EPThttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vTqv8naUdY
"It's an adventure, right? Right?!"
A heavy breeze brushed against his body, fluttering his clothing and numerous flyers that had been left behind from the day before.
He sighed lightly, taking it all in.
Berkeley.
He didn't realize it at first, but he'd found that magical thing--a source of motivation. Something that he could work for, something that he could fight for.
--
Several months earlier, September 2006
--
It was hot. Like, really fucking hot.
Masses of freshmen and their retinues--parents, siblings of various ages--arrived on campus and made their way through the checkpoints set up for them by the campus. Check-in, carts for luggage, RA's for meet and greet, and so on.
He followed his brother in, helping him and his parents drag suitcases and other miscellany through hallways, stairways and elevators.
After several trips, the work was done. He, his brother, and his family stood in the cubicle of a dorm room, looking around and his new home. Mother was holding back tears, father was looking at his eldest son with a mixture of satisfaction, regret, and resignation.
His retinue left without him, retracing their steps down to the parking lot.
He, though, the one left behind, glanced around the hallways as they made their way to the car.
College, right?
"I think I want to go to Berkeley." He said in passing, more to himself than to anyone in particular.
"Berkeley? That's a good school." Father smiled at his youngest. "그래. 공부많이해, okay? You have to if you want to go there. If you get in, I'll pay for everything."
He nodded, looking downwards.
Work hard. I guess I have to.
--
Three years later, Fall 2008
--
"Okay, so let's get a list fleshed out. Name your top choices, and then we can add some backups." The Counselor pulled out his file and uncapped a pen.
"Berkeley."
She grinned and scratched it down. "Okay, anything else?"
"Uhh...that's tough." He smiled and looked at his hands. "Well, UCLA...UCSD..."
"Okay, okay. USC?"
"Hell no."
"Haha, okay. What other UC's? Let's get those before we move onto out of state stuff." She said as she finished writing.
"Um...well, UCI, I guess, and UC Merced."
"Merced?"
"That one's for my dad." He grinned mischievously.
"If you say so." She gave him a disapproving look, followed up with a grin to match.
"What else?"
"Uh, Brandeis, since he keeps insisting...Amherst, too, Yale, and Brown, just for kicks. I liked their campuses. Oh, and MIT. That's for him too, so he can keep his hopes up." He smiled sheepishly.
There wasn't a chance in hell that he'd get into any of those last four colleges, and they both knew it.
"All right. Anything else?"
They both glanced at the list. He shrugged. "I think that's about it."
"Okay. Well, start gathering the information you need. Come back and we can get started on everything, yeah?" She put away the pen and his file.
"Mmkay. See you later."
--
Several weeks later, Fall 2008
--
The counseling office was freezing. He clutched his arms closely. The weather didn't really warrant this kind of air conditioning, really.
He glanced at the clock. It didn't really matter what time it was, he figured. Lunch, break, or an actual class, he could probably get away with it regardless.
He continued his scan of the counseling office's main suite. Connected to the suite were four doors, each leading to a different counselor's office. He sat near the entrance, at a table with various college viewbooks and course catalogues, ostensibly pulled from the two tall bookcases filled with college-related literature. Princeton Review, Kaplan, West Point, Air Force Academy, Stony Brook, UCLA, all shared those dusted shelves. After finishing his scan of the shelves, he turned his gaze to the table before him. Arizona State University shared space with several other brochures, and one rather small, but very thick book.
He grabbed the thing and looked at the cover. On it was a picture of a lush fall landscape, with a wood bridge leading off into the horizon, which was obscured by the greenery.
He read the title:
Vassar Course Catalogue, 2008-2009
Vassar? What kind of name is that? I guess it's one of those liberal arts colleges.
He browsed through the book and viewed the available courses, paying special attention to the history department's offerings.
The Counselor's door opened. "Hey. Didja wait long?"
He closed the catalogue and shrugged. "Doesn't really mater, right? It's English now."
She grinned. "Is it?"
He stood up and entered her office.
