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Well it was a hard hit at first. I would say it dented my soul.. She left me and moved on to another guy. She was beautiful guys; graduated magna cum ladde from college. And me? well I had it all too . . I had her, I had an apartment, I had a job, I got high, it was lovely.
But three years of that ended when she left me. Now I am destroyed looking for any desperate attempt at love it's sickening almost. I am in a town I barely know anyone in, apart from asking the neighbor for a ciggy..
I started getting into the drugs... whatever you had i bought them, a lot of them, and used it all. lost my job because of it and now have only a few months rent till who knows when. I am so fucked up right now on adderall to be honest.,
Lately the thoughts of suicide really really start to flood my head. I feel like I won't ever find a happiness like that of intense love again and the act of missing it brings me to tears. I feel like a total creep to myself and my esteem constantly dwindles.
I really need out of this town, but really where too? It'll be the same scenario,but different place. Anxiety takes complete control of my brain once I realize that I am trapped to myself. I am scared to death of people right now because of what I've learned.. that I really have no one to trust.. no family, or friends..
As a drug abusing recluse determined to get better, I ask of TL for advice on the first baby steps.
 
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So, are you still doing "hard" drugs? If so, maybe rehab is a good start. Unless you can really control the usage.. which is i guess, unlikely?
But anyway, its hard to say where to head next if you really don't have family or friends. All i'm gonna say is, don't think killing yourself yet. Good luck, i hope you get your shit together! 
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The first step is to get a sponsor. Someone to watch over you and to make sure that you don't take any steps backwards. Someone to call you and check up on you.
Once you have a safety net, you can begin to climb back up.
edit: I feel bad giving advice contrary to Chill's and Grettin's suggestion. Professional help is great too!
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Calgary25980 Posts
Consult a professional. Don't take internet advice.
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On June 23 2011 14:37 Chill wrote:
Consult a professional. Don't take internet advice.
Internet Paradox for the Win!
Listen to Chill, or don't listen to Chill.
IMHO it is always best to listen to Chill.
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Get professional advice as chill said.
You're looking at a brick wall right now, and the bricks are cemented with confusion, anxiety and depression. They'll help you dissolve this cement and allow you to start taking bricks out of the wall so you can see past it. They won't knock it down though, only you can do this.
With drugs in particlar, my biggest advice is a complete change of scenery.
In my personal experience, drug habits attach onto your daily routine and seem to become necessary. Breaking your everyday cycle of things will break your need for these drugs, or at least free you of the ritualistic dependency that they may seem to have a stranglehold on you.
Love is what it is, it is unique, but everything in this life is unique. So cherish what you had, learn from what became of it, study the replays and include it in your next build ord--- uh i mean your next relationship
Good luck my friend!!!
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On June 23 2011 14:51 Probulous wrote:Show nested quote +On June 23 2011 14:37 Chill wrote:
Consult a professional. Don't take internet advice. Internet Paradox for the Win! Listen to Chill, or don't listen to Chill. IMHO it is always best to listen to Chill.
Even though his advice specifically says not to take his advice? Hmmmm Quite the predicament.... But sponsors and such are useful but going to rehab is probably ur first set. get rid of that need and than have someone there to watch over u afterwards (seems childish but it works!) I know a great many of people that went that route and things turned around. its a long road though. The sooner u get started the better...
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On June 23 2011 14:23 bongjwa wrote:
Well it was a hard hit at first. I would say it dented my soul.. She left me and moved on to another guy. She was beautiful guys; graduated magna cum ladde from college. And me? well I had it all too . . I had her, I had an apartment, I had a job, I got high, it was lovely.
But three years of that ended when she left me. Now I am destroyed looking for any desperate attempt at love it's sickening almost. I am in a town I barely know anyone in, apart from asking the neighbor for a ciggy..
I started getting into the drugs... whatever you had i bought them, a lot of them, and used it all. lost my job because of it and now have only a few months rent till who knows when. I am so fucked up right now on adderall to be honest.,
Lately the thoughts of suicide really really start to flood my head. I feel like I won't ever find a happiness like that of intense love again and the act of missing it brings me to tears. I feel like a total creep to myself and my esteem constantly dwindles.
I really need out of this town, but really where too? It'll be the same scenario,but different place. Anxiety takes complete control of my brain once I realize that I am trapped to myself. I am scared to death of people right now because of what I've learned.. that I really have no one to trust.. no family, or friends..
