EPTBasically if you're the type of person who enjoys torturing other people (or yourself) with horrible music this is a great resource. To everyone else, I sincerely apologize. I figured some people in the TL community might get some amusement out of it.
Brian:
The Bad Music War's Primary Salvo
Compiled here is the lengthiest exchange of terrible music that Erik & I have had in our bad music war. We have had another which was almost as bad and which I'll compile and share one day, but I'm assuming that there will be more songs to add to it in the near future.
I have editted the battle so that the songs are numbered, as well as labeled with the contributor and Erik & my comments are only to the point of the song.
The official war rules are that you MUST watch the entire video and listen to the entire song. It’s like the Geneva Convention, only the intent is to increase the pain. Other rules include a midway moratorium on videos featuring men in thongs and a "One video at a time" rule which was followed really more as a guideline than an actual rule.
Enjoy, you poor, sick people!
1. Jcam’s Rain Dance (Erik)
Erik: “Amateur rap at its finest”
Brian: “BLACK SUBURBIA BIATCH!” “Does he say "I've got my ankle in your brain?" What's his ankle doing in there?”
2. America We Stand as One by Dennis Madalone (Brian)
Brian: “Alright Erik... You got the surprise opening attack, but I've been through war after war in my life... And I will defeat, nay, destroy you. Behold my wrath... and despair.”
Erik: “Oh man that grieving war widow to vulnerable to his charms now! Look out! I've invented a new word since seeing that video. "Patiotoxic" adj - meaning something that's meant to inspire love for one's country, but instead makes one hate it.”
3. Little Wings by Mark Gormley (Erik)
Erik: You will beg for mercy before the end!
Brian: I'm laughing so hard that tears are rolling down my face, and yet, at the same time, I hate you. I hate you so very, very much.
4. I Wanna Love You Tender by Ohjaaja (Brian)
Brian: I send you this... and into it I pour my cruelty, my malice, and my will to dominate all life.
I give you that immortal Swedish (Erik's note: Apparently this isn't actually Swedish. our bad) classic: "I wanna love you tender." If only I could see you squirm...
Erik: Oh man. My face hurts.
5. Moskau by Ghengis Khan (Erik)
Erik: If we're going international then it's time for me to unleash my Russian disco assault! Plus I guarantee this one will be stuck in your head for weeks. Enjoy! You rat bastard!
Brian: Iran has actually made that song into a gas and uses it for chemical warfare!
6. Freestyle Rap Battle by Eli (Brian)
Brian: what if we took your friend Jcam who wrote the rain dance, and we took away his lyrics sheet? And then performed a frontal lobotomy? We'd have this.
Erik: It hurts bad.... I was actually contemplating suicide there. I'm just lucky I couldn't figure out how to kill myself with a mouse and keyboard before it ended
7. Shine On Me by Chris Dane Owen (Erik)
Erik: Suffer! YESSSSSSSS
Brian: That guy looks kind of like Legolas on heroin.
8. Outta Sight by… someone. We figured it out after an exhaustive search once. (Brian)
Brian: I'll have to throw out a stand-by for time. And yet, it's a stand-by long famed for its amazing, mind altering capacity. Take this with you to work and see the people you serve. LOOK AT THEM! This is what you spend your day helping!
9. Something that YouTube has removed by Dokken (Erik) (I’ll do my best to figure out what this was)
Erik: I'll be impressed if you can even make it to the actual song! BEHOLD!
Brian: Their technology is advanced, but their rock needs work.
10. Losing You by Jan Terri (Brian)
Brian: You know how some bellybuttons pop out and some bellybuttons cave in? This video does that... to your penis. I especially love the scene where the cars are desperately scrambling to pass the slow moving limo. Also try to figure out what emotion she's conveying in this song. It's a fun game which ends when everyone is castrated and blind!
11. Japanese Characters by Japanese Characters (Erik)
(No real commentary on this one. We both were going to send this exact video to each other at the same time)
12. Break It Up by Carl Lewis (yes, THE Carl Lewis, the track athlete) (Brian)
Brian: You've probably seen this video, starring track great Carl Lewis who, not content with being recognized as "Sportsman of the Century" by the Olympic Committee and "Olympian of the Century" by Sports Illustrated, decided that he should also have a music career. If you haven't seen it... well... it'll be a special time.
