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Continuing the theme of my last blog entry, I'd like to talk more about long term relationships.
Before I begin, let me restate the point of my last entry:
A good relationship is a very good thing, but relationships are a lot of work. That means that you should not be in one unless you are prepared to do the work, as well as put in the necessary time. Your mindset shifts when in a relationship; after a while the prospect of not being in a relationship generally seems like it sucks (which it does, sorry to say). Staying single while you are still comfortable being so at least puts off this concept.
Now onto today's point:
Being in a relationship can be a great thing, but there are bound to be hardships. No two people can do everything perfectly all the time, and screwups, arguments, and challenges are inevitable. How one deals with those challenges and recovers from them is what strengthens a relationship and further solidifies it for the long term.
Dealing with these challenges however is a sensitive issue, and there are two things one should NEVER do at any time before, during, or immediately after these problems come to light.
1. Never make an important decision during a relationship crisis.
Your mindset during these crises is never in the right place. You might just be looking for a quick fix to ease your distress, or punish the other person when all the cards have not been laid out on the table. Life decisions like moving, booking trips, taking jobs, seeking comfort in other people, etc, should never be made in this state. The best course of action is to ride out the distress, and eventually clarity and communication will come to you and help solve the problem.
Personal example:
>Family vacation planned.
>Girlfriend is upset that you're going away.
>She wanted to go on a trip with you.
>Massive argument ensues. Multiple threats are made...
>...wait...do not make any rash decisions...
>Girlfriend calms down.
>Everything is fine.
>Next time the two of you go on a trip together.
2. Do not listen to other people around you.
No one has a better view into your relationship than you and your girlfriend/spouse/significant other. Why then, would it make any logical sense to listen to outsiders who don't know or see the whole picture? Again, generic advice may be fine, but anyone attempting to give you specific advice for your situation is probably just feeding you poison. Their advice will be highly biased based on their experiences.
Personal example:
>Been with girlfriend for 3.5 years.
>Living with cousin temporarily.
>He is convinced we will not remain together.
>He is 38 years old, single, childless, overweight, lives alone, and has not had a girlfriend for any time that I've known him.
>[sarcasm]He obviously knows a lot about relationships and is not bitter or cynical at all.[/sarcasm]
Edit to #2:
This one seemed to cause the most issues with people, so let me say that I agree with what people are saying. Having people as a sounding board is good - I've done this in the past myself. These have to be people you can trust completely however, as leaked rants will always cause more harm than good (also happened to me). What I was talking about was the difference between honest input from others and clearly negative input, which basically comes down to your assessment of the advice-giver's character. Positive input is probably universally good, simply because only a real asshole would give you positive advice when they know they shouldn't. Many relationship problems tend to be blown out of proportion too (hence #1).
Also, unrelated hilarious example of bad advice:
>Hanging out at night with friends.
>Mention a slight annoyance about girlfriend.
>My friend Pip then chimes in, "You should cheat on her."
>Pip has a lot of problems, one of which being he's never been on a date, ever, at 23.
>'Is this good advice? Hmmm'
tl;dr
Stay the course. Do what makes you happy, stay away from negativity, and never make choices when you are not in the right mindset. Your relationship will only ever be stronger for it.
Next Time
If people would like genuine tips on getting a girlfriend, this will be the topic of my next post. There seemed to be some disappointment in the previous entry because people on TL really would like a girlfriend. Heck, even Day[9] is single (although that may change if you've been keeping up with the Dailies  ).
 
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I'm sorry but I don't agree with number two at all and the example you use leads me to believe that you received such horrible advice in the past and were too wound up to tell just how bias it was.
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On December 17 2010 01:05 Scorcher2k wrote:
I'm sorry but I don't agree with number two at all and the example you use leads me to believe that you received such horrible advice in the past and were too wound up to tell just how bias it was.
Partially agreed. A level headed friend you can confide in is a great person to talk to about your relationship. It's only natural that your own thoughts about your relationship are heavily skewed by emotion. Someone who cares about you, who knows you, and who'll give it to you straight up is invaluable. However, don't listen to someone who obviously doesn't know what they're talking about (i.e. said cousin), or a friend who you just explain one situation to. For someone to ever give you advice on your relationship they need the whole picture, not just snippets of fights or experiences that're on your mind.
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Listen to other people. Shoulda dumped her about 1.5 years faster
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I cannot fully agree with statement no2. Often you can be too involved to not see the whole picture yourself. Other peoples wisdom should be considered, but not swallowed. I agree with the fact a persons example in life does show how established he is, and his words do give weight to his oppinion accordingly. I don't believe that you need to have experience in a relationship (single) in order to have wisdom in a matter, when you have not made the same mistakes, compared to those who have been in several. Listen to those who have been in long lasting relationship, they know what they talk about. I'm a strong believer in gaining wisdom from others faults, to not fall in them yourself. Though easier said than done.
