was it really three years ago? - lying on the hillside, lit by fireworks. I'm thinking of the 14 hour phone call, discussing love, and if it was really possible. I'm thinking of when you said goodbye, after I drove 2 hours to see you with a dozen roses, when you came home from camp, and how you're the only person who has ever made me cry.

The last year has been an interesting one, and I certainly haven't taken the beaten path. Meanwhile, you're off at one of the best schools in the world, all the way across the country (depending how you split it). I can't, and don't, expect a stable romantic relationship in this situation. But I can't let much more time go by without telling you I still feel this way. And I always will.

Two years ago, you said I'd get over you. There's plenty of girls out there. Well, I've been exposed to the world. I've crossed the globe (once) - I've tried forming relationships with other girls. There is only one girl on this earth for me.

I haven't told you "I love you" in over a year. But I do. And every time I try to tell you, I have to wait for that perfect moment. Because, for some reason, I'm convinced that if I tell you I love you in that perfect moment, you'll say you love me too - but if its not perfect, you won't.

Well, to hell with that. Trying to make everything perfect has done nothing for me. This moment may or may not be perfect, but I love you.

When I write music, it is all an expression of my feelings for you. When I go for a run, its so that, when you see me, you will be impressed by me. When I wrap my arm around my second pillow, I'm imagining you lying beside me.

When I see you next, I'll break my need to be perfect.

I love you.

****
MOTM | Stim.tv | TL Mafia | Fantasy Fighting! | SNSD
Hassybaby
Profile Blog Joined November 2010
United Kingdom10823 Posts
July 16 2011 13:20 GMT
#2
I love you too mate

Hope you get some sleep, you may need it
"These guys are mindfucking me into a sex coma" | "Mayonnaise is a must-have lubricant when performing necrophilia"
JiSu
Profile Joined August 2010
Korea (South)140 Posts
July 16 2011 13:23 GMT
#3
Your "girlfriend" is going off to Ivy League college?
Slivered Skin
Profile Joined September 2010
Canada347 Posts
July 16 2011 13:41 GMT
#4
That was intense. It's so personal and emotional that I feel almost guilty for reading this.
Those most oft mated find love’s motive in a word: inebriated - Get well Violet!! And sC!! T_T
exalted
Profile Blog Joined March 2004
United States3612 Posts
July 16 2011 14:15 GMT
#5
nice. i enjoyed this.
too easy
PaPoolee
Profile Blog Joined August 2010
United Arab Emirates660 Posts
July 16 2011 14:16 GMT
#6
That was a really great read, good luck with everything I hope it all works out for you mate!
Grettin
Profile Joined April 2010
42381 Posts
July 16 2011 14:32 GMT
#7
:'(

AND NOW IM CRYING.
"If I had force-fields in Brood War, I'd never lose." -Bisu
Farow
Profile Joined April 2011
Northern Ireland24 Posts
July 16 2011 14:43 GMT
#8
Beautiful, thanks for this.
I actually needed it.
I hope everything ends well for you
If you aren't angry, you aren't paying attention.
Krikan
Profile Joined October 2010
Norway520 Posts
July 16 2011 14:51 GMT
#9
Very well written, I enjoyed reading it a lot. Reminds me about how I feel for my GF. Hopefully everything works out for you, good luck!
Naniwa on making the MLG finals: Uh, it's ok.
Tevo
Profile Joined October 2010
Netherlands75 Posts
July 16 2011 15:27 GMT
#10
beautiful mate, actually kinda reminds of a girl I met travelling, who's literally on the other side of the globe right now and whom I miss. Good luck buddy
bjornkavist
Profile Blog Joined June 2009
Canada1235 Posts
July 16 2011 16:12 GMT
#11
not only is this a great read, but I feel like I'm in the exact same boat and I feel exactly the same, and I'm listening to Brian Eno as well.
https://soundcloud.com/bbols
Otakusan
Profile Blog Joined August 2010
United States59 Posts
July 16 2011 17:03 GMT
#12
I'm sure a lot of us reading can relate to how you're feeling.
It's terrible.
But aside from the romance, if you care about your own emotional state... I would recommend keeping this to yourself forever as a piece of memory while you move on. A theory of mine is that most girls will not leave a guy unless 1) they've found someone "better" or 2) they're tired of you and want/need to move on. Which means, if a girl leaves you, she is DONE with you. Anything else you do to show affection to her after that point will only seem "creepy" to her.
My theory might not be accurate, but from what I gather from a combination of personal experience (ouch) and talking to female friends, it's true.

It's time to forget about that girl yo. Easier said than done, I'm sure.
OpticalShot
Profile Blog Joined October 2009
Canada6330 Posts
July 26 2011 15:46 GMT
#13
<333

Hope you feel better that you've at least let that out.
[TLMS] REBOOT
DoubleZee
Profile Joined July 2010
Canada556 Posts
July 26 2011 16:31 GMT
#14
Damn, I can relate right now.
Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!
Gprime
Profile Blog Joined March 2011
Canada198 Posts
August 11 2011 12:10 GMT
#15
You just made me feel more human.
good luck.
diablo 3 killed my skill.
Sqalevon
Profile Joined August 2010
Netherlands523 Posts
August 11 2011 13:28 GMT
#16
I read this to Brian Eno - An Ending.
I'm feeling so hollow inside right now.
This summer I met a girl at a festival in the UK, I'm from the Netherlands.
I completely fell for her and everything felt so right about her.
Since we said goodbye my brain hasn't functioned properly yet.
I'm a lost soul.

Good luck telling her how you feel next time, I hope you live a long and happy life together!
bonifaceviii
Profile Joined May 2010
Canada2890 Posts
August 11 2011 16:27 GMT
#17
You've already told her you love her, to which in response she doubted the existence of love entirely and then told you you'd get over it.

I hate to be an asshole, but that makes me think she just ain't that into you dude.
Stay a while and listen || http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewmessage.php?topic_id=354018
tirentu
Profile Blog Joined March 2009
Canada1257 Posts
August 11 2011 16:39 GMT
#18
This is the best written girl blog I think I've ever read.
DivinO
Profile Blog Joined July 2009
United States4796 Posts
August 11 2011 16:59 GMT
#19
Best of luck, man.
LiquipediaBrain in my filth.
RHCPgergo
Profile Blog Joined June 2005
Hungary345 Posts
August 11 2011 19:57 GMT
#20
Nicely written!
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