"So whatcha got there? Anything interesting?"
"Yeah, I guess. Ever heard of Vassar College?"
"Mmm...maybe. Good school, I'm sure." She shrugged.
"Yeah, I guess so."
"Wanna take a look?" She swiped her mouse to bring her computer back to life.
"Sure." He smiled.
--
November 2009
--
"So, I guess that's it." He sighed.
"Okay. Berkeley, UCLA, UCSD, UCI, UC Merced..." her voice trailed off noticeably as she read off Merced from her list. They grinned at each other; she shrugged and continued reading.
"And for the east coast...Yale, Brown, Amherst, Brandeis, MIT and...Vassar." She gave him a questioning look.
"Yeah. That'll do."
--
March 2009
--
His insides were twisting with anxiety.
It was March 26th, and Berkeley was going to answer today. But their response wouldn't be out until evening.
It was 9 in the fucking morning, and he had a hard time waiting.
Not only did he have to suffer through class, but he also had to wait through his game after school--against the number one in his school's conference, no less.
It wasn't looking to be a good day.
--
Nine hours later
--
It wasn't a good day. Homework up the ass and an embarrassing 16-3 loss on their own home field. He dropped his gear bag as he left the garage and quickstepped to the nearest computer.
Better be some good fucking news here.
He logged onto the infosite, oddly calm inside. An slight feeling, almost a premonition, crept into the back of his head. It felt like impending failure.
He copied and pasted his login information and read the response page as it loaded.
"Michael,
We regretfully inform you that...
He didn't need to read much farther.
--
"Berkeley said no?" Surprised, she stopped eating and looked turned to him. The Counselor's office was tiny; the smell of pasta quickly filled the room.
He nodded morosely.
"That's weird. Well, you're not alone. A lot of guys got UCLA like you and didn't get Berkeley." She shrugged. "Sometimes they're just weird like that. I really don't get it.
"I mean, you worked your ass off." She grabbed his transcript and glanced at it. She didn't really need to review it again. They both knew the numbers he'd put up. "You had the numbers. It just doesn't make sense."
He nodded slightly and stared at his transcript.
Freshman year wasn't so great. It wasn't until the next year that the A's outnumbered everything else. That was when he'd decided on Berkeley.
So what now?
--
April 2009
--
Father threw two envelopes at him as he sat down at the dining table. A big one, and a small one.
"야, here." He smiled to mask his disappointment.
The small one was from Amherst. He opened that one first.
"We regret to inform you..."
"Yeah, yeah." He muttered to himself.
The big one was from Vassar.
Before he could grab it with his good hand--the one that wasn't broken--Father grabbed it and gave it a good look. "Vassar?" He chuckled. He motioned to throw the envelope into the trash.
"아빠, wait. Let me take a look."
"Why?" he asked. He shrugged and gave him the envelope anyway.
Vassar.
--
He sighed lightly, taking it all in.
Berkeley.
He didn't realize it at first, but he'd found that magical thing--a source of motivation. Something that he could work for, something that he could fight for.
--
Several months earlier, September 2006
--
It was hot. Like, really fucking hot.
Masses of freshmen and their retinues--parents, siblings of various ages--arrived on campus and made their way through the checkpoints set up for them by the campus. Check-in, carts for luggage, RA's for meet and greet, and so on.
He followed his brother in, helping him and his parents drag suitcases and other miscellany through hallways, stairways and elevators.
After several trips, the work was done. He, his brother, and his family stood in the cubicle of a dorm room, looking around and his new home. Mother was holding back tears, father was looking at his eldest son with a mixture of satisfaction, regret, and resignation.
His retinue left without him, retracing their steps down to the parking lot.
He, though, the one left behind, glanced around the hallways as they made their way to the car.
College, right?
"I think I want to go to Berkeley." He said in passing, more to himself than to anyone in particular.
"Berkeley? That's a good school." Father smiled at his youngest. "그래. 공부많이해, okay? You have to if you want to go there. If you get in, I'll pay for everything."
