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A Short Story

Blogs > Riku
Post a Reply
1 2 Next All
Riku
Profile Blog Joined June 2009
United States1064 Posts
July 11 2011 01:17 GMT
#1

Here is a short story I wrote for fun. I haven't polished it up much, but I really enjoyed writing it and the concept I built it off of.

Yes, it is GIRLY, so bite me. However, I'd like any comments or critiques you may have!

_____________________________________________________________________________


Tick-tock. Tick-tock. The sound of the ticking heart contained within her chest was felt more than it was heard. Each tick reverberated up into her collarbones and tickled down her spine. Such a heart was the blessing and curse of all in Rutera, each beat of their mechanical hearts was one less beat of their life. Occasionally, some accident would occur that would end their life prematurely and their clocks would stop. These clocks were the hardest to repair.

Elune opened her deep blue eyes, her mind still focusing on the feeling of the metallic sound in her chest. She was one of the few who knew that hearts were not of the spade-shape they were commonly drawn as, that, instead, they looked oddly similar to the innards of a clock. With that knowledge, she felt the symbol of hearts was rather ridiculous and avoidant of the displeasing truth that the length of life of people in Runtera seemed to be set as easily as the time of a pocketwatch. Perhaps that was her bitterness speaking from watching heart after heart reset, since she knew the Restorer cared for every person and their hearts immensely. It was for him whom she worked, bringing him tools and, occasionally, hot tea. He was soft-spoken and not ever demanding of her, though she worked always without complaint. Ever since she could remember, she had been bringing him his morning tea and keeping the tower where they lived in good condition.

Bringing mind to her morning tasks, she threw the light beige blanket off of her and swung her long legs over the side of the bed. She stood up and began harshly untangling her golden hair with a wooden comb. After throwing on her modest blue dress, which billowed out below her waist, stopping just above her knees, she trotted down the smooth stone stairway of the tower to the kitchen on the base floor.

It was not long into prepping breakfast that there was a knock on the wooden door of the tower. Elune removed the skillet of fried potatoes and eggs she had cooking from the flame of the stone and went to answer it. Opening the door, she was delighted to notice it was him, Alexander. He stood there with his warm smile, wavy bronze hair and glittering emerald eyes, as welcoming to her as warm sunlight.

"Oh, good morning, Sir Alexander," she murmured, admiring how the crisp crimson uniform fit his shoulders and emphasized his eyes.

"Don't be silly, Elune, I've asked you so many times to call me Alex. I would really appreciate it if you would at least grant me that," he laughed with a wink that caused her cheeks to flush. "I just have a package to drop off for the Restorer, could you please get him for me?"

Elune lingered in the doorway for a second, not wanting to abandon Alexander's company. Her pause saved her a search, though, as a friendly voice over her shoulder startled her, "Ahhh... Alexander, I'm glad you've come so early. I've been waiting for this delivery."

The Restorer's long grey hair tickled her bare arm as he leaned over her shoulder to talk to the guard. His grey hair and small wire glasses contrasted greatly with his soft and flawless face. He was not necessarily handsome, though by no means was he flawed. He gave off the aura of a kind tutor, which, for Elune, he practically was.

The small brown package was handed over to the Restorer and he accepted it with thanks. Just a few moments of admiring Alexander and he was gone, back to his guard duties, while she shuffled somewhat reluctantly back to finishing preparing breakfast. She never knew what exactly was in the packages, but she could only guess it was hearts, to be restored and replanted, give new life to the bodies they had left. After all, that was what the Restorer did.

Not long after they had paused their work to enjoy their afternoon tea, an urgent knock echoed down to the underground workshop. Both Elune and the Restorer raced up the stairs to answer. Standing in the doorway was a bulky guard carrying a limp body. "Sorry, sir," he blurted out nervously. "But the queen wants him restored now, he's one of her favorites."

Elune felt sick to her stomach even before she checked the face of his body. It was easy to recognize Alexander by his broad shoulders and narrow waist. She sank down to her knees, horrified and heartbroken. He was dead.
The Restorer kindly dismissed her to return to her room, telling her that her help was not necessary for this restore. She tumbled up the stairs, tears blurring her eyes and fell asleep sobbing.

The next day Elune lay in bed, listening to her heart tick as she did every morning. She rolled out of bed and made a half-hearted attempt at untangling her hair. As she was preparing breakfast, there was a knock on the door and she reluctantly went to answer it. When she finally pulled the wooden door open, a tall man with emerald eyes gleamed happily at her.

