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I have not read the essay yet, but could you post the prompt and the expected wordcount as well? That will help us assess.
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Best college essay I've read so far on TL. I wouldn't change much; it's well written, concise, and emotionally honest. I also really like how it emphasizes your appreciation for your culture and heritage. Colleges love that stuff.
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What college?
And "I'm asian" is the generic essay. Everyone will be submitting it. Not that its bad, but its not stellar
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Uchicago and Umichigan EA. I am doing this prompt:
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. 250 words minimum. I believe I have 555 words.
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On October 29 2010 13:11 ramen247 wrote: Uchicago and Umichigan EA. I am doing this prompt:
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. 250 words minimum. I believe I have 555 words.
You should cut it down to exactly 250 words, to show them that you are efficient.
+ Show Spoiler +
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If you're so proud of your Chinese culture, then why don't you move to China, or do you plan to? Just curious.
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I'm gonna assume this is early action/decision, so here I go:
It's decent. The writing itself is very personable and casual, which can help or hurt you.
What is irking me is the message that you're trying to give out. While I find the story entertaining, by the end of the essay, all I got from the essay was: "Here's someone who realized the true nature of his heritage.....great."
People write about their heritage a lot, and at this moment in time, your story is a bit nonunique in terms of making the reader understand that you're revelation about your heritage is phenomenally different from the revelations of others. By the end of the essay, while the prose is executed well, I'm not going to remember your essay from the many other essays about heritage and realizing the importance of one's origins.
This also leads me to the second problem I see so far: disbelief. I have a hard time believing that your one experience with that Chinese lady suddenly revealed that you needed to pursue Asian Studies and reconnect with your heritage. While the read flowed so that by the end, I wasn't questioning much, admissions offices may be anticipating why this particular experience with this Chinese woman affected you so much.
Because in all honesty, there are a lot of times where I don't know words that my relatives are flinging at me in Mandarin. And I don't feel a sudden revelation to reestablish connections with my heritage....I just feel mildly embarrassed.
This is a really good paper, but I think it's missing a tad bit of believability. On top of that, it was missing some deeper issues.
Talking about being Chinese American is great....but I feel like on top of that, you need to add something else. Your message at the end, while being the most important part of the essay, is the shortest section. Some implication of your heritage maybe would do. Things to think about are (but not necessarily put in your essay, this is just something to spur some more deeper stuff at the end):
1. Have you forgotten your heritage (only briefly explained) 2. Have your parents played a role in Americanizing you? 3. Do you intend on restarting your Chinese lessons? 4. Do you feel like you're on the fringe of both nationalities? 5. Do you feel a sense of pride for your heritage? 6. Why is reconnection of your other half important? (I would argue this is the most important one to think about and write about). 7. What's your goal after pursuing Asian studies?
Hope this helps!
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First of all, you're relatively good on your punctuation, and you're relatively free of false notes wordwise ("ethnic" and "opposite sex" come to mind, though). So I would suggest that we save any actual proofreading for later.
As far as larger-scale changes to your essay go, I have a couple suggestions:
1) I don't walk away from this essay with a clear sense of your thesis. I see a topic: your relationship to your Chinese heritage, but I don't see a real comment on that topic. A couple different problems obtain. First of all, I don't know exactly what you mean by wanting to "recreate the connection" between you and your "Chinese culture." The final paragraph contains far too much cliche to really communicate anything. Second of all, I don't see how the anecdote about you and the girl (which is excellently written, by the way) illustrates a reconnection with your Chinese culture. It seems like you just connected with a specific Chinese girl. Make these things--the nature of your epiphany and the relationship of the shop-conversation to it--explicit to your reader. I'm sure they're in your head. Get them on paper.
2) You've got some paragraph issues up front. I think your first two paragraphs should be one paragraph, and your second paragraph false starts your reader thinking about how it might be ironic that you applied for Asian studies, which is especially problematic because you only return to that question perfunctorily and in the last sentence of your essay.
So yeah let's see a rewrite with a strong thesis that corresponds to the prompt. And let's see more of you, the intelligent guy with an eye for detail, rather than this college essay writer fellow, who wants to talk about reconnecting with his heritage to gain profound insights into the nature of his cultural hybridity.
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All right. I'm echoing what Zergneeds food is saying about doing culture essays
So the big problem is all your experiance showed you is that your chinese. Although being a human is good for these colleges, you need something that sparkles. Discovering your race is comparitivly mundane
Are you seriously considering Asian Studies as what you want to be? What about Pharmacy? Either way you can talk about how it is important not just to be able to know how to treat a patient, but to win their trust and connect to them.
Lastly, I wouldn't put as much 'faults' in your paper. You talk about how your chinese sucks (good fault you need this). But then you also mention that you didn't do anything important over the summer. Just cut that sentance, working in a pharmcy is always good. Save you wordcount and you look better.
