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Individuality

Blogs > Dalguno
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Dalguno
Profile Blog Joined January 2011
United States2446 Posts
Last Edited: 2011-03-22 23:05:26
March 22 2011 22:16 GMT
#1
This is an essay I wrote for my sophomore writing class. I believe that my writing has improved since then, and I have posted a second, more recent essay. I would like to believe I have indeed improved, and want fellow TLers' opinions.


+ Show Spoiler +
What is it that defines a culture? Style of clothing, appearance, the way one talks, or what you do? While all these things influence it, the people themselves are what bring it to life. All people of a culture, though, are not the same, and without that diversity, the population would be uniform and unoriginal, and the culture itself would die, with no distinctive individual bases to rely on. Individuality is what brings out the spark in life, and the world today is falling away more and more from those original and vital significances. Uniqueness has been hindered by unrealistic expectations and desires of society, causing people to feel as though it doesn’t matter who you are or what you believe in as long as you fit in and you are recognized. Young people in particular trust less in this individual importance, and this is because of a growing and misguided emphasis based on belonging through appearance, speech, and principles and morals.

We live in a world where styles and appearances are primary in judging a person and knowing whether a person is “cool” or if they are one who does not belong. For example, if a boy wears a shirt and tie to school every day, he is automatically stereotyped as a person who most people would not want to be seen with, because he is considered a nerd. If a girl wears all the latest trends and fashions, many want to be seen talking to her or simply being around her. If they are seen with her they may be seen as cool as she is.
Human nature drives us to crave the respect and attention we get when we fit in; to be alone, without a group, is almost as terrifying as being held at gunpoint. The desire to belong has been driven into our minds so fiercely that we no longer see it as a want; it is a necessity of life. It is now vital to be with other people, and if we are not, we start to feel the grip of the judgments of those included in a pack inflicted on our isolated soul. We feel stranded and the overtaking feelings of loneliness begin to set in. The mind then looks for a way to be free of the harsh bonds of solitude and more and more the individual begins to dress to match others in hope of inclusion. We lose sight of the value of our individuality and what we are worth. But, as in all art, the original is worth much more than the copy.

As our image begins to be stolen by the world of inclusion, so also does the speech that is particular to us. It begins to be confined to what those in our group will think of it. Fear of differences in our talk begins to inhibit what we say. Now that we have a group we will not do anything to be shunned by them, so we speak as they do, in the same way and in the same form. We inherit their way of talking. The same words are heard over and again, the jokes all come out of the same factory, and all the phrases have the reek of similarity. Variances and unique thoughts or ideas are almost unheard of. It is all store-bought and generic. Every now and then a fad will start, quickly to be adopted by every person who believe they are cool enough to call it their “own.” The trouble with this is particular and new taste is nonexistent unless first taken in as a whole by the group. What innovative and possibly revolutionary thought that comes to be can be shut down by the population in its entirety, without consideration of its potential.

With the fall of fresh ideas and concepts, and the adaptations to the speech of the group, comes the fall of all that we once stood for and accepted, our principles and morals. While these once governed us and controlled our actions, they now are laughed at and put down by those who once held them close. People who will not participate in cussing, immoral jokes, or obscene acts are told off and criticized.

No longer do we fear the consequences of going against what we once stood for. After all, what’s better than having people love us and laugh at our jokes because we can now say words that we once dared not utter? Those resolute people who still hold strong to their doctrine, who express self-control and judgment, are now scolded and persecuted by the people who have abandoned their prior beliefs for the glory of the world. With every action, there is an equal opposite reaction. Where there once was service and gratitude there is now pride and disregard. Foul humor and poor language now dominate most conversation. The happiness that was brought through doing the right thing is no more. The minority (those who still cling to their individuality) are the only ones who know what it feels like to do good and feel the consequential comforts.

Culture today is dying. Forgotten are the looks that made us individual. Gone is the speech and personality particular to every person. Disregarded are the morals and dictates of a good conscience. Soon we will not know the joys that came from originality. Soon the only uniqueness we will have will be thinking of new ways to subtly copy and replicate others. What is it that will bring us back to the comfort we once had in being ourselves? Will we bring change on our own initiative? Will we be compelled to change? Or will we keep our trust in the group, forsaking the importance of the individual? It is up to us to decide; let us hope we make the right choice.


This next essay I wrote for an AP US class, at the beginning of the year. My question is, does it seem improved?

+ Show Spoiler +
After the writing of the Constitution, a large and influential political party arose. The Federalists were quickly gaining power in America. In opposition, the Republican party was formed to, in their eyes, better protect American life, liberty, and property. These two groups varied in aspects and views of where America should sand in world economics, political structure, and ideals, and both groups had influential leaders.

The Federalists believed that in order for the country to be successful, a large, intricate industrial class was necessary. Trade with foreign nations would be needed to secure wealth for the nation. Republicans, on the other hand, favored a rural agrarian economy, with less trade with other countries. They believed that large cities were only brooding ground for corruption.

Those variations of social structure brought also variations in political views. Federalists believed that only a strong central government, supported by a constitution, could preserve the liberty of the people. An aristocratic class was necessary to unsure that the economy and government would not fail. They believed that the economy and government, if left unchecked, would grow in despotism- limited powers of democracy were needed. Because of this, only one group as elected directly by the people: The House of Representatives. The Republicans, however, believed that the people in power would grow in tyranny. Therefore the smaller division- the states- needed the possession of majority power. Their forerunners, the anti-Federalists, would not vote for ratification of the Constitution unless there was a bill of rights included, this because of the fear that if the rights of the people were not expressly listed, the government would take those powers and wth it the liberties of the people.