"Oh, hello," Alexander said with piqued curiosity painted across his glowing face. "You must be the Restorer's helper. My name is Alexander, but..." he winked at her with a hint of flirtatiousness, "...please, call me Alex."

**
Creative Director, CEO at Stumbling Cat, Writer for Broken Joysticks - Twitter: @RikuKat
Hot_Bid
Profile Blog Joined October 2003
Braavos36402 Posts
July 11 2011 01:25 GMT
#2
Nice story.

Here are the top 5 people I would use the Restorer on if I had a choice.

1. Tupac
2. Carl Sagan
3. Michael Jordan (restore to 1993)
4. City of Cleveland (before 2009)
5. Bo Jackson (before the hip)
@Hot_Bid on Twitter - ESPORTS life since 2010 - http://i.imgur.com/U2psw.png
Roe
Profile Blog Joined June 2010
Canada6002 Posts
July 11 2011 02:06 GMT
#3
i thought this was fake
SnowFantasy
Profile Blog Joined September 2006
4173 Posts
July 11 2011 02:09 GMT
#4
Looks like someone used the Restorer on this thread?

Awesome story~
SlimeBagly
Profile Blog Joined August 2010
356 Posts
July 11 2011 02:15 GMT
#5
6. Cake (before most recent album)
mutalisks are awesome!
Spek
Profile Joined March 2010
Canada37 Posts
July 11 2011 02:16 GMT
#6
This was excellent. The story leaves me asking even more questions about this strange world.
If you don't play random, that makes you a racist.
Servius_Fulvius
Profile Joined August 2009
United States947 Posts
July 11 2011 03:24 GMT
#7
I wouldn't exactly call the story GIRLY, but then again i've been reading romance manga for the last two weeks, so I guess I can't really talk!

Anyhow, for lack of a better word, the story was very cute! There was some awkward phrasing and redundancy, but nothing a good polishing won't fix!
bkrow
Profile Blog Joined October 2010
Australia8532 Posts
July 11 2011 03:38 GMT
#8
Michael Jackson Post Jackson 5 pre creepy stage

Nice story Riku.
In The Rear With The Gear .. *giggle* /////////// cobra-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!!!!
Zim23
Profile Joined August 2010
United States1681 Posts
July 11 2011 04:50 GMT
#9
On July 11 2011 10:25 Hot_Bid wrote:
Nice story.

Here are the top 5 people I would use the Restorer on if I had a choice.

1. Tupac
2. Carl Sagan
3. Michael Jordan (restore to 1993)
4. City of Cleveland (before 2009)
5. Bo Jackson (before the hip)

I like number 3 but I'm gonna have to say restore him to 1984. I would love to watch his entire career at this age so I can remember and appreciate it fully.
Do an arranged marriage if she's not completely minging, and don't worry about dancing, get a go-kart, cheers.
Riku
Profile Blog Joined June 2009
United States1064 Posts
July 11 2011 05:43 GMT
#10
I appreciate everyone's comments, but I am still utterly confused as to why I ask for constructive criticism and most people seem to just give it one star and then leave.

Seriously, if you don't like it, tell me why.

>:[

Creative Director, CEO at Stumbling Cat, Writer for Broken Joysticks - Twitter: @RikuKat
ShadoBiO,o
Profile Joined July 2011
9 Posts
July 11 2011 09:26 GMT
#11
My questions:
+ Show Spoiler +

Would you imply that the guard died more than once, was he ever restored before?
Was she ever dead?
I'm asking this because it could potentially make things even more tragic; as if it wouldn't be enough that Alex, or everyone in Rutera from what I understood, can get overexcited from love and eventually die from heart-failure.. but if that cicle gets repeated endlessly due to the periodic reset of one of the lovers, then it's like a hamster wheel of tragedy. Never to be able to love and always repeat the cicle of coming close to it and want it so bad but always be denied fulfillment.
So If I've got this right, and the dude is, from time to time, back to Hello my name is and I look good wink* .. how come he didn't overload right then and there instead of later that day. Is the Queen maybe hotter than Elune and the real reason for the nervous out-blurt? Were they having sex? I'm sorry but this is where my mind starts to not be serious about the story, so perhaps this is an indication of an inconsitency. Or perhaps it's more likely that heartache was the cause of death .. not over-excitement. Well worth the read and the contemplation anyway.