Erik: I'm pretty sure Carl Lewis was murdered by that creepy old lady with the shades. I just feel all icky with the was Carl Lewis was looking at me. I think eye liner was a bad makeup choice too, but I guess he's the expert on track star fashion.
13. Indian Thriller by Indian Michael Jackson Analog (Erik)
Brian: Wow... That was amazingly sucky... I mean Turkish Star wars sucky.
14. The Most Unwanted Song by Komar Melamid (Brian)
http://ubu.artmob.ca/sound/komar_melamid/KomarMelamid_The-Most-UnwantedSong.mp3
Brian: will defeat you... with science. I have to get to bed, but I have something special to tide you over until tomorrow. In fact, it'll take you until tomorrow to listen to the entire thing, which I command you to do. This song (no video) was designed by a PR firm to be the most irritating song ever created. They conducted a decade long survey where they collected information about people's favorite, and least favorite, elements to songs. This included people's least favorite instruments, musical styles, themes, topics, lyrics and rhyme schemes. They then used a computer to compile the data and churned out this... Scientifically the least desirable song in the entire world, able to be enjoyed by a sum total of 200 people on all of planet earth. My personal favorite feature is the operatic soprano rapping about cowboys. You heard me right.
Oh... did I mention it's 28 minutes long? Enjoy... and sleep well. aha... haha... MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Erik: holy crap. i think someone needs to make a video for that one.
15. Video Games by Black Out Band (Erik)
Erik: Ok... so... this one may actually make you hate videogames. I think I may actually become a jock now after seeing this. DEEP HURRTINGGGG!!!
16. Fish Heads by Barnes & Barnes (Brian)
Brian: And now, in the vein of clownie clown clown comes an even lamer version of that weird-out style of music that was inexplicably popular in the late 70s and very early 80s. Just because it's supposed to suck doesn't mean it sucks less.
Erik: Man. That gonzo music crap is ....crap.
17. Why Must I Cry by Reh Dogg (Erik)
Brian: Wow... To sing terribly and to do it naked, I just can't imagine being more exposed.
18. In Canada by BJ Snowden (Brian)
Brian: I traveled to an alternate dimension, similar to our own and yet drastically different, and went looking for Wesley Willis... Only in this parallel universe he was a woman named BJ Snowden, graduate of Berklee School of Music in Boston and Canadian fetishist. I brought this back to cause you harm.
Erik: Man that was horribly bad. I don't even have a response to that at the moment. I'm just kind of sitting in stunned silence. ...I need some time to come back from that one.
19. Warrior is a Child by Gary Valenciano (Brian)
Brian: This one is particularly special because, and I'm not lying about this, it was dedicated to ME. I played a game online with this guy and he considered me a sort of mentor & father figure. He made this music video and dedicated it to my character monodefuego. So I would appreciate it if this doesn't get around, since it may mar his rosy remembrances of me to find this song in a bad music war. Anyway, here it is.
Erik: That cannot possibly be true... I'll need some real proof with that sort of claim. Also, the seen where he's singing surrounded by guys rowing the boat is probably one of the funniest things I've ever witnessed.
20. My Parachute Won’t Open by Itzhak Volansky (Erik)
Brian: Holy crap... I just can't imagine how this guy thought this was a good idea. You know, youtube opened up a whole new world of bad videos because now 1 idiot with a webcam can create a video, whereas in the past at least 2 people on planet earth had to be in precisely the same place at the same time and believe their idea to be a good one.
21. Jesus is my friend by Sonseed (Brian)
Brian: I don't think Jesus is hard up enough to be friends with this guy. In my mind some of the worst videos are the ones that take something near and dear to you and then make it piss you off horribly. The America video does that, where I just want to slink around pretending to be from, I dunno, Zaire or something. But even worse is when a song takes the most moving of topics, one that has inspired the greatest artists to produce their greatest works for thousands of years, and reduces it to eye-stabbing pain. When a song takes FAITH and makes it humiliating we enter into a new arena of bad.
By the way, make sure to watch out for my personal favorite part when he's zapped by Jesus. ZAP!
Erik: So if Jesus is like a mounty does that mean the devil is like Snidely Whiplash? "Curse that rapidly resurrected rascal! Foiled again!"
22. Sex over the Phone by The Village People (Erik)
Erik: Prepare to get TURNED ON!
