EPTStep 1: + Show Spoiler +
CAPS LOCK
Caps lock is like cruise control, but for cool.
Step 2: + Show Spoiler +
Establish credibility
Start by listing your race, followed by “~2400”, and then the division above the one you play in. Even though you are easily one of the top players in the world you will be surprised how many people haven’t heard of you or seen you play (see step 8).
Keep in mind that your opinion is worth nothing unless you played Brood War. You may find it helpful to mention the race you played in BW or post your old ICCup rank. If you don’t have one, don’t panic, you would have been “A” but for modesty’s sake just put “A-“.
Also, be sure to let everybody know that your low post count is because you’re a lurker and not just some noob. This will help them understand the gravity of your post. I like to visualize Idra marveling “oh wow, in order for this to be one of his 18 posts it must be pretty important!”
Step 3: + Show Spoiler +
Crescendo
Before you reveal whatever tragedy just happened to you on the ladder it is important to give some context. Readers LOVE context. Consider including things like where you live, what you ate for breakfast, or how much you <3 day[9]. Give a brief summary of your experiences in SC2 including things that happened during beta involving unit traits that no longer exist. Tell us how your games were going before patch 1.x eventually ruined all video games forever.
BONUS: Include an extremely detailed list of your computers hardware. Real pros will devote their signature to this because it is super important to let people know that your computer was WAY more expensive than theirs.
Step 4: + Show Spoiler +
QQ hard
This step is extremely important if posting in the strategy forum. Not everybody that reads your post plays your race, and even the ones that do may have never experienced the specific pain that motivated your post.
You’re never going to post a replay of the game in question, so help the reader understand by describing the whole thing in excruciating detail no matter how relevant.
Step 5: + Show Spoiler +
Point the finger at Blizzard
Who made all these completely imbalanced units? Who segregated the servers so they could take bazillions of dollars from you? Who paid the blind person that designed Steppes of War? Blizzard did, and buddy, you better let them know.
Want to know a secret about Blizzard? Nobody that works there had ever been on the internet until about mid-January. They are obviously working hard to play catch up but could always benefit from your genius. Suggest several things they should change about the game. Completely disregard development time and budget/manpower issues.
Step 6: + Show Spoiler +
Point the finger at the no-fun jerks who beat you
Obviously Blizzard is the root cause of your problems, but there is also your opponent’s utter lack of class and maturity. I mean really, come on, grown-ups don’t play Terran. Just because you lost the game does not by any means require you to consider yourself at fault. In fact, since it’s not your fault you shouldn’t even watch the replay. Already watched the replay? Re-install SC2 to make sure you never see it again, even by accident.
It is impossible to beat anybody who makes even one Dark Templar, so don’t worry about it and instead question their sexuality. Maybe then they will learn not to use such cheesy, imba strategies.
Step 7: + Show Spoiler +
Insert 4chan memes
Don’t forget that you lost to this strategy over 9,000 times since last Thursday (or for at least 100 years) and you just any moar. Consider adding a motivational poster.
Warning: If you skip this step nobody will know there is a competition to be the first reply.
Step 8: + Show Spoiler +
Threaten to post replays
NEVER RELEASE YOUR SECRETS! Why would you put so much effort into refining your timings just to give them away to some noob for free? F that! Put it off by claiming to be at work so you cant post the replay until you get home, or if you have more time later. People will understand- and to be honest, when people reply and say “I watched your replay and….” they are just lying anyways.
Step 9: + Show Spoiler +
??????
This includes editing your original post several times but never tagging what the edit was in order to create mystique.
Step 10: + Show Spoiler +
PROFIT!
This is the step where you submit your post to the wrong forum. Organizing forums is what moderators are for and you clearly have more important things to do.
Tl;dr + Show Spoiler +
1. CAPS LOCK
2. Lie about your rank
3. Include any and all irrelevant details
4. QQ mega hard
5. Blame Blizzard
6. Blame every other player ever
7. use 4chan memes often
8. Talk about posting a replay (but don’t)
9. ???
10. Profit!
Edit: As for vGl-CoW's blogs they are better, slightly less sarcastic, and involved thought because he is actually good at thinking. Pretty much I just wrote this at work to kill time, which is why there are no replays. I encourage people to read them after this if you haven't, somebody was nice enough to post the links below.
![[image loading]](http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/d/d5/Pedobear.png)
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/OVGm7.jpg)
