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This blog is to get my feelings straightened out.
"you're an idealist, you know" - One of my best friends, William.
My response to that: "whats wrong with it?"
Plenty, after I found out the definition:
"A person who sees things as what they should be, not as they are."
Thats when it hit me. I have always been a fake, always conforming to what the model student or son to be. The only time I was ever real with anyone was when I would start raging and throwing tantrums when someone would tell me something I didnt want to hear, which is something I still do till today.
This can answer why I have always been a depressed boy, ever since I can trace my memories back. I always use what is generically supposed to be said, never really sharing my feelings with anyone, and even with my self. Therefore, I have lost the ability (and only recently started to gain back) to word my feelings properly, which just made me confused and lost and worried.
As a result many MANY qualities within my started to hatch:
- a strange social awkwardness: I can talk to people sometimes, but I can never ever get a meaningul conversation. And I am uncomfortable everywhere I am unless I am on the computer, as I dont have to say anything.
- being negative and thinking everything was hopeless until someone pushed me (namely, my mom) to do a half assed job with somehow got me an B+/A- average until last year.
- a quick loss of determination for anything I did
- unable to comprehend what people are really saying (fr example raging over things I dont like to hear)
- becoming very VERY self centred.
- becoming very very undecisive
- being a know-it-all
- make up stupid excuses to for anything remotely difficult that I didnt want to do.
- placing up a wall of over confidence to protect my self esteem... but as Foucalt says, it was weak.
To sum up: A big pussy.
Even as I write this, I am tracing my memories back to see if I did anything positive. Unfortunately, I am always pulling out the bad sides of the memories and repenting on them. even as I am writing this, I am unclear as if i should just click the X button and not publish this, or keep writing out my feelings, or if I should quit this and "be a man."
To add on to the this idealism, I have a sex addiction problem. Yeah i have read the replies in that other thread. "Men are programmed to reproduce as much as possible" or "The psychologists just made it up to make more money." However I can tell you from first hand that excessive levels of masterbation and pornography can rot your mind. I feel as if everytime I am finished, my mind fills with cum and I lose all ability to think or work or even play starcraft. Also, seeing pornographic material since grade 3 (cant remember exactly, but I know for sure it was elementary school). It weakens your mind, and every 10 seconds all you start to think about is wet vaginas or jacking off (started around the end of grade 9) to some girl in your school, or this hentai/5 some pic/video at some site. All of this has made me very abashed. I cant do work. Even now I have an economics exam in 9 hours, and I really cant work anymore. I just un-instaslled a certain web browser which allows me to go to any site without it preserving my history, but I still jacked off today. Its getting to tbe point where I am pretending to have sex on my bed, licking my pillow and rubbing the air in order to simulate what is being seen in my mind. This had gotten to the point last year where I was doing it 3-5 times a day, all within an hour. And I only started telling my best friends (and my mom, but not in detail) very recently, in the hopes that I will stop. that hasnt worked. Another example of me being excessively horney is everytime I hear the word come I convert it to cum. To sum up, I feel like sht.
However, I am going to use the same philosophy I used to stop eating junk food and lose some weight. Just fuck it, I am not eating anymore. However, even after I jacked off to some porn at around 1:30 today, I told my self "is this whatI want to do all my life? Just sit at home and jack off to porn all day?" And I was determined, until I started to lose control of my horny thoughts (again) and I went on my bed and felt like shit.
Now the point of this blog was to let out my feelings as previously stated, because I have never gone into detail about this like this (i was close to it with my friend).
My best friends have already told me to man up. So thats what I am going to do. No more excuses. No more jacking off, nomore porn. I deleted my last stupid excuse today (the web browser). Now the next time I blog, it will be when I am a man, that doesnt complain or whine excessively, that doesnt over think things, and most importantly, a Man that hs a healthy level of self esteem.
Even now I am thinking of closing this blog, because I dont think people really care (something I realized after trying to figure out what my "rep" is at school.. lol what bullshit).
EDIT: I can be friendly with many people, and I have been invited to their houses once or twice. My hobby sorta is sc... and I just play sc either on iccup or with some friends on hamachi (i only know a few of them online.. and there are like only 8 people active and only 2 of them play sc, and only one of them i play with regurarly, and he lives far away in a different city.)