Brian: I think that ranks as one of the worst sex related songs in all history. Another one would be "Talk Dirty to Me" by Poison. It's definitely a bad song, but more in that way that makes you laugh at the synchronized headbanging, shake your head and say, "Wow, the 80s sucked. No wonder the Challenger exploded." It's not really to the level of spew that we're dealing with, but if you're interested you can still watch it here: since it's definitely good for a laugh.
23: The Most Wanted Song by Komar Melamid (Brian)
http://www.ubu.com/sound/komar.html
Brian: there will be no laughing with what I am about to do to you. I open again the doors of my laboratory, walk beneath the reanimation experiments and cloning vats and into the PR Lab from hell. That's right, these are the insidious minds I employed to create the "Most Unwanted Song" in the world. "What," I hear you asking, "could be worse than the most unwanted song?" Well, my friend, I'll tell you: the "Most Wanted Song". That's right, it's counterintuitive until you really think about it. Who are the top selling recording artists right now? Are they any good? What is it the majority of the population wants to listen to? Especially when we include 12 year old girls, 80 year old men, etc. This song is a collection of all the most desirable elements by survey of a song and it produces this ludicrous, saccharine quality that must be heard to be believed. And you will believe, Erik. In your nightmares, you will believe.
http://www.ubu.com/sound/komar.html and then click the first link, titled "The Most Wanted Song". Then die to the sound of crooning tenor sax.
24: Nowiy God by Steklovata (Erik)
Erik: Can you watch the whole thing?
25: Nobody Wants to Know the Name of This Song or the Names of Its Singers (Brian)
26: Strange Animal by Gowan (Erik)
Erik: People think Rufio was killed by Hook at the end of.... Hook. But he wasn't! he actually traveled back in time and became 80s music sensation GOWAN!
Brian: Had some time, watched your video, hated you. What's amazing is that people put obvious effort into this! Half-assed effort, of course, but still... You wonder about the lady who sat around stitching his outfit. That video was, to round out the comedy, off the hook.
27: Yo Mama’s on Crack Rock by The Dogs (Brian)
Brian: Do you remember when you were a very little kid and the kids were horrifyingly cruel? What if you made a song about it? What if... The song were, in addition to being the most insulting thing in the world, also true? Is that something you'd like to see? IS IT?
Erik: Man that felt like being violated by a after school special... and not in a good way. That's totally not R&B though. Just terrible rap... which you seem to have a lot of.
28: Some German Song containing lots of boob shots by Some German People (Erik)
Erik: I shall smite thee with the blazing light that is German techno! When Juliana saw this she simply hung her head in shame and said. "My people...." So much for that Fourth Reich!
Brian: Well, that was a jaunty tune... One may even say... bouncy. Yes, bouncy I believe captures it. Very, very bouncy.
That's one of those terrible, irritating songs that has a heavy beat so it gets stuck in your head, so that even after the video is done it still echoes, driving you mad until you replace it with something good (mercifully, I have the ultimate antidote to the stuck song. Never fails to cure me). It's like a woodpecker, tapping away at your eardrums and into your brain. However, in order for that to work, there has to be some tiny, miniscule element of good to it.
29: Hurdy Gurdy Music and Unintelligible Russian by Russian Hurdy Gurdy Man (Brian)
Brian: What I am about to show you has no redeeming feature. It is one of my top 5 and one that I'm almost certain you haven't encountered yet. This one isn't like a woodpecker going in, though. This one... is more like a rabid racoon trying to get out, scraping and gnashing at your eardrums to escape the confines of your head, which he has grown dramatically too large and aggressive for. Listen to the song first, then read on with the information below. I'd hate to spoil any of the... surprise. From hell's heart I stab at thee.
I'll offer you some expanded information about this music, because I always believe that terrible with backstory is even more interesting. The instrument you heard is known as a "hurdy gurdy". The man playing it is called an "organ grinder" (I'm not making this up). It's NEVER been all that popular, only ever finding any sort of acceptance in Germany (where these guys had monkeys to get the money. You know the image, I'm sure). After World War II the hurdy gurdy and the organ grinder were literally nearly annhilated. Maybe a dozen true practitioners remain in the world. I know all this because one of them operates out of San Francisco, is COMPLETELY crazy, and sent my mom the most psychotic write up for a regular children's television program. It starts out only slightly insane, about pirates (one of whom is an organ grinder and uses certain songs to command a monkey to perform various tasks) and their adventures, but ends with him being crowned emperor of the New Revolutionary Nation of the United States by Arnold Schwazzenegger. Again, I am not making any of this up.