He nodded, looking downwards.
Work hard. I guess I have to.
--
Three years later, Fall 2008
--
"Okay, so let's get a list fleshed out. Name your top choices, and then we can add some backups." The Counselor pulled out his file and uncapped a pen.
"Berkeley."
She grinned and scratched it down. "Okay, anything else?"
"Uhh...that's tough." He smiled and looked at his hands. "Well, UCLA...UCSD..."
"Okay, okay. USC?"
"Hell no."
"Haha, okay. What other UC's? Let's get those before we move onto out of state stuff." She said as she finished writing.
"Um...well, UCI, I guess, and UC Merced."
"Merced?"
"That one's for my dad." He grinned mischievously.
"If you say so." She gave him a disapproving look, followed up with a grin to match.
"What else?"
"Uh, Brandeis, since he keeps insisting...Amherst, too, Yale, and Brown, just for kicks. I liked their campuses. Oh, and MIT. That's for him too, so he can keep his hopes up." He smiled sheepishly.
There wasn't a chance in hell that he'd get into any of those last four colleges, and they both knew it.
"All right. Anything else?"
They both glanced at the list. He shrugged. "I think that's about it."
"Okay. Well, start gathering the information you need. Come back and we can get started on everything, yeah?" She put away the pen and his file.
"Mmkay. See you later."
--
Several weeks later, Fall 2008
--
The counseling office was freezing. He clutched his arms closely. The weather didn't really warrant this kind of air conditioning, really.
He glanced at the clock. It didn't really matter what time it was, he figured. Lunch, break, or an actual class, he could probably get away with it regardless.
He continued his scan of the counseling office's main suite. Connected to the suite were four doors, each leading to a different counselor's office. He sat near the entrance, at a table with various college viewbooks and course catalogues, ostensibly pulled from the two tall bookcases filled with college-related literature. Princeton Review, Kaplan, West Point, Air Force Academy, Stony Brook, UCLA, all shared those dusted shelves. After finishing his scan of the shelves, he turned his gaze to the table before him. Arizona State University shared space with several other brochures, and one rather small, but very thick book.
He grabbed the thing and looked at the cover. On it was a picture of a lush fall landscape, with a wood bridge leading off into the horizon, which was obscured by the greenery.
He read the title:
Vassar Course Catalogue, 2008-2009
Vassar? What kind of name is that? I guess it's one of those liberal arts colleges.
He browsed through the book and viewed the available courses, paying special attention to the history department's offerings.
The Counselor's door opened. "Hey. Didja wait long?"
He closed the catalogue and shrugged. "Doesn't really mater, right? It's English now."
She grinned. "Is it?"
He stood up and entered her office.
"So whatcha got there? Anything interesting?"
"Yeah, I guess. Ever heard of Vassar College?"
"Mmm...maybe. Good school, I'm sure." She shrugged.
"Yeah, I guess so."
"Wanna take a look?" She swiped her mouse to bring her computer back to life.
"Sure." He smiled.
--
November 2009
--
"So, I guess that's it." He sighed.
"Okay. Berkeley, UCLA, UCSD, UCI, UC Merced..." her voice trailed off noticeably as she read off Merced from her list. They grinned at each other; she shrugged and continued reading.
"And for the east coast...Yale, Brown, Amherst, Brandeis, MIT and...Vassar." She gave him a questioning look.
"Yeah. That'll do."
--
March 2009
--
His insides were twisting with anxiety.
It was March 26th, and Berkeley was going to answer today. But their response wouldn't be out until evening.
It was 9 in the fucking morning, and he had a hard time waiting.
Not only did he have to suffer through class, but he also had to wait through his game after school--against the number one in his school's conference, no less.
It wasn't looking to be a good day.
--
Nine hours later
--
It wasn't a good day. Homework up the ass and an embarrassing 16-3 loss on their own home field. He dropped his gear bag as he left the garage and quickstepped to the nearest computer.
Better be some good fucking news here.
