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1/12 of the year is over.
It has been one pathetic month.
My goal is simple: finish my novel. At 1286 pages, it is halfway complete. The first half of these pages are exceptionally old (up to 7-8 years), and require significant reworking. I am starting from the beginning, revising and adding as I go along. A few days ago I reached the 142 page mark in my revision.
My schedule and calculations tell me that if I write 5 pages a day, something that should be easy considering I have zero obligations elsewhere, I should be able to make the deadline. There is always times where I can write a lot more - up to 20-30 pages in one sitting - because of rare occurences where I can focus. I type with two fingers at a peak of 100wpm and an average of 70. If I can set my mind to one task, I can accomplish that task. I can do this. It is within my power.
I swore an oath to finish this novel by the end of 2010 no matter the cost to my physical or mental welfare. This novel is the pinnacle of my life's work. It is, in a word, my life itself. I have no other value, no other substance. I will never work, I will never have someone to call close. This here, this is everything.
But standing in my way are mental problems vast and overwhelming. Every kid in college suffers from procrastination and lethargy, but this is an entirely different demon. Without settling on a specific diagnosis, through personal research and the opinions of the Canadian Mental Health, I have traits of Aspergers, Autism, and Schizophrenia. Everything from manic depression to paranoia to, the worst of it all, the inability to focus or find motivation. Every time I attempt to do something such as write I am met with an inescapable mental barrier of tremendous magnitude. My very code is corrupt thanks to parents who abused alcohol and their cursed blood lines.
I have been on varying drugs for about half a year now, but they are doing nothing to fight this demon. Every day is spent in anguish for one reason or another. Simply getting out of bed to take on the day is something I wish I never had to do. But my dream calls to me. I cannot deny what it is I must do.
In the wake of minor tonsillitis, I have been sick for nearly two weeks now from a severe cold that took advantage of my weakened immune system. Sneezing fits have turned my body into a wreck, headaches have driven me astray, even eye pain has forced me aside at many intervals. I am recovering now, so this chapter is closing.
This month was not a complete loss, however. I was able to challenge the designs of two of my races - the Zelconian and the Zegredark - and model ships for the both of them.
Note neither of them are technically finished. I rendered with no smoothing to get an idea of how the lighting will look inside a 3d game. Much of the smoothing was done by hand in vertex editing and still needs perfecting to achieve what I desire.
Also note that I cannot uvw or texture/skin. They will never have textures.
Zegredark Hydromek Destroyer - 6.9k polies (lol 69)
Zelconian Predator-class - 8.1k polies
February comes quickly. With this month I must forge ahead and make up for the time lost in this month. I need to do double the work.
TL is a place of many talents and has many stories to tell. Perhaps one day I will tell you of my life. My story is a depressing, sad tale. There is no glory to be had here. There is no salvation to be wrought from the clutches of madness. Only one man, and the dream he has fought his entire life for. The Oath he swore to reach that dream, and the struggle he faces to fulfill that oath. This man will soon die. But before he dies, he will complete his mission. That is all this man cares about. That is all he has ever cared about.
Every month I shall report on my progress. Every month I must step back and ask myself if this is the direction I should be taking. Any man can tell himself he needs to improve. But greatness is forged only through the flames of conviction. To overcome my demons, to overcome the harsh realities of life, I need to force the hand of evolution. Too long have I allowed this dream to dance about in the furthest reaches of my mind. I must reach out and claim it.
But there is something I am deeply concerned about. Perhaps, in time, I can curve my production upwards and bring myself into a state of mind necessary to reach my goal. However, something will stand in my way.
The Sc2 beta.
As I am now assured a position in the beta, this could spell doom for a large portion of time when it finally shows up. It could destroy my writing schedule. It is not that I don't desire to participate in the beta, because I do, and I will, but I must harden myself and not allow enthusiasm to blind me. This will require a truly impenetrable state of mind to weight appropriately. I must be prepared.
My private audience has given me nothing but praise for the writing I have rewritten. I have an experienced editor who is providing me with an in-depth, even fanatical, analysis to improve my extremely limited English skills. I know that this is the right path, the only path, that I can take. If for that one moment when I finally complete my work I experience happiness for the first time in my life, then the hardship will have been worth it.
We are nothing alike, you and I. But by the end of it all, we desire the same thing. We desire to complete ourselves.
There is something else I'm working on, too. But I'm not ready to talk about it quite yet. When I have something to show, I'll show you. Needless to say, these models are not for nothing.
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United States4796 Posts
You do some pretty cool work. 
Good luck in February.
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hey, good luck with that
I just stumbled upon this post, - you have my sympathy. You can get better though, but that requires changing your lifestyle. How about finishing the novel and do that ?
