EPTThe following story describes possibly the most fucked up night of my life and i wasn't even the protagonist. I did change some things in the story to make it easier in general to tell, such as specific timings and i couldnt remember conversations word for word, but you should get the gist. I also changed peoples names.
Backstory:
My friends 18'th birthday was around a week ago (i'll call him Erin - in joke about his sister). We're from the country and thought it would be cool to travel to the city of Melbourne and go on a bar crawl in celebration. The plan was to travel via train, hit up several bars and either
A) Crash at a backpackers or
B) Pull an all nighter and catch the first train home.
Story:
The train ride to Melb is around one and a half hours so we decided on catching the 3:15pm train there. We all arrive on the platform to catch the train but soon discover that one of our friends, i'll call him "beard" has missed the train. Beard calls me.
"Dude i was doing chores and totally missed the train" - Beard
"Oh lol" - Me (didn't actually lol but laughed at him in general because he's generally disorganised and things like this happen lots)
"Yeah, i don't particularly want to go but i'll catch the next train down and meet you guys there ok?" - Beard
"Yeah sure" - me
So we arrive at the platform in Melbourne. There's Erin, Kernal Kern, Indecent Lemon, Deejay, Dirty Dog, Oatsy and me.
We decide to wait for Beard before we go to any bars because he's hopelessly lost in Melbourne and wouldnt be able to meet us, even with directions. Its also only around 4:45pm. So we bum around for a bit, grab some food and look around in some CD and record shops while we wait for Beard.
Beard arrives and is slightly disgruntled and more then slightly fatigued. We find out that he had pulled nighter the night before reading the book "Cats Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, and spent most of the day in the garden doing manual labour.
We kill more time by buying some food. Beard tells us that he hasnt got that much money and will save it for food after the bars (we planned to go to this 24/7 kebab restaurant afterwoods). He hasnt eaten since lunch time. We hit the first bar at around 7pm. This part isnt actually vital to the story so i'll skip most of it, but the general gist is that we hit multiple bars, get absolutely fucking trashed and have an awesome time. after the 6'th or 7'th bar things start to wind down. It's only around 1:00am but the ammount of liquer we downed at that point was substantial. We decide to visit one more bar and then decide if we want to keep visiting bars or start tramming it to the backpackers.
Now at this point Beard is Extrememly tired, absolutely fucking smashed, really damn hungry and disgruntled at the fact that he didnt actually want to be there in the first place. We arrive at the bar and Beards mood is exacerbated by the fact that the bouncer wouldnt let him in. He failed to meet the required dress code of that particular bar and was denied entry. We dont leave a brother behind to we go to a 24/7 Cotton On and quickly buy some nice jeans and shoes. Beard changes the clothes and now we're allowed entry.
We leave that bar at around 2:00am, even more hammered then before. Dirty Dog convinces us that we need more alcohol and should go on a mission to find a Bottle-O and buy another slab. Whilst wandering down the streets of Melbourne singing, yelling and being a disgrace in general we see a public toilet. Our piss valves had broken long ago and the desire to slash like a powerful horse every 15 or so minutes had taken over. We drunkenly stumble across the street, barely avoiding traffic and head towards to the toilet. DeeJay and Erin decide that they dont need to piss and say that they will wait outside. So Beard, Dirty Dog, Indecent lemon, Kernal Kern, Oatsy and I are all pissing while Deejay and Erin are waiting outside.
Only when we go outside we find out that fucking Deejay and Erin aren't there. I recieve a text message from Erin.
"Home to backpackers"
Which i took to mean that they had ditched us and just left for the backpackers and called it a night.
We stood around for around 15 mins Wtf'ing because we realised that those two were the only ones who actually knew where the backpackers were, so our fate was pretty much sealed. All nighter on the street and catch the first train home. At this point Dirty Dog reminds us of our quest to find a Bottle-O and buy a slab. We start wandering down the street again in a similar fashion to before, minus 2 people. Eventually we find a Bottle-O but to our dismay it was closed. In our drunkeness we had forgotten that not every place stays open to god knows what hour of the night. At this point we're sitting on the steps of the store, pretty damn drunk but also burned out from the walk.
We sit in front of a store for about half an hour when a completely random, also drunk dude, walks up and tells us to get out of the way because he has to buy some "mad piss".