(spelling sucks since I'm on the phone)
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HULKAMANIA to the rescue!! I believe he look over my essay before too 5 years ago...
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On October 29 2010 12:47 ramen247 wrote:Hello guys! After a month of schoolwork and the ongoing struggle between me and college apps, I have come to you guys again for advice on my college essay. EA deadline, as said in the title, is dangerously close, so I would really really appreciate if you guys shared some knowledge with me. all comments are welcome. I need all I can get. + Show Spoiler +My own thoughts on the essay: my conclusion is kinda rough? I want to tighten it up. lack of an "epic" aspect to my essay. too generic perhaps? and I am not sure about this but maybe my anecdote is a little boring? no title yet Essay: + Show Spoiler + For a long time, I did not understand why I studied Chinese. Every Saturday for three years, I would attend Chinese School to learn my ethnic language alongside my normal schoolwork.
Through those years, I learned without purpose; I just blindly absorbed the pinyin and memorized passages but found little use for it in my life. In school I spoke English, and at home, I could speak in English as well. The knowledge was pushed aside and collected dust in a lonely corner of my head. Ironically, I decided to apply to college for Asian Studies.
Last summer, I didn't build homes for the poor in Guatemala nor do groundbreaking research with Nobel Laureates, but worked alongside a pharmacist as her technician in a Chinese pharmacy. My workday mainly consisted of scanning prescriptions or working the cash register selling merchandise, which I preferred because of interaction with Chinese customers. Because of my previous Chinese schooling, I could speak well enough to efficiently communicate with the customers. However, three years of schooling has its limits and occasionally, I had trouble following especially inquisitive customers and went to my boss for aid.
One day, the store was not busy, so my boss decided to leave me alone in the store while she ran an errand. Moments later, a young female customer walked in to inspect our beauty care section. While she was preoccupied, I mentally readied myself by preparing responses to any questions she might ask. I started to get nervous because the boss would not be here to come to my rescue, and I did not want to give a bad impression of myself, especially to the opposite sex. She finally asked a question, but it was so specific and the vocabulary was so advanced that my first instinct was to say, “Huh?” Laughing and shaking her head, the female customer turned back to the products. She had the wrong impression of me. She thought I was clueless and too Americanized to know any Chinese. To show her otherwise, I quickly replied with, “What, I did not understand.” She nodded encouragingly and asked the question again. Her attitude had completely changed just because I showed her that I could speak and would try my best to speak Chinese. She then seemed eager for my help, especially because she could not read the English labels. I struggled a lot – I could not translate specific terminology. When I had to translate “anti-wrinkle cream,” I mentally scrambled for the right words, but they never came and I resorted to physically gesticulating the word, “wrinkle.” By running my fingers down my face and pressing my cheeks to create creases, I was able to show her what I was trying to say. She confirmed this by asking, “Do I have any?” to which I quickly retorted “No, of course not!” This experience showed me what I learned Chinese all these years for – to recreate the connection between me and my Chinese culture. I am a Chinese American and to only be suited to the American ways means I am only half of what I could be. By further pursuing Asian Studies, I can hope to reconnect with the other half of me so I can be complete with the best of both worlds.
what's the topic this essay is responding to?
There definitely lack of epicness. Maybe you should convey the importance for such connection back to your ethnicity. I think you can reword "This experience showed.." to another phrase so you don't have to explicitly state that.
BTW, do you live in NYC?
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On October 29 2010 13:42 artofmagic wrote:HULKAMANIA to the rescue!! I believe he look over my essay before too  5 years ago... Yes, sir. I remember that. Back then I was in college writing essays. Now I'm gainfully employed teaching college students to write essays. I just can't escape essays. Must be destiny.
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On October 29 2010 13:50 artofmagic wrote:Show nested quote +On October 29 2010 12:47 ramen247 wrote:Hello guys! After a month of schoolwork and the ongoing struggle between me and college apps, I have come to you guys again for advice on my college essay. EA deadline, as said in the title, is dangerously close, so I would really really appreciate if you guys shared some knowledge with me. all comments are welcome. I need all I can get. + Show Spoiler +My own thoughts on the essay: my conclusion is kinda rough? I want to tighten it up. lack of an "epic" aspect to my essay. too generic perhaps? and I am not sure about this but maybe my anecdote is a little boring? no title yet Essay: + Show Spoiler + For a long time, I did not understand why I studied Chinese. Every Saturday for three years, I would attend Chinese School to learn my ethnic language alongside my normal schoolwork.
Through those years, I learned without purpose; I just blindly absorbed the pinyin and memorized passages but found little use for it in my life. In school I spoke English, and at home, I could speak in English as well. The knowledge was pushed aside and collected dust in a lonely corner of my head. Ironically, I decided to apply to college for Asian Studies.