I am doing wudang gongfu and, it really changes everything about my life. You'll find something
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Finishing the novel has become a fanaticism unmatched by anything else I have ever experienced. I feel that if I can finish it by the deadline, I will have done something otherwise rendered impossible by my illnesses. I will have defied Fate, so to speak. That will empower me to push even further. I wish to learn animation, for example, and uvw/skinning. But I can't learn those right now. I am not capable. I am hoping that if all goes as it should, this will be a gateway into learning those skills that I have long sought after.
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how about you write your novel Blizzard style?
the novel shall be finished when its finished.
its better to create a masterpiece over many years while slacking off and//or perfecting it than to create a piece of crap in a timely manner.
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The novel has already been in existence for eight years. This is a tremendous amount of time, I'm 22 years old - that's over a quarter of my life! I wish to finish it because the stability of my life and environment are beginning to deteriorate very rapidly. I no longer have the luxury of a Blizzard-style approach if I wish to finish it before my time here ends.
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On February 01 2010 11:30 IskatuMesk wrote:
The novel has already been in existence for eight years. This is a tremendous amount of time, I'm 22 years old - that's over a quarter of my life! I wish to finish it because the stability of my life and environment are beginning to deteriorate very rapidly. I no longer have the luxury of a Blizzard-style approach if I wish to finish it before my time here ends.
It's also over a third of your life. :O
But seriously, best of luck man
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hey iskatumesk, i might be being over-presumptive here, but it sounds like you have a lot of strange priorities and i'd just like to give some advice. i've had a firsthand perspective on two of my brothers dealing with some of the problems you described...and i think the first step to improving your quality of life is to set realistic goals for where you are going, keeping in mind your limitations, and figure out ways to get there. you have to disassociate yourself from your aspirations pre-illness. ask yourself:
what do i want to do/what can i do/how will i feed myself? can i complete administrative work and productively integrate myself into society at a low level of business? will i use social security disability? how can i take steps toward that/who do i need to talk to?
what am i looking for in relationships with other people? are there people nearby who share my interests? would complex personal relationships improve or hurt my mental situation, and are there realistic ways of integrating myself into a community?
for both questions you should look around and do some research, but this means taking some time off your novel. it's great to pursue that kind of stuff as a recreational activity, but it can easily consume your life and leave you with few options.
so all in all, try to find out a way other than your novel to overcome your mental block of motivation. and don't give up on medicine, keep trying new combinations of antidepressants/antipsychotics/whatever a psychiatrist prescribes and believe in eventual mental stability.
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I have no desire to become a part of society. As for working, I am incapable of operating in an environment with other people much less wanting to. I live with my Grandmother and I'm on disability because I am proven to be unable to function in society and never will be able to.
Believe me, I have thought long and hard all of my life about that is going on and what potential actions can be taken. A day doesn't go by I wish things could be different, where I wish my parents weren't fools. I have no desire to work or to ever be involved in a relationship, not the least of which because I know such things will never happen with the way I am.
When I say that you and I are worlds apart, I mean it. This is what my life has come down to. I have made peace with the prospect of my future and an early death many years ago (I attempted suicide at several points as well). This is the way things are. This is the way they will be. This is how they will end. I do not fear. I try not to allow this knowledge to disturb me. Only one thing matters to me - my world, my novel, all that which I have devoted my entire life to creating. I live for that one purpose, nothing else. There is no place for me elsewhere.
Besides, there's nothing society has to offer me that would please me any more than finishing what I began.
Everything I have ever done has been an extension of my worlds. My starcraft mods, my music, my models, my voice acting. Everything is tied to this heart within me.
/e
Man, Maya's fbx export does some weird shit. It turned my Blood Moon into 11k polies because it duplicated the main body like 6 times, plus a bunch of the other portions, and generated 3-4 spheres in each boolean.
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holy fuck you are one morbid son of a bitch. i dont know what life did to you dude, but its probably not this bad. instead of torturing yourself why not be a little more gentle?
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*shrug*
Life did a lot of things. People did a lot of things. I don't intend to recite specifics right now. This isn't the place nor the time.
I don't consider this "torturing" myself. In fact, this is the best things have ever been. I am content at least. I don't have any obligations, I don't have to worry about anything really significant, I don't have anything looming overhead. I worked hard to achieve these days of peace.
But I must work harder yet.
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I can't claim to understand you, Mesk, but I support your direction and goals. I have to say TOA is the book I'm most looking forward to this year, and I'm sure that it will not only match, but exceed the quality of work that you've shown all this time.
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EPT![[image loading]](http://fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2010/031/d/0/Zegredark_Hydromek_BetaA_by_IskatuMesk.jpg)
![[image loading]](http://fc00.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2010/031/a/2/Zegredark_Hydromek_BetaB_by_IskatuMesk.jpg)
![[image loading]](http://fc08.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2010/030/1/e/Zelconian_Predator_Class_BetaB_by_IskatuMesk.jpg)
![[image loading]](http://fc02.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2010/030/f/2/Zelconian_Predator_Class_BetaA_by_IskatuMesk.jpg)