Beat that. =)
Erik: Wow. Out of all 12, he's probably the worst of the remaining Organ Grinders. I'm not going to shed a tear for the end of that era.
30: Let’s Save Our Environment by Dancing Butterflies (Erik)
Erik: I've decided to respond in turn with one of my top 5... oh yes. You're not the only one who's been holding back. This is a song that would make even Al Gore stop recycling... I think I'm going to go release some helium balloons in the direction of Antarctica.
Brian: Ho...ly...crap... That is the worst thing that you've sent to me yet... Amazing. And less than 40,000 hits, too, virtually unknown. Killer. Killer. You're a worthy opponent. I have no idea how we'll determine a victor to this battle of the ages.
31: The Prego Shuffle by Women Who Should Stick to Screwing and Leave the Rap to the Professionals (Brian)
Brian: Rome & Carthage were constantly involved in battle. Carthage would send Hannibal, Rome would send Caesar, it was desperate, total warfare. Finally, Rome had it. They gained the upper hand and sacked Carthage, but they did one better: they salted the earth so that Carthage could never again rise. I plan on doing the same to you by preventing you from having children. You will watch this video, and you will never wish this upon your wife. And rap shall again be my weapon.
Well... not really rap. You remember the Super Bowl Shuffle? Sucked right? Nobody would ever, ever in a million years ever think that was a good idea after watching it, right? And CERTAINLY nobody would want to emulate it, right? Well... I want you to visualize the Super Bowl Shuffle, only all of the men are moody, experiencing cravings, wearing leotards, and bloated. That's right, Erik... They're pregnant. I give you the horror of "The Prego Shuffle".
Erik: Ah... so bad... and yet so mercifully short as well.
32: Electricity is in my Soul by Steam Powered Giraffe (Erik)
Erik: I've found something that should have an effect on you though. Not a pleasant one, but an effect. Our clash is beginning to reach near-mythic proportions. We should really have a website to which we can publicly post each challenge. The world may well be rent in twain by the shear power.Now we're going to get REALLY obscure. Not only does this song contain probably the worst attempt at a guitar solo in human history (around the 2:30 minute mark), but the "band" members are also sufficiently terrifying to look at. Enjoy... all 6 minutes of it sucka! Less than 8,000 people have seen this video... because it doesn't count the ones who died before it ended.
Brian: I dunno amigo... Maybe this bad music war is starting to have an adverse effect on me, because I actually kinda enjoyed that song. I thought it was nice. I mean the guitar solo was nothing to write home about, and I wouldn't drop money on the CD, but I thought the song was pretty good. The little weird guy in semi-silhouette was the only thing I found unpleasant, but even there it wasn't horrible. So one of us is getting our tastes messed with by this war.
33: Nasty Boys Remix by Sondra Prill (Brian)
Brian: I don't think there's any way that anyone, no matter how badly altered their state may be, will find this good. It's a little local flavor for you. Allow me to introduce you to Sondra Prill, Tampa Bay native and Florida laughingstock, who's public access TV show still airs here frequently for the masses to laugh at while pulling their ears off of their heads and their eyes out of their sockets. She's a wannabe rock star who had put out some truly terrible "remixes", which is in fact her singing to the karaoke track of the band and substituting in even worse lyrics. Her performance at the Tampa Bay Performing Arts Center drew 42 total paying customers and, at the end, a stagehand had to come out and apologize to the audience.
Now, I had PLANNED on sending you her take on "Pump Up The Jam" which is, in a word, vomitous. Probably the worst thing she's done and horrifyingly embarassing to listen to. Plus it contains images of Jabba the Hutt wearing Princess Leia's slave outfit (wait! That's Sondra in a bathing suit! Even worse!). However, it also contains images of passably attractive women in thongs and that cushions the blow. Therefore I found a video of hers that replaces the women in thongs with men in thongs, and in the process adds a full minute to the running length. I give you Sondra Prill and her unique rendition of "Nasty Boys", which you will watch every second of.
34: Emotions of a Man (A Song for My Sexy Wife) by gder01 (Erik)
Erik: I can pretty much guarantee you won't be liking this one. Any video with "The great sounds of Nickelback influenced this song." in the description should be automatically labeled as bad. Sometimes you just have to write a crappy song, attach some home video to it and put it on youtube to sort out your problems.
