emo blog mk IV

On February 14 2010 04:03 WhiteNights wrote:
You see this way instead of being miserable for years and years, they will be sad for a few months and then get over it.

On February 14 2010 04:03 WhiteNights wrote:
Apparently all I do is make life miserable for everyone around me

On February 14 2010 05:47 Arrian wrote:
Most people I know who feel these things end up playing WoW instead. It's like being dead to the real world, but you still need to eat and breathe. You should try it sometime.

On February 14 2010 06:13 WhiteNights wrote:
the suicidal train of thought has left the station and now I am in the mindset where nothing matters and the future is a dim uncertain gray haze rather than a black void and everything is okay and life goes on.

On February 14 2010 07:30 Equaoh wrote:


Well, that problem seems to have corrected itself.

On February 14 2010 08:39 Kaniol wrote:
I remember this quote that it takes more courage to live than to die. And that is true, whatever problems one does have there is always the way to make things better, because suicide is never an option. It's just like with many alcoholics - they drink and this makes them problems so they drink even more to "solve" their problems but this doesn't solve anything, just makes things worse. Working on yourself is the best solution

On February 14 2010 06:13 WhiteNights wrote:
Thank you for all your advice.

I don't understand myself. I have the biggest fucking mood swings in the world. There are days when I am a normal, functioning, human being but every day there's about a 50% chance that something sets me off and I become absolutely suicidal for three or five hours and literally the only thing I can think about is how I'm a failure and how I should kill myself soon so as to not drain resources with my continued existence (as a constant train of thought while doing other things, like browsing TL doing homework driving or eating) and that the only thing left for me is death. It usually is triggered when my parents ream me out for doing something like staying up twenty minutes past my bedtime (I'm 18 it's really quite fucking sad) or putting something off for a day and even though they stop being angry after fifteen minutes (only sometimes they storm in in the morning to yell at me further or it stays quiet for a day or two before I get bitched out for it again) I'm still fantasizing about the best way to kill myself hours later but it's not necessary for that to happen sometimes it happens for no reason at all.

And then when I'm not in that kind of mood, everything is fine. I recognize that my attitude is really fucking stupid and I can think about other things like getting my shit done or talking with friends or getting some work done or whatever (although I usually end up wasting a lot of my time on something useless because I am usually drowning in apathy.) Self-improvement doesn't really cross my mind, because nothing I can see from my low vantage point seems inspiring at all and when I get introspective about it my neurotic brain engages the "you are a fucking failure" switch and I either become depressed or stop thinking and do something else.

So that's me, switching between apathy and despair (mostly apathy). You can see in two hours the suicidal train of thought has left the station and now I am in the mindset where nothing matters and the future is a dim uncertain gray haze rather than a black void and everything is okay and life goes on.