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Well this blog wont be dealing with my weightloss (I'll make another blog about that soon, good news and bad). I guess I'll breifly touch on it but not dedicate the blog to it. Don't be suprised if this doesnt make any sense to you.
These last couple of days I've been feeling really wierd. My mood has gone up and down. Like yesterday, I was in my new apartment alone watching the MSL finals and during the break after the power outage I just got this horrible feeling of isolation. I started thinking about my life and the choises I've made.
The feeling of isolation is pretty normal right now. I've always had alot of friends around me, where I grew up, but ever since we graduated highschool we've been drifting apart. We used to be really close but after school most of them moved away and now we're having a hard time getting together even when they come home to visit over xmas. I've managed pretty well since I befriended friends of friends (not like I call them if I'm bored, but if they're doing anything they'll give me a ring).
Anyway so after this summer it was my time to move to another town, not far but far enough that I cant call any of my old friends and ask them if they wanna do something. So the first six months, up until xmas, was ok. I knew 2 guys in the new town since before and we met up on a regular basis, but now they've both moved away. I'm not gonna say "I'm all alone in this city" but I'm feeling both abandoned and bored out of my mind.
I've also moved to a dorm but there's this wierd vibe here. At the univercity I attend there's alot of exchange student so they all hang out with others from the same country, and we swedes are generally to shy to get to know eachother, and since I'm just taking courses this semester I wont really have a group to bond with. Now there are parties all around but I feel like I just cant show up when I dont know a single person there. Also I'm not a huge fan of alcohol right now I generally get wasted 6-7 times a year. I just feel like I should've used my first 6 months, where I actually had friends here, to get to know other people.
And the scariest thing is that I know where this is going. I've been in a depression before and I feel like I'm heading right towards one right now. Some days I don't feel like getting out of the bed or even take a shower. Now since I've been there before I'm forcing myself to do it, but I still have this voice, well not a actualy voice but you get what I mean, in the back of my head going "why bother? it's not like you're gonna have any social interaction today".
Also I've been starting to think about my education. I have absolutely no idea what I want to become and I've got less then 6 months to decide. On the one hand I love computers. They do what you tell them, and if something goes wrong its your own damn fault 99% of the time. But I worked as a scaffolder for 1½ year. I loved it. I got to be active during the day, but at the same time I wasnt getting the challange my brain requires everyday. I want to combine these two jobs in some way. Something where I get to move around but still be working with a computer. Is computer engineering really something for me?
Ever since I started school I've been considerd a smart guy, and I feel like that's my curse. When I first took the scaffolding-work instead of going back to school my mother said "you're the smartest person in the family, why dont you use that gift?". What people have a hard time understanding is that hearing those words troughout your upbringing, and even after that, is such a fucking load on ones shoulders? I belive I'd be alot happier if I were dumber. Now I feel this pressure to make something out of myself.
Basically when I look around nowdays I see people smiling, making new friends and enjoying life. And I've been that guy who walks into a party and 15 minutes later he's said hello to everyone and made a bunch of new friends who'll definatly remember him the next time they meet. Now I'm the guy who doesnt even go to parties, I just feel like I'm outside looking in and I have no idea why the hell I've changed so much.
That's it folks. Just needed to write that SOMEWHERE to get it off my chest.
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Hungary11300 Posts
Do education, but do what interests you. And it appears obvious that you need some kind of physical challenge along with it - so find anything that keeps you going and which you can practice intensely.
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Gonna throw up a ball here: what about taking up a sport? You'll get to meet people and you'll have a nice physical and mental challenge.
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Less thinking, more action.
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you are exactly like me, except you have at least two things that interest you enough to justify a job (at least possibly) and you also havent been out of life for too long. ive been in this situation, and probably depressed as a result, for years on end (im 25 now) despite people consistently telling me how smart i am.
thinking too much will only distance yourself from others and society as a whole. it is indeed a curse.
the only thing i can tell you is do something, even if it isnt perfect or you dont like it, before this thing ruins your life.
the problem with modern education systems is that they dont help to give you a perspective, they just enable you to do a lot of things and when you get out of school you are completely lost. you will lose your social connections and your game-plan while getting more freedom and freetime and choice what to do while requiring you to somehow know what you want to do with your life and make a living all at the same time.
though people say the swedish educational system is one of the best in europe.
just do something. regarding a job it is always better to start doing something and then being able to say "ive done that", instead of not doing anything at all. it gives you abilities and people wont see you as a lazy bum.
how to find new people in a new environment is nothing i can help you with. i also dont enjoy parties and always wondered why people would devote themselves to them so much. but i also dont like people.
the more you think the more things - and problems - you perceive, and the higher your standards are the harder it is to find yourself in a situation that satisfies you. so you have so set priorities. put up with those parties in order to get your social interaction, take a job even if it isnt perfect, or be isolated.
edit:
On January 25 2010 01:22 Corr wrote:
Less thinking, more action.
wow. that corr might be a wise guy. :o
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Stop being a shy swede and take some initiative. Also if you get depressed I'm flying to Sweden and shitting on your chest!
Seriously though the gym is a great place to meet people.
edit: I'm also going to agree join some intramural sports (if your uni has them) it's like the D+s of sports who just play to have fun then usually you all go out to a party together afterwards. Try volleyball lots of girls and not too intensive that you couldn't get into it before you've dropped all the weight you want :D
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Hey man, I just thought that I would let you know that there are many other people out there, just like you. Here's some things that will help, if you choose to do them:
Join multiple clubs/sports team. It will help you get some kind of social circles setup. That helps you find people with similar interests.
Join multiple study groups. You already have something in common, and are working towards a common goal. It can help you meet other intellectuals.
Go outside of your comfort zone. Do things like start up a conversation with a random stranger, or compliment someone.
Find a girlfriend. You'll meet a lot more people, even if she's not someone you would end up in a serious relationship with.
Be impulsive. Do things based off of instinct, rather than thinking it through. Believe it or not, life is much easier and simpler this way.
One in every thousand or so people you meet will be someone you will be able to call a "friend". The more people you meet, the more people you will befriend, and the happier you will end up being, as well as always having something to do when bored (because, I can guarantee that there are other bored people out there at any given moment).
And, engineering is an awesome field to be in. The opportunities are nearly endless. I'm sure you'll do great in it!
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EPT