As a drug abusing recluse determined to get better, I ask of TL for advice on the first baby steps.
baby step 1:
stop doing drugs
baby step 2:
get a job
baby step 3:
become a man and move on
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You sound really young, are you sure it was legal for you to be dating a college graduate? Were you two intimate?
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wow. Drugs. Something i know way too well. Well what does one say to someone in your position?
Having being there myself, i know its not easy. And things never getting better just makes you want to get super rat fucked all the time. I did.
And ive been clean for 3 years now. I survived and it wasnt hard at all. No rehab. No family interventions. No outside influences. Nothing.
The cold hard truth is that i had to lose just about everything before i realised what i was doing. It was at the bottom of the deepest shithole of my mind that i woke up. Fucked out of my mind on coke and kat at the time no less.
This is a choice you have to make for yourself. Truth is, you have to want it. You have to decide what you want out of your life. I dont want you think im being a dick by saying this but, do you want to end up like i did, broke, you look like shit but dont really notice or care because youre always high. The only friends you have are the people who are always high too and dont really need any you have to offer other than your house and your stash. You dont know your family anymore, because you were too ashamed to show your presence or ask for help. Making you feel all the more shitty and making you want to get high just to kill the pain. Starting an amplified version of the cycle all over again.
Look at it this way. The way you are feeling is because you lost someone close to you. As if thats all you have to live for. The whole time you are sitting in a hole she probably isnt giving 2 fucks what youre doing. That hurts you more? You have the wrong mindset. There is so much out there. The things that could make you happy far outnumber what makes you sad right now.
you know the drugs dont bring happiness. So if what you really want is to be happy again, do you think drugs are the answer?
Do what makes you happy, get out of the house, get your adrenaline pumping! Play starcraft for christs sake! You are alive! There is so much to live for.
Here you are pissing into the wind over a girl who obviously doesnt care?
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Been there, took chills advice and dated someone just like that recently.
Listen to chill.
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Well that's a bunch of stuff.
Do you actually want to quit doing drugs? How much do you want to quit? Enough to actually quit? If not, keep trying, it will probably take work.
No relationship with your parents? It will be hard without a job.
Relax it, be simple. You don't need other people and you don't need drugs and you don't even need to feel good or even be happy, that will come with time and life will be well if you are strong enough to keep going despite feeling down.
As always with depressed people I will say that if you want to chat, pm me.
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You can consult a professional; however take it from a person of experience (have been related to and co-existed with several people who have been severely depressed), NOBODY can help you except you. Whatever shit hole your in, know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that if you want to live a better life you must choose to do it your self. Life only comes once man and crying over little things is not worth it. Look at the bigger picture because you are tunneling into small fragments.
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get professional treatment(therapist/psychologist)
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chin up bro, suck it up, there's so much more to life you got to see that. Find old friends, people who can help, maybe a support group of sorts. There are people out there who care about you, it's a human thing
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have several friends that are hooked on meth
one of them was forced to move to korea and he became clean just by the fact that it's virtually impossible to get stuff over there
the other one is still fucked because he's still here
wasn't really advice, more of an anecdote, but yeah you should consult an expert
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On June 23 2011 14:37 Chill wrote:
Consult a professional. Don't take internet advice.
but if you want advice: get drunk before slitting wrists. alcohol thins your blood.
dude, life is what you make it. i've been dumped. I've been drugged. i've been depressed.
drugs are a nice, comfy cave similar to your mother's womb. do make a new world you have to destroy your old world.
User was banned for this post.
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This is gonna be one of the few serious posts I ever make I feel like. First off, get off the internet. No joke. Chances are you're posting on forums to avoid human contact and perpetuate the whole occupying time in your house/avoiding the world thing. After I quit drugs I sat in a wierd state where I was sober and kind of productive but slowly cut off as much real interpersonal contact as possible.
The main thing you need to understand is that you are entering a process, you didn't become like this overnight and you won't recover overnight but if you manage to cut out the drugs then the work can begin. Stopping is easy, its staying stopped that is hard (how many times have you seen your addict friends quit?) Chances are, there were issues before this that I'm sure you were aware of. As soon as you are sober the depression and whatever other baggage you may be carrying will rear its ugly head. You will feel useless, broken, and that no-one will ever be in your life voluntarily again. THIS IS NORMAL AND IT WILL PASS.