SirJolt
Profile Blog Joined October 2009
the Dagon Knight4015 Posts
Last Edited: 2011-07-11 13:44:53
July 11 2011 13:44 GMT
#12
True story, I wrote a short story similar to yours a couple of months ago. Wasn't sure if I should post it, but then figured, "fuck it, why not?"

+ Show Spoiler +
... Tock:

Once upon a time, there was a clockwork boy. Every morning, his mother would wind him up and send him out on his way through the woods to school. While he was there, the other children would tease him, and push him around just to hear the sound his little brass cogs made as he tried to keep his balance.

Halfway through the day, his tiny clockwork heart would begin to wind down, and the gentle tick-tick-tick from his chest would lower in tone until all that was left was a sighing music-box twinkling. As all the other children went out to lunch, their teacher would stand and walk around, prop the key into his back and wind up the tick-tock boy.

He would wake and smile and make his happy, clicking way out into the playground, the sun gleaming across his tiny metal face.

One evening, as he walked home, the little clockwork boy heard a rustling from a bush. He investigated, finding that the sound was a group of soft little puppies. In the orange of the setting summer sun, he glanced around, but couldn’t find their mother. Worried for their safety, the tick-tock boy took off his jumper and unscrewed the front of his little chest. He wrapped the puppies up nice and warm in his jumper before setting them inside, careful that none of them get caught in his gears.

As he skipped home through the woods, the yelping of the little puppies was loud enough that he didn’t hear the soft chiming of his slowing little clockwork heart. He watched as the world around him seemed to move faster and faster, his clicking legs slower with every step.

The tick-tock boy woke slowly, his knees grinding through the remainder of his skipping steps. It was winter now, and he was still in the woods, bare tree limbs stark black against the grey-white sky. The puppies were long gone, and birds had nested in his open chest. Deft hands reached inside and swept the twigs from his straining counterweights and gearwheels. He turned around, old autumn leaves crunching beneath his stubby metal feet, and saw his mother again, dropping the fat key into the pocket of her jacket.

Her face had some new lines on it now, and her eyes looked a little sadder, but that had happened before, and the tick-tock boy was happy to see her again.

As they made their way home, it began to snow.
Moderator@SirJolt
StorkHwaiting
Profile Blog Joined October 2009
United States3465 Posts
July 11 2011 16:35 GMT
#13
Great start to a story, Riku. But is the idea expanded any more than that? I think you did a fantastic job with details and character so far, but the speculative aspect with the hearts isn't fully described yet, nor the actual societal implications really explored.

Is he given new life without memories but with the same characteristics/talents? How exactly does this work? I think it's a nice teaser, but doesn't have enough character, theme, or plot development yet to be called a complete story. The writing is strong though and the details are vivid. Well done.
Lorant
Profile Blog Joined June 2011
Hungary112 Posts
July 11 2011 17:47 GMT
#14
On July 12 2011 01:35 StorkHwaiting wrote:
Great start to a story, Riku. But is the idea expanded any more than that? I think you did a fantastic job with details and character so far, but the speculative aspect with the hearts isn't fully described yet, nor the actual societal implications really explored.

Is he given new life without memories but with the same characteristics/talents? How exactly does this work? I think it's a nice teaser, but doesn't have enough character, theme, or plot development yet to be called a complete story. The writing is strong though and the details are vivid. Well done.


It wouldn't be a short story if he did that. The whole idea of the genre is to leave an open ending,.. open everything for that matter. He gave enough, kept it short and substantial.
I agree with ShadoBiO,o .. the idea is surgically removing the possibility of love and showing how people suffer because of that. Imagine having to shut yourself off from people you feel attracted to because of fear that your life will get drastically shortened due to the limited amount of clicks a mechanic clock-like heart can produce before the battery or whatever dies (love = racing heart = premature death). I think the rest is coherent decoration for this conclusion.
"Framer framing a GF would return him as mafia" - this is pretty funny.
FourFace
Profile Blog Joined March 2011
701 Posts
July 11 2011 18:00 GMT
#15
So actually love is meant by
some accident would occur that would end their life prematurely and their clocks would stop
.
Pretty neat stuff, not bad at all
And you even wrote it as if the people understand exactly that, defining it as nothing more than a mear malfunction of the mechanic heart, taking it for granted. I'm truly impressed.
I don't know, lynch me!
Lorant
Profile Blog Joined June 2011
Hungary112 Posts
July 11 2011 18:10 GMT
#16
Yeah, noone ever lived to tell about it, because the memory gets erased, so noone knows anything about it.
It's instictive to crave it so they're just like moths attracted to the mothcatching heat-light thingy. Which reminds me of the joke from scrubs: A man goes to the pediatrician and says "I think I'm a moth". The doctor looks at him, and puzzled he asks "Well, If you believe yourself to be a moth.. why did you come to me, I'm a pediatrician". And the man says "Because the lights were on"

