EPTJust felt like writing some lines about how my life is going right now, I think it's good to reflect on your own mindset and recieve closure sometimes. My life has been pretty shitty this and the past year, it's been a mix of bipolar stress and anxiety with a slight touch of girl problems.
I've gone around thinking these last two years that it doesn't matter what I do, if I'm not looking for happiness I'm not gonna find sadness either so I've just been working on having a neutral mindset about life, not really taking school seriously, taking distance from family and friends, drinking way too much and picked up smoking again (I smoked from when I was 16 then quit at my 18th birthday, I'm now 19 about to be 20, and planning to quit smoking again).
I've just been careless about everything I do, and it hasn't bothered me, my parents have worked really hard for me to do what I want to do, they've payed of 30 driving lessons for me so I could get my drivers license and I've shown little enthusiasm towards everything they've been trying to do to help me. They're trying to motivate me to get better at school and become more health, and all I'm repaying them with is starting to smoke and drink, failing classes.
I've met some nice women that I like these years too, women that I was kinda amazed would even be attractive to me, but everything has gone down the drain. My theory is simply that I've lacked the spirit to committ, I've let really good potential girlfriends slip because I didn't grip hard enough. Which feels really bad, because I really think I could be happy with one of them.
But enough, enough with all the neutral mindsets and letdowns. I can't stand to constrain myself for being my full self anymore. I realized that I've been wasting so much time on feeling sorry for myself, waking up every morning and skipping school because I'm making excuses for myself, not doing assignments because I'm making excuses for myself. Well I'm done feeling sorry, done with excuses.
I'm almost about to graduate from my school, and these last couple of weeks have been so hard and stressful for me, but I've promised myself to keep going, I had lots of tests and failed assignments I had to remake, I still have some. But I've been working my ass off for school every day just because I know that my mom will be really glad if I can graduate without any failed courses.
I've also applied to a university and I'm going to have an introduction course throughout the summer at that university which is gonna severly improve my stakes at getting in, I've always wanted to drive an ambulance so that's exactly what I'm gonna do. 5 years of university awaits me and I feel like if I keep going with my current mindset I'll be able to make it.
I'm quitting smoking and I'm gonna stop drinking (exceptions for graduation parties) because I feel like I don't have to consume unnecessary alcohol just because I'm bored. I'm gonna stop being such a douche against girls and start showing some more compassion.
I think if I can reach these goals with my life I might have a shot at being happier with myself.
Thanks for reading whoever did.
