EPTSpoilered below is an example of a writing critique. Originally, I wasn't going to do this, but I think it is important to show the attention that I would be giving prospective stories.
This blog is a follow-up to my original entry, offering to critique pieces of writing:
Original Blog: So, you want to be a writer?
Edit: I have only received a two submissions so far, so if you want to submit your story, just PM it to me.
(P.S. Rayzorblade, I am still working on yours. Sorry it's taking so long.)
+ Show Spoiler +
General Advice:
1.) Re-read it with a critical eye, line-by-line, and ask yourself if you would be satisfied paying money for the line you just read. If not, it needs a re-write.
a.) Avoid repetition: both in word-use, and description.
b.) Eliminate extra words and inefficient phrasing.
c.) Find out the exact right word to use in important sentences.
• Use a thesaurus. That doesn't mean replacing every simple word with a big one, rather use it as a tool to get your exact thoughts across in as few words as possible. (Avoid settling for approximation.)
Specific Advice:
1st Paragraph:
1.) Consider removing "It was a gloomy day," and beginning with the second sentence. The second sentence shows us a gloomy day, rather than telling us it is gloomy as the first sentence does. In addition, making "although" the first word launches the reader into the story because it is contrastive, and that creates tension because the elements of contrast are still unknown. However, I think the sentence itself should be re-phrased at the very least, and to fully capitalize on the tension created, should be made more interesting. Reward the reader for their curiosity that "although" creates, by following it with good writing. This will help you win the confidence of your readers, which is essential to creating a memorable reading experience. If the reader is confident that you are a "good writer" they will read the rest of your lines more favorably.
2.) "Macabre" is not the right word. Primarily, because it follows a description of a gloomy day, which is not specifically gruesome and horrifying. Though, I think you could passably use it after the monsters show up. I do think the town's mood needs further description, possibly by using another vivid ambient cue, e.g. all the windows were dark; a chilling wind; a pronounced silence. The current one, "sought shelter from the chill," is placing the effect of the chill on anonymous "residents" rather than the reader and thereby subtly distances the reader from the chilling feeling. Good job, though, on using sensory descriptions other than sight.
Macabre
i.) gruesome and horrifying; ghastly; horrible.
ii.) of, pertaining to, dealing with, or representing death, esp. its grimmer or uglier aspect.
iii.) of or suggestive of the allegorical dance of death.
3.) The girl cannot be described as "insignificant" because she is the main character. She can be small, fragile, tiny, etc. Consider replacing "figure" with something more specific like "silhouette". You don't have to necessarily take my suggested word, but here is the reasoning behind the suggestion to help develop your own critical thought process:
•You've already said it's dark, which this word reinforces.
•It connotes fragility which furthers your descriptive goal of making the girl fragile.
•The sound the word makes when said is quiet and solemn, which again, reinforces the setting. (Say it aloud and see if it sounds quiet to you, if you disagree, then don't use it.)
1.) Re-read it with a critical eye, line-by-line, and ask yourself if you would be satisfied paying money for the line you just read. If not, it needs a re-write.
a.) Avoid repetition: both in word-use, and description.
b.) Eliminate extra words and inefficient phrasing.
c.) Find out the exact right word to use in important sentences.
• Use a thesaurus. That doesn't mean replacing every simple word with a big one, rather use it as a tool to get your exact thoughts across in as few words as possible. (Avoid settling for approximation.)
Specific Advice:
1st Paragraph:
1.) It was a gloomy day. Although it was not raining at the time, the heavy grey clouds still lingered above from the recent downpour.
2.) A macabre ambience held grip over the small town below, it`s streets empty as the residents sought shelter from the outside chill.
3.) Nevertheless, a single small and insignificant figure roamed the urban area, a soft splash accompanying it`s every step. That figure was a girl, still in her tender years."
2.) A macabre ambience held grip over the small town below, it`s streets empty as the residents sought shelter from the outside chill.
3.) Nevertheless, a single small and insignificant figure roamed the urban area, a soft splash accompanying it`s every step. That figure was a girl, still in her tender years."
1.) Consider removing "It was a gloomy day," and beginning with the second sentence. The second sentence shows us a gloomy day, rather than telling us it is gloomy as the first sentence does. In addition, making "although" the first word launches the reader into the story because it is contrastive, and that creates tension because the elements of contrast are still unknown. However, I think the sentence itself should be re-phrased at the very least, and to fully capitalize on the tension created, should be made more interesting. Reward the reader for their curiosity that "although" creates, by following it with good writing. This will help you win the confidence of your readers, which is essential to creating a memorable reading experience. If the reader is confident that you are a "good writer" they will read the rest of your lines more favorably.
2.) "Macabre" is not the right word. Primarily, because it follows a description of a gloomy day, which is not specifically gruesome and horrifying. Though, I think you could passably use it after the monsters show up. I do think the town's mood needs further description, possibly by using another vivid ambient cue, e.g. all the windows were dark; a chilling wind; a pronounced silence. The current one, "sought shelter from the chill," is placing the effect of the chill on anonymous "residents" rather than the reader and thereby subtly distances the reader from the chilling feeling. Good job, though, on using sensory descriptions other than sight.
Macabre
i.) gruesome and horrifying; ghastly; horrible.
ii.) of, pertaining to, dealing with, or representing death, esp. its grimmer or uglier aspect.
iii.) of or suggestive of the allegorical dance of death.
3.) The girl cannot be described as "insignificant" because she is the main character. She can be small, fragile, tiny, etc. Consider replacing "figure" with something more specific like "silhouette". You don't have to necessarily take my suggested word, but here is the reasoning behind the suggestion to help develop your own critical thought process:
•You've already said it's dark, which this word reinforces.
•It connotes fragility which furthers your descriptive goal of making the girl fragile.
•The sound the word makes when said is quiet and solemn, which again, reinforces the setting. (Say it aloud and see if it sounds quiet to you, if you disagree, then don't use it.)