We tell him that the Bottle-O has been closed for hours. My memory of this part is pretty vague but it went something along the lines of us talking to that random dude for ages - Adam his name turned out to be - and eventually him inviting us to his house (which was across the street) for some more drinks because his house mate was away for the night.
Now under normal circumstances we would never go into a random persons house but we were all drunk and Dirty Dog was really keen on the idea. we took a silent vote and eventually decided that if he tried anything he was heavily outnumbered and that we could just leave at any time if it was uncomfortable.
I really didnt like the idea and i also didnt like adam, he looked dodgy and said some dodgy things. My first impression was that he was slightly misogynistic. So we go up to his house on the second floor. His place is a shit hole. we head out onto the balcony and start drinking some beers. We drink on his balcony for a while. at this point its around 3:00am. we notice that while we're all drinking beer, adam is drinking some wierd (what i took to be wine at the time, it was the same size) portugese spirit. Indecent lemon inquired.
"Adam man, what are you drinking? What is that?" - Indecent lemon
"Oh...It's just like, some stuff" - Adam
"show me the label, what is it?" - Indecent Lemon
The label was Portugese.
"It's just like... this cool spirit I like" - Adam
At this point Adam changes the subject and my earlier impressions of misogyny (Sorry, is that a word?) are found to be true. He tells us a horrible story where he goes into detail about if he found out that his girlfriend was cheating on him he wouldnt blame the guy, he would just beat his girlfriend and then have sex with her, as well as some dodgy other things i cant remember too well.
At the end of his story, before we could get the fuck out of there because we were all creeped out, there was a loud din from the street. we look over the balcony and see two disgusting asian girls with horrible makeup exiting a cab, yelling and abusing the driver, kicking the back of his taxi while he drives away.
"HAiiii Girls, cum up here!" - Adam
(That wasnt exactly what he said, but those words are necessary for you to understand his dodgy tone)
After Adam's expert persuasion techniques the asian girls giggle and decide to come up.
We all look at eachother while Adam goes to the door to let them in and can tell by each of our expressions that we all want to get the FUCK out of there. Now i may not have done it justice but that person - Adam - and that house were seriously fucking weird. It had the overall feeling of just not being well. I looked over at Beard, who has strong values of equality and realised that somehow during Adam's horrible tale of how he'd gleefully beat his girlfriend he had gotten possession of the Portugese spirit (all the beer had run out) and he had drunk the remaining %60 percent of it. At the time i knew Beard drank it to stifle himself from abusing and possibly hurting Adam. So at this point, Beard was unbelievably tired, hungry, fucking hammered because he drank the majority of some weird ass spirit, disgruntled not only by the fact that he didnt want to come in the first place but that he had to buy and carry around new clothes and shoes, and now was really angry that he had to sit there and listen to some dodgy fuck tell some dodgy story that goes against most of his values.
At this point we leave. The disgusting asain ladies, Adam, his house, its all too much. We leave and are back on the street, talking about how strange Adam was and eventually our spirits lift. Its about 4:00am. We head to the kebab restaurant and get a much needed kebab. Beard realises at the kebab shop that $50 from his wallet is randomly gone and he doesnt have enough to buy a kebab. we all only just have enough money to cover our asses so he has to go hungry. He hadnt eaten since lunchtime the day before. We're back singing and yelling and our spirits are high (with exceptions to Beard). Despite the debacle at Adams, we decide it was a great night over all. The bars were fun.
Now this is where the night get really fucked up. Even more so then when we were at Adams house. We're walking along and suddenly we realise Beard isn't with us. We turn around and Beard is talking to two completely random bums. They were sleeping on the street but he woke them up to "sequester" their "Aboriginal water". At this point we're starting to think he's a little more then drunk. Beard was positively convinced that these two, random bums had "aboriginal water", whatever the fuck that was and that it was his duty to secure it from them. We grab Beard away from the bums and realise he has foam around his mouth. Oh shit. That Portugese Spirit from Adam, that dodgy, mysogynitic fuck, had laced it with (we took it to be acid, found out later it could have been meth).