He logged onto the infosite, oddly calm inside. An slight feeling, almost a premonition, crept into the back of his head. It felt like impending failure.
He copied and pasted his login information and read the response page as it loaded.
"Michael,
We regretfully inform you that...
He didn't need to read much farther.
--
"Berkeley said no?" Surprised, she stopped eating and looked turned to him. The Counselor's office was tiny; the smell of pasta quickly filled the room.
He nodded morosely.
"That's weird. Well, you're not alone. A lot of guys got UCLA like you and didn't get Berkeley." She shrugged. "Sometimes they're just weird like that. I really don't get it.
"I mean, you worked your ass off." She grabbed his transcript and glanced at it. She didn't really need to review it again. They both knew the numbers he'd put up. "You had the numbers. It just doesn't make sense."
He nodded slightly and stared at his transcript.
Freshman year wasn't so great. It wasn't until the next year that the A's outnumbered everything else. That was when he'd decided on Berkeley.
So what now?
--
April 2009
--
Father threw two envelopes at him as he sat down at the dining table. A big one, and a small one.
"야, here." He smiled to mask his disappointment.
The small one was from Amherst. He opened that one first.
"We regret to inform you..."
"Yeah, yeah." He muttered to himself.
The big one was from Vassar.
Before he could grab it with his good hand--the one that wasn't broken--Father grabbed it and gave it a good look. "Vassar?" He chuckled. He motioned to throw the envelope into the trash.
"아빠, wait. Let me take a look."
"Why?" he asked. He shrugged and gave him the envelope anyway.
Vassar.
--
Hey guys. If you actually read that block up there, you've probably figured out that the "He" in this story is me, and that I'm a freshman in college; specifically, Vassar College.
I don't know why I decided to write this story of mine down. It just seems so bizarre to me that I decided to write about it here on TL as my first blog post.
I don't know why I chose Vassar. This seems like a way to recall and rationalize why I did.
I left out the last bits of the story at the end. Having been denied from just over half the colleges I applied to, my remaining choices were Vassar and UCLA. I visited both. I spent a lot of time thinking about both schools. Call it existential paralysis, I guess. I couldn't come to a decision for a good two weeks.
The choice seemed obvious though; I mean, it was fucking UCLA versus some obscure liberal arts college over in the east coast.
But still, I pondered. After a little while, I realized that I'd already decided, ever since I'd come back from New York.
I was going to Vassar.
My dad and my brother nearly melted down when I signed the Statement of Intent. That week wasn't very fun.
...
It's September now, and I've already moved into this place so far from home.
Being a Californian, coming to Vassar College was a bit more of a jump than for most here. The decision to come here had many, many implications that I failed to understand when I signed the Statement of Intent. Those implications slowly fell, piece by piece, to form the very intimidating whole.
- First, there is no turning back. I finally understood this when my dad bought my one-way ticket here. It's 3000 miles from home. I'm here, and I'm without a safety net of any kind.
- Second, this had to be worth it. Vassar costs twice as much as UCLA--nearly $50,000, compared to UCLA's paltry $24,000 a year. A mediocre performance would translate into utter failure.
- Third, this wasn't just about me. The Counselor and one of her colleagues mentioned in passing to me as I visited my high school one last time: whether I realized it or not, I'd left a mark at my school--a positive one, at that. All the teachers I'd worked so hard for, all the 동생s I'd left behind--I realized the magnitude of their expectations of me. My teachers hoped that I'd achieve some significance; my underclassmen hoped to emulate my example. What the hell? Since when had I become a role model?
And so, despite that, I made my way to New York, to Poughkeepsie, and moved in.
(This is where the song comes in.)
What would I do about these facts I'd have to carry for the next four years?
As I settled down for my first night at College, I whispered a prayer, the first I'd made in months.
"God.
"Shit. There's really no turning back now.
"Strengthen my resolve, so that I may never waver. This was my decision; I can't fail."
"Amen."
--
About the song; I watched The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya over the summer and got addicted to some of its songs, Bouken Desho Desho?! in particular.