And a question should I write down how I feel on my facebook? Someone came up to me and said alot of people thought I was sad, right when I realized no one gives a fuck. This way people I know in RL will know (but obv not to this extend )
 
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good luck on your reformation ^_^
dont be too hard on yourself though dude, everyone has flaws, we're all just trying to be the best we can be.
also jesus porn in 3rd grade? thats when i got my gameboy color and pokemon red ~_~
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Wow.
An outdoor hobby might help, like sports. It keeps your mind busy and your body in public.
Find a small group of friends and learn to play tennis, soccer, or basketball together. It can kill an unbelievable amount of time when you're having fun and it keeps your body healthy.
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Jesus christ, this sounds almost exactly like me, perhaps not so much in the sex addiction and social awkwardness(I'm very easy to be around with mates and I feel I have plenty of them, but I don't feel like I could ever talk to anyone about issues I had) side of things, but in plenty of you other problems. I lost any sort of determination to do well at school about 3 years ago, notably when a pretty big event hit me fairly hard. It's very unlike me to not care about school, I was always a top student before that time and was very set on my career path. Now I'm finding myself undecisive in what I want to do when I'm older; I've stuck with my original choice but I find myself questioning it everyday. Everytime I try and break out of the endless cycle of being lazy/not being assed to do shit, I get so close but when it actually comes to doing it I always find an excuse. Even if I try and ladder on WC3/SC I just can't do it; I end up going back to browsing the web and wasting my time. Doesn't help I'm on holiday either, I always found school to be a place where I could actually relax, get out of the house for a bit etc. Hopefully when I get to uni in a months time I'll be forced to break out of this slump I;ve got into. I kind of see uni as my new start. I've improved a lot over the last month but I haven't yet broken it yet, been doing a lot of stuff around the house and shit like that. Good luck to you mate.
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no more jacking off?
why would you do that to yourself :-(
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On January 28 2010 17:17 LipsOfDeceit wrote:
Jesus christ, this sounds almost exactly like me, perhaps not so much in the sex addiction and social awkwardness(I'm very easy to be around with mates and I feel I have plenty of them, but I don't feel like I could ever talk to anyone about issues I had) side of things, but in plenty of you other problems. I lost any sort of determination to do well at school about 3 years ago, notably when a pretty big event hit me fairly hard. It's very unlike me to not care about school, I was always a top student before that time and was very set on my career path. Now I'm finding myself undecisive in what I want to do when I'm older; I've stuck with my original choice but I find myself questioning it everyday. Everytime I try and break out of the endless cycle of being lazy/not being assed to do shit, I get so close but when it actually comes to doing it I always find an excuse. Even if I try and ladder on WC3/SC I just can't do it; I end up going back to browsing the web and wasting my time. Doesn't help I'm on holiday either, I always found school to be a place where I could actually relax, get out of the house for a bit etc. Hopefully when I get to uni in a months time I'll be forced to break out of this slump I;ve got into. I kind of see uni as my new start. I've improved a lot over the last month but I haven't yet broken it yet, been doing a lot of stuff around the house and shit like that. Good luck to you mate.
But atleast you have a life T_T I have never had a life. Ever. And if I did have a little bit of a life in my childhood, i am too much of a negative pussy to realize it.
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j/o once a day to keep the stress level down...no reason not to and have fun with your depression/reconstruction phase! No really you should enjoy it you only get to do it once and you learn a lot about yourself in the process and who/what you want to be and what the world is really about. In the end you become a much better person living a much better life.
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On January 28 2010 17:31 Sharp-eYe wrote:Show nested quote +On January 28 2010 17:17 LipsOfDeceit wrote:
Jesus christ, this sounds almost exactly like me, perhaps not so much in the sex addiction and social awkwardness(I'm very easy to be around with mates and I feel I have plenty of them, but I don't feel like I could ever talk to anyone about issues I had) side of things, but in plenty of you other problems. I lost any sort of determination to do well at school about 3 years ago, notably when a pretty big event hit me fairly hard. It's very unlike me to not care about school, I was always a top student before that time and was very set on my career path. Now I'm finding myself undecisive in what I want to do when I'm older; I've stuck with my original choice but I find myself questioning it everyday. Everytime I try and break out of the endless cycle of being lazy/not being assed to do shit, I get so close but when it actually comes to doing it I always find an excuse. Even if I try and ladder on WC3/SC I just can't do it; I end up going back to browsing the web and wasting my time. Doesn't help I'm on holiday either, I always found school to be a place where I could actually relax, get out of the house for a bit etc. Hopefully when I get to uni in a months time I'll be forced to break out of this slump I;ve got into. I kind of see uni as my new start. I've improved a lot over the last month but I haven't yet broken it yet, been doing a lot of stuff around the house and shit like that. Good luck to you mate. But atleast you have a life T_T I have never had a life. Ever. And if I did have a little bit of a life in my childhood, i am too much of a negative pussy to realize it.
