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Alright, the moment you have all been waiting for! This is a preview, and will be an excerpt from my story when it is written.
Dan was a normal kid. He had a mom and a sister but no dad. He never knew what happened to his dad, his dad hadn't been around since when he was about 3, and his only memories before that were watching his dad play games on the computer, Dan tried to play them himself, but could never figure them out. Other than those memories, Dan knows nothing about his father, and his mother won't talk about it. He thinks his dad died from cancer or some accident, and won't be told until he is almost out of the house. Dan was a straight A/B student, popular in all his classes. His life was very in control. But then he found out about Starcraft, and without knowing, his whole life was about to change.
All criticism is appreciated but please try and keep it constructive. If you post anything stupid, you will probably be banned from my blog and I want as many people viewing as possible. But if you are at this point in the post, thanks for reading and I can't wait to hear from you!
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Is this the beginning of a story you're writing? Or is it the general plot/teaser?
How long is the story?
If it's just the plot, it could very well have potential 
You have terrible grammar skills though. Seriously, I would not be able to read any more if you wrote like that for multiple pages.
That's my honest feedback.
Good luck though!
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On December 20 2010 06:03 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:Is this the beginning of a story you're writing? Or is it the general plot/teaser? How long is the story? If it's just the plot, it could very well have potential You have terrible grammar skills though. Seriously, I would not be able to read any more if you wrote like that for multiple pages. That's my honest feedback. Good luck though!
Yeah, I know I didn't have the best grammar. This is a plot/teaser, I am hoping for it to be about 3 chapters long but I don't know how long each chapter will be. Thanks for the feedback!
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hmm. the memory kicks in after about 3 years, so maybe you want to make his dad disappear when he was about 4 (or about 3 means older than 3?)
Also, sounds like it could be about you, except your name is chris 
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Did his dad abandon the family to play StarCraft?
Sorry if I spoiled the plot.
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On December 20 2010 07:02 Chef wrote:
Did his dad abandon the family to play StarCraft?
Sorry if I spoiled the plot.
Shh, don't say that! (But you maybe be right)
Could you use spoiler tags, not saying you are right, but if that ends up happening, people might get mad or know it's coming
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Hyrule18920 Posts
Is this a fanfic about Artosis?
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On December 20 2010 07:15 tofucake wrote:
Is this a fanfic about Artosis?
Haha, I knew someone would ask. The bane popped in my head, and I was like "someone wil ask about Artosis" but I use it anyways
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Below is a quick critique. Disclaimer: I critique writing professionally and can be extremely nit-picky.
Mechanically speaking, the first things I notice are the grammar and punctuation problems and the choppy sentence structure. There are three types of sentences (there are actually four, but don't worry about the fourth for now): Simple (one subject and one verb), Compound (two simple sentences connected by a conjunction [and, but, or, so, yet, for]), and Compound-Complex sentences (one Compound sentence connected to a third simple sentence through the use of a semicolon). Utilizing all three sentence types, you can much more easily control the flow of the story. Additionally, you can use certain tricks. For instance, if you have a long-winded compound-complex sentence and immediately follow it by a very short simple sentence, the simple sentence will be emphasized. It's sort of like punctuating something with a sentence.
The other mechanical issue I notice is tense disagreement. Example: "Dan knows nothing about his father" is present tense, whereas the story up to that point is in past tense ("..was a normal kid," "he had a mom," etc.).
Stylistically, I feel like there is one main problem that's incredibly common in aspiring writers: you are explaining something to us. An avid writer knows what conclusions he wants his audience to draw, then leads them to that conclusion by showing rather than telling. It's a hard concept to grasp, especially since it's a little bit abstract, but once you get it, you'll never forget it. The best advice I can give in this regard is to utilize literary devices such as imagery and symbolism. Read F. Scott Fitzgerald or Earnest Hemingway. They both are masters of imagery, and both use imagery in a fairly obvious way. For now, though, just know that imagery is, in essence, concrete details that appeal to one of the five physical senses.
The sense I get from this preview is that you're eager, which can be a double-edged sword. Obviously it's important to be passionate about writing, but be careful not to let yourself rush your story. You seem to have a pretty solid understanding of where you want your story to go, and that's a good starting point; however, it's important to lay an intellectual foundation and let your story flow organically. Try to visualize what's happening. Your story should take place mostly visually in your head, and the writing should be the method with which to draw the reader into the world you've created.
I realize that none of this critique is particularly in-depth, and that some of the concepts are sort of hastily outlined. It's hard to give a solid critique with just a small excerpt such as what you provided. Also, the forum is relatively limited in how effective a critique can be since it will often require more writing than the object of that critique.
Also, I would like to be more in-depth with your writing, but I think there are some fundamental issues to which you should attend before moving up to the more intricate aspects of fiction.
The most general advice I can give is to read, read, read! Reading good literature will always help you improve, no matter what level writer you are.
If you'd like a more detailed critique, let me know. I can give you my email or something. Critiques can be anything from pointing out the one issue that sticks out the most to a several-hours-long session wherein each sentence gets picked apart individually. It really depends on how much you're willing to invest in your endeavor.
Hope I helped!
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Canada2480 Posts
On December 20 2010 09:47 Seltsam wrote:
Below is a quick critique. Disclaimer: I critique writing professionally and can be extremely nit-picky.