Brian: Oooohhhhhhhh... It hurts. That was one of the worst things I've ever seen. You found an obscure song with a mix of terrible music and stirred in a healthy dose of pathetic. I wish I was married to that guy so that I could leave him too. On second thought... no. I can hardly think or see straight... That was an a-bomb. I have to admit I'm very shocked, I didn't think you would have that level of bad, and I knew you'd have a hard time handling my style. That was worse than I expected from you.
35: When You Run Out of Gancha by Mental Note (Brian)
Brian: I have not yet begun to fight. I will continue this until the world swirls down into a vortex of detritus. I will have revenge. BEHOLD! The whitest group of tone deaf teenagers Canada has yet to produce singing Reggae the week after they learned how to play guitar and singing about a drug which they have clearly never tried as most haven't even discovered puberty, let alone relaxants.
Erik: Man I think that's the funniest one I've seen from you yet. Those are the type of kids all the drug dealers sell bags of lawn clippings to for $50 every week. That was also probably one of the worst songs ever performed.
36: Soccer Practice by Gay Pimp (Erik)
Erik: This video is a direct response to your Sondra Prill attack. Let it be known that if we're going to men in thongs land THERE WILL BE MUTUALLY ASSURED DESTRUCTION!
I'm prepared to offer a "disarmament" policy towards men in thongs though. If you accept we'll strike an accord that for the remaining duration of the war there will be a "no men in thongs" rule. I suggest you accept.
Brian: Running scared? Alright, I'll sign your accord for a moritorium on men in thongs. I was considering suggesting a ban on gay music as well, but I don't think we can just take a whole universe of bad and lop it off like it's not even there. Researching for a song to send would be almost as bad as receiving, so it's kind of like the Q bomb: you may be able to create it, but it destroys you in the process.
37: Hairdresser, Hairdresser by Lucille Cataldo (Brian)
Brian: I have a special treat for you. Before there was American Idol, before Ed McMahon's Star Search, there was a public access program called "Stairway to Stardom" which produced some of the most shockingly bad "talent" that the world has ever seen. Everything from music, to dancing, to tap dancing, to poetry... They butchered it all most amazingly. If our war weren't limited to music there are so many delightful tortures here... But alas, such is not the case. I am an artist of pain, you are my canvas, music is my paint, and Public Access my palette.
38: Shabushabu by Honyanko Bushi (Erik)
Erik: Public domain seems to be your domain of choice, but that almost seems too easy. I will admit that my domain of choice, Japan, is also a cornucopia of terrible music and weirdness. While some things from japan are just odd because we're not from there, some things are universally bad. This video is one that I feel confident would be hated in all countries.
Brian: Humbug, you just say whatever domain I happen to be operating out of is my domain of choice! Before you said rap. Really I'm beginning to think of it more as theaters of war. Though admittedly I don't have the firepower to attack you in Japan yet any more than the US could have mounted a WWII land invasion of the country (though I like to think that that horrible screeching video was a worthy foray... On the other hand I think that was Korean).
39: Tornado by Belinda Borat Bedekovic (Brian)
Brian: For right now I look again to the East. No, not the far East, but Eastern Europe to the land of Croatia. A land where Belinda Borat Bedekovic makes sweet, sweet love to her keytar. At first I thought this had to be a joke, but upon research no, she is indeed serious, and her middle name is indeed Borat.
Erik: Ah. the old musical rule that playing something as fast as you can doesn't necessarily mean you're playing well.
40: Too Far Apart - Sad Emo Love Rap Music by Crazy Man ft. Jordi1First (Erik)
This video has been removed by the user… and there are no duplicates. It is lost forever.
Erik: Question. What do you do when you are really white but listen to a lot of rap music and have girlfriend issues? Answer. you make a music video your friends and you wrote and put it on youtube! Don't worry about complicated stuff like camera angles or even shots other than what webcams can provide. Your music will speak to the internet populace so well you won't need them! Also, pay some other people to post nice things about you in comments. This video is definately still in the "only my friends have seen this and they're too nice(stupid) to say it's bad." category.
Brian: Wow... There's like a whole inane universe of terrible, emo, white rap out there! Who knew?
