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A (musical) review I wrote...

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Katkishka United States658 Posts March 27 2010 15:57 GMT #1 edit: :V

sharkeyanti United States1273 Posts March 27 2010 16:37 GMT #2 Most of you issues are stylistic. - Use fewer commas - Do not refer to the artist by his first name. - There is no reason to say "in my opinion," that's the point of the review. Redundancy is much worse than you might think. - The "Triangular Orbit" paragraph should be attatched to the paragraph preceding it if you phrase it that way. If you want to keep it separate, be more clear about how it is thrown in. - Good use of verbs, you've got that set fairly well. - Using "To start," has no purpose unless we really need to see direction. But we understand that this is the first song you are talking about. Sometimes it seems like you are varying up your sentences, but it really says the rest of your sentence is weakly designed. Remove "All in all" and such. - In general, take out the fluff and always think about whether you are arguing or describing. A reviewer does both, so you need a balance that informs the reader/potential listener clearly. This review is good and fairly well-organized, but not something I would reference or rely on if I had never listened to the guy, which I have not.

Katkishka United States658 Posts March 27 2010 16:40 GMT #3 Ahh thanks a ton, I'll go edit it a little once I wake up. your help is greatly appreciated. <3 Oh, and can you give me a good example of "- In general, take out the fluff and always think about whether you are arguing or describing. A reviewer does both, so you need a balance that informs the reader/potential listener clearly."? I don't quite understand what you mean there, so a visual (see: readable) example would be great.

sharkeyanti United States1273 Posts March 27 2010 18:54 GMT #4 Sure thing man, you should start writing some reviews like once a week in your TL blog or elsewhere to practice and have some fun. The paragraph starting with "Heinsen's goal" has a few sentences that could be summed up in maybe one long sentence. Fluff is the stuff the adds words to a piece of writing that is not really necessary. Proofread again, there are some iffy syntactical ideas, and you missed a few obvious things. Read the whole thing out loud and you'll see where you made your mistakes. Also, look up how the word "However" works. It's not too big of a deal because we have dialectic acceptance of the word, but if you were to submit this to a publication they may have some qualms.

Katkishka United States658 Posts March 29 2010 21:21 GMT #5 Thanks again for all of your feedback sharkey, I just got accepted into the review team I applied for. Just thought I'd let you know that your efforts didn't go to waste. ^_^

sharkeyanti United States1273 Posts March 31 2010 14:54 GMT #6 Ooo congrats, can I ask where?

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