I looked the lyrics when I arrived here in New York, and I couldn't help but smile.
Lyrics in spoiler:
+ Show Spoiler +
Adventure, Right? Right?
Vocals: Hirano Aya as Suzumiya Haruhi
The answer is always in my chest…
Why? I, who chose you
It was decided by my dear destiny that won’t stop anymore
I believe that just mimicking someone is boring
You’ll be right!
I’ll only do the things that I can feel, as I feel them
It’s an adventure, right? Right?! In the world where truths turn into lies
I’ll become strong because dreams exist, not for someone’s sake
Please come with me
Look at the endlessly free me
The present of today when tomorrow became the past is a miracle
I believe you…
It’s boring if I don’t go to a place of no return
C’mon, tell me; I threw my hidden wish into the mirror
My delight, if I accept it with my entire body
Your mind fly!
I’ll make you surprised, then I’ll be surprised, and we’ll smile
It’s the beginning, right? Right?! Like beauty shining on darkness
My strength and your tears- Either is justified
The delicate heart that wavers in reality
Doesn’t want to get hurt
I’ve thought that it’s always, always, in the depth of my chest
The answer is…
If it’s expected to be abnormal
Then what can I, who answer, do?
It’s normal but abnormal
I’ll only do the things that I can feel, as I feel them
It’s an adventure, right? Right?! In the world where truths turn into lies
I’ll become strong because dreams exist, not for someone’s sake
It’s the beginning, right? The beginning, right?!
Like beauty shining on darkness, midway on the adventure of me and you
We’ll advance together, and endlessly and freely
Overcome reality
The present of today when tomorrow became the past is a miracle
The definite future
Let’s grasp the future
I believe you…
Vocals: Hirano Aya as Suzumiya Haruhi
The answer is always in my chest…
Why? I, who chose you
It was decided by my dear destiny that won’t stop anymore
I believe that just mimicking someone is boring
You’ll be right!
I’ll only do the things that I can feel, as I feel them
It’s an adventure, right? Right?! In the world where truths turn into lies
I’ll become strong because dreams exist, not for someone’s sake
Please come with me
Look at the endlessly free me
The present of today when tomorrow became the past is a miracle
I believe you…
It’s boring if I don’t go to a place of no return
C’mon, tell me; I threw my hidden wish into the mirror
My delight, if I accept it with my entire body
Your mind fly!
I’ll make you surprised, then I’ll be surprised, and we’ll smile
It’s the beginning, right? Right?! Like beauty shining on darkness
My strength and your tears- Either is justified
The delicate heart that wavers in reality
Doesn’t want to get hurt
I’ve thought that it’s always, always, in the depth of my chest
The answer is…
If it’s expected to be abnormal
Then what can I, who answer, do?
It’s normal but abnormal
I’ll only do the things that I can feel, as I feel them
It’s an adventure, right? Right?! In the world where truths turn into lies
I’ll become strong because dreams exist, not for someone’s sake
It’s the beginning, right? The beginning, right?!
Like beauty shining on darkness, midway on the adventure of me and you
We’ll advance together, and endlessly and freely
Overcome reality
The present of today when tomorrow became the past is a miracle
The definite future
Let’s grasp the future
I believe you…
I was chasing a dream. my dream, where I'd be free to grow into something I wanted to become, free from anyone else's ideas of what I should be. I wanted to be in a place where I could make my own decisions, my own mistakes, and, in the end, become my own man--a person I could be proud of. Berkeley didn't matter. Nothing else did. I was here at Vassar.
I'd find love, and I'd lose it.
I'd learn and study; I'd fail tests and pass them with flying colors.
I'd relearn piano, and I'd study guitar more in depth. I'd suck and suck, but I'd find a way to be able to perform.
I'd play lacrosse, get my lumps, and love it regardless.
I'd do all this and try my hardest and forget about my all my fears and anxieties.
It was morning again, and I found myself wide awake, excited for the new day.
Because it's an adventure, right? Right?!
Hopefully it'll come with time.