41: The Lost Sheep by Adrian Munsey (Brian)
Brian: Even with our busy schedules I think you'll have time to fit this shorter, 3 minute + video in. The question is will you be able to afford the time spent in years of therapy afterwards? You see, we've been dabbling in mediums that are PREDICTABLY bad. White rap? Canadians? Europeans? What do we expect. But now we turn briefly to an unexplored area, almost like the Antarctic of the bad music war: classical music. How can a classical piece be bad? And more importantly how can it be SO bad that it's laughable and belongs here? Well... I'll show you. I'll open your eyes and through them pluck out your soul.
42: Benjamin Franklin Songs by Straight Outta Boston and Some Guy with a Web Mic (Erik)
Erik: This morning I found myself engaged in an activity that I never could have otherwise imagined myself doing without the existence of our current conflict. I was actually deciding which Ben Franklin-inspired music video I had just watched was worse. Apparently Ben Franklin is strait up Gangster. As you can see I have sent them both. Normally I'd say this was against the rules, but consider it a double-barrel shotgun blast of audio-ipecac to the torso. Both are ammunition which fit the same weapon and were made to be fired simultaneously.
Brian: What, WHAT led you to go looking for Ben Franklin videos? Your methods are indeed arcane.
43: Bearforce1 by Bearforce1 (Brian)
Brian: It was AGONY trying to decide which one of these terrible videos that I've been stockpiling now for weeks I should send. I decided that I would send you the one with the most hits, since I'm almost positive you won't have seen any of the others. Please note this video DOES observe Geneva convention guidelines which stated: "No dudes in thongs". The song could be accepted as just being gay, with the accompanying video it's amazing. I love particularly how the guys keeping losing their balance while striking poses. Anyway, feast your eyes on BearForce1.
Erik: LOL. I think the fact that they're flamboyantly gay is far overshadowed by the complete silliness of the entire choreography. The really sad part is that they had to use lines from other songs to make theirs more than 30 seconds long. I laughed, I cried, I thought that I would send you something that made me feel so awkward watching it that I had to clasp my hands behind my back to prevent me from clicking away.
44: Lemon Incest by Serge Gainsbourg (Erik)
Erik: It's about incest! Starring the singer and his horribly untalented daughter... in bed... together... in what appears to be Gozer's house from Ghostbusters... yes. Only the French could bring us Serge Gainsbourg - Lemon Incest! I really have to admit too.. This is one of the most annoying songs to simply listen to as well. Ugh... Well... Have fun with this one.
Brian: Thank goodness I don't have a clue as to what they're saying. I could watch and pretend that the situation was different. There was no pretending away her singing, though, which fills one's soul with a sort of alien hatefulness.
45: Rock DJ by Robbie Williams (Brian)
Brian: This next piece has some interesting elements to it.
First off, it's one of the newer songs we've heard.
Second, it was actually pretty high budget.
Third, the song itself, unlike ANY other song that I've sent you, really isn't too bad.
Fourth, I promise that it's the last time for a while I send you a video with a man stripping.
Fifth, I further promise that watching a man strip his clothes off in a video will only be the second worst thing you see today.
Erik: lol. I did -not- expect him to rip his flesh off at the end! Then again, given that this was an entry in our bad music war I guess I shouldn't be surprised.
46: My Pal Foot Foot by The Shaggs
Erik: The Shaggs.... When their original (and only) album came out 1969 people said "This sucks!" and they were correct. Then the artsy crowd came along and started talking about how good they actually are. Sadly in our modern age bad is considered good because then people can pretend they're getting some great revelation or something out of a piece of music or art when really it's just trash. So here's a piece of trash: My Pal Foot Foot - The Shaggs. It's unlistenable, but the real travesty is that they tricked people into thinking that because they acted artsy when they made the album they were actually good musicians. Listening to it hurts your ears, but reading about the story behind it makes you angry. (at least me anyway)
Brian: Wow... You'd have no choice to believe that to be really, really deep because it's the only logical explanation for how bad they are. The only other thing one could really think is that they had a crazy father who believed in things like palm readings and just sort of stuck instruments in the girls hands and told them 'now play'. Oh wait...
47: I Am A Real American by Hulk Hogan (Brian)
Brian: My next selection for you is spectacularly bad, very difficult to listen to, and utterly hilarious all at the same time. It falls neatly into a wide array of genres including "Patriotoxic" and "Cock Rock". How does it have the power to do all of these things, you might wonder? Because it's powered by 80's legend Hulk Hogan. Of course, he wasn't a legend for MUSIC, which is what some people might call this, but nevertheless... So it also fits into another genre which is one of my particular favorites: "80's celebs who for some reason thought that because they were famous they should also be making music".
