These last couple of days I've been feeling really wierd. My mood has gone up and down. Like yesterday, I was in my new apartment alone watching the MSL finals and during the break after the power outage I just got this horrible feeling of isolation. I started thinking about my life and the choises I've made.
The feeling of isolation is pretty normal right now. I've always had alot of friends around me, where I grew up, but ever since we graduated highschool we've been drifting apart. We used to be really close but after school most of them moved away and now we're having a hard time getting together even when they come home to visit over xmas. I've managed pretty well since I befriended friends of friends (not like I call them if I'm bored, but if they're doing anything they'll give me a ring).
Anyway so after this summer it was my time to move to another town, not far but far enough that I cant call any of my old friends and ask them if they wanna do something. So the first six months, up until xmas, was ok. I knew 2 guys in the new town since before and we met up on a regular basis, but now they've both moved away. I'm not gonna say "I'm all alone in this city" but I'm feeling both abandoned and bored out of my mind.
I've also moved to a dorm but there's this wierd vibe here. At the univercity I attend there's alot of exchange student so they all hang out with others from the same country, and we swedes are generally to shy to get to know eachother, and since I'm just taking courses this semester I wont really have a group to bond with. Now there are parties all around but I feel like I just cant show up when I dont know a single person there. Also I'm not a huge fan of alcohol right now I generally get wasted 6-7 times a year. I just feel like I should've used my first 6 months, where I actually had friends here, to get to know other people.
And the scariest thing is that I know where this is going. I've been in a depression before and I feel like I'm heading right towards one right now. Some days I don't feel like getting out of the bed or even take a shower. Now since I've been there before I'm forcing myself to do it, but I still have this voice, well not a actualy voice but you get what I mean, in the back of my head going "why bother? it's not like you're gonna have any social interaction today".
Also I've been starting to think about my education. I have absolutely no idea what I want to become and I've got less then 6 months to decide. On the one hand I love computers. They do what you tell them, and if something goes wrong its your own damn fault 99% of the time. But I worked as a scaffolder for 1½ year. I loved it. I got to be active during the day, but at the same time I wasnt getting the challange my brain requires everyday. I want to combine these two jobs in some way. Something where I get to move around but still be working with a computer. Is computer engineering really something for me?
Ever since I started school I've been considerd a smart guy, and I feel like that's my curse. When I first took the scaffolding-work instead of going back to school my mother said "you're the smartest person in the family, why dont you use that gift?". What people have a hard time understanding is that hearing those words troughout your upbringing, and even after that, is such a fucking load on ones shoulders? I belive I'd be alot happier if I were dumber. Now I feel this pressure to make something out of myself.
Basically when I look around nowdays I see people smiling, making new friends and enjoying life. And I've been that guy who walks into a party and 15 minutes later he's said hello to everyone and made a bunch of new friends who'll definatly remember him the next time they meet. Now I'm the guy who doesnt even go to parties, I just feel like I'm outside looking in and I have no idea why the hell I've changed so much.
That's it folks. Just needed to write that SOMEWHERE to get it off my chest.