Mechanically speaking, the first things I notice are the grammar and punctuation problems and the choppy sentence structure. There are three types of sentences (there are actually four, but don't worry about the fourth for now): Simple (one subject and one verb), Compound (two simple sentences connected by a conjunction [and, but, or, so, yet, for]), and Compound-Complex sentences (one Compound sentence connected to a third simple sentence through the use of a semicolon). Utilizing all three sentence types, you can much more easily control the flow of the story. Additionally, you can use certain tricks. For instance, if you have a long-winded compound-complex sentence and immediately follow it by a very short simple sentence, the simple sentence will be emphasized. It's sort of like punctuating something with a sentence.
The other mechanical issue I notice is tense disagreement. Example: "Dan knows nothing about his father" is present tense, whereas the story up to that point is in past tense ("..was a normal kid," "he had a mom," etc.).
Stylistically, I feel like there is one main problem that's incredibly common in aspiring writers: you are explaining something to us. An avid writer knows what conclusions he wants his audience to draw, then leads them to that conclusion by showing rather than telling. It's a hard concept to grasp, especially since it's a little bit abstract, but once you get it, you'll never forget it. The best advice I can give in this regard is to utilize literary devices such as imagery and symbolism. Read F. Scott Fitzgerald or Earnest Hemingway. They both are masters of imagery, and both use imagery in a fairly obvious way. For now, though, just know that imagery is, in essence, concrete details that appeal to one of the five physical senses.
The sense I get from this preview is that you're eager, which can be a double-edged sword. Obviously it's important to be passionate about writing, but be careful not to let yourself rush your story. You seem to have a pretty solid understanding of where you want your story to go, and that's a good starting point; however, it's important to lay an intellectual foundation and let your story flow organically. Try to visualize what's happening. Your story should take place mostly visually in your head, and the writing should be the method with which to draw the reader into the world you've created.
I realize that none of this critique is particularly in-depth, and that some of the concepts are sort of hastily outlined. It's hard to give a solid critique with just a small excerpt such as what you provided. Also, the forum is relatively limited in how effective a critique can be since it will often require more writing than the object of that critique.
Also, I would like to be more in-depth with your writing, but I think there are some fundamental issues to which you should attend before moving up to the more intricate aspects of fiction.
The most general advice I can give is to read, read, read! Reading good literature will always help you improve, no matter what level writer you are.
If you'd like a more detailed critique, let me know. I can give you my email or something. Critiques can be anything from pointing out the one issue that sticks out the most to a several-hours-long session wherein each sentence gets picked apart individually. It really depends on how much you're willing to invest in your endeavor.
Hope I helped!
wow, that's some incredibly constructive criticism
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On December 20 2010 09:57 swanized wrote:Show nested quote +On December 20 2010 09:47 Seltsam wrote:
Below is a quick critique. Disclaimer: I critique writing professionally and can be extremely nit-picky.
Mechanically speaking, the first things I notice are the grammar and punctuation problems and the choppy sentence structure. There are three types of sentences (there are actually four, but don't worry about the fourth for now): Simple (one subject and one verb), Compound (two simple sentences connected by a conjunction [and, but, or, so, yet, for]), and Compound-Complex sentences (one Compound sentence connected to a third simple sentence through the use of a semicolon). Utilizing all three sentence types, you can much more easily control the flow of the story. Additionally, you can use certain tricks. For instance, if you have a long-winded compound-complex sentence and immediately follow it by a very short simple sentence, the simple sentence will be emphasized. It's sort of like punctuating something with a sentence.
The other mechanical issue I notice is tense disagreement. Example: "Dan knows nothing about his father" is present tense, whereas the story up to that point is in past tense ("..was a normal kid," "he had a mom," etc.).
Stylistically, I feel like there is one main problem that's incredibly common in aspiring writers: you are explaining something to us. An avid writer knows what conclusions he wants his audience to draw, then leads them to that conclusion by showing rather than telling. It's a hard concept to grasp, especially since it's a little bit abstract, but once you get it, you'll never forget it. The best advice I can give in this regard is to utilize literary devices such as imagery and symbolism. Read F. Scott Fitzgerald or Earnest Hemingway. They both are masters of imagery, and both use imagery in a fairly obvious way. For now, though, just know that imagery is, in essence, concrete details that appeal to one of the five physical senses.
The sense I get from this preview is that you're eager, which can be a double-edged sword. Obviously it's important to be passionate about writing, but be careful not to let yourself rush your story. You seem to have a pretty solid understanding of where you want your story to go, and that's a good starting point; however, it's important to lay an intellectual foundation and let your story flow organically. Try to visualize what's happening. Your story should take place mostly visually in your head, and the writing should be the method with which to draw the reader into the world you've created.
I realize that none of this critique is particularly in-depth, and that some of the concepts are sort of hastily outlined. It's hard to give a solid critique with just a small excerpt such as what you provided. Also, the forum is relatively limited in how effective a critique can be since it will often require more writing than the object of that critique.
Also, I would like to be more in-depth with your writing, but I think there are some fundamental issues to which you should attend before moving up to the more intricate aspects of fiction.
The most general advice I can give is to read, read, read! Reading good literature will always help you improve, no matter what level writer you are.
If you'd like a more detailed critique, let me know. I can give you my email or something. Critiques can be anything from pointing out the one issue that sticks out the most to a several-hours-long session wherein each sentence gets picked apart individually. It really depends on how much you're willing to invest in your endeavor.
Hope I helped! wow, that's some incredibly constructive criticism
Thats what I asked him for! Thanks for all the feedback, I am writing it down and during my 2 days of school I will be writing chapter 1 which I will have proofed by Seltsam and hopefully a few other TL writers
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EPT