The key is acknowledging these feelings, but not letting them run you. One of my sponsors in another rehab told me something that always stuck with me: "Fuck all the other advice and fuck what your feeling right now, just remember the Nike slogan. Figure out what you need to do next, and JUST FUCKING DO IT" If you don't know what the next positive action is, chances are you're lying to yourself you know that you can do something other then just sit and mope its just that sitting in your own shit is way easier then doing something about it.
I have dealt with many issues. I once thought I had a severe drug problem (well I did) and have since realized that it was just my own maladjustment and depression manifesting itself as a drug problem. At 16-20 I was pretty damn popular, well known in the club scene, and had (I thought) a good social life. At 22 I was alone in my apartment overwhelmed by these racing thoughts of negativity that NEVER stopped, everything had fallen away one thing followed by another, only to be replaced by this neverending crushing monotony. The rub of it was, I had watched it all happen. Somehow I didn't notice as I transformed into what felt like this useless human pile of waste. I have lots of things in my life I could point at as excuses for where I was at, but the truth is I was a pile of resentment and anger and I was paralyzing myself by just always thinking and never doing.
I have now recovered from a severe coke habit, followed by a relapse on adderall. I've also been called a human garbage can by a head counselor at a rehab I was forced to go to at 15 due to the incredible variety of drugs I was taking (I refused to pick a 'drug of choice' on the intake form). I now have 3 years 100% clean of anything I consider toxic, and strongly dislike doing anything that would modify my thought processes. I am not a 100% happy or chipper person but I fucking love life and plan on living it my way for as long as I get on this world. I used to get so pissed at my inability to do anything that I would rage out over the fact that I couldn't even get off my ass long enough to commit suicide! The point of all this is that the most basic shit int he world cured me when all my fanciful plans didn't work. Rehabs, AA, Therapy, etc all of these things are good but none worked for me because I never took personal responsibility for where I was at. Even when I realized I had dug my own hole I continued patterns of avoidant behavior exactly like what you are now describing. I realize this is a little bit of a jumbled rant, but hey wtvr. Feel free to PM me, if you do I'll give you my # and I'm up to listen anytime I've worked with people in all sorts of situations and I never judge (or try not to anyways)
tldr: it sucks I've been there. Get professional help of some sort and in between get off your ass and so something, no more drugs. It really is that simple but its really not that easy. PM me.
edit: I saw your response and that's fine that you can't afford professional help. You can feel that sober world-on-fire feeling again, it's just gonna take some time. Unfortunately quitting drugs is neccessary, but the motivation doesn't come back immediately. AA people like the saying "you gotta fake it til you make it" meaning until that inner drive returns you kinda just have to go through the motions. The way I looked at it was hey I can be miserable at home or I can be miserable doing shit I don't wanna do. I'm still gonna be miserable! I also suspended doubt for a while and attended NA mostly because I couldn't afford professional help and NA has tons of people who are willing to listen (really you can call them any time day/night). I didn't like certain things about them, which is a whole different discussion, but for a period of time I attended their meetings and did every single thing I was told to do on the basis that on my own motivation I would sit on my ass and eventually kill myself. I am no longer an NA member, but I am still sober and grateful to the people who helped me there to this day. I would heavily recommend going to a meeting. There's free coffee and donuts!
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If you're not in control of your personal drug use I'd advise you quit entirely while being depressed.
I've had several bouts of depression myself and one the hardest things for me was realising that even though you've lost what's dear to you and you'll never experience what could have been you shouldn't mourn the loss, but be thankful for the good times you had and seek new positive experiences. As for reclusive thing, I can't really answer that since social anxiety or what have you is really individual in what it stems from. I'd advise you to contact a professional for this. Talk to your family and some old friends perhaps.
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i am 22 years old. most of you really hit it spot on for me. a few of you even pm'd me.
i do need professional help, but currently have no funds for it. and im not really on the computer much..
i just am so comforted by the haze of a good clean high that it's so hard for me to focus right now. and i really need people to talk too because im in a weird stuck situation . i really want to feel the young sober feeling of setting the world on fire again . . but really the motivation tank is so depleted it's like im a dead beat . can't get excited. can't laugh.
i just have an urgency to say thanks for blind support
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