Beard starts tripping BALLS. We are all outrageously drunk but seeing one of our friends like that sobered us up pretty damn quick. We decided that the best course of action would be to take the tram back to Southern cross (The platform that would take us on the earliest train home) and wait on the platform for the train. We successfully board the tram but Beard is freaking out. He was taking it hard on the tram. He started getting more and more violent. He was screaming at the top of his lungs, on a public tram, that he could "fucking kill everyone on this fucking tram".
We tried to calm him down but honestly, none of us had seen this shit before. We are all pretty naive when it comes to drugs and had absolutely no idea what to do. We're almost at Southern Cross Station when an enormous (muscular, not fat) american tourist sidles up to us. He tells me that he has been a security guard for about 10 years now and that he's seen plenty of shit like this before. He tells us that this is the first time that he's seen it in Australia but he's seen it before and often these things can wind up violent. He goes on to say that he'll escourt us all the way back to the station, but if Beard gets violent he'll have no choice to cuff him and take him to the lockup. This really freaked us out. Not one of us have ever even had trouble with the police at all so this was seriously traumatising. We were also worried sick that Beard would be permanently affected by this horrible trip. While this is going on Beard is still rambling. He's yelling at Dirty Dog to hold his "sandal" (it was actually one of the shoes he bought before to be let into the bar, many, many hours before, god knows where the other shoe was).
"HOLD THE FUCKING SANDAL!" - Beard
"What?" - Dirty Dog
"THE SANDAL IS THE ONLY THING THAT CAN SAVE ICE-NINE!!!" - Beard
"Dude, its a shoe" - Dirty Dog
"ITS A FUCKING SANDAL, HOLD IT (name removed) YOUR THE ONLY FUCKING ONE WHO CAN FUCKING. SAVE. ICE. NINE!" - Beard
"What the fuck is Ice-Nine?" - Dirty Dog
"TAKE THE FUCKING SANDAL"! - Beard
We all told Dirt Dog to just take the fucking sandal to shut Beard up. A random tram go-er asked me what was going on. He and the American security guard listened as i told them the story of why were were in Melbourne, where we were from and that we just wanted to go home. It turns out that the random tram dude was actually a police officer in civilian clothing who decided to accompany us to the train station to make sure things didnt get any worse. Both the officer and the security guard took us by our word that our story was true (which i'm grateful for. they were both veterans and both had pretty finely tuned bullshit detectors) so they believed us based on our clothing and (even though we were drunk) conversational...skills? cant think of a better word.
Anyway while i'm filling them in Beard has calmed down somewhat and is telling us all in a completely matter-of-fact tone that he has met vampires. Talking about how he knows we just cant understand but that we should just trust in the fact that he had met a vampire.
"I've had conversations with a vampire before" - Beard
"Oh really? where was that?" - Indecent lemon
"Dude, Lemon, i cant expect you to understand. your just too... Look dude i know you cant understand. its impossible for you. but i've had a conversation with a vampire" - Beard
"And where WAS that?" - indecent lemon
"between me and a vampire" - Beard
"But where?" - Indecent Lemon
"Between me and a vampire" - Beard.
Indecent lemon gives up. I make it sound almost as if we were patronising Beard but we really, really werent. We arrive at southern cross station, finally. its 5:00AM. The Train back is at 7:20 (cant remmeber the exact time). Two hours pass incredibly slowly with Beard off his fucking face. He hasn't slept in nearly 50 hours. he hasnt eaten in around 20. for the most part he is calm, only briefly getting riled up and violent again when Dirty Dog tried to give him his shoe back, which triggers another "ice-nice" incident. Dirty Dog cant look at Beard, because Beard has foam around his mouth which keeps spraying everywhere, but Beard doesnt know this and takes Dirty Dog not looking at him as a sign of disrespect, and gets rilled up further.
Its 7:00Am. The blessed train home is about to arrive. But this coincides with Beards increasing aggression. He lies down on a seat/bench and starts talking about how he's killed thousands of people and that he could kill everyone in the station. Indecent lemon notices that he's lying on his back and thinks that he should lie on his side, in the safety position. he goes over and taps beard
"come on man, sit up, lie on your side" - Indecent lemon
"Fuck off" - Beard
"no dude you need to lie on your side" - Indecent lemon
"I will not lie with you" - Beard
"No, just move on your side" - Indecent Lemon
"I will not lie with you" - Beard
"No! i dont mean anything sexual, i need you to roll over into the safety position" - Indecent lemon
"I will NOT FUCKING LIE WITH YOU. I wouldn't ever go gay for you Indecent lemon (he said his actual name here, obviously)" - Beard
Indecent Lemon gives up, but this has aggrevated Beard almost to breaking point. The train home arrives. It's a two way service, so many people who commute to work in Melbourne catch it. The platform floods with people. Beard starts freaking out. He writhes around screaming at the top of his lungs that he could kill anyone. Bystanders start to gather. Some fucking bitch pulls out a camera and starts taking photo's, that hag. We cuss her out and give her the finger untill she fucking moves along, but Beard is freaking out so much at this point.