While the two groups disagreed on much, there was one thing that they did agree on- funding the debt. However, the Federalists deemed that in order to do so, a national bank was necessary; the Republicans argued that a bank was not one of the enumerated rights of the government, and therefore was unconstitutional. Alas, Washington uncertainly passed an act that created a national bank.

Perhaps most of the guidance of the parties came from their leaders. The Federalist Party had so much power because it had the support of two of America's leading men: Alexander Hamilton and George Washington. Hamilton's wealth was perhaps why he saw the need of an aristocratic class in America. Many bills in favor of Federalism were able to be passed because o Washington's presidency, though he believed political parties to be unfavorable. The Republicans were guided by James Madison and Thomas Jefferson, both of whom were two of the most shrewd politicians of their time. Jefferson took the voice of the party, being the more personable of the two. His background as a farmer brought his support of a rural America and agrarian class.

The Federalist and Republican parties were to shape America's social, economic, and constitutional future. Without these groups, America today would perhaps be a different place. The ideals and leaders produced by these groups would forever influence the government of America.


Edit: Rereading my first essay, I bit off way more than I could chew. A link between individuality and culture, and its degradation would need to have a lot more content and considerations.



"I'm gonna keep making drones cause I'm a baller, and ballers make drones." -Snute
Turgid
Profile Blog Joined September 2010
United States1623 Posts
March 22 2011 22:22 GMT
#2
No offense but you can definitely tell this is high school level writing :/ I find starting an essay with a question to be kind of tacky, and repeatedly asking questions in the essay itself to be silly/melodramatic. I had a lot of problems with the content as well but those are what stuck out to me about the way you presented it.
(╬ ಠ益ಠ)
Dalguno
Profile Blog Joined January 2011
United States2446 Posts
March 22 2011 22:38 GMT
#3
On March 23 2011 07:22 Turgid wrote:
No offense but you can definitely tell this is high school level writing :/ I find starting an essay with a question to be kind of tacky, and repeatedly asking questions in the essay itself to be silly/melodramatic. I had a lot of problems with the content as well but those are what stuck out to me about the way you presented it.


None taken! It is very melodramatic, talking about how culture is dying especially.. I'm going to post another essay I wrote at the beginning of this year (one year after this essay), because I guess my real intent in this was to see if I had improved my writing.
"I'm gonna keep making drones cause I'm a baller, and ballers make drones." -Snute
Spekulatius
Profile Joined January 2011
Germany2413 Posts
March 22 2011 22:46 GMT
#4
Reading this, some thoughts came to my mind. I don't remember all of them, but those I still know I'll write down.

1) The topic you're treating is too large for the amount of text you're writing. Individuality and human group behavior is a HUGE deal. If I were you, I'd take a small part out of that, and treat that thoroughly. Like the end part where you talk about the decline of morals caused by the dominance of an urge to act like your group does. This alone is a thesis you could write books about, yet you treat it in one paragraph.
It all leads to the reader's feeling that there are some nice ideas but you don't dig deep enough, you don't discuss enough, you don't give the appropriate space to each subsection that it deserves. My advice: Constrain yourself, your thesis is too broad.

2) Linked to 1: You base your thesis on the behavior of young people (like you, I guess). Although, you draw a conclusion from the social interactions of non-adults to the fall of culture. Again, if you wanna write about the influence of High School social interactions on individuality, do that, but don't invoke the ruination of culture based on young people alone. Hell, if young people were to determine where society would go, we'd all be doomed (in that case, I'd agree with you).

3) Again linked to 1: You say, the situation hasn't always been so dire. You say it's a modern problem. Say why that is, because I don't see it. Again, that's one thing you could write about, but what you're doing is you're dropping a thesis "bomb" and then you move on quickly to the next topic. One can so easily argue with your conclusions because you don't explain yourself well enough.

So, yea. I like the topic itself. I find it extremely interesting, and most readers will agree there, but you can't put that all into a thesis of the length of a recap of a Starcraft game. Put limits to yourself, and it will turn out better.

If I remember my other points, I'll post them.
Always smile~
Weasel-
Profile Joined June 2009
Canada1556 Posts
March 22 2011 22:48 GMT
#5
How can you write about culture without bringing up music, dancing or any other type of art? All you've mentioned are things that people are, and not things that people do. Makes the piece sound very shallow to me.
buhhy
Profile Joined October 2009
United States1113 Posts
Last Edited: 2011-03-22 22:53:15
March 22 2011 22:52 GMT
#6
Humans have always wanted to fit in. It's natural instinct. However, with the development of global communications, it is easy to find out the new "trendy" and "hip" styles. Also, there are the new superstars, from pop idols to movie stars, to supermodels, and even to socialites, which people try to emulate. Remember Pamela Anderson and Ugg boots? Now every girl and their mothers wear Uggs because it's the new trend.

TL;DR: blame the internets and TV.
Edit: also blame commercialization.
Glugs
Profile Joined February 2011
United States1 Post
March 22 2011 23:38 GMT
#7
Like others said, the topic is too large to address in a single short essay. It would probably have worked if you had made it more of a personal reflection on culture. This is what you did, but instead of saying, "these are my perceptions," you said "this is culture." In short, you can make an overly broad topic like the relationship between individuality and group behavior in culture into a personal reflection of it and make it specific to you and thus make your topic fit the length of the essay.
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