EPThttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xFGv7ussVsM&feature=related
"I gotta get get, gotta get home,
hadn't thought it possible, but I forgot my own road..."
It's so funny how easy it is to forget where you came from.
I'm back again.
Korea.
It was fucking hot.
And fucking muggy.
Californians like him only knew one word to describe this kind of shitty weather: gross.
But it was a month in Korea, and he couldn't argue about that.
Wandering around the streets of Seoul with acquaintances he barely knew, visiting family he hadn't met before, meeting with schoolmates and alumni, he started to wonder.
That little question, a seed planted in his heart, a yearningfor that place he couldn't find, started growing rapidly.
Here, at the home of his parents and his ancestors, yet definitely a place they wouldn't recognize, he wondered,
Where is home?
--
"~ Summertime days in the summertime rays ~ How do I love thee let me number the ways ~"
"I gotta get get, gotta get home,
hadn't thought it possible, but I forgot my own road..."
It's so funny how easy it is to forget where you came from.
I'm back again.
Korea.
It was fucking hot.
And fucking muggy.
Californians like him only knew one word to describe this kind of shitty weather: gross.
But it was a month in Korea, and he couldn't argue about that.
Wandering around the streets of Seoul with acquaintances he barely knew, visiting family he hadn't met before, meeting with schoolmates and alumni, he started to wonder.
That little question, a seed planted in his heart, a yearningfor that place he couldn't find, started growing rapidly.
Here, at the home of his parents and his ancestors, yet definitely a place they wouldn't recognize, he wondered,
Where is home?
--
"~ Summertime days in the summertime rays ~ How do I love thee let me number the ways ~"
And let me tell you about how much I hate it.
Summertime is a time of stagnation, doing nothing day in and day out.
The worst part of it is, you don't just stagnate, you get worse.
--
Sitting on his ass at the home of his birth, all he could do was reflect on the year of college he'd finished and his month in Korea.
And the same word kept echoing in his mind,
Childish,
so childish.
Running around, breaking things and using ignorance as a defense,
He could only grimace at himself.
If that's really me,
Then I really don't like me.
I don't like me.
I'll grow up.
It's about time for that, isn't it?
Sitting on his ass in his hometown, that little question, that seed in his heart grew ever larger, constricting his mind.
And the same word kept echoing in his mind,
Childish,
so childish.
Running around, breaking things and using ignorance as a defense,
He could only grimace at himself.
If that's really me,
Then I really don't like me.
I don't like me.
I'll grow up.
It's about time for that, isn't it?
Sitting on his ass in his hometown, that little question, that seed in his heart grew ever larger, constricting his mind.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PyoFsv-jcrA
"To my friends in New York, I say hello
My friends in L.A. they don't know
Where I've been for the past few years or so..."
He got to move in early, because of org obligations. Lying on his bed in the days leading up to classes, he felt something remarkable.
He felt at peace.
And more than that, he was fucking excited.
--
Shit, it's cold...
He's in the East Coast now, wondering what the hell drove him to go to school on the other side of the country, where the weather can actually kill him if he's not careful.
But he relents as soon as he asks himself that.
His breath puffs in front of his face, fogging his glasses. Smiling anyway, he thinks to himself,
I'm here because I chose to be, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Home?
Even if it's just for a little while,
I've found it.
--
"To my friends in New York, I say hello
My friends in L.A. they don't know
Where I've been for the past few years or so..."
He got to move in early, because of org obligations. Lying on his bed in the days leading up to classes, he felt something remarkable.
He felt at peace.
And more than that, he was fucking excited.
--
Shit, it's cold...
He's in the East Coast now, wondering what the hell drove him to go to school on the other side of the country, where the weather can actually kill him if he's not careful.
But he relents as soon as he asks himself that.
His breath puffs in front of his face, fogging his glasses. Smiling anyway, he thinks to himself,
I'm here because I chose to be, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Home?
Even if it's just for a little while,
I've found it.
--
It's been a year and some months since I last posted here.
At least, I think it's been that long. Lemme go bugger off and double check...
...
September 8, 2009. It's December 21, 2010.
Twelve plus...no, it's four.
Anyway.
As I'm checking my formatting to keep it consistent with that last post, again, I can't help but think of how childish I was, even as I was breaking in my 18th year.
Legally an adult, but not really, you know what I mean?
One part especially makes me cringe.
On September 08 2009 11:43 Darrun wrote:
I'd find love, and I'd lose it.
I'd learn and study; I'd fail tests and pass them with flying colors.
I'd relearn piano, and I'd study guitar more in depth. I'd suck and suck, but I'd find a way to be able to perform.
I'd play lacrosse, get my lumps, and love it regardless.
I'd do all this and try my hardest and forget about my all my fears and anxieties.
It was morning again, and I found myself wide awake, excited for the new day.
Because it's an adventure, right? Right?!
I'd find love, and I'd lose it.
I'd learn and study; I'd fail tests and pass them with flying colors.
I'd relearn piano, and I'd study guitar more in depth. I'd suck and suck, but I'd find a way to be able to perform.
I'd play lacrosse, get my lumps, and love it regardless.
I'd do all this and try my hardest and forget about my all my fears and anxieties.
It was morning again, and I found myself wide awake, excited for the new day.
Because it's an adventure, right? Right?!
A lot has happened to prove that even envisioning things like that is just naive.
But just to recap,
- Yeah, I failed (a) test
s. And I dominated others. - Well, I never really forgot how to play piano, but I never had the time to improve both.
- I played lacrosse and despite how much I loved it I realized how much it wasn't worth playing when the stakes are as high as they are--you know, my future and all that.
And love?
Jesus.
How the hell can an 18 year old kid know anything about love?
Well, 19 now.
There're people twice, three times my age who probably don't know jack shit about love.
I never found it, so how could I have lost it?
--
But even more, I realize the kind of pretense that I'm hiding behind.
Recapping my oh-so-scintillating college life 3 semesters in, using the second person to narrate myself...
I hope I don't actually take myself this seriously.
--
It's winter break, so I'm back at my house on the other side of the country.
Aside from physical location, I don't know where I am. I don't really know where I'm going--I know I'm going to try my damnedest to get through college, and to get through it well.
But why do I feel so aimless?
I feel like that insane drive I had to "grow up" at the closing of summer just left me burnt out and disillusioned with myself.
--
"It’s an adventure, right? Right?!
In the world where truths turn into lies
I’ll become strong because dreams exist..."
Winter is a period of hibernation for some species.
In the Catholic tradition, winter coincides with the season of Advent, a period of waiting for the birth of Christ.
It's a season primarily characterized by patience. For four weeks, you prepare yourself for the anniversary (not exactly the same date, but it's kinda close) arrival of God in the flesh.
To get excited again about the promise of the covenant fulfilled.
And to renew yourself for the challenge ahead: another 365 days of contention with, well, life.
So I guess,
I guess that's where I am.
I'm in hibernation. After all the end-of-semester madness (fucking finals, let me tell you about that bullshit) and all the ridiculous exertions,
It's time to hibernate.
To renew.
I may not know where I'm going, but fuck, I'm going somewhere.
That's an adventure on its own, and I'm fucking excited to keep going.