Why are you still here, spam refreshing this thread waiting for a response from some nobody.
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Well, you might be obsessing about your apparent inadequacies the same way you think you're obsessing about sex. Depending on how old you are, I don't think 3-5 times a day is over the top.
Although your personality issues will probably require more work and dedication.
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I came to this same realization recently. Mostly it's just a problem of laziness. Early morning exercise helps a TONNNNNN. It doesn't even have to be a lot of exercise. 5 minutes right when you're supposed to wake up is plenty, if you're not concerned about your health.
The simple way to fix your problems is the following statement: "I will not do what I want to do, rather, I will do what needs to be done." Of course, there's always a time for hobbies / friends / relaxation, but the basic principle is there. Whatever problem you have, fix it. If you know what the solution LOOKS like, it's easier to get there. For example, in your case with the excessive porn (which is only horrible when it's EXCESSIVE, meaning when it takes control of you at other times), the solution is a person who doesn't look at porn as much. This is what the solution "looks like."
How long it takes to get to the solution is up to you.
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On January 28 2010 17:41 DeathSpank wrote:
j/o once a day to keep the stress level down...no reason not to and have fun with your depression/reconstruction phase! No really you should enjoy it you only get to do it once and you learn a lot about yourself in the process and who/what you want to be and what the world is really about. In the end you become a much better person living a much better life.
I guess I'm still in the reconstruction phase. Hopefully I can continue leading a normal life soon.
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On January 28 2010 17:48 zFly wrote:Show nested quote +On January 28 2010 17:41 DeathSpank wrote:
j/o once a day to keep the stress level down...no reason not to and have fun with your depression/reconstruction phase! No really you should enjoy it you only get to do it once and you learn a lot about yourself in the process and who/what you want to be and what the world is really about. In the end you become a much better person living a much better life. I guess I'm still in the reconstruction phase. Hopefully I can continue leading a normal life soon.
you're already normal. Only advice I have is keep your grades up because those are important.
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On January 28 2010 17:50 DeathSpank wrote:
[you're already normal. Only advice I have is keep your grades up because those are important.
Eh. I sure hope not... I could use a happier life. 
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On January 28 2010 17:52 zFly wrote:Show nested quote +On January 28 2010 17:50 DeathSpank wrote:
[you're already normal. Only advice I have is keep your grades up because those are important. Eh. I sure hope not... I could use a happier life.
that's your choice dummy! life is what you make it! you choose to be happy believe it or not
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On January 28 2010 17:18 opsayo wrote:
no more jacking off?
why would you do that to yourself :-(
LOL
ya know hitler never fapped 
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On January 28 2010 17:18 opsayo wrote:
no more jacking off?
why would you do that to yourself :-(
When you gotta go you gotta go...
@ OP - Simple 3 steps will help much, try it 
1) Plan
2) Ask yourself what you have to do to achieve it
3) Go ahead and do it. Nothing's stopping you right?
You plan for anything, anything you like, want to do.
After all, you're either lazy, or you're not.
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this blog was an interesting read. i can relate to some parts of it, mostly the parts about being unmotivated and self-centered
Anyway, the only real advice I have is that you should start working out. When I did I started to feel a lot better about myself.
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There was actually a rather amusing article about people addicted to masturbation. You should really check it out, I think they did some shock therapy or something crazy.
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I know what you mean with the 'sex addition'. I mean, I'm sure most guys go through this stage at some point in their lives, even if it doesn't seem as extreme as your situation. Looking at your age, just don't worry about it. Like 16~ isn't old enough for most people to have had sex. Just try to maintain a normal lifestyle: dress decently, maintain clean look, play sports, make friends, and just have fun. Jacking off is normal...
It's a bit strange of a concept, but I don't think you really know how normal jacking off is until you have been having sex for a while. People waste their lives trying to find girls to fuck, which really doesn't produce a different effect than jacking off. The only difference is that it is more socially accepted. Don't let this get you down - trust me, by the time you are 20 look back and read this post. By then you'll laugh and see how silly you were as a high schooler.
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EPT
