EPTBy JackMcCoy
In the grotesque circus that constitutes the American political media, odious pundits and abhorrent talking-heads frequently use the phrase, “invigorate the base” when talking about high-profile events likely to cause a stir among voters. And while this may sound more like a technique for finishing off a hand-job than a shrewd political tactic, what these bilious, festering wounds are referring to is the standard practice of candidates or political parties using any number of tricks or stunts to ignite the passions of their core demographic and call them to action. It’s this cynical practice, targeted at the lowest common denominator, which has resulted in the rise of ego lords like Sarah Palin and Donald Trump in the political process. What the soulless husks behind these tactics have discovered is that the age old adage, “No publicity is bad publicity,” has never been truer than it is today.
By now, you’re probably wondering what this has to do with you and ESPORTS. (Actually, you’re probably wondering how much time you have to kill before your next furious masturbation session, but that’s neither here nor there.) The answer might surprise you! Or it might not, I don’t care. The basic concept is this: instead of trying to promote esports as a viable lifestyle and business model, free of stigma, we should be doing it by being as awful as possible. Crazy, you say? Well I say, shut up and wait your turn, this is my blog. We’ve tried the helpful, reasonable and rational approach to spreading ESPORTS. It hasn’t worked. Video gamers are still branded as social outcasts, potential deviants and generally unproductive remoras, content to survive in a dank basement on a diet of potato chips and energy drinks. Well, I say no more! It’s time we started taking our cues from politics and popular culture, and got down to the business of being bad. Here are some possible game plans, with relevant examples of their previous success.
Going Rogue – Self-proclaimed politician and professional troll Sarah Palin released her first batch of memoirs under this title in 2009. While not a big hit with liberals, the book sold like flu shots to her considerable group of supporters as Palin tried to show that she was an outsider, someone who played it fast and loose, especially when it came to things like “facts” and “integrity.” What was Palin’s reward for excreting this bleating, maddening tome? Despite multiple reviews decrying marked and repeated falsehoods, manipulation or worse, the book sold over 2.7 million copies, vaulting it into the rarified status of being one of the top 5 best-selling political memoirs of all time. Lesson learned? Lie. Say whatever you want about yourself and other people. Those who seek to correct you are “misguided,” “biased” or “creepy stalkers.” Remember, if you start to believe it yourself, other people will believe it too.
Be an asshole – Most scholars will tell you that you that nice guys do finish last. This is generally because they didn’t do anything while an asshole pushed them down on his breathless ascent to the front of the pack. Alpha dogs don’t take any shit. Does anyone even care that Chris Brown beat up Rihanna anymore? Not really. Brown makes frequent television appearances, singing and dancing for small fortunes because we don’t care what people do as long as they entertain us. If anything, the whole situation probably resulted in more twitter followers for everyone involved. Lindsay Lohan? She’s been in court more often than a mob lawyer, yet all it takes is wearing one nice dress to court for Entertainment Tonight to christen Lohan’s stock, “on the rise!” Charlie Sheen, a man who is either actively embracing his inner asshole or is having a very public manic meltdown, is now more popular for ranting and calling himself a Warlock than he was as the star of the most popular comedy on television. James Dean and Michael Jackson told us it was cool to be bad, these trailblazers are just proving that theory.
Scandal! – Nothing says “winning” quite like weathering the storms of a solid scandal. Whether you’re a closeted homosexual Congressman or the Cartman-esque Spanish basketball team that faked being retarded to win a Paralympic gold medal, there’s few things more satisfying than self-righteously telling people to do one thing while you do the complete opposite. One only has to look at former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich to find a shining example of how getting embroiled in scandal can be a great career move. After Blagojevich’s bizarro stint as governor, in which he routinely practiced fraud and hypocrisy, alienated his supporters and allies, and was brought up on 24 federal corruption charges, how was he punished? His wife, Patricia, found herself on the TV show I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! while Rod participated in Celebrity Apprentice and has multiple endorsement deals. Notice the repeated word in that last sentence?
What to take from all of this is simple. The people love a bad boy, and they cheer for you to stand up after you fall, just so they can watch you tumble again. So, esports fans, it’s time to start being bad. Progamers, start drinking excessively, and use drugs during the day. Smoke cigarettes and tell people that you don’t think shoplifting or abortions should be crimes. Threaten members of the press with physical violence, and try your best to impregnate and then abandon as many girls as possible. Advocate making vaccinations for babies illegal, and tell anyone who’ll listen that you think all members of a certain ethnic minority all look the same to you. Do anything you can to get your name out there (besides spending all day practicing). Don’t do it for me. Don’t even do it for yourself. Do it for ESPORTS.
Goodnight, and GLHF.