Last summer, I didn't build homes for the poor in Guatemala nor do groundbreaking research with Nobel Laureates, but worked alongside a pharmacist as her technician in a Chinese pharmacy. My workday mainly consisted of scanning prescriptions or working the cash register selling merchandise, which I preferred because of interaction with Chinese customers. Because of my previous Chinese schooling, I could speak well enough to efficiently communicate with the customers. However, three years of schooling has its limits and occasionally, I had trouble following especially inquisitive customers and went to my boss for aid.
One day, the store was not busy, so my boss decided to leave me alone in the store while she ran an errand. Moments later, a young female customer walked in to inspect our beauty care section. While she was preoccupied, I mentally readied myself by preparing responses to any questions she might ask. I started to get nervous because the boss would not be here to come to my rescue, and I did not want to give a bad impression of myself, especially to the opposite sex. She finally asked a question, but it was so specific and the vocabulary was so advanced that my first instinct was to say, “Huh?” Laughing and shaking her head, the female customer turned back to the products. She had the wrong impression of me. She thought I was clueless and too Americanized to know any Chinese. To show her otherwise, I quickly replied with, “What, I did not understand.” She nodded encouragingly and asked the question again. Her attitude had completely changed just because I showed her that I could speak and would try my best to speak Chinese. She then seemed eager for my help, especially because she could not read the English labels. I struggled a lot – I could not translate specific terminology. When I had to translate “anti-wrinkle cream,” I mentally scrambled for the right words, but they never came and I resorted to physically gesticulating the word, “wrinkle.” By running my fingers down my face and pressing my cheeks to create creases, I was able to show her what I was trying to say. She confirmed this by asking, “Do I have any?” to which I quickly retorted “No, of course not!” This experience showed me what I learned Chinese all these years for – to recreate the connection between me and my Chinese culture. I am a Chinese American and to only be suited to the American ways means I am only half of what I could be. By further pursuing Asian Studies, I can hope to reconnect with the other half of me so I can be complete with the best of both worlds. what's the topic this essay is responding to? There definitely lack of epicness. Maybe you should convey the importance for such connection back to your ethnicity. I think you can reword "This experience showed.." to another phrase so you don't have to explicitly state that. BTW, do you live in NYC?
yes i do. Thank you everyone for your comments.
I will look them over many times.
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PARTY PARTY WOOHOO. SENDING IN MY UPENN ED TOMORROW TOO WOOOHOOO.
Anyway. I promise to edit this post with actual help ><.
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I think you need to restructure as well as clarify your main theme. What the incident you describe shows is merely that language is helpful for communication. But your essay is about how the incident rekindled a desire to connect with your heritage. Your example does not support your conclusion. Your story somewhat implies you want to learn Chinese so that you don't give off the impression of being too Americanized again. In that case your motivation is not very inspiring, and still needs to be clarified further. If you use a few more adjectives to describe the woman, for example if you write she was attractive, and that you were drawn to her, then your conclusion would make slightly more sense. Better yet if you elaborate on how good you felt from helping someone using Chinese, then your conclusion would finally seem logical, but horribly cliched.
As it stands your story is very vague and difficult to interpret. I'm guessing you felt good from interacting with the woman. But what made you feel good, and how did that feeling inspire you to take up Asian studies? There's a huge gap between your body and your conclusion. Think back to the encounter and actually write down your thoughts. I know HS English teachers probably tell you everyday to "show, don't tell". That advice often leads to very muddled and detached writing. You want to convey your thoughts accurately and in a concise manner when making a point. If your story is true, you should have little trouble talking about what really inspired you. Just remember to be clear. GL
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I'm guessing college essays only make a difference if you're borderline markswise? Glad you don't have to do them in australia.
Your essay seems well enough written. The conclusion is kinda, 'wow my passion is engrained below my level of consciousness". Fairly persuasive and puts you across as a good person.
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On October 29 2010 13:50 HULKAMANIA wrote:Show nested quote +On October 29 2010 13:42 artofmagic wrote:HULKAMANIA to the rescue!! I believe he look over my essay before too  5 years ago... Yes, sir. I remember that. Back then I was in college writing essays. Now I'm gainfully employed teaching college students to write essays. I just can't escape essays. Must be destiny. Nice we have an essay instructor in these parts. I'll yell at you next year when it's my turn.
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On October 29 2010 14:13 Ludrik wrote: I'm guessing college essays only make a difference if you're borderline markswise? Glad you don't have to do them in australia.
Your essay seems well enough written. The conclusion is kinda, 'wow my passion is engrained below my level of consciousness". Fairly persuasive and puts you across as a good person. Depends on the uni. I know these two schools really care.
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