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on a second note and after reading the post of MightyAtom,
people are drawn together for intimate relationships because they are technically animals and like them evolutionarily streamlined for procreation. as such, intimate relationships are not meant to last. a study by helen fisher et al suggests a cut-off of no less than 4 years.
the dualism between humans as intellect and humans as animal sets us up for a large potential for problems.
i know this wont help your mother with her immediate feelings (i have been through a painful experience like this myself). but accepting that we are animals and driven to behaviour which causes problems (your mother engaged in a relationship with your father for the same biological reasons for which he proceeded to 'cheat' on her), knowing that it is not meant to last and that we can never be sure to truly know a person, like described in my previous post, might help to alleviate the pain in the long run and avoid running into it again.
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Sue the crap out of him
it sounds stupid but i've seen people sueing each other for less, WAY less
lol, because he's violated ... which law? (what he did was wrong of course, but as far as I can see its not something illegal)
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just take ur mom out and have some nice times with her alone
she will feel like she has no one in the world and you need to be a friend to her
dont talk about this shit just give her someone she can rely on and think about when shes feeling shitty
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I've been going out with this asian girl recently and she told me that in her homecountry if a husband cheats on his wife it's always her fault because apparently she isn't good enough.
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Try and comfort your mom but don't try to get revenge against your dad or anything. Over time, I think you should try and forgive your dad, because (and I am just assuming this because he is your dad) he probably still loves you and didn't intentionally want to hurt you. Adults make mistakes, too, and he probably did what he did out weakness. (I'm not saying that your mom and him should stay together, definitely not.)
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Can't say I've been in a similar situation but my father also cheated on my mother while overseas for several years and although he still paid maintenance after they separated and my standard of living didn't really decline the emotional impact is extreme. Just make sure you are there for your family as best you can be, it'll get better in time, regarding contacting your dad I haven't seen him since he left (10 years now) and at times it's hard if you can I'd advise you try and remain In touch but that is your decision.
Just remember things will get better. Good luck.
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Hong Kong20321 Posts
On October 24 2010 23:56 News wrote:
I've been going out with this asian girl recently and she told me that in her homecountry if a husband cheats on his wife it's always her fault because apparently she isn't good enough.
im chinese and im going to tell you thats a huge load of undiluted horse shit.
ok that was a bit of an overreaction but even if it was like that in whatever country she's from, that kind of view is simply ridiculous.
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damn, I can almost understand what you are feeling... my dad and mom have been fighting for YEARS now and I never knew why ( but have my reason to doubts it was probably my dad having a one time affair ) and once when i was have a fight with my parents about whether i was going to med school or engineering my parents starting fighting between them and i went to my room and heard my dad say whatever he's not even my son... soo yeah after 19 years of existence, ive been living with someone i thought was my dad, but i never got confirmation of this cause i don't know how to ask " duuuh are you my real dad lolkbaithx ?"
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On October 25 2010 02:11 alffla wrote:Show nested quote +On October 24 2010 23:56 News wrote:
I've been going out with this asian girl recently and she told me that in her homecountry if a husband cheats on his wife it's always her fault because apparently she isn't good enough. im chinese and im going to tell you thats a huge load of undiluted horse shit. ok that was a bit of an overreaction but even if it was like that in whatever country she's from, that kind of view is simply ridiculous.
Another thing she said - if you get raped you don't tell anyone (probably has to do with corrupt officials too) because your family won't forgive you/family reputation ruined forever. She's from Kazakhstan though.
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Another thing she said - if you get raped you don't tell anyone (probably has to do with corrupt officials too) because your family won't forgive you/family reputation ruined forever. She's from Kazakhstan though.
Asia is pretty big, let's not lump all 'asians' into one culture please. Arab, Persian, Chinese, Indian, Japanese, etc are all fairly distinct.
The last stupidity we want is to say Arab = Japanese because both are 'asian', and then proceed to call an Arabic person a cultural traitor because he doesn't practice Shinto or something.