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I TELL YOU! don't listen to other people then yourself about this! I TELL YOU!!!
i think this statement is a little bit ... redundant? :D
Still as in last time you posted this, i think you should add that this is _your_ current opinion. It's obviously not a general truth, which you make it seem to be. cause if anyone would know that, that person would be a relationship god or something like that.
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bookmarked on all my computers by posting here
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All good points, except one.
My cousin is what my one friend would call a "Negative Fuck." I hate people like that, and they really cramp my style, especially when talking about serious life matters. I'm a very nonchalant person, but when people go out of their way to say that I'm doing something wrong, especially when I don't see it that way, it upsets me. Being in a good relationship is not wrong.
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On December 17 2010 02:56 TheGiz wrote:
All good points, except one.
My cousin is what my one friend would call a "Negative Fuck." I hate people like that, and they really cramp my style, especially when talking about serious life matters. I'm a very nonchalant person, but when people go out of their way to say that I'm doing something wrong, especially when I don't see it that way, it upsets me. Being in a good relationship is not wrong.
Shurg, often times you're in "love" so you see your relationship and everything through rose colored glasses. I have a friend who's clearly in love with his GF and thinks his relationship is the greatest thing since slice bread. I'm all for him being happy and all but I and pretty much every mutual friend see his relationship as abusive and unhealthy. Now I wouldn't say anything about it since its not any of my business, but you shouldn't automatically assume that everyone is a negative nancy and is a "hater" if they tell you you're in a fucked up relationship.
I don't know how many past relationship that you had in the past but from what I gathered from your previous post, you're 23-25ish and you've been with your current gf for 3.5 years so it couldn't have been too many.
If people would like genuine tips on getting a girlfriend, this will be the topic of my next post. There seemed to be some disappointment in the previous entry because people on TL really would like a girlfriend. Heck, even Day[9] is single (although that may change if you've been keeping up with the Dailies ).
Also I felt the first paragraph can apply to you since you're in the "definitely going to marry her" mode already and you clearly can't take criticism well. People in your previous blog mainly said its retarded and nonsensical to wait until after college to get a GF and you took it as "TLers would REALLY like a GF".
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Actually Caveman I prefer the term 'relationship goggles.'
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Nice blog. Thanks for sharing
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On December 17 2010 04:12 TheGiz wrote:
Actually Caveman I prefer the term 'relationship goggles.'
There you go, the I knew there was a word for it but it just wasn't cumming to me.
Thanks TheJizz
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My question for OP, what makes you believe that you're qualified to give relationship advice to others?
I take issue with your assumption that what worked for you is also going to work for others. You're taking 1 sample point (your currently successful relationship), and extrapolating across the entire population of couples. That's dubious reasoning to say the least.
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I agree:
- Relationships are a lot of work and you have no business being in one if you're not willing to put in the work.
- When in a dispute or an argument wait until the tensions settle to calmly determine a solution.
I disagree:
- Ignoring or otherwise not seeking other people's advice is a good idea. Actually, I believe this is a poor decision. If you're going to make a major relationship decision it's very wise to check with close friends or parents on whether you're making a good call. They often catch things about the situation that we miss because we're emotionally involved. Here are a few examples:
***In high school I pursued my best friend for years. I asked a friend what she thought of our chances to end up together and she told me our friendship was incredibly unhealthy. After I got this advice I took a step back, found out that my best friend was taking advantage of me.
***A couple months ago my girlfriend of 9 months broke up with me. It happens, whatever, time to move on with my life. Three days later she calls back saying she'd wanted still had feelings for me and had made a mistake. I told her that I needed time to think and would call her back. I immediately got on the phone with parents and, in the process of ranting, I said something to the effect of "Betraying one's love is one of the most effective ways to hurt me, so I need time to let it pass and see if I still want to be with her". I knew immediately this was the right thing to do. That didn't stop me from pitching the idea to 5 close friends and several work acquaintances. No, they didn't have a full grasp on the situation, not like I did, but I at least knew my idea wasn't crazy or unreasonable given the circumstances.
Don't let your friends make the decisions for you, but use them as a sounding board if you're unsure. You'd do the same for them, right?
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You give some good advice, it may not be a good idea to pursue a girlfriend in a hard major... but if you really like someone and could see them as a potential spouse...
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Your girlfriend got ultra-pissed and threatened the relationship because you were going on a family vacation? Maybe your 38 yo cousin's advice isn't as bad as you think it is.
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Your main argument seems to be that advice from people who don't have successful relationships is worthless.
Before I ever was in a relationship, I'd see my parents' friends, some of whom had severely abusive spouses. I didn't say it to them directly, but I thought they'd be better off alone. Was my opinion wrong?
Also, the crappy advice you say to reject is really, really crappy coming from anyone. "Cheat on your gf." Let's say a person who has the happiest relationship in the world says that to you. It's still bad advice.
In short: Straw man arguments aren't very persuasive. Ad hominem attacks aren't very persuasive.
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EPT
