EPTI just lost a hon game. first loss tonight-- playing with friends makes that game so much better
in good times. Losses are the worst. They come after many games we've won- they always do. we win
win
win win win
lose
LOSE
LOSE LOSE LOSE rage builds and it makes me sad. uhh how I hate to be sad. really sadness is the soggiest of feelings don't you think? It's damp. its wet and oily. i feel it is everywhere though. Everyone gets sad. everyone. well, everyone... uhg words like these bother me so. i suppose specifically I mean everyone i've ever encountered.
no i meant to say sadness really is everywhere, for all of us. How much I wish to destroy it. Disappointment makes me sad. And let me tell you this world is full of disappointment. Disappointment lurks in everything for it is a dirty trickster. It can come from nowhere and attack anything that is why it is so hard to elude.
ah- that reminds me of something else I want to say, but patience!
I find that i disappoint myself more than I disappoint others. That is such a backward way to live. Fuck others. Truly I care for other people, I honestly do, but the fact I shall disappoint myself before them is truly sick and breeds more sadness.
fuck em I don't want to slight myself for anyone, yet oftentimes it feels the best course of action.
I often ask the question, "What right do I have?" I think sadness is somewhere in this question for me- at least the most common kind. My best friend disappointed me recently which for the first time ever made me reconsider this question. (I've asked it for years- since 5th grade. I can remember the first day I realized that people don't act based on right, but I wanted to... so badly. I wanted to have the RIGHT to act as I saw fit. But really what is that right? Ah- that is an answer for a philosopher, I truly am not one.) But yes! My friend... oh my best friend.
Before I don't think ever I've been disappointed by someone else. Honestly, my parents do a fine job (imo, i love my parents so much.) My sister has many flaws which I'd rather not delve into, but disappoint me? Never. Not that she hasn't followed through. Hell that happens ALL the time. Nono I mean disappoint me totally unexpectedly. Through action that really I never saw. It's a strange thing to describe, but I'll start it with this. I remember talking to another good friend of mine about self growth. How much I hungered after it. I want to become better, faster, stronger! (lol) but truly that is how I feel. Self improvement from health to mental state is what governs my life. My friend said to me after I discussed this for a while this- "What about the downward spiral? Don't you see people on that track ALL the time." Maybe I was naïve but I didn't believe it. -I go to high school. I see people who must be on this cycle EVERY day- I didn't want to see it. I turned a blind eye. However, not a week later my friend practically destroyed the love of two best friends by messing around with both of them.
Wow that got me thinking... Pimin' really isn't that great. Holy shit I've never seen such open destruction. I was with him when they both found out. haha we were both coming down from being high and drunk. The girls were not... (the coming down part.) both were so drunk. so drunk... -now I laugh. A lot. at myself at other people at the way the world is I laugh out loud awkwardly in the halls. ALWAYS the world is so funny to me- when the news finally sunk in my friend laughed. like me. AT THIS?! but this was not a laugh of taking a step back, reflecting, and realizing the reality of the scenario, but of pure hilarity. How funny it must be to destroy a friendship. I'm not really one to believe in good and evil, but damn... If I've ever seen evil it was that. There was a satanic shrill to that high pitched exhale. The glimmer of tears of laughter looked more like the humanity spilling out of my BEST FRIEND.
this was 2 months ago
2 months...
wtf how did it take this long for me to be disappointed. I LAUGHED TOO. My god! What a situation, I thought. I wonder how this one will blow over. Naw it hasn't. I love mahini's quote. Seriously, LOVE it.
"Life's a playground, it's just everyone forgets once in a while."
(not direct quote)
This is the first time I would disagree. I really don't get what is different here, but this act of careless destruction has done not but hurt.
But fuck the act
who cares we all fuck up. right?
Not my friend. Nono. I talked with him and there is laugher now. No reflection. no growth. Would you do it again? -yes
yes? YES? I can't see yes. I don't believe I heard it. But fuck em. What right do I have? What right do I have to interfere and say, "You asshole. This isn't a joke. You've hurt these people and if I was your father I would make you beg for forgiveness- not before I forced you to fix it however you can. I don't care if it isn't fixable. Make it happen." but I'm not his father. WHAT RIGHT DO I HAVE to tell him what's on my mind? Ah, that question again... Soon we find ourselves dripping in the sweat that is sadness.
I like biggie smalls. Notorious B.I.G. seriously he is amazing. I blast that shit, really I do... I confess it. I'm that guy who has the minivan playing gangster ass rap in my crackerass town with my crackerass friends in my upper-middle class home. I've never seen a crack rock in my life haha let alone any serious amount of black people in my area. Honestly- there are 3 people of african descent in my graduating class this year. 3 more in the rest of the school. I'm so distant to the struggles of the ghetto yet it doesn't bother me that I love the music from it. Eh, just something I thought I'd mention.
All I wanna do is party and bullshit anyway. hahaha
Well, I did. Ah, senior year what a trip it's been. It happened so fast and I was fucked up for so much of it. Freshman, Sophomore, Junior, PARTY AND BULLSHIT. really that is how it should go. I made so many friends this year. it was great... SO great! for the first time ever I felt I could interact compeletly freely. I never had a problem making friends- no. I never had a PROBLEM with dealing with other people- no. But this year... I felt I could almost be myself as I dealt with these people. no longer.
I feel changed. We're always changing, but there are only so many times I feel changed. -A good friend of mine talks about how everyone is really 12. I don't believe him. Are the majority of us 12... ya but we're not all 12... I think when you feel so changed you get older. And all of a sudden that useless number that counts your trips around the sun becomes a part of you- was gonna right something about this, but fuck girls is on my mind so that's where we're going.
you remember your first crush?
Mine was named Ashely *giggle*
How could I fall in love with someone I hardly even knew? Because I LOVED her. Ya. I was in 4th motherfucking grade. I KNEW what love was and I LOVED ashley.
LOL
what is a crush now anyway. I think they're gone for me. At least they have been for a good few months. there's so many levels to it. someone I'd want to talk to -eh. someone I'd want to bang -sure? someone I'd want to listen to -ew... someone I'd want to listen to me -boring... so that leaves what? am I aiming too high? Disappointment is everywhere now.
HAHAHA as I type this my emma watson wallpaper comes up. wow I want to look behind those sunglasses that stare back at me so blackly. she's got a few freckles on her noes- I like that. I've got that. I used to be so practically ginger status I really like light freckleage. Ah that hair though. Man, I love long hair. I shaved my head for practical reasons, but god wasn't having a mane of hair great. She holds her hand oh so provocatively behind her hair. Twirling it. That is possibly the most appealing action ever. I can't think of one I would rather see.
haha I went on a walk today. Ever walk in the dark? It's finally warm here (snows tomorrow tho wtf?) and I walked to NCAR. A local research lab thing up on a hill. A huge hill. I live so close to the mountains. They are almost in my backyard. I wish I could climb them all I love them so much. They point me west and they stare at me so calmly wether in snow or in raw heat. Someone calls them the flatirons. I remember hearing a tourist ask "Why are they called that?" the only answer is because they look like flat- irons? that's what my mother told me.
haha wtf is a flatiron?! who is dumber the tourist or my mother? Ah we'll never know.
But honestly though walking- it straightens your thoughts. I should have walked then written this. Not played hon, got high, then written this. I think it would have been better- whatever better means. I think it's time to end. I'm putting off sleep here because fuck sleep. There's this nasty image in my head that comes up when I try to sleep now. I went and saw body worlds. There was a fetus that looked so sad. so much sadder than any human. I dunno how I feel about it it's so strange. However I feel though I know it comes to me before I sleep and I am disappointed by that.