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On October 25 2010 02:53 Kalingingsong wrote:Show nested quote +
Another thing she said - if you get raped you don't tell anyone (probably has to do with corrupt officials too) because your family won't forgive you/family reputation ruined forever. She's from Kazakhstan though.
Asia is pretty big, let's not lump all 'asians' into one culture please. Arab, Persian, Chinese, Indian, Japanese, etc are all fairly distinct. The last stupidity we want is to say Arab = Japanese because both are 'asian', and then proceed to call an Arabic person a cultural traitor because he doesn't practice Shinto or something.
Wow. Did I say something like that? I need to start rereading my own posts. I doubt it though.
In a way Kazakhstan can be more similar to Arab countries these days since they are ~65% muslim.
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Lol, your dad has some strong yellow fever going on, that is just hilarious. I didn't know people actually traveled to Asia for that.
Just cut him out of your life and quit talking to him; parents are highly overrated. Not having a troublesome parent around is pretty cool. Your mother will probably have a harder time reaching the correct conclusion.
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On October 24 2010 17:29 LastWish wrote:
In the end you'll have to accept the fact that this happends in the world, was probably happening since the beginning of the ages.
It's natural to a significant percentage of human beings.
Finding the victims isn't usually helping, trying to work it out for the future is the only choice.
Thats actually really depressing man, lol thanks xD
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Wow. Did I say something like that? I need to start rereading my own posts. I doubt it though.
In a way Kazakhstan can be more similar to Arab countries these days since they are ~65% muslim.
I think it's better if people stopped using the words 'asia/asians' and get more specific from the beginning, that's my point.
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I don't get this, ur dad lived 10 years away ? how many times did he visit u? did he send money?
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Don't get too worked up over it. As the other posters have said, take care of your family first and make sure your mom doesn't try to kill your dad or something. If your dad isn't a total douche, I'm sure he didn't mean harm (not that it excuses him), so try to be a little understanding and don't let emotion cloud your judgment. Ultimately, you have to let your parents decide what the best course of action is.
I've pretty much seen my father for a total of 1.5 months over a span of 12 years since I was 9, and I'm under no illusions that he stayed faithful during that entire time away from the family. Still, I accept him for who he is, no matter how much I hate his views on life.
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I'm not sure I understand. Your father was living in Asia while you live in NZ for.... 10 years ?! Did you see him often enough ?
I feel sorry for your mom and your dad is a dick if he has been lying for 10 years but really I cannot blame him for having love affairs on his side of the earth (if he actually just live there without seeing you often, if he was returning home often that is a different story). I just wished he would have been honest with your mom about it because now it looks like she has been imagining things for 10 years and it crashes down.
Oh and not taking responsibility about his choices by blaming others of course...
On a side note it's he's duty to continue to support you as his child no matter what happens.
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why are so many people in this thread so angry
On October 25 2010 06:11 n00bination wrote:
Don't get too worked up over it. As the other posters have said, take care of your family first and make sure your mom doesn't try to kill your dad or something. If your dad isn't a total douche, I'm sure he didn't mean harm (not that it excuses him), so try to be a little understanding and don't let emotion cloud your judgment. Ultimately, you have to let your parents decide what the best course of action is.
I've pretty much seen my father for a total of 1.5 months over a span of 12 years since I was 9, and I'm under no illusions that he stayed faithful during that entire time away from the family. Still, I accept him for who he is, no matter how much I hate his views on life.
this is a good position to take
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breach of trust is a terrible thing, but understand that vengeance, whether material or intangible, is not really going to help any. Adultery is one of those few crimes where all involved have a choice, not an easy choice admittedly, but a choice none the less, about whether to be hurt or not. Do not encourage the negative emotions in yourself or your family, Just get on with it and try and have a glass half full attitude.
be forgiving, be courteous, but don't be foolhardy. If your father wishes to regain your trust- expect him to earn it, but let him do so.
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EPT