o.0
"Framer framing a GF would return him as mafia" - this is pretty funny.
StorkHwaiting
Profile Blog Joined October 2009
United States3465 Posts
July 11 2011 23:44 GMT
#17
On July 12 2011 02:47 Lorant wrote:
Show nested quote +
On July 12 2011 01:35 StorkHwaiting wrote:
Great start to a story, Riku. But is the idea expanded any more than that? I think you did a fantastic job with details and character so far, but the speculative aspect with the hearts isn't fully described yet, nor the actual societal implications really explored.

Is he given new life without memories but with the same characteristics/talents? How exactly does this work? I think it's a nice teaser, but doesn't have enough character, theme, or plot development yet to be called a complete story. The writing is strong though and the details are vivid. Well done.


It wouldn't be a short story if he did that. The whole idea of the genre is to leave an open ending,.. open everything for that matter. He gave enough, kept it short and substantial.
I agree with ShadoBiO,o .. the idea is surgically removing the possibility of love and showing how people suffer because of that. Imagine having to shut yourself off from people you feel attracted to because of fear that your life will get drastically shortened due to the limited amount of clicks a mechanic clock-like heart can produce before the battery or whatever dies (love = racing heart = premature death). I think the rest is coherent decoration for this conclusion.


Below 1K words would usually be considered flash fiction, not a short story. I don't know wth you're talking about it wouldn't be a short story if he did that.
AiurZ
Profile Blog Joined May 2004
United States429 Posts
July 11 2011 23:59 GMT
#18
The shorter the story, the more important and weightier each word becomes. When I read about Elune's "deep blue eyes" or her "modest blue dress" in contrast to Alexander's "crisp crimson uniform" I have less a picture in my head of the characters than I am wondering, "so what?"

Make this three or four times longer and you'll start to give a better feel of the story for your readers and then you can go from there.
picture of dogs.jpg
Amnesia
Profile Blog Joined September 2009
United States3818 Posts
July 12 2011 01:12 GMT
#19
Cool story bro. Can you tell it again? Just kidding, I'll stop joking.
On to the point - how long did it take you to write this? What a work of art.
Out of all the stories I have written, nothing tops a masterpiece like this.
Life sucks because I always wanted to be a writer. It is a dream I'll never be able to pursue.

So, have you thought about making the story longer...perhaps into a novel? I'd definitely buy it.
Today, I realize that you not only make the best blogs of TeamLiquid, but the best stories.
Only reading up to the second sentence was enough to get me hooked and reading.
Riku, I will send you a PM with one of my writing, could you please review it for me?
You would be the only person I'd be confident enough to trust you to edit my mediocre story.

But you must promise me not to share it with anyone else as I'd be embarrassed.
Right now, I must hone on my writing skills.
Oh, thank you for reading this. I'm looking forward to more 5/5 quality star blogs!
StorkHwaiting
Profile Blog Joined October 2009
United States3465 Posts
July 12 2011 01:41 GMT
#20
On July 12 2011 10:12 Amnesia wrote:
Cool story bro. Can you tell it again? Just kidding, I'll stop joking.
On to the point - how long did it take you to write this? What a work of art.
Out of all the stories I have written, nothing tops a masterpiece like this.
Life sucks because I always wanted to be a writer. It is a dream I'll never be able to pursue.

So, have you thought about making the story longer...perhaps into a novel? I'd definitely buy it.
Today, I realize that you not only make the best blogs of TeamLiquid, but the best stories.
Only reading up to the second sentence was enough to get me hooked and reading.
Riku, I will send you a PM with one of my writing, could you please review it for me?
You would be the only person I'd be confident enough to trust you to edit my mediocre story.

But you must promise me not to share it with anyone else as I'd be embarrassed.
Right now, I must hone on my writing skills.
Oh, thank you for reading this. I'm looking forward to more 5/5 quality star blogs!


You're not going to make it far as a writer if you're embarrassed to share it. I can tell you that much. Publishing world requires thick skin.
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