He gets up to piss but the burley secruity guard tells him to sit down
"I NEED TO FUCKING PISS!" - BEARD
"You can hold it, sit DOWN" - Security guard.
The police officer starts calling for backup
"I. NEED. TO. FUCKING. PISS" - BEARD
"SIT THE FUCK DOWN BUDDY, YOU CAN FUCKING HOLD IT" - Security guard.
Beard breaks. he lunges at the security guard who is nearly twice his height. Now beard is so lightweight himself. He's stocky, muscular and has been doing karate for a long time (4 years i think) so he knows how to punch. I definately would not want to take a blow from him. Despite Beard being out of his fucking mind on acid or meth, as well as still being hammered, he moves damn quick. He tries to fucking karate chop the security guards neck, aiming for the juggular.
It makes brief contact but its more of a glancing blow because the security guard grabs his arm and has him in an arm lock. Beard is cuffed, in an arm lock and has pepper spray aimed at his face in under a second while everyone is watching. The Police officer rushes in. The backup had arrived and Beard is sent to a lockup, where we're told they'll hold him for a minimum of four hours. This day just wont fucking end. Its 7:30 and beard is being escourted to the lockup by 4 police cars, an ambulance and 2 pattywagons. We can't leave our friend in this state so we tram to the lockup (they wouldnt give us a lift there for whatever reason). We proceed to wait for 4 fucking hours. Across the street is a construction site so we have to listen to obnoxiously loud jack hammers, drills and saws the entire fucking time. It's windy every two seconds so dust is constantly being blown in our face. none of us can afford food let alone water.
After 4 hours we see if he's been released, hoping he would only have to stay for the minimum ammount of time so we could get the fuck home. To our dismay he's still tripping just as hard as he was 9 or so hours ago, his condition litterally hadnt changed one bit.
after five and a half hours he is released. He has no memory of the incident. He remembers everything untill he was drinking that Portugese shit, and then his next memory is snapping out of it abruptly in the lockup. We caught the train home and got back at around 5:30pm that night where the story, thankfully ends.
Poor Beard. In the end he hadnt slept for about 65 hours. Thankfully they gave him some food in the lockup. He was dragged to Melbourne where at first he missed the train, then he had to buy new clothes, then lost his money, went very hungry for a long time, got unbelievably smashed, had his values insulted and drank spiked spirits with god knows what and had the worst 10 hour trip he'll ever have in his life. And i was fucking traumatised by this. Beard is also such a nice guy who always sticks up for the little people and genuinly believes in all equility. He was just drug fucked. It was horrible.
Perhaps the worst part was having to tell him what he'd done, as he had no memory. He cried when we told him he had assaulted a security guard and was devestated in general.
Now i know that that time is not congruent with the train that we missed and the fact that Beard got hauled to the lockup at around 7:30am but i seriously cant remember where it went. i know he only spent 5 hours in the lockup. so i dotn exxactly know why we got home at 5pm. It must have gone into travel times coupled with service waiting times. i think there was unacounted for time in the station too, did seem like we were there for a very long time. Its hard to remember because i got so drunk that night too.
Anyways thats the story of the most fucked up night i'll probably every experience. I know it was a damn long story. thanks if you read the whole thing, i know it was poorly written. I'll edit at some stage tomorrow.
Also, for those who are curious as to the "ice-nine", Beard was convinced that Cats Cradle was real. To find out what thats all about just go here.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cat's_Cradle#Plot_summary
TL;DR
Only drink drink's that you open yourself, or that you yourself watch.
Now its time for sleep.
Glad you all made it safely home though! Is Beard going to get any charges against him for his assault or were did they give him a free pass due to the fact he had been drugged?