48: Hulkster’s Back by Hulk Hogan and Hulkster’s Gone To Heaven by Hulk Hogan (Erik)
Erik: Oh boy. You don't know the depth that the Hulkster has reached as a musician. You are just a student of Hulk Hogan... BUT I AM THE MASTER. I have Hulk's entire "Wrestling Boot Band" album in my possession. Unfortunately there's no actual videos for these songs... just fan-made trash. Here's what is probably my two favorite songs from the album... The second one is a touching ballad Hulk wrote when he heard a fan died of cancer on the way to one of his shows. Kneel before Hulk’s glory!
Brian: Wow... wowow. That was amazing. "I used to tear my shirt but now you've torn my heart". Dude, I can't believe that's real. Unbelievable.
49: Bewitched by Candlemass (Brian)
Brian: Watching someone ride their bike into a car and flip over the handlebars is painful looking. Most people wince, some people mock. Watching a GOTH ride their bicycle into a car and flip over the handlebars is universally hilarious. Take any scene, any instance of anything: falling down the stairs, accidentally swallowing a bug, falling into a swimming pool, and change the victim from normal to goth, and it's always funnier. I think that's why death metal music lends itself so fantastically to our war: because an effort that would be medioce by anyone else looks ridiculous when done by death metal. And an effort that would look ridiculous done by anyone else looks, well, like this.
Erik: Pudginess just sort of kills the ability to be threatening at all. Especially if it's coupled with a sort of half stumbling/ half dancing routine.
50: The Warrior by Patty Smyth and Scandal (Erik)
Erik: Ok so I -really- want to stay away from mainstream type videos, but I felt this conflict just wasn't complete without this addition. I'm guessing you've probably seen it, but i feel it really is one of the worst music videos ever made. The strangely popular "The Warrior" by Patty Smyth. I did force myself to sit through the whole thing before I sent it and I can assure you it's still painful.
51: Crystal Cat by Dan Deacon (Brian)
Brian: I'm now scraping up stuff that I feel like I need gloves to handle. This video, in addition to being horribly bad, is also completely unwatchable. I don't know what more commentary I can offer.
52: Push the Button by Love Machine (Erik)
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/40979/
Erik: There is no title. There is no group name. There is no hope. (Brian did some research to come up with the name of the song and its “singers”)
Brian: Hmm. Well, confession time. Throughout this entire battle every time you have sent me a video I have strongly believed that I have responded with a video that was worse. I have six videos stockpiled for the war right now, all epically terrible but I don't think any of them is that bad. I'm going to need some time to find something worse, for I will not transgress the Mobius Strip of Pain that we have created.
53: Gordon en Keesje (I think) by Paul de Leeuw (Brian)
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/323187/
Brian: Your video made me remember. It made me remember a darkness that my brain had evicted. I submit this now... Heaven forgive me.
54: Dog Police by… Someone. Not sure. (Erik)
55: im furry by Wolfmaster (Brian)
Brian: You remember how we used to lament the passing of the old insults, where instead of a brief dismissal the offended party would issue a long rant of brutal intentions? "I will go into your village and burn the entire thing to the ground, salting the land so that no one will be able to every repopulate the location. Then I will kill everyone you know on the stake, but I will spare one male child, and put out his eyes so that the last thing he sees are the terrors I wreck. I will disfigure him in every way but leave his tongue intact so that he may tell of the horrors that come to those who cross me." Remember that? This is that... in video form.
56: 9/11 was an Inside Job by Scootle Royale (Erik)
Erik: Straiten your tinfoil hat before you watch this one. Sorry world?
57: Like a Virgin by Bai Ling (Brian)
http://www.spike.com/video-clips/9r0x7k/bai-ling-worst-singer-ever
Brian: So apparently this woman Bai Ling is famous. I don't know if she's Madonna famous or Tay Zonday famous.
58: George Washington by Brad Neely (Erik)
Erik: This song is both terrible irritating and also completely awesome...
This is where we had a temporary peace brought about by the observance of Lent. We’ve had frequent flare ups since then, but nothing quite so epic as this particular salvo.
