EPTNo.
I'm sure the majority of people that read anything I write know at least some of the minor details of my life, but I'll spell them out in text anyway. When I was in 6th grade, I started to realize that I'm only in control of a small portion of things:
We have a handful of cards dealt to us in which we are not allowed to choose. How we play our hand is everything--literately everything.
In 2000, my uncle Harry passed away at age 38 of a heart attack. I'd say it was the first definitive moment in my family's life that rattled things up a bit. Having never even felt a tremor before, an earthquake can be particularly jarring. Shortly after, my grandma Mimi passed as well, followed by cousin Diane on my dad's side. In 2002, my sister Malori was killed in a van accident during an internship with a missions organization in Mexico. Briefly after, my grandfather Harry Sr. passed too. Within a few years, my mom was the only direct blood-successor to Harry Sr. and I was an only-child. Fortunately, my parents stuck together and forged a strong, symbiotic relationship through mutual support. They chose to shield me from their hurt and make sure I wasn't enveloped in their skepticism about life as they were seeing it in the middle of pain. There are pros and cons to every decision. I was spared excessive grief, but in return, I felt nothing, ever.
I was age 15 in a new high school and loved meeting new people. I didn't let anything get me down and I felt like the teen angst surrounding me was hilariously unjustified in contrast to my own experiences. Perspective can't be faked, so though I had many friends, my mind was on a different plane. In fact, people hesitated to get near me because of a fear of uncovering pain they wouldn't know how to sympathize with correctly. Ironically, I feel I became a pillar for friends to lean on when their own drama ensued, but not all streets run two ways.
I moved back to California in 2005 to finish my senior year and then go to college. Being the new kid once again, I made a large amount of acquaintances, but real relationships take time for the glue to dry. In terms of true friendships, one year is not enough time to shove a bunch of balsa wood together and call it a model airplane. College: repeat. I finished in 3 years because I didn't want to spend time pursuing paper and pages instead of the things being read about. Besides, to me it was just high school with a price tag. Once that was out of the way, I fiddled around with some music projects and a hodge-podge of duties as the Hodge-Podge Manager at a start-up company who had no idea why it existed. Once that was out of the way, I flew to Seoul (in which you can backtrack a two or three and muse about).
Recently, I found out I need surgery in all of my sinus cavities to remove a polyp, infection, and to decrease overall inflammation--I or doctors haven't any idea where it came from in the first place. Fortunately, (ha?) I'm not worried about the process because it's not my first time in surgery. My shoulders had an affinity for coming out of socket two years ago. But, you know, I'd rather not spend my 3 sick days actually being sick. I also lost a functional byproduct of a hobby of mine a couple months ago--my Lancer Evolution was totaled in a completely accidental situation. Pretty insane when your car gets crashed when you're living on a different continent.
![[image loading]](http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y210/pokebizkit/0423001047.jpg)
Though I came here to make and save money, it appears I have to spend everything I have if I simply want to be healthy, whilst the largest asset to my name is rusting in another country. It's hard not to feel like things are continually stripped from me, even when I strive to make the most of whatever I have left. I'm not in control of very much, but I've never let what I do have rot. I almost feel like I've earned justification to complain or be depressed, but that is trash. So what if my life's been hard? Someone's is harder, always.
Let me tell you my actual perspective on life in general.
It is never worth giving up hope. I'm not talking about a selfish hope that someday results in driving a nice car, owning a house, having a hot spouse make pancakes, etc. I'm talking about a hope that can turn talents, ambitions, and the things that make us stir into a weapon that eradicates every sense of despair around us. Literately annihilate every shard of tragedy and breathe life into dead situations. Feed people whose stomachs are right now eating their own frames away. Teach people who have limitless zeal but no formal way to apply it. This is the hope at the base of so many important movements and organizations operating right now. Guys like Bill Gates deserve so much respect. Why work? To engage in kowtow monotony that affords a rent check for a place to sleep before one gets up and does the same thing everyday until expiration? Have fun dying. At least the clothes worn in the coffin were brand-name. Suave.
You don't have to know exactly what you're going to do with your life right now, just for God-sake do something that matters. An acquired-taste for penumbra will make us all worthless Facebook posters that update statuses about the daily thing that distracts us from a life not worth living. I won't name anybody in particular, but I've actually counted one person's updates the last 20 times. 18 of 20 times have been negative explanations of what she "hates" or doesn't enjoy about something or usually someone. I understand venting, but that's just indefensible.
People have attempted to give me grief about posting the things I do or saying the things I have, but to be honest, I don't care that much. It's hard for me to take self-inflicted pain too seriously (not here, but other places). That being said, just in case your life has been 10x harder than mine, I really would like to stop and congratulate you on pressing forward. Instead of making it a pain contest, let's both keep turning those experiences into qualities that set you apart and enable you to make an impact. Don't be afraid to tell people to suck it up here and there because there are far more people willing to them it's okay to sulk. If time is truly important, then it's imperative that we don't stop for too long before we resume living. No matter what you are doing, give it everything you have and consider the people around you. Not everyone's life operates on the same scale, but it's fair to say that impact can be relative. Make a big hit in your sphere.
Next time you are complaining, think about what you actually have going for you. Okay, so right now I don't have money, a car, perfect health or good friends. But, I have God, my family, someone I'll probably spend the rest of my life with, beauty all around me, a thousand things to learn, way too many nice gadgets and clothes, a job, a degree, a hopeful startup business, somewhere to sleep, food in my cabinet, lack of fear, talents stored up, and a few people that like me. Unless you're dead, you're alive. That's a really